Today I have to take...

...my ex step mother to the doctor to try to get an order to have her evaluated for hospice. That's the perfect answer to me. Hospice has one purpose in life, to keep people at home. So, if the doctor will go along, I can get her set up with hospice and she'll have people checking in on her a few times a week.

When I called the doctor yesterday, I told him I was her daughter so that he would speak to me. He said that he wanted to put her in a nursing home for a few months to "get strong" and then she can come home. Rarely does anyone ever "get strong" in a nursing home. I've seen it happen with highly motivated, non-confused people. But with a confused lady who's only concern is where she can smoke the next cigarette, I don't foresee much motivation. So, this yahoo doctor had better go along with what we want or I'll pretend to be someone meaner than her daughter.

I stayed up last night cleaning the condo. I dust all the time because I hate dust to be all over my things. I don't like to see it all over anyone else's things either. So, last night I cleaned the place up. I waited for dad and his friend to go to bed so that no one could stop me from throwing away paper clips and rubber bands.

What a helpless group of people they all are. I hear the men out there talking about how hungry they are. They asked the lady if she could cook for them and she responded, "Do you want gravy with your mashed potatoes?" It's 9 AM and there isn't a potato in sight. I have a feeling that I'll be making breakfast.

As I was attempting to fall asleep last night, I was trying to remember all of the different ways for a batter to get to first base. I thought that would bore me to sleep. But, I was just annoyed. At one point, I could come up with 5 ways....a single, a walk, pitcher's balk, dropped third strike and hit by a pitch. But, then I started thinking up other ways to get to first base and now I HAVE to know, how many ways are there? Can any of you think of any other ways to get to first base? If you can, put the answer in the comment section.

Then, I started thinking up different names for the male member. I asked that once before and we created a list...here it is:

Mr. Happy
Champ
Shaft
Dingo
Pepe
Mr. Midnight
The Thunder Down Under (My apologies to Georgia State Rep. Tumlin)
Mr. Peabody
Junior
Thor
Captain
The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger
Mr. Winky
The One Eyed Wonder Worm
The Handful
The Mouthful

Why do you suppose we do that? We name the parts of our body that are covered up by bathing suits. I have Sally, Sue and Molly. Rick had The Twister. (But he was generally only tire-kicking.) Most couples have their version of Mr. Happy. I think it's kind of funny that you don’t rename the body parts until you know someone really well. Up until then, you have to use the regular names of whatever body part the two of you are busy with.

I hate the word penis. What a stupid word. Penis. I hate that. Say it out loud a couple times, Penis...Penis.

Penis’s do give us some information...if you ever wondered whether or not God is a woman, look to the penis for the answer. If God WERE a woman, the penis would be on a man’s chin, not in between his legs. The penis will tell you how large a man’s foot is as well. You find one big enough and you can be sure, there are some big ass feet walking around somewhere. A funky penis will tell you that your date has been visiting a certain trailer park in Kennesaw, Georgia where the appellation trailer trash is considered a compliment.

Although I don’t know any people named penis, I did have a boss named Mr. Penisis. He was the manager for the Yankee Doodle Dandy Restaurant that I worked at when I was 15. I would use his phone and if he left his name tag on the desk, I would cover up the "IS" at the end. He never noticed it before he put it on. I can’t believe I was paid to laugh that much.

I wonder what the record is for using the word penis in a paragraph? Penis is a word that doesn’t flow too well, say it again, penis. You can’t really work penis into too many sentences. What can you really say about a penis? After the penis envy conversation, why would you ever use the word penis? You can’t just stand up and shout, “Penis!”, not even in a crowded movie theater. As a nurse, I was able to write penis occasionally, but not often. I did have a patient with a damaged penis once. I had an order to do a dressing change on his penis. I thought that perhaps a doctor should take care of the penis. A lady shouldn’t touch a strange man’s penis if there is another penis person around. So, the penis wielding doctor took care of the penis for me. Of course, I had to ASK him to change the penis dressing which meant I had to say the word penis to him. You can’t replace penis with One Eyed Wonder Worm at the nurses station, you just have to say penis. Shouldn’t the plural of penis be peni? Well, I am all penised out. (Funny, that never happened when I was with Rick.)

When my son slammed his penis with the toilet seat, the doctors at the emergency room told me to take him home and elevate it. (You use a rolled up towel.) Apparently, there are some penis stories in my family I didn’t know about. My father and I have been discussing penis’s and he told me that one of my brothers zipped his up and hid in his room with it zipped up. Talk about delicate. That explains a lot.The Chicago White Sox had a pitcher named Gary Peters who was injured once. The paper ran a story that said, “Sox to play without Peters!” I’ve been a Cubs fan ever since.

Have a lovely day!

Meg