Dear Abby...
...has done it again. What an idiot she can be. A man wrote to ask for advice because his "materialistic" wife doesn't work but she wants certain things that she expects him to pay for...
"My wife, "Darla," and I have been married for 10 years. We have three children. I have always worked hard to provide for my family.Darla is very concerned with material things and likes to "keep up with the Joneses." I work two jobs to maintain this lifestyle, sometimes literally from sunup to sundown. Lately, I feel burned out...."
FRUSTRATED IN PHILLY
DEAR FRUSTRATED: "My advice is to offer her the option of marriage counseling, and if that doesn't work, consult a lawyer. It may be expensive, but at least you won't be responsible for her debts. And it could add years to your life."
So Abby has taken the lazy way out, offering counseling or a divorce. Not once did she mention the fact that the wife is at home taking care of 3 small children. Not once did she consider what those kids would go through should the parents divorce. Not once did she consider the fact that this couple tooks vows to stay together forever.
I admit that the husband has a point, but why is divorce the answer to that problem? I would have told him to stop paying for the things that they don't need. The wife couldn't keep on spending the money if it just wasn't there. Wouldn't that be easier that ruining a marriage? Abby copped out on that answer and I think she is part of the problem, not at all part of the solution.
When I was a little girl, my mother was the only mom in the neighborhood that had a job outside of the home. I felt funny about that since all of my friend's mothers were stay at home moms...a phrase that hadn't been invented yet because all moms stayed at home. It was just the way things were back then, mothers stayed at home and fathers worked to pay the bills. In one short generation, things changed so much that by the time my youngest went to high school, I quit my job to be able to stay at home with my last kid and lived to regret it. It was my last chance to "mother" one of my own and I wanted to do a good job of it.
Well, when I announced my decision to my son, his response blew me away. He said, "What do I tell my friends when they ask me what my mother does?" I wanted to say, "Tell them that I wash your dirty underpants."...but I didn't. I was just amazed how things had changed. I was embarrassed that my mother worked outside of the house and my kid was ashamed that his mother stayed at home. In one generation, the norm changed so much that mothers went from staying at home to raise their kids with society telling them that it was the right thing to do...and now Abby tells men to consult a lawyer if his wife refuses to get a job.
Abby should just publish a column that says, "Whatever your marital issue is, go to counseling and if that doesn't fix the problem, get a divorce." That's all she ever offers anyway, why take the time to repeat it everytime a person asks for her help with a marital problem?
The biggest problem in our country right now is the lack of two parent homes. That's not to say that all children MUST have two parents in the home, but I am quite sure that if more of them did, children would grow up much more able to function in society. When I watch talk shows that have some troubled kid on the program...inevitably, the mother is sitting next to the kid and the father is nowhere to be found.
The percentage of people in prison, whatever the race or nationality, who were raised without fathers is stunning. Children need fathers AND mothers...no matter what the Hollywood idiots are doing today. They have children out of some sick desire to grab attention and they consider the kids some sort of status symbol as though anyone couldn't do it. The entire country was outraged at the silly comment that the Vice President made when Murphy Brown had a child out of wedlock. Well, he was right.
Like it or not, TV and the people on it ARE absolutely role models...even if you're just referring to a character. Kids watch television and then they think that what those freaks are doing is normal when it isn't. Even if it is becoming the "norm", that doesn't make it right. Slavery was the norm a short time back...that didn't make it right.
I don't care what people do in their own lives but when the entire nation believes that there is no need for fathers, they're just a step away from doing away with mothers as well. There isn't one person out there trying to tell children that fathers are a good thing for kids, to the contrary, they are saying that a woman can do as well alone as she could with a man in her home. That's sweet and makes single mothers feel good, but it's complete bullshit.
A mother absolutely CAN do a good job raising kids without a man...but 100% of children would do BETTER if they had a father in their life. Of that, I am sure.
Society used to keep people in line by shunning those who stepped outside of the rules. They may have gone a bit overboard, but there were rules. Now, anything goes. If you want to raise kids without a father, go ahead and do it! Why not? You CAN...and you want to...so just do it. That's incredibly selfish and it doesn't do one thing to help the children. It serves no one but the woman who wants to have a child.
There isn't a thing anyone can say that would convince me that every single child would be better off with two parents. There are situations where the father is gone for one reason or another and the mother has to raise the kids alone, and that's a shame. But, in every case, kids would do better if they had a father in the home. This is assuming that the father isn't abusive, of course.
Abby did a terrible thing by telling that father to get a divorce. She did a rotten job of advising the father and she did something worse, she gave America one more reason to toss fathers out on their ears. This reminds me of a scene in the movie Broadcast News. I need to see if I can find the quote from what Albert Brooks told Holly Hunter when she announced that she was going to marry someone else. I'm going to go look for it, if I can find it, I'll post it...I'll be back in a while to either post that scene or to descibe it myself...I hope that I find it because I couldn't do justice to the words in that scene. Be right back.
Meg
Here's the quote I was talking about:
"What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women."
Well, little by little, our standards are being lowered...one step at a time, the standards of our society are going downhill. If we had changed overnight...people would revolt over these types of changes. But, since we changed our standards relatively slowly, it's perfectly all right. That's a shame.
...has done it again. What an idiot she can be. A man wrote to ask for advice because his "materialistic" wife doesn't work but she wants certain things that she expects him to pay for...
"My wife, "Darla," and I have been married for 10 years. We have three children. I have always worked hard to provide for my family.Darla is very concerned with material things and likes to "keep up with the Joneses." I work two jobs to maintain this lifestyle, sometimes literally from sunup to sundown. Lately, I feel burned out...."
FRUSTRATED IN PHILLY
DEAR FRUSTRATED: "My advice is to offer her the option of marriage counseling, and if that doesn't work, consult a lawyer. It may be expensive, but at least you won't be responsible for her debts. And it could add years to your life."
So Abby has taken the lazy way out, offering counseling or a divorce. Not once did she mention the fact that the wife is at home taking care of 3 small children. Not once did she consider what those kids would go through should the parents divorce. Not once did she consider the fact that this couple tooks vows to stay together forever.
I admit that the husband has a point, but why is divorce the answer to that problem? I would have told him to stop paying for the things that they don't need. The wife couldn't keep on spending the money if it just wasn't there. Wouldn't that be easier that ruining a marriage? Abby copped out on that answer and I think she is part of the problem, not at all part of the solution.
When I was a little girl, my mother was the only mom in the neighborhood that had a job outside of the home. I felt funny about that since all of my friend's mothers were stay at home moms...a phrase that hadn't been invented yet because all moms stayed at home. It was just the way things were back then, mothers stayed at home and fathers worked to pay the bills. In one short generation, things changed so much that by the time my youngest went to high school, I quit my job to be able to stay at home with my last kid and lived to regret it. It was my last chance to "mother" one of my own and I wanted to do a good job of it.
Well, when I announced my decision to my son, his response blew me away. He said, "What do I tell my friends when they ask me what my mother does?" I wanted to say, "Tell them that I wash your dirty underpants."...but I didn't. I was just amazed how things had changed. I was embarrassed that my mother worked outside of the house and my kid was ashamed that his mother stayed at home. In one generation, the norm changed so much that mothers went from staying at home to raise their kids with society telling them that it was the right thing to do...and now Abby tells men to consult a lawyer if his wife refuses to get a job.
Abby should just publish a column that says, "Whatever your marital issue is, go to counseling and if that doesn't fix the problem, get a divorce." That's all she ever offers anyway, why take the time to repeat it everytime a person asks for her help with a marital problem?
The biggest problem in our country right now is the lack of two parent homes. That's not to say that all children MUST have two parents in the home, but I am quite sure that if more of them did, children would grow up much more able to function in society. When I watch talk shows that have some troubled kid on the program...inevitably, the mother is sitting next to the kid and the father is nowhere to be found.
The percentage of people in prison, whatever the race or nationality, who were raised without fathers is stunning. Children need fathers AND mothers...no matter what the Hollywood idiots are doing today. They have children out of some sick desire to grab attention and they consider the kids some sort of status symbol as though anyone couldn't do it. The entire country was outraged at the silly comment that the Vice President made when Murphy Brown had a child out of wedlock. Well, he was right.
Like it or not, TV and the people on it ARE absolutely role models...even if you're just referring to a character. Kids watch television and then they think that what those freaks are doing is normal when it isn't. Even if it is becoming the "norm", that doesn't make it right. Slavery was the norm a short time back...that didn't make it right.
I don't care what people do in their own lives but when the entire nation believes that there is no need for fathers, they're just a step away from doing away with mothers as well. There isn't one person out there trying to tell children that fathers are a good thing for kids, to the contrary, they are saying that a woman can do as well alone as she could with a man in her home. That's sweet and makes single mothers feel good, but it's complete bullshit.
A mother absolutely CAN do a good job raising kids without a man...but 100% of children would do BETTER if they had a father in their life. Of that, I am sure.
Society used to keep people in line by shunning those who stepped outside of the rules. They may have gone a bit overboard, but there were rules. Now, anything goes. If you want to raise kids without a father, go ahead and do it! Why not? You CAN...and you want to...so just do it. That's incredibly selfish and it doesn't do one thing to help the children. It serves no one but the woman who wants to have a child.
There isn't a thing anyone can say that would convince me that every single child would be better off with two parents. There are situations where the father is gone for one reason or another and the mother has to raise the kids alone, and that's a shame. But, in every case, kids would do better if they had a father in the home. This is assuming that the father isn't abusive, of course.
Abby did a terrible thing by telling that father to get a divorce. She did a rotten job of advising the father and she did something worse, she gave America one more reason to toss fathers out on their ears. This reminds me of a scene in the movie Broadcast News. I need to see if I can find the quote from what Albert Brooks told Holly Hunter when she announced that she was going to marry someone else. I'm going to go look for it, if I can find it, I'll post it...I'll be back in a while to either post that scene or to descibe it myself...I hope that I find it because I couldn't do justice to the words in that scene. Be right back.
Meg
Here's the quote I was talking about:
"What do you think the Devil is going to look like if he's around? Nobody is going to be taken in if he has a long, red, pointy tail. No. I'm semi-serious here. He will look attractive and he will be nice and helpful and he will get a job where he influences a great God-fearing nation and he will never do an evil thing... he will just bit by little bit lower standards where they are important. Just coax along flash over substance... Just a tiny bit. And he will talk about all of us really being salesmen. And he'll get all the great women."
Well, little by little, our standards are being lowered...one step at a time, the standards of our society are going downhill. If we had changed overnight...people would revolt over these types of changes. But, since we changed our standards relatively slowly, it's perfectly all right. That's a shame.
posted by Meg Kelso | 4:28 AM
6 Comments:
It's unbelievable to me that the best advice anyone can offer to man whose wife spends money is "cut your losses and get out." Not only did he not mention all the stuff you pointed out, but he didn't mention whether or not they had an agreement for her to stay home. Some families make that agreement...one will work, the other will stay home with the kids. He also doesn't mention whether or not they're in huge debt. He says he works 2 jobs to maintain it, not that he's behind. And you know what? In the excerpt you included, it doesn't say she doesn't work. Regardless, Abby doesn't point out that this guy allowed these choice to be made. He did, and now he's whining about it. Why didn't Abby point out that he's just as responsible for this situation?
Kids do better when they come from a stable, 2 parent family. That's a fact that has been proven again and again. But, stable is the operative word. If one of the parents is a problem, you can do more harm than good by staying together...and by problem I mean, like, abusive, absent, addicted etc...not just that he or she spends too much. Some single parents do an amazing job raising their children.
I also love that scene you posted. If the devil was actually scary looking, how would he get anything accomplished? Nope, he's going to let us dig our own graves, so to speak. Unfortunately, too many people are excited about standing in line for the shovel. Idiots.
You are right. Today, what's right is considered to be wrong, and what's wrong is considered to be right.
In court, the judge asked me repeatedly if I understood the divorce contract. He said it in a way that I am binded for life with that contract or else something very bad will happen to me if I violate it.
Yet, no court cared when my husband decided to end the marriage and break THAT supposed lifetime contract and vow, which he made in front of hundreds of people. The judge even knew that my ex was lying to get a divorce, because the lawyers asked me if I wanted to be the plaintiff, or if I want my ex to be the plaintiff. What kind of garbage is that?
My in laws, who are very religious, have accepted the divorce completely - and have attributed 50% of the blame to me, although my ex never told me that he was unhappy and he never gave us a tangible opportunity to reconcile.
It's no use even mentioning the things you wrote about on this post. People will think that you are a crazy conservative, even though all you want is for a stable society.
Personally, I have thrown my hands and all the cards up in the air. I have lost faith in organized religion, and in legal authority in general. My divorce experience has shocked me, and has given me a wake up call.
Therefore, while not harming others, I will live my life as I please.
Believe it or not, divorce acceptance, most lawmakers, and the influential media are all ultimately responsible for the degradation of society.
I think the hubby with the expensive wife needs to learn the word NO... seems he allowed this to develop or married her knowing her taste for nice things. Ultimately he has to grow some balls
Well I’m going to make a quick comment now, but I’ll have more to say after my trial date this week. It’s bad enough that divorce has become a societal norm. But now we have Dear Abbey offering divorce as a fix.
It may be expensive, yeah, it may bankrupt him and won’t that make sense to give all the money to a lawyer who is a stranger rather than his wife and young family.
This is extremely irresponsible advice and there should be a letter writing campaign to let her know how stupid she is.
Another insidious thing on divorce is the social misconceptions surrounding it. It’s not easy, cheap, or even a way out if you have children or significant pensions. It can be a life long connection that is so much more costly and inefficient compared to a repaired marriage.
There must be dozens of alternative solutions to his problems, divorce really couldn’t be included on a list of solutions. It is an action for when all others have failed.
Meg you should not have let your son get to you. I like the answer you thought, you should have said it out loud to give him something to think about. Of course your point is the what a big difference a generation can make and that certainly is true.
Divorce is bad enough, but when it causes a single parent upbringing (because shared parenting isn’t widely embraced) that is such an inferior arrangement even in the best of cases. It puts pressure on the single parent, the absence of the father leaves the child without an important influence.
Meg this has infiltrated all facets of society. The court doesn’t understand why I want to be an involved father. So this causes fathers who want to do the right thing to be looked on as an oddity as an unnecessary third wheel to the determent of the kids.
Observant people like yourself see the problem. But we’ve yet to see the effects when a whole generation grows up in a single parent household. I fear a gigantic backlash, but then it will be too late, the damage will be done, how do you fix it?
The remark about the devil or evil influences is exactly right. It is the subtle, slow deterioration that is the most “successful”. And our society has definitely taken a dramatic drop in the last generation. What’s next - the complete obsolesce of marriage?
This reminds me of a star-studded movie called The Advocate about a high powered legal firm connected to evil. The undefeated country lawyer gets tempted to go to the big city and the compromise of his principles, his marriage, etc begin. Watch the reporter that appears in the men’s room and the staircase on the end, there is a very subtle message of how deceptively clever evil can be. Oh, and the evil character, the devil, is the head partner of the big law firm (hey Sol, you see this too). So appropriate.
Jaded, good comments. Lemmings with shovels, all following the leader into their own graves.
JQ - just a tiny correction here. My inlaws have accepted the divorce because my ex husband lied to them. According to them, he did not have an affair, simply because he told them that he didn't.
But I see your point - my ex still made a vow before man and God, so yes, anyone who accepts and finances a marital disolution is also responsible for the breakup of the marriage.
I was stupid enough to contact them to ask why they are financing something that goes against the religion - but they refused to provide me with an answer.
Instead, they clued me that it was something that I had done for 10 years. What it was, I have no idea, but if the problem was for 10 years, I'm sure the parents would have heard about it at least for the first 5, last 3, or middle 7 years, don't you think?
Not once did I have a conversation with my ex - where he told me that he was unhappy. Of course, he continously lies about this.
I was totally bamboozled and lied to and about, hence my "divorce journey" blog.
At this point it doesn't really make sense for me to ponder - everyone will almost certainly always support their families.
However, later did I realize that that phone call really put me on track to recovery, because I realized then, that he had lied to his own parents, and in my opinion, any guy who lies to his parents is a real keeper, don't you think?
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