IF DEAR ABBY WAS A BITCH...

DEAR ABBY: Because many women have stopped wearing pantyhose or stockings when they go out on a dinner date or formal function, would it be a fair turnaround for me to put on a three-piece suit and tie and not wear any socks? I'd appreciate your thoughts, please. -- SOCKLESS IN MICHIGAN 

ABBY SAYS: DEAR SOCKLESS: Women who forgo pantyhose or stockings in hot weather usually do it because they're wearing strappy sandals or open-toed summer footwear. Hosiery doesn't look right with them. I have seen men -- at least on the West Coast -- wear T-shirts under their sport coats and go barefoot in their loafers. But I have never seen a man don a three-piece suit and tie and go sockless. (And I never hope to.) I don't recommend it.

I SAY: Let the nitwit wear socks with his tux, I don't want to be ignorant of his freak status long enough to actually MEET him. Also, the dudes who wear argyles with a Hawaiian shirt and lavender shorts need company.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in two months, but my question isn't about weddings. My question is, how can a woman ensure a lasting marriage? -- ABOUT TO BECOME A MRS.

ABBY SAYS: DEAR ABOUT TO BECOME A MRS.: At a women's networking event years ago, my mother was asked that question. She replied, "One good rule is never go to bed angry." (I agree.)

Phyllis Diller was there and topped her. "Right!" she said. "Stay up and fight until you're exhausted. You'll sleep better!"

I SAY: Any hillbilly can achieve "a lasting marriage". The trick is to achieve an equitable orgasm tally during it.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter recently became engaged to a wonderful young man. I have looked forward to planning her wedding for years. She always said she wanted to be married in our hometown, but now she says they want to get married near where he lives, which is four hours from where I live.

I feel she has been persuaded to do this. I'm paying for the wedding and work full-time, and I'm really stressing about planning the dream wedding she wants from far away. Weddings are usually in the bride's hometown for obvious reasons, but I'm concerned her mind was changed by his family for their convenience. What do I do? -- JUST THE BRIDE'S MOM

ABBY SAYS: DEAR JUST: Have a frank talk with your daughter and ask why she changed her mind. Tell her that you have dreamed of planning her wedding for years, but the change of venue is causing stress for you.

Then ask if she would prefer you just give her a check for the amount you can afford, and whether it would be more practical for her to do the planning herself.

I SAY: If your kid can be persuaded THAT easily, perhaps you should ask yourself why. Have you always been a control freak? Maybe your daughter decided this on her own...specifically to stay away from people who "have looked forward to planning her wedding". Heck...maybe she lost a coin toss. BTW...just what ARE the "obvious reasons" that weddings are held in the brides hometown?