Hi! I wrote this a couple of years ago when I was playing this "one date" game...I dated guys once and come here and talk about it. It was a while ago

Good morning!

I’m up at some unGodly time again. By the time normal people read this, I will have been up for hours. I was bored so I decided to read some emails that have been sent to Kelli...my evil alter ego at that dating site that I used to go to. I took down my real profile but left up the nutty chick that I use to get fodder for this blog. I hadn’t read any of the responses to that profile in a long time because I’ve been speaking to someone every spare chance that I had.

Yesterday, I was reading them and I had forgotten how icky some of those guys are. They don’t even wait until they introduce themselves before they get offensive...they are offensive in their screen names and the subject lines. One guy named Cum to Alabama emailed Kelli and wants her to come down there and “experience his oral skills.” Another nut named himself “8 inches of fun.”

I can see a 13 year old measuring himself, but I don’t understand how a fully grown adult man can sit in his house with a tape measure and a stiffie, taking notes. Now, just exclaiming that you are “8 inches of fun” is no good, especially when I don’t know the parameters for how you measured yourself. Did you start in front to be honest or in the “way back area”...in which case you gave yourself an inch or two that you didn't deserve?

Another thing, when were these measurements taken? I was 5’ 8” when I was 13...I just measured myself the other day and I was just over 5’ 6”. So, obviously, we shrink a bit with time.

Then, there are the men who say what they’d like to do on a first date, obviously trying to further their own cause:

A good first date I think anything where I could learn more about her. I'm very interested in how she grew up And what she is passionate about.

In my entire life, I have never met a man who wanted to know how I grew up. And my passions have never been a topic of interest unless of course, they had to do with passion.

And the guys who just want e-sex have no class at all. If your big mission is to get “laid” online, you should at least have the good taste to sweet talk a woman before you send the first email saying:

hello 26 from bc canada you are very pretty and i have pics and a web cam wanna chat/play?

Seriously, how tough would it be to politiely mention a few little niceties first, like:

“Hello there...I am a very nice man. I have two dogs whom I love dearly. I like football. OK...wanna have e-sex?"

Oh, another thing, if you enjoy older women, just treat them normally, there’s no reason to dwell on her age:

I am looking for an older woman to play with. I am twenty seven and love the experience and sensuality of a mature lady

Now, I know that “mature” is just another word for “old”...using tricky words doesn’t soften the blow at all. I won’t mention that you are a little boy if you don’t remind me that I’m an old lady. The guy who wrote that email was screwed from the get go because his screen name contained the year of his birth which also happens to be the year of my son’s birth. I don’t care how old you or my son are...if you’re his age, you’re too young....period.

OK...here’s one thing that you men have to understand...women are not the visual creatures that you are. We don’t care what you can do on camera nor do we want to see you do it. So...wait until a lady asks before you make the following offer:

wanna watch me cum on cam for u?

It won’t work...Even if your screen name is GorgeousBoy.

Oh, and back to just ASKING outright, can you tell me what’s wrong with this email?

Can I come there for sex?

This was sent to Kelli by a 21 year old infant. So, I responded thusly:

At your age? I doubt it.

Well, never let it be said that 21 year olds aren’t as confident in their bedroom skills as any other man who’s fooling himself:

What's wrong with my age? I am strong and can drive a woman of any age wild. I think good sex doesn't depend on age. My interest on sexing with you has nothing to do with age. What do you think? I hope we can arrange for sex. Get back to me, if you have changed your mind. I hope you will. Thanks and I am looking forward to hearing from youThanks?

Thanks for what? For insulting him and his sexual skills? There is NO WAY IN HELL that I would believe that a man under 30 can possibly possess the experience to back up this boy's statement.

Seriously, if you are not old enough to have voted in the last Presidential election...you aren’t old enough.

I could go on forever but I have things to do today. But...before I go, I want to post one more example of what NOT to say on your dating profile:

I hate crime. I hate criminals. I'll be glad to see every deadbeat dad, probational/parole violator, rapist, murderer, child endangerer, child abuser, wife beater, sex offender, prostitute, crack head, dealer, supplier, DUI, drivers with licenses suspended, no tag, no insured driver, reckless conduct, disorderly conduct put away in the county lock up. That's just job security for me, not to mention makes the neighborhoods just a little bit safer for all us law abiding citizens who work hard and go without some things to stay legal.

Can you imagine dating some Nazi like this? I spend a lot of time running away from men who think like this.

Well, I’m going to go get dressed for the day, this time I’m taking a shower and leaving the razors alone.

See ya,

Meg

PS...A few other things that turn me off...the term "hit me up", people who use the word "whenever" in the place of WHEN, (ex. "Whenever I bought this rubbie duckie I was drunk."), and people who use numbers in place of words...."I'm here 4 U and I want U 2." Oh, and needless to say, if you say that you are a "proffesionall"...I won't believe you.