Getting Annoying People Off The Phone

My first husband has a beautiful daughter. He gave me an extremely handsome son who I call William. Both of those kids are highly intelligent, very sensitive and impressively thoughtful. I swear, based on good looks alone, their father could have auctioned off his sperm for a LOT of cash, he seemed to do quite well in the procreation department.

Anyway Cindy, his daughter, and I have become good Facebook buddies.She posted a bit of a rant the other day and this is it:

I seriously freaking hate talking on the phone. I'm not a phone talker. I hate it. Because ever since I became an adult and my listening skills went way up..... people think "Oh she listens, I'll talk her ear off for 3 hours."....So I've decided from now on, I'm going to interrupt people all the time and tell them I gotta go because the stove caught on fire..... or something crazy like that.

I had to respond to her because I feel just like she does. I hate talking on the phone and I often find myself bored and suffering from anxiety because I can't seem to get in an, "OK then, I have to go...I'll talk to you later." With some people, even that does no good so I need to find creative ways to get myself off the phone, especially if the annoying skank on the other end is a very good friend of mine. So, since I've been around a lot longer than Cindy, I decided to help her out and offer some suggestions:


"You need a Rolodex of stories to tell when you want to get someone off the phone. My brain is full of them because I've been doing it for decades. Since you are so much like me, I'm gonna give you a few free time-tested methods that I find quite successful.  

1. Wrap a washcloth around your hand and knock on the front door. The washcloth muffles the sound perfectly, on the phone it sounds like the knock is coming from outside. Then, you have to tell them who knocked, I usually tell people that "Jehovah's Witness are at my door". Other "visitors" include UPS dude, annoying neighbor that constantly borrows stuff, blond chick's car broke down in front of my house and her cell phone is dead, fat kid selling candy bars for the school band.  
2. Say, "Whoa! Did you hear that?...OMG...a car just hit a tree out there, I have to call 911!"  
3. "Damn it...I gotta go, my dog just had diarrhea all over my carpet!!!"  
4. "Damn it...I gotta go, I just had diarrhea in my pants...NEVER TRUST A FART!!! See ya!"  
5. If I'm annoyed enough, I simply push the hang-up button while I'm in the middle of a sentence, take the phone off the hook...do a Scarlett O'Hara and simply "worry about it tomorrow".
6. I say, "Uh-oh, it just started raining and my car windows are down, my new lawnmower is in the middle of the back yard and my lingerie is drying on the clothes line!"
7. This is one of my favorites and it actually did happen once. "Oh my word! I made a vegetable lasagna in one of those disposable lasagna pans and as I was taking it out of the oven, the pan collapsed and now I have vegetable lasagna all over my oven door and my kitchen floor, not to mention my socks. Some of the stuff landed on my foot and the heat just reached my skin....OOOWWWW! Gotta go!"
8. This works well too...say "You're not going to believe this but there's an old man with a beagle on a leash and he's letting the dog crap on my yard!" Now, move the phone from your mouth and say, "Hey Gramps...let your dog shit somewhere else! Hey, hey...listen old man, put that gun away..." Then hang up the phone.
9. Knock on your door as described in #1 and tell the person on the phone that the Avon lady is at the door and you need to get some Skin-So-Soft to spray on your poor flea ridden dog. You know, it works pretty well. "Anyway, I've been waiting for her to come by ever since I lost her digits. Gotta run, ciao!"
10. If all else fails, scream, "OMG! There's a raccoon in my living  room!...AAAAAAHHHHHHH!" Then just hang up.

19 things you can only say on Thanksgiving...

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?.

Happy Election Day!!!

Yep, the Black Panthers are at it again in Phillie, "monitoring" the polling places. I've decided to create a group of my own and I'm gonna call it the White Otters. We won't be dreadfully political but we will be as annoying as the Black Panthers. Anyone is free to join my "movement"...you don't even have to be white...if any particular non-white person wants to be one of us, I don't mind calling them White Otters if they don't mind explaining it to their parents. And, by the way, the White Otters are all about respect for parents and members will spend time monitoring the voters and reminding them to call their mothers.

Also, oral hygeine will be assessed so we need to load up on excellent toothbrushes and be prepared to pass them out at any and all elections.

There is only one real requirement...you must either:

a. Lie to any and ALL pollsters

or

b. Refuse to participate in any and ALL polls.

Let the politicians figure it out by themselves...maybe one of them will get an idea without polls to do the thinking for them...and US.