Meg...

"...I recently discovered that my husband has been having an affiar and I'm heartbroken. I keep pretending that everything is OK just to see if he will stop seeing the other woman....should I confront him or should I keep on waiting to see if he will change his mind and come back to our family?...How do you stay so happy?..."

My mother once told me that I shouldn't say a word if my husband cheated on me. She was telling me to do what you're doing and to just wait for him to come back to our marriage. She said that if I were to confront him, he would be forced to make a decision and that I might not like the decision that he made. I understand her point but I couldn't do that. I couldn't keep my mouth shut no matter how hard I tried. I did try to do it once...but I just couldn't.

I can't tell you how to deal with this because the stakes are so high and they're yours to pay. I guess you just have to do some thinking about how you want to live your life and what it is that you want out of it. As tough as it was to divorce my husband, I couldn't live my life constantly wondering if he was lying to me. I didn't want a divorce, but I didn't want a husband who liked to screw other women either.

One way or another, before you let him know that you're aware of his affair, I think that you should try to get indisputable proof of it. If you can, it will be very helpful whatever you decide to do. If you want to divorce him, you'll have the proof you need for court and if you decide to confront him, he won't be able to deny it. He most likely will do that, so be ready if you do ask him about what he's doing. If you don't have any proof, he'll just deny it and then tell you how nuts you are for accusing him of such a thing. And, the worst part of that is that you will WANT to believe him. So you need to be absolutely sure of what you're accusing him of before you say a word.

Once I drove to Rick's mistress' trailer park and parked my car outside of her trailer. She must have been home because when I got back to my house, Rick was very angry at me, but he had no reason for it. He knew that I had just come from his tramp's house yet he wouldn't say a word about her...he just told me how he didn't love me anymore. She called him to tell him that I was outside of her door and yet he still wanted to pretend that he was a great guy and I was a jealous fool.

Another affair that he had ended when I found a love note that he had gotten from another slut that he was dating. She wrote things in that letter that no woman would write unless she was sleeping with the guy she was writing to. Yet, when I showed Rick the letter and confronted him, he denyed it all. Then, he grabbed the letter and I never saw it again. That made it tough for me to read over again so I was able to believe him after some time had past. I knew better, but I wanted to believe him. So, get yourself some good proof before you do anything and put it somewhere that he'll never be able to find it.

I may sound happy and for the most part, I usually am. But, I'm still sad about the death of my marriage and the creeps that murdered it. After some time passes, you sort of get used to the way that your life has turned out and it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I would have preferred to have been happy with Rick for the rest of my life but that option was taken away from me. So, I'm making the best of what I have left and that's ME. I'm still here and I have to keep on living, as tough as it may be at times.

Whatever happens, you'll be fine. Time does heal most wounds and the ones that it doesn't heal certainly hurt less and less as time goes by. Life just takes over and before you know it, you're having fun and living your life again. It just happens and you couldn't stop it if you wanted to. If I could do anything over again...I can't imagine what it would be. I suppose I could have tried to stay awake more and be a bit sexier than I was...but I don't know how I could have done that when I was so sick. And, that sort of implies that I did something wrong and I didn't. If Rick had any problem with me and our marriage, he could have told me and I would have done more. But he always said that everything was fine and I believed him.

When someone does something so wrong as cheating on their spouse, it can't be blamed on anyone else. Cheating is wrong however you look at it. So, it isn't your fault and it wasn't mine. And, affairs aren't about anything one person does wrong...they're all about a weak person who wants the cake and wants to eat it too.

If you want to keep on pretending everything is fine, that's what you need to do. If you aren't ready to leave, it won't matter what you say to your husband. When you're ready to leave, you will. In the meantime, all of you efforts are for nothing. If you leave your husband before you're ready to leave him, you'll just end up going back like I did. Then, it will happen again. Sooner or later you'll be ready to leave or he'll just leave. The only thing that I would suggest is that you take action while it's still in your power to do so. If you don't...things will end up out of your control and you won't have a choice in the matter at all.

Meg