I expected someone to say this:
"I couldn't just pretend everything was okay. Affairs are deal-breakers and I wouldn't put up with it. Just my two cents."
...when I answered the woman who wondered if she should confront her husband about his affair. I consider affairs deal breakers as well, thus my divorce. But, I suffered a couple of them before I had the confidence to divorce my little cheater.
That confidence was a hard time coming and if I had left Rick earlier, I would have, and did, take him back. I was wrong to have done that and I regret it everyday of my life. But, I wasn't ready to leave him before and I don't think that lady is ready yet either. I read her entire email and she just is not ready to confront him. They have small children and she doesn't know what to do. I wrote her back with some more advice about how to leave when there are small children involved.
I know from experience and from watching friends that if a person leaves their spouse before they're ready to leave, they'll regret the decision and just end up going back for more abuse later.
I have a very good friend whose husband is a drug addict and she refuses to believe it. I listen to her over and over again, telling me the same stories about what he does and how he behaves when he is high or when he is looking for a fix. It's so odd because my friend doesn't so much as smoke. But, although she knows what her husband DOES...she isn't ready to call him an addict and demand he get help or kick his ass out. He doesn't work and hasn't in years. They have 2 small kids and neither of them have ever seen their father leave the house to go to work.
My friend will describe his behavior and if she heard me describe that behavior, she would see it for what it is...but she just doesn't see it when it comes to her own husband. Amazing.
The mind is an interesting thing. It will tell you exactly what you want to see or what you need to see to continue destructive behavior. When I had my first kid, I gained a LOT of weight. I didn't try to lose it until after I stopped nursing the baby. When I did finally diet, I went nuts. I became anorexic. I remember stepping out of the bathtub, onto the scale. I weighed 92 pounds and I'm 5'8". Then I looked at myself in the mirror and saw fat on me. There couldn't have possibly been fat on me at that weight...but my mind absolutely saw it.
When I had the cancer the year that Rick had the trailer trash, I got down to 88 pounds. I didn't want to lose that weight and I saw the reality of it...I was emaciated. I tried everything that I could to gain weight then. Now I'm still rather thin, but I've gained 30 punds since Rick left and I see myself for what I am...a skinny chick.
You can't really argue with your own mind or your own heart. It makes us do things that no one else would understand. If a friend did some of the things we do, we would see the situation for exactly what it is. The lady who wrote to me will see what she needs to see...when she needs to see it. That's why I told her to go and get proof of the affair. Not only will it help her later in court...it might just convince her of the reality of her husband's behavior.
I left my first husband twice before I left him for good. He was abusive as well and I let that slide. It was only when he had an affair that I left for good. At that time, those were my standards...odd as they were. I look back now and think that I was an idiot for staying...but nothing could have convinced me to leave until I was ready...and when I was, I did.
I've listened to too many friends complain about husbands that they had no intention of leaving even though the husband's were total assholes. They were abusive, cheaters, and addicts...but my friends were not ready to hear the truth, much less accept it. Although they weren't ready to hear it...if they had just listened to what they, themselves, were saying, they would have been blown away that they were talking about the man that they loved. Eventually, almost all of them did leave, but they did so when they were ready to leave and sick of the treatment that they were receiving. In the meantime, nothing I could say would have mattered. I lost a very good (childhood!) friend trying to tell her what her husband was all about and I won't lose another one like that.
That's why I always say to be your own best friend and talk to yourself. I do that often now. I used to feel the need to talk to my friends and see what they thought when I had the answers all the time. It's sort of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz...it wouldn't have helped if Glenda told Dorothy that she had the power to go home all the time...Dorothy had to learn that lesson for herself. And, unfortunately, some of us have to suffer a few extra rounds of abuse before we are ready to do what we have to do. We all have our breaking point...and I'm sure that the lady who wrote that letter will have hers as well. I just hope that she doesn't waste too much time finding her own. I did, and for that, I will be forever sorry.
If I would have left the first time that Rick cheated, I would have been single again at 31 instead of 47. Ain't that a bitch?
"I couldn't just pretend everything was okay. Affairs are deal-breakers and I wouldn't put up with it. Just my two cents."
...when I answered the woman who wondered if she should confront her husband about his affair. I consider affairs deal breakers as well, thus my divorce. But, I suffered a couple of them before I had the confidence to divorce my little cheater.
That confidence was a hard time coming and if I had left Rick earlier, I would have, and did, take him back. I was wrong to have done that and I regret it everyday of my life. But, I wasn't ready to leave him before and I don't think that lady is ready yet either. I read her entire email and she just is not ready to confront him. They have small children and she doesn't know what to do. I wrote her back with some more advice about how to leave when there are small children involved.
I know from experience and from watching friends that if a person leaves their spouse before they're ready to leave, they'll regret the decision and just end up going back for more abuse later.
I have a very good friend whose husband is a drug addict and she refuses to believe it. I listen to her over and over again, telling me the same stories about what he does and how he behaves when he is high or when he is looking for a fix. It's so odd because my friend doesn't so much as smoke. But, although she knows what her husband DOES...she isn't ready to call him an addict and demand he get help or kick his ass out. He doesn't work and hasn't in years. They have 2 small kids and neither of them have ever seen their father leave the house to go to work.
My friend will describe his behavior and if she heard me describe that behavior, she would see it for what it is...but she just doesn't see it when it comes to her own husband. Amazing.
The mind is an interesting thing. It will tell you exactly what you want to see or what you need to see to continue destructive behavior. When I had my first kid, I gained a LOT of weight. I didn't try to lose it until after I stopped nursing the baby. When I did finally diet, I went nuts. I became anorexic. I remember stepping out of the bathtub, onto the scale. I weighed 92 pounds and I'm 5'8". Then I looked at myself in the mirror and saw fat on me. There couldn't have possibly been fat on me at that weight...but my mind absolutely saw it.
When I had the cancer the year that Rick had the trailer trash, I got down to 88 pounds. I didn't want to lose that weight and I saw the reality of it...I was emaciated. I tried everything that I could to gain weight then. Now I'm still rather thin, but I've gained 30 punds since Rick left and I see myself for what I am...a skinny chick.
You can't really argue with your own mind or your own heart. It makes us do things that no one else would understand. If a friend did some of the things we do, we would see the situation for exactly what it is. The lady who wrote to me will see what she needs to see...when she needs to see it. That's why I told her to go and get proof of the affair. Not only will it help her later in court...it might just convince her of the reality of her husband's behavior.
I left my first husband twice before I left him for good. He was abusive as well and I let that slide. It was only when he had an affair that I left for good. At that time, those were my standards...odd as they were. I look back now and think that I was an idiot for staying...but nothing could have convinced me to leave until I was ready...and when I was, I did.
I've listened to too many friends complain about husbands that they had no intention of leaving even though the husband's were total assholes. They were abusive, cheaters, and addicts...but my friends were not ready to hear the truth, much less accept it. Although they weren't ready to hear it...if they had just listened to what they, themselves, were saying, they would have been blown away that they were talking about the man that they loved. Eventually, almost all of them did leave, but they did so when they were ready to leave and sick of the treatment that they were receiving. In the meantime, nothing I could say would have mattered. I lost a very good (childhood!) friend trying to tell her what her husband was all about and I won't lose another one like that.
That's why I always say to be your own best friend and talk to yourself. I do that often now. I used to feel the need to talk to my friends and see what they thought when I had the answers all the time. It's sort of like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz...it wouldn't have helped if Glenda told Dorothy that she had the power to go home all the time...Dorothy had to learn that lesson for herself. And, unfortunately, some of us have to suffer a few extra rounds of abuse before we are ready to do what we have to do. We all have our breaking point...and I'm sure that the lady who wrote that letter will have hers as well. I just hope that she doesn't waste too much time finding her own. I did, and for that, I will be forever sorry.
If I would have left the first time that Rick cheated, I would have been single again at 31 instead of 47. Ain't that a bitch?
posted by Meg Kelso | 3:30 AM
2 Comments:
well, I happen to think that you gave the woman excellent advice. I really do believe that she should collect as much evidence as possible before her husband finds out that she knows. Most likely, he will start to rewrite marital history and make her look like some loony woman who's making this whole thing up, as is usually the case with most cheaters.
My heart goes out to her as many psychologists say that the emotional trauma of discovering an affair is equivalent to that of being raped or having one of your small children die unexpectedly. And don't we know how horribly intense the feelings are?
You are right about denial. When we love someone, we don't want to believe that they are doing or that they'll continue to do what's wrong. I dont' know what it is... it's almost like we make excuses for their behavior or perhaps feel that this is just a temporary kind of deal, despite the overwhelming evidence.
Recently, a woman who is going through a divorce emailed me her experience. Apparently, she read about how my in laws refused to believe that my ex had an affair, simply because he told them that he didn't.
In her case, her husband had been sexually molesting their 9 year old adopted daughter. This went on for a year because the wife refused to believe her daughter that her husband would behave this way.
One day, however, the wife found evidence, and threw her husband out of the house and filed for divorce. The wife told me that she let this crap happen for a year because she was in complete denial.
This is the part that kills me: She said that when she phoned her in-laws to tell them what their son had been doing, that they told her that the adopted daughter is a whore instead, and that their son is completely innocent. Can you imagine??! The in laws refused to believe that their son was a child molester, and instead called the 9 year old adopted daughter a whore!
Well, the wife was shocked, and could not believe what she had heard. So basically in the email, this woman advised me not to feel bad - that people will always be in denial, especially when it's their own family member. (Denial extends to the entire family too - not just the betrayed spouse)
This shows me that people would even go as far as blaming the victim for an affair or for other problems. As long as theirs truly remains innocent. The sad part is that the victim will actually start to believe that they are at fault! Hence, your comment about the mind being interesting...
Anyway, the lady who wrote you should really gather her evidence and ASAP!
It's amazing what people will believe when all of the evidence and common sense tells them something different. And remember, the liars are very good at their craft.
Rick had his family thinking all sorts of hideous things about me and that I was a nut who was paranoid about other women. And they fell for it! We were together for close to 25 years and even if what he had said WAS true...what does that say about him? One way or another, he was an idiot but they saw him as I used to...a nice, quiet man who wouldn't hurt a fly. What a joke.
How awful about the little girl! I have a cousin that married a man who molested her daughter...but thank God, my cousin believed her daughter and had him arrested toot sweet. He served 4 years in prison, not nearly enough if you ask me.
Meg
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