Aw crap...

...according to YouTube, I am one sad and lonely individual. I signed in and it said:

You have nothing in your video log.

You have no favorites.

You have no subscribers.

You have no Friends.

And then, as if just to rub it in a bit more, it said:

There are no comments for this user.

Oh well. It's New Year's Eve and I have nothing to do. Not one stupid thing. I could go out and find something to do but I don't ever go out on New Year's Eve. I did it once and there was a blizzard in front of me being navigated by a bunch of drunken assholes. It was so scary that I made a deal with the Lord. I promised Him that if he got me home, I would never, ever drive on New Year's Eve again. And, I haven't. So, unless some really handsome guy pulls up in a stretch limo or Cheek Dude breaks his other date and decides to take me instead, I'll be sitting here all night.

The limo scenario is much more likely because in my mind, Cheek Dude is now a bum who plays women for tickets to great football games. There, I found a way to get through the day. Cheek Dude will be a bum for now. I reserve the right to change my mind later but for the time being, I'll pretend that he's a normal man and is only going out with me because I HAVEN'T fucked him and as soon as I do he'll be history.

This is actually turning out to be rather fun. Let's see, what else can we predict about Cheek Dude simply because he has testicles? If I took Rick and had him behave EXACTLY the same way that Cheek Dude has behaved, I would be sure to:

1. Find out that he just goes around screwing women he thinks he can screw.
2. Find out that he gave me the fudge and Chex-mix that another woman gave him.
3. Find out that a woman DID indeed decorate his house and she's off on a binge somewhere because he cheated on her.
4. Find out that he leaves skid-marks too.

Shit. (No pun intended.)

I mean, think about it. What's easier to believe? That there is a really nice guy who cooks fudge and Chex-mix or that there's a jerk giving away stuff that a woman made for him? In my world there are more of the latter than there are the former.

And seriously, why would a guy be so nice? Isn't it easier to believe that he's another one of those penis people that needs to conquer all the pussy in town? I've met more of the penis people than I have the nice guys. Maybe he's just really, really good at this. After all, he IS a great kisser. And just how DID he get that way? Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it.

On top of all that, I'm supposed to believe he wipes his ASS too? I don't think so. I've seen one too many skidmarks in my life.

I don't know how I could have been so stupid in the first place, what with that genius level IQ down there and all.

This is all OK. I'm cool with him being a bum now. I know how to deal with them. I understand that...I will just kick his ass back down. The last guy I put on a pedestal was Rick and we all know how that turned out. I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to think that this guy is what he seems to be.

I was just offered...

...a job that doesn't involve too much effort. It's a managerial type job and I like those. Being in charge is comfortable for me. When I'm a boss, I'm a nice boss. The job that I have now is a good one but I can't do it. I won't be able to do patient care for a while after the chemo so I need a job that keeps me sitting at a desk telling other people what to do.

It's quite a decrease in pay BUT it helps with your insurance so I won't have to pay for that. (Unless the insurance they have doesn't take pre-existing stuff, damn, I may STILL have to pay for it) It also has other benefits that make it worth it. Also, it's nice to make a lot of money an hour but it doesn't do any good if you can't work the hours to get the money. Anyway, I was happy to get that phone call. Now I have to take care of stupid shit and hopefully this job will be taken care of before the week ends.

On top of that, I got a letter in the mail from a publishing company that I queried last summer about a book that I was working on. They sent me a letter saying that they were interested in my manuscript but I never finished it because most companies don't want the whole thing. They just want 2 or 3 sample chapters and then they make you an offer. When this company said that they wanted the entire thing, I sort of forgot about it and never finished it. I must have been working a lot then to completely forget about that.

So, I just got a letter from them asking where the manuscript is. They said they're still interested so I have to at least try to finish something here soon. I called them and they did say that they would take a partial manuscript so that's what they're going to get. I would need an advance to go any further. Most people don't just sit around writing entire books that may never get read. If they do, it's pretty much a waste of time unless it's Stephen King.

Anyway, the only other thing going on today is cheek dude. Today is the day he's going to the Peach Bowl (I REFUSE to call it the Chik-fil-a Bowl!) and as I said, I don't know who he's going with but I doubt that he's going alone. His kids are with his parents so I imagine that he has a date. I could be wrong, he could be going with a guy friend but I sort of doubt it. As I said before, he's certainly within his rights to do that since he easily could have had plans a long time ago. But, I'm wondering if I'll get a call at midnight.

Now, if I don't, how should I deal with that? I figure I should just ignore it. I figure he'll call me sometime today. I guess it's so early in this relationship that I need to just shut up. Damn. I'm not good at shutting up.

You know, I've been thinking about the way I've reacted to this guy and although I've done fine in front of him, the things that have gone through my mind have be a tad unnerving. I could easily turn him into a jerk in my mind. As a matter of fact, my brain IS trying to turn him into a jerk...even though it has no decent evidence with which to do so. It doesn't seem to need any at all. It's doing a damn good job of it all by itself.

My mother used to say that if I was in a nice relationship, I would go out of my way to do something to screw it up. She may have been right. I'm not thinking about DOING anything stupid. I can restrain myself from that. But I am trying to find a reason to do something stupid.

I should be able to sit back and enjoy this but I can't.

If my brain keeps this up, cheek dude doesn't have a chance. That's no good for anyone.

Damn, damn, damn.

On top of everything that I have to do today, I have to watch that dumb game so I can see if they show him in the crowd with a date. Ain't that a BITCH?

OH! He told me that it's considered bad luck to leave a Christmas tree up past New Year's Eve. I didn't know that. I've been leaveing it up until after New Year's Eve for years. Maybe THAT'S been the problem all along! Now I have to go take that sucker down before a black cat crosses my path.

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the # &%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!!

AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?

Her Majesty

Considering where I am, I knew that I would be a regional genius but UNIVERSAL? Cool beans.

This is so cute...

http://karins-korner.blogspot.com/2007/12/got-this-in-e-mail-this-morning.html

There's a sweet story in that post. If you have the time it's really a good read.

Meg

Is this possible?

"...I'm thinking that it's the kindness that is undoing you..."

You know, I think you're right! Damn, he is a nice guy. Crap, that just might be it! I'm thinking back as far as I can and the last nice guy I went out with was my husband before Rick. And even HE wasn't THIS nice! He wouldn't let me spend any money but he didn't cook for me like this one does.

And even when my ex was being that nice he WAS getting some. This one is being nice without getting any. And I've figured something out, he is totally going to wait for me to make the first move. I almost laughed out loud when it occurred to me that his hands were only going as far as mine were. I could make his hand move by moving mine lower. Then, I went to the bathroom and when I came out, I noticed that my bedroom light was on. I said, "Oh, I thought that you had gone in there and turned the light on." He said, "No, not without an invitation."

I wanted to say, "Then we better go to your place next because then it'll be up to YOU to do the inviting." But, instead I just walked him to the door. I don't know if I could come right out and say, "Shall we retire to my boudoir?" Nope, not the first time.

If he's going to be a gentleman and wait for me to do that...we may be waiting for quite a while. OR...I could make the decision while I'm sober and then drink some liquid nerve. I bet I could get him into my lair then.

I think I'm really stuck on the line that AKA left in the comment. He is a nice guy and I have to start acting like I'm going out with a nice guy. The problem is that my experience has been with assholes. I know how to act around a jerk...basically because I can be such a jerk myself. But I'm not sure how to handle a nice guy. This is quite a pickle.

My ex (the nice one) left things up to me as well. I remember thinking at the time, "That's not too smart of him." Of course it was the gentlemanly thing to do but as I said, I don't know how to act around them. I usually play defense. I'm not too comfortable on the offensive line.

The ex and I were making out once and he said, "Can I put my hand up your shirt?" I responded, "If you'd have just gone ahead and done it, I wouldn't have minded but since you asked, I have to say no." That's not my rule...it's just the way it is.

I'd like to skip all of this and go straight to comfortable because I'm so fricking confused by this one. And if he's confusing me with kindness NOW...he could get even kinder as time goes by. Then, if I haven't given it up, I'll feel guilty. Damn, I could end up giving it up just because the guy brought me a dish of peanut butter cookies.

OK, so far I've been out with maybe 3 nice guys in a half of a century. It's occurring to me that they are rather rare. I could always wait for another one but at this rate I'll be 72 by the time that happens. I guess I had better work on this one some more.

You know, it's been easy for me to go out with men a couple of times for fun and then just stop seeing them right away. They make it so easy. If they put me on defense too soon, which is what most of them do, then I just blow them off. Sooner, never later, they do something so incredibly stupid that I go, "NEXT!" And when the next one is an idiot, I'm not at all surprised. So, yeah, having a nice one is sort of mystifying.

I'm starting to lose count, we've gone out at least 7 times and he still hasn't done one wrong thing. And he IS a nice guy. And he hasn't offended me at all. And I didn't expect that. But shit, he IS a man!? I'm not sure how to get past that little aspect of the guy.

OK...I'll just sit back and wait. I'm sort of curious to see how this is going to work out.

:)

Damn...

...that guy is good. He just left and should be almost halfway home. What a nice guy he is! He MADE me fudge. Whenever I invite him over for dinner, he always makes something and brings it. Last time it was his own chex-mix. That's just so derned sweet!

I don't know how he can be so good at this. He STILL hasn't done or said one wrong thing at all. He sure is making me crazy. I guess that's OK, he said something to the same effect a little while ago.

I got lucky tonight, my sister had a date and my son went out. They both came home before cheek dude left but they went straight to their rooms when they did so he and I stayed out in the living room.

We watched Eddie Murphy's Raw. I hadn't seen that in years so it was pretty funny again. We watched it on Bravo and before it even started I was wondering how much they would cut out of that show. It was raw in 1987 and that was before political correctedness. That show hasn't cooked at all since '87, it's only gotten more raw over the years. He used the F word and I don't mean fuck. Of course he used that word too...I just meant that he also used the word faggot. They bleeped the hell out of that show but we enjoyed it anyway.

You know what I feel like doing? I feel like going to my room and lying on my bed to think about cheek dude. If I hurry now, we'll both be going to bed at about the same time.

:)

PS Did you ever try to send ESP signals to someone you were making out with? I was doing that tonight. :)

OMG!!!

Something just occurred to me! Cheek dude is a MAN! What the hell am I doing even THINKING about the things that I wrote about earlier today? I must be insane.

Oh well, at least I caught myself.

Wasn't that stupid. Whew, I better not let it happen again. He's a good kisser and that's good enough. After the kissing, they all pretty much do the same thing. And what the heck am I doing with my stupid self? I'm sitting here feeling all googly eyed about a good kisser without even considering how he got that way. I know how I got that way, I kissed a LOT of guys. I don't want to even try to worry about someone who kisses as much as I do.

OK then. I've gotten myself into this dinner thing so I have to go fix it but after that I'm going to clear the clouds out of my eyes.

Don't worry, I'm OK now.

Sometimes I get really, really bored.

Things I never considered Part 6

As I waited...

...for my father to call me back with a plan…any plan, I wondered why the cops would have treated me the way that they did. Although I knew that this would be a coroner’s case, I didn’t think that the coroner arbitrarily checked for antifreeze. But I really didn’t know. Then it occurred to me that the cops wouldn’t have had enough time to get any results back so certainly they didn’t know about the antifreeze yet. They couldn’t possibly have known that quickly.

So why did they treat me like that? There couldn’t have been any evidence, I didn’t leave any. Or did I? Was it a hunch? No, if it had been a hunch they still would have been friendly. At least they would have started off friendly.

There was something that I didn’t know. I pretty much figured that out. I just couldn’t figure out what it could possibly have been. That bugged me and it was a tad frightening but I had already decided that the worst case scenario was prison and although I would try to avoid it, it was a price that I was willing to pay.

I sat in my recliner and worried about what the cops had. If it wasn’t evidence or a hunch, it had to be a person. Someone said something to the cops. That had to be it.

When my husband had the affair at Sears, everyone knew about it before I did. I was literally the last person to know. Once the affair was out in the open, his co-workers would approach me and say, “I knew that it had to be something like that! You wouldn’t believe the things we heard him saying on the telephone!”

Why didn’t they tell me when they first figured it out? If they all “knew it had to be something like that”, why didn’t anybody ever give me the first heads up? Even the guy with the crush on me never told me until I figured it out by myself.

It occurred to me that I was probably not the only person to know about THIS affair. And of course, there was the whore herself to consider. I had no idea what stories she was told when the two of them tried to justify their own actions by demonizing me. In a perfect world, she would have been arrested for the murder instead of me. Then she would go away for a long, long time because a jury isn’t going to like an murdering adulteress. They were much more likely to be rather sympathetic to my cause.

Those are the types of things that I thought about as I waited for my phone to ring with the name of a good defense attorney. Then, all of a sudden, I noticed the silence and it was actually deafening for a split second. Time seemed to bend for a moment and that split second seemed to last forever but the ring of the telephone snapped me back.

I grabbed the phone from the table next to my recliner, “Hello?”

A male voice queried, “Jean Cardis?”

Thinking it was someone that my father had referred to me I said, “Speaking.”

“Mrs. Cardis, how do you feel about the accusations being levied against you by your husband’s mistress?”

Ah. That’s why the cops acted like they did. What a bitch. How did she find out he was dead? He hadn’t been gone for 24 hours yet.

I have no idea how she found out that he wasn’t coming back anytime soon. That SOB had so many secrets from me that to this day they still pop up every so often. Just a few weeks ago I found two pair of ugly ass underpants that obviously belonged to a fat chick. And his last bimbo was one ofthose.

Looking back and considering how the trial went, I sometimes think that instead of using antifreeze, I should have gotten a gun and shot him in the head. I could have made him admit to everything he had ever done. Can you imagine how good that would have felt? Every time he told a lie I could have pumped a bullet into a different part of his legs until I made it up to his offending body parts.

Oh well, it’s too late for regrets. I chose antifreeze. If that nut Lynn Turner hadn’t just killed a second innocent man with antifreeze, I doubt they even would have checked for it. As a matter of fact, I know they wouldn’t have. It was mentioned at trial. At that moment my problem was the media. They assumed that I knew that my husband had a mistress. I decided to play stupid.

As I said before, in a perfect world, that bitch would have been convicted of killing the fool herself. And, if I had gone to the cops first and pointed the finger at her, she might have been the one on the defensive. But, that would have been stupid of me. I watched enough Cops and American Justice to know that most people screw themselves. If every single person clammed up and refused to talk to the cops, very few crimes would be prosecuted successfully. Actually, there was as much evidence against her than there was against me. I had nothing to worry about but her and her stupid mouth.

After a moment of silence, I answered the idiot on the phone.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He started to ask another question but I hung up the phone and pulled the cord out of the wall. I needed a minute to figure out how to handle the many phone calls which were bound to come in as soon as I plugged that phone back in. If one reporter could get my number, they all could.

I hadn’t planned for that particular contingency. I hadn’t planned for a few things. I never even gave the funeral a thought. But now I had to throw one together quickly. When we were in Scotland, my husband told me that he wanted to be cremated and then tossed in the River Tweed. But that was a long time ago.

I didn’t think that I wanted to honor his wishes at that point so I didn’t make any plans to go to Scotland but I did want to burn his ass. Of course, I didn’t know if that would be feasible if the coroner was going to be holding onto the body as evidence. I figured that one way or another, they would release it relatively quickly, perhaps within a week. So, I did have a few days to consider that. I sort of wished that his family would deal with all of that crap. After all, they liked him. But I was his wife and it was my job.

So, I made plans for a nice, tasteful little memorial service although I didn’t know who would be coming. He had no friends that I knew of. Of course, there were a LOT of things that I didn’t know about my husband.

Cheek dude...

...tucked me in last night. We were making out and there came a time when he had to leave or he wasn't going to be going anywhere. So, before he left I asked him if he would tuck me in. He did. That was so sweet.

I really like this one. I have some odd things going through my head about how to handle this relationship. Like, when do you finally give it up to a guy that you like? The guys that I don't like are easy enough, I know what to do with them. But, I haven't had one that I liked in so long that I can't remember what I'm supposed to do.

Do you actually discuss it first? Do you plan it? Do you just surprise him by not stopping? I don't know what the heck I'm doing here.

I could discuss it with him and tell him my thoughts but I don't know how to bring it up. I don't think it's appropriate at this point but I'd like to know when it is appropriate, if ever.

We're on a daily phone call with an implied date at least once a week. He has custody of his kids and they're with the grandparents for the holidays so I'm taking advantage of his free time. FULL advantage. He's going to the Peach Bowl (Chik-fil-a bowl?) so I needed to grab as much of his time as I could until then.

I don't know who he's going to that game with and I didn't ask. It's entirely possible that he had plans with another woman that he couldn't break and that doesn't bother me one bit. I'm still going out with the guy in the video...the one who honked his horn when he came to get me. I found out why he did that, by the way. His driver side door was broken and he didn't want me to have to open the door to let him out. I had to let that slide. Anyway, I am still seeing other guys so I can't worry about whether or not cheek dude is seeing other chicks.

So, that brings up another question...at what point do you make a relationship exclusive and does it need to be said? I went out with a guy once who assumed that we were "going steady" when I didn't know it. I don't make assumptions like that. If that guy would have asked me not to see other guys, I wouldn't have. But when I did see them, he would find out easily enough because his sister was my baby-sitter.

When he found out that I had gone on a date with another guy, he wasn't happy. I told him that he should have said something and he thought that it should have been a given. There were no "I love you's" at the time, I had no way of knowing that he wanted to be exclusive. But maybe he's right and at some point it IS just assumed...I hope not, but it could be. If that's the way it is, it's sort of stupid because you could end up with the situation that I just described.

I can just add that question to the question about how to broach the subject of sex and be totally confused. It seems as though the longer we go without doing that the more likely it is that it needs to be discussed. Damn. Oh well, if that's the way it is, fine.

I know one thing for sure, it's a sober decision. I wouldn't make that decision after I had ANYTHING to drink, even one beer. It's not as though I go out and get drunk, but even one beer could sway my better judgement enough to make me do something stupid.

When he comes over here or I go to his place, I don't drink. I only drink if I'm out at a drinking place. He did bring over a bottle of wine that day I made the lasagna but other than that, I'm completely sober when we're close to my bed. Thank goodness for that.

Tonight I'm making a man's meal, country fried steak. All men love that, even my son. I make mashed potatoes with it so my sister will be happy. Tonight everyone will be happy with dinner if I don't burn it. Well, I have to cook and clean a bit if I'm going to have a guy over to not sleep with again.

Hi!

Is there anyone out there who knows how to transfer a font into your own group of fonts? If so, could you tell me in the comments here?

Thanks!

Meg

Good morning!

Cheek dude and I have progressed to the frequent phone call status of relationship levels. That's a good thing AND a bad thing. I'm getting a tad leery of my feelings here so I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm still holding the feelings reign good and tight, but damn, he is just so cute!

Did I just say "He's just so cute?" Wow. That's what got me in trouble before. I believe that it was the basis of my long unrequited love affair with Donny Osmond. Uh oh, I could be in serious trouble here.

I've sort of been dreading this ever since I started dating again. I knew that sooner or later there would be a good one and now there is. For now I'll keep my feelings in check which is wise, but I'm not sure if I'll know when to let them go. I'll have to at some point otherwise I'll end up alone when I'm 64.

I'd be good and comfortable letting myself fall for one of those guys with no lower body that walks on their hands. I'd be relatively secure that that kind of guy wouldn't cheat. But I don't know any half people. The guys who ask me out all have legs and hips and...everything else.

I'm not so much concerned about cheating as I am being the idiot who wants the other person more than they're wanted back. Wouldn't that just suck?

This has been a major concern of mine for a long time now. It took 6 years before I liked Rick enough to marry him. I started out thinking he was a creep but if you run into a creep enough, he seems to lose some of his creepiness. They SEEM to lose it. The creepiness is still there, you just stop noticing it. Then the creep grows on you a bit and before you know it, you're married to it.

I don't have that problem this time. The guy is most assuredly not creepy. He's a really, really good one. He hasn't done one wrong thing in 5 dates, a hundred emails or a bunch of phone calls. How rare is that?

He doesn't make all those stupid double entendre comments when I talk. Of course if I walk right into it, he let's me have it but he always apologizes. But I can safely say things like, I need to pump up this ball." without the risk of hearing, "I'd like to pump some balls myself." But like I said, if I walk into something, he doesn't let me off the hook.

The other day I asked him if he had been a Boy Scout and he said, I was a Cub Scout but I got kicked out."

"Why?" I asked in an amazed tone.

"I ate too many brownies."

I not only walked into that one, I set it up for him. He does make my cheeks hurt from smiling and I like it when that happens.

Aw crap. I don't know what I'm supposed to do about this. It's not an emotional emergency, I can ride on cruise control for now. But sooner or later, whether it's this guy or not, I'll probably have to think about that a bit more.

It's been in the back of my mind all along but it wasn't an issue so I never bothered with it. I've just been doing my first real love, going out on a LOT of first dates. Those are great because guys are on their best behavior. I've been doing that for a good while now. At one point, when I was going through the "I'm gonna do every guy I get my hands on" phase, I had enough of them to have the guys do minor household repairs for me. I would take pictures of them (they came out in silhouette so you couldn't identify them) and post them on here. They're back there somewhere. Anyway, if you meet enough of them this is bound to happen sooner or later. Eventually one of them will be a good one.

During the household fix-it-a-thon, I was hoping to date a contractor so that I could get a LOT of different stuff done. Most guys specialize so you pretty much have to have a few of them to get anything done. If I were a guy, I'd figure out how to fix it all myself and I'd like a guy like that. I wonder if cheek dude can fix anything? He doesn't wear a blue shirt with his first name over the pocket when he works.

His place is so damned nice that it blew me away. I know what it takes to decorate a room and he really did a great job. I would absolutely swear that a chick did that but he did it himself. Every single thing that was hanging on the wall, sitting on a table or standing in a corner was nice and obviously chosen with some thought behind it. I wouldn't have thought that a straight guy would even have the ability to do that, much less the motivation.

Oh well. Most guys can get through a first date pretty well, but they still can't seem to go without some stupid comment or action for very long. They make it easy to have a quick first date and then, "NEXT!" This guy keeps on going without doing anything stupid. That's quite smart of him. It shows impressive restraint. I know what goes through men's mind and this one is using amazing control over his innately male need to do or say stupid shit. Sooner or later they all let go and you get to see the real them...but the smart ones don't show that phase until the chick is hooked.

Well, I get to see him again tonight only I'm letting him drive. I don't want any Daniel Boone type expeditions with a bit of Bonnie and Clyde tossed in for good measure. And with any luck at all, I can get him to the couch again. I finally hit the ball, I'm rounding first and the second base coach is waving me in.



:)

Now I know how...

...my father felt when I gave him an electric shaving cream can warmer for Christmas. I got a hand held back massager that looks like a good idea, but there was no man attached to it so I'm not sure how to make it work.

I could get cheek dude to use it but considering that it took 5 dates before we made out, I doubt that I would want to break out any toys until sometime next autumn.

So, I'm left with my hand held back massager and no one to operate it for me.:(

Oh well, it's better than the mouse earrings that Rick got me the first year that we were married. That fall Rick and I had a mouse in our house. There may have been more than one....we were never sure. We never saw more than one but it got around quite a little bit for one mouse. Anyway, we eventually assassinated the little vermin and by Christmas...that rodent was the furthest thing from my mind. I opened my gift with the anticipation of a young wife, after less than four months of marriage, opening the first gift that my loving skunk of a husband had chosen for me all by himself.As I opened the small box under the tree that year, my eyes saw two glistening earrings in the shape of an animal head. They were gold...but...“My...Are they.....cats?”

“No.”, he replied with pride. “They’re mice.!” He was smiling with the pride of a four year old who had just painted his masterpiece...on his parent’s bedroom wall.

There was but one question in my mind. Did he go out shopping specifically FOR mouse earrings...or did he happen upon them and exclaim, all agape, “Oh my! The perfect gift!!! My wife...the woman who puts up with all of my bullshit, not to mention the shit on my underwear...she simply must be the owner of this magnificent piece!”?

My guess was that he grabbed the closest thing to the door that was under ten bucks. He evoked that theory one year when I received a doll...AND the price tag!...all for $9.99. And this was not just any doll. Oh no. This doll had a head that spun around in circles as it played "These are a Few of my Favorite Things"...not exactly “our song”...nor was it one that had any particular meaning to me. I wished that I had gotten him a Pet Rock.

The next year I got even with him for the musical, head spinning doll...I bought him a dust buster. I really did. It’s still under the bathroom sink and he can have it back anytime he’d like.

I think that I need to go relax somewhere now. Have a good evening and I'll be back after a while.

:)

I's great to be an adult!!!

How do you eat Ovaltine? I at it anyway I want to!

GUESS WHAT!?!?

Tonight I was behind a cop chase! It was basically an OJ cop chase, but that's good because if it was any faster I wouldn't have been able to watch the entire thing.

Cheek dude asked me to come to his place tonight and since he is the absolute best guy I've met since Rick, I agreed. He lives about 15 miles from me and this is our 5th date. He's driven every other time so I didn't mind going to his place one little bit.

I had to go to the bank and it was on the way to his place so that worked out well. After that, my entire trip went to hell. I know how to get to the bank. But when I turned out, I went the wrong way. I knew it immediately so I turned into a pharmacy and drove up to the drive thru window to ask which way to turn to get back to the street that I turned off of to get to the bank. The pharmacist wasn't American, I think she was German. Whatever that accent was, I couldn't understand a word she was saying. All I wanted to know was right or left...how hard is that?

Eventually she just got someone else who was so fricking stupid...or else she thought that I was an idiot because she decided to WRITE THE DIRECTIONS DOWN! I sat there waiting at a drive thru window watching this chick write crap down and I didn't know what she was writing. I didn't know why this was so hard. I didn't know why this was happening.

So, she gave me the directions and I read the only one that I needed...Turn left out of the parking lot.

Then, I drove on back to Canton Highway. In Chicago, the streets don't change names and there's only one of each of them. Grand Avenue starts in Chicago at Lake Michigan and it stays Grand Avenue for 50 miles that I'm aware of. Furthermore, there isn't more than one Grand Avenue.

But, for some idiotic reason, down in the south, the streets change names every 3 miles. It's in the constitutions of states south of the Mason-Dixon Line. So I turned right on Canton Road which was Church Road when I got on it. As I did, I realized that I didn't pass my office so I couldn't have gone far enough. I turned around and went back to the first street to turn right and keep going. Then I saw Canton Road again only this time it was the Canton Road Conn. Around here Conn. means connector. That would imply that it would be connecting me to Canton Road at some point. It didn't. I had to go back and turn down the SAME Canton Road that I turned off of.

I finally got back on the right Canton Road and I couldn't BELIEVE what I had just been through. Those little fake Canton Road escapades added a half an hour to a drive that should have been less than 30 minutes. Anyway, I finally got back on the right road.

I came to a stop light and as I stopped, I barely passed a Cobb County Sheriff's car. I noticed the Dunkin Donuts across the street and thought, "I should catch his eye and point to that Dunkin Donuts." Right about then the light turned green and I started to go. I hadn't gone 5 feet when I saw red and blue lights.

I immediately thought to myself, "They're gonna bust me for THINKING that?"

I quickly saw that they didn't want me, they wanted some guy in front of the cop. The fool kept going and I didn't know why. At one point he put on his directionals and I figured he was going to pull over to the right and stop but he never did. The yahoo kept driving for miles and he was going in the same direction that I needed to go so I had to follow them. There were a few other cars back with me about 250 yards behind the cops and the nut in the car.

I was a little freaked because I had no idea what was about to happen. But the guy didn't break one traffic law the entire time, he just wouldn't stop. He used his directionals and drove the speed limit the entire time. He was the most polite driver out there. Anyway, I started to get upset and at one point I actually thought that I was going to cry. It occurred to me that it probably wouldn't help matters if I messed up my mascara so I refrained from tearing up.

Eventually the guy did stop and when he did, we all gave him and the cops wide girth around in case anybody decided to start shooting bullets. I have the kind of luck that would get me shot at so I was sort of hunkered down a bit as I passed them.

I got back in control of myself and as soon as I did, cop cars started coming from everywhere. It was awful.

By the time the ordeal was over, I almost missed my turn but I didn't. Then I found the right street but I couldn't find the right place. I got out of the car at one point but it wasn't right at all. I had such confidence in my abilities that I purposely left the directions at home thinking, "I have it in my head...and God knows I'm smart." Duh.

I got back in the car and kept driving. When I got to the end, I just put it in park and laughed for a couple of minutes. Then I drove back and as I did, I saw him standing outside.

Ta da.

We went out to Steak and Shake and I had steakburger and a shake. Then we went back to his place and watched a movie. This guy's house is actually decorated better than mine is. That's not right but it is impressive. So is he.

I'm home now and I have to go to bed. I just wanted to tell you about my exciting night.

:)

Colleen Lombardi asks:

why dont you just finish up and adopt Solaris as one of your children?

I answer:

I don't need to. She's a married woman. But we found out that she doesn't even need her husband. She's been taking great care of herself since he left her with all the bills and he's had to become boy toy to a barren old hag to find a place to sleep and food to eat.

I almost feel sorry for the nimrod. But he did make his bed. Well, actually, Solaris did. She paid for it anyway. He has no bed to call his own. Lucky for him he's not picky.

:)

Things I never considered Part 5

I inhaled a huge...

...breathe of guilt like the one that “the deceased” had breathed when I picked up on Ellen’s area code. As I held out my arm indicating that the door was to my right, I wondered if the cops had noticed the rise and fall of my chest. I dismissed that thought as irrelevant and watched quietly as two officers in cheap suits walked out my front door.

Although retired and living in Florida, my father is an attorney so I called him immediately. He listened quietly as I told him the basics, my husband is dead and the cops seemed to be pointing the finger at me. I waited for him to ask me if I had bumped off the fool but he never did. Later I learned that in this country, only the husband/wife relationship is protected to the extent that one spouse does not have to testify against the other. The parent/child relationship has no such protection. I think I learned that from Greta as well.

Anyway, my father said that at this point, I should just keep doing what I was doing. Nothing. I should just keep my mouth shut and he would make a few calls to see if he could find me an attorney. Neither one of us knew then that we needn’t have bothered. I put the phone down and sat on my recliner. I thought to myself, “Dad will fix this.” I knew it was foolish the moment that it crossed my mind.

I love my father but he hasn’t always “fixed” things. Sometimes, as any other parent does, he did more harm than good. I know that he has always done what he thought was best and that he did what he did out of his love for his children. But his ideas were somewhat outmoded by the 70’s. His attitude toward women was still the same as it was when he was 25. But it was a time of massive social upheaval and not all parents of the day were equipped to prepare young people for the transforming roles that they would be expected to play.

I think it was the end of my sophomore year of high school when I approached my father about college. At school they were telling us to start making plans and many of my friends were doing just that. So, when I asked my father what the plan for me was, his answer flabbergasted me.
“I have three sons to put through school. If I used the money on you, it would be wasted when you end up pregnant.”

Pregnant? I was a virgin. I didn’t even have a boyfriend. I was suffering from a hideous case of unrequited love but that wouldn’t get me pregnant.

You know, there are two comments that my father made to me that I remember to this day. I remember them word for word and I find them both just as perplexing today as I did the day he made them. One of them was the comment that I just told you about and the other was the one he made when I tried to get an education all by myself. It wouldn’t have cost him a dime. He wouldn’t have had to lift a finger. As a matter of fact, the best thing that he could have done at that point was shut up and do nothing. Oh, how I wish he had.

I graduated from high school in 1976. It was a great year. The Bicentennial was a year-long party and with my high school graduation, it was a busy year. And on January 1rst of that year, the Army created a plan that allowed you to enlist 6 months before you had to show up. I was interested.

Even as a child my parents didn’t know where I was most of the time so as a 17 year old, they certainly didn’t ask any questions when I left for hours at a time. I spoke to a recruiter and he began taking me to all of the tests and physicals that were required. Like a fool I answered “Yes.” to a question on a physical that I could have just as easily said “No.” to. No one would have ever known. But I told them that I had hay fever and that bought me a battery of pulmonary tests at Great Lakes Naval Hospital.

Then I was sent to a classroom filled with recruits, mostly men. The women were glaringly outnumbered. When a nurse put a box of syringes on my desk, I thought I was supposed to take one and pass the rest down the row. But they were all for me. Then and now, needles have always been one of my biggest fears. They rank right up there with spiders and cheating husbands. I didn’t know if I could handle those needles. There were so many that I couldn’t easily count them.

The nurse knelt down next to me and started sticking those needles in my arm one at a time. I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t say, “OUCH!” and I couldn’t refuse. I was going to be a soldier. I was surrounded by men who didn’t think women should have been there in the first place. The worst thing that I could do was back out so I sat at that desk while needle after needle went into my left arm. Then, needle monster went to my right arm and began again. I stared straight ahead in stunned shock until it was over. I was sure that I was pale. But eventually, it was over.

For being such a “trouper”, the recruiter took me to on a tour of the naval base. On the way back to the office, he said, “There’s only one thing left and you’ll be in the United States Army.”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“Your signature! The papers are at the office, you can sign them before you leave.”

I thought about my parents. For some stupid reason, I thought that I had to talk to them before I signed papers as important as the papers waiting for me back at the office.

“Let me tell my parents before I do that. They don’t know anything about this yet.” I think that surprised him.

That’s probably the only argument that the recruiter couldn’t counter. He didn’t even try.

When he dropped me off near my car I assured him that I would be back as soon as I apprised my parents of the situation. Surely they wouldn’t have a problem with my plan. After all, my father served in the 101rst Airborne Division and he always seemed rather proud of that. Of course, he was a man.

My father was the only person home when I walked in the door and actually, he was the one that I feared would have been angry had I signed those papers without discussing it with him first. So, if I told him that moment, I could get back to the recruiter’s office before it closed. He could tell Mom.

He was in the living room reading the newspaper when I walked in the house. He barely looked up from the paper as I told him what I had done and what I had planned on doing. I finished my pitch with, “And that way I can go to college. If I leave right now I can make it before the office closes.”

His composed comeback rocked my world and influenced the direction of my life in ways that I wouldn’t fully comprehend for another 10 years:

“If I thought that a daughter of mine had nothing better to do with her life than to go into the Army, I would be sorely disappointed.”

I was rather disappointed myself.

That was early February. By the end of March my virginity was a distant memory.

How old are you?


Do you remember this?

Things that I never considered Part 4

I invited the two officers...

...into my house and into my living room. The tall one sat on my burgundy chair and the shorter one sat on my couch. He sat right on the spot where my husband sat while he watched television.

He watched a lot of television. He had no friends, no hobbies, no interests at all unless you count women that he worked with. It seems as though the man has “dated” at least one woman from every single job he has ever had.

There was one at Franklin Electronics but he dumped her as soon as I found out about that affair. He was dumb enough to give her our number and she called one evening after we had eaten dinner. There was another one at Sears but he didn’t dump her as quickly.

I had suspected something with that affair but as usual, I had no proof. Just a nagging suspicion that something was going on. I don’t even remember what made me so chary with that one. I do remember that I knew he was screwing someone at work and that there were only two possibilities, it had to be one of the two bimbos who worked the front desk at the Sears service department, either Lori or Ellen.

I did confront him about my feelings but without a tape of him actually boning the bitch, he wasn’t going to admit to one damned thing. I even found a phone number in his pocket but when I called it, a guy answered the phone. I sort of let it go for a while and tried to get the thoughts out of my mind.

One day he and I were sitting in the living room chatting when the phone rang. It was his boss calling from the service center 40 miles away. I looked at my husband talking on the phone when I had an epiphany. That service center had a different area code than we did. I didn’t have the thought for more than a second before my mouth opened and said, “Oh! I had the wrong area code!”

The sudden deep breathe he took as he continued talking to his boss told me that I was right. As soon as he hung up I dialed the phone number that I had found only this time I dialed a different area code first.

“Hello?” said an older woman.

“Can I speak to Ellen?” I had a 50/50 chance and I guessed the right one. Ellen came to the phone. I hung up and looked at my idiot husband as he mumbled something stupid about how Ellen’s father had some land for sale.

My husband never had two nickles to rub together from the day I met him to the day he left. We couldn’t afford a piece of land in the boonies. Especially one with no house on it. He actually expected me to believe that he had this chick’s number so that we could make a land investment.

But still, he denied any wrongdoing. There was no way in hell that he was going to admit to anything unless I had caught him red handed. I figured out that he only broke off the earlier affair because he had no idea what that one said to me on the phone. He had no idea what lie to make up. Also, by now I guess he figured that if I stayed for one I would probably stay for another.

We bickered for a while and then things went back to “normal”. I didn’t discuss it and he didn’t ever buy any land.

One night he was being particularly nasty to me for no reason. He went to bed in an attempt to avoid explaining his behavior with me and quickly fell asleep. As soon as he did, I started looking for evidence. I had no idea what I was looking for but I'd know it when I saw it. I knew that there could be no other reason than an affair for his spiteful treatment of me. I picked up his keys and went out to the driveway where his work van was parked. I opened the door and found exactly what I was looking for.

He couldn’t lie away a love letter and that’s exactly what I found. The idiot didn’t even try to hide the stupid thing. He left it sitting right on top of the console.

I took the letter and walked into the house, down the hallway and into our bedroom. I turned on the light. Half asleep and still acting like a pompous ass, he shouted, “Turn off that goddamned light!”

“Uh…no. If I did you wouldn’t be able to read your whore’s little love letter that I found in the van.”

That got his attention.

He tried playing stupid and when he did, I actually argued with him. When he said that nothing was going on between the two of them, I repeated what was written in the letter. He denied it and I said, “Here, look at what she wrote!”

He took the letter and I never saw it again. His story was that he had driven 40 miles to “say Good-bye” to Ellen and she gave him the letter. Doesn’t every married man break up with his mistress in person? He admitted to “hugging her” and of course SHE touched HIS dick. He was sucking her face at the time, but it was Ellen who did the real sex stuff, my husband just sat back and let her.

My relationship with another guy saved my marriage after that affair. There was nothing but friendship between the two of us but I knew that the guy wanted me. He worked with my husband and he knew about the affair. He certainly felt no loyalty to my husband but like an idiot, I did. And the thought of competition drove my husband right back to me.

You know, there are two things that I can point to if asked, “What are the two biggest mistakes that you’ve ever made in your entire life?” The first one is that I broke up with a guy named Mike to marry my husband. The second is that I chose my husband over the guy who wanted me during his affair with Ellen.

Do you have any idea what it does to a woman to have to deal with a cheating husband? I let it happen, I take responsibility for that. But accountability isn’t my point. My point is that ever since I felt the need to fight for my marriage, I haven’t accomplished a damned thing of any import. How could I?

Being married to a cheating man is like the Viet Nam War. First of all, the cause isn‘t worth the effort. Secondly, the enemy doesn’t play by the normal rules. A cheater will suck every resource that you have and then leave you when you’re depleted of any reserve that you might have had. And as they leave, they complain that you’re too much of a burden to carry anymore.

It’s not as though I didn’t want to accomplish things. And as a single mother of three kids, I did. I went to college and graduated with honors. I could have done anything I wanted to do. If I wanted to be President, I would have at least become a Senator in the effort. Of that, I have no doubt. But my desires were always simple, all I ever wanted was a partner for life. Just someone who would always be there, no matter what else happened. I just wanted a husband. The way I was raised, that wasn’t out of the question. I never wanted to be alone and that’s what I was faced with if I let my husband leave me.

And that’s why I had two police officers sitting on my couch. I had no reason to think that they suspected me except for the fact that I was the spouse. I decided to play it pleasant.

I offered them a cup of coffee they refused it. They immediately began treating me like a suspect and I immediately asked them to arrest me or leave. I’ve watched enough Greta Van Sustern to know that I needed to shut up and “lawyer up”.

Hi there...

…fellow Christmas celebrators and anyone else who might be reading! Whatever you’re doing today, whether you’re celebrating Christmas or just taking advantage of the time off, I hope you’re able to spend it with your family.

I have two friends here in Georgia who lost family members in the past week. Christmas just isn’t the same when you lose your mother or father the week before. It isn’t EVER the same. Although it wasn’t Christmas when I lost my mother, it was Christmas when she told me that she had been given 6 months to live. She lived for exactly 6 months and died a few days before my birthday.

I never know what to say when a friend loses a loved one. One of my friends lost their mother and the other lost a father. It’ll be tough for them to have a merry Christmas but knowing one of them, I’m sure she’s finding ways to smile today…she’s a wonderful soul and I can just picture her wherever she is right now telling stories about her mother. And I can imagine the pride with which her mother is looking down as she finds a way to smile this Christmas.

It’s tough to be happy when things really suck. Not everybody can do that but I’m sure that my friend can.

So, if you’re lucky enough to have your family around you, enjoy every bit of it!

I have one son and one sister with me. Pretty soon I’ll have a couple of kids here too. We haven’t opened a single gift yet because it just doesn’t seem like much fun without the little ones around. That must be why God made grandchildren, so that we never have to go too long without short people at Christmastime. As soon as our kids grow up, we get replacements and that is just so cool.

I got the kids a bunch of stuff because that’s what Grandma’s do. But I got them SMART stuff. I bought things that they could enjoy QUIETLY and NEATLY. My son bought them Silly String and drums. I think the best thing that I got them (from MY perspective anyway) is a portable DVD player. With that one gift I accomplished many things. I’m giving them a gift they will love, and it won’t make a mess and it won’t be too loud. I got something that will occupy their little selves when I need to do dishes. And best of all, I just got my TV back. No longer will I have to watch Matilda 3 times in one day. I’m pretty damned pleased with myself.

Every single Christmas my father sends a box of books to my house, one for me and one for each of my kids. This year when the box came I put it under the tree and went on my merry way. Then he called yesterday and asked me what I had gotten the kids from him. I didn’t know what the heck he was talking about. He said that there was a gift card in the box for some place called Gymboree. I told him that it was one of the only gifts that I would have to open on Christmas day so I hadn’t planned on opening it until then. I thought I had finished shopping.

I opened the box (the books are just tossed in a box, he never wraps them…unless you count US Postal Service stickers wrapping) and saw the books. No surprises today! I found the card and then I had to find a Gymboree. Do you have any idea how expensive that store is? It was ridiculous. Even if it isn’t my money, I hate spending so much for things that I know I can get cheaper ANYWHERE else.

I’m cooking dinner and I still have to get dressed so I should go act like it’s Christmas and finish taking care of everything.

See ya and have a great day!

Meg

The 3 cartoons below this...

...were shown in the Chicago area when I was a kid. I saw them last night on WGN's annual presentation of Bozo, Gar and Ray. I watched all of those shows everyday as I was growing up and watching those cartoons brings back a ton of memories. They're black and white of course because I'm older than dirt.

Meg

Merry Christmas to you and yours!!!!




By the bells of Saint Clemens
The angels will sing
By the light of the heaven
For the new born king

So with good tidings
I bring you this token
Of my love to you and your kin
So may this day bring you
The gift of Goodwill and cheer
As you celebrate this season
Remember that I am fondly
Thinking of you
Seasons greetings
Is my gift for you

I'm such a nit wit...

...the other night when cheek kiss dude (who is now tongue dude) called me, he was trying to play games on the phone but I didn't know it was him and I hung up on him. Somehow we got it together and we went out and had a great time. Then, last night he called me again and I didn't recognize his number so I didn't answer. He usually calls from home and the caller ID says his name.

Last night when he called, I looked at the number, never thinking it was his. It did look familiar though so I was afraid it was some dude that I had gone out with a while back. I didn't want to see that one again so I just didn't answer. On top of all that, when I went to check the caller ID to see if it was the same number that had called before, I couldn't find the number at all.

Then, for a second, I thought...what if it was tongue dude? So, I called the number back only to think, "NO! It might be some OTHER freak that I didn't want to talk to!" so I hung up the phone ASAP.

So the normal guy did the normal thing, he called me back. But by then I was afraid that it was freaky dude so I didn't answer. Then this morning I checked to see what that number was on the caller ID and it was gone again!

Then, this morning I got another email from him saying that it was him again last night and now I look like a total jack ass. He's wondering what kind of an idiot I am and I'm trying to figure out how to NOT look like a moron now.

I have to go shopping now.

I'll be back after I stop feeling like a complete ASS!

Meg

Hi!

...check out this quote from the National Ledger web site:

"...“(Angelina) knows how important it is for Brad to make peace with Jennifer, so she continues to tell him she’ll do it — but it will never happen. Talking to Jen is the last thing Angie wants to do,” the celebs’ pal told Star. “Brad is starting to realize that Angelina has no intention of calling Jen — that she never did. It was all a big lie.”
The source goes on to claim that this, and other fibs from Angie, are wearing away at the couple’s happy home. “One of the biggest problems in Brad and Angie’s relationship is how deceptive she is.”..."

And then, I found this one about the lip chick's reaction to Anniston's gift to one of their litter:

"...She reportedly bought books, games along with a nice congratulatory card an insider tells the magazine. But that didn't go over well with Angelina the source spills. She tossed the card. "Angie didn't approve of it at all," the insider revealed to Life & Style. Brad apparently didn't take that too well, especially since Angelina's ex Billy Bob Thornton recently revealed that he speaks with Jolie on a near daily basis..."

And then MSNBC reported:

"..The source goes on to claim that this, and other fibs from Angie, are wearing away at the couple’s happy home. “One of the biggest problems in Brad and Angie’s relationship is how deceptive she is.”..."

Well, what do you know...Angelina is NOT the honest, respectful lady that she's been made out to be! We've all been duped! The next thing they'll have us believe is that she's been laid by more men and women than Hugh Hefner, Pamela Sue Anderson and Britney Spears combined.

I am so envious of Jennifer. When karma smacks her ex upside the head it will be on a world stage. Very few of us are lucky enough to even hear about such things and Jen gets to watch the paparazzi get it all on video. What a lucky female she is.

And classy. And smart. Sending the gifts was a stroke of genius and the brother sucking nympho walked right into a big pile of shit when she wasn't bright enough to accept the gifts graciously. What a dimwitted dolt.

And Brad..poor Brad. His manhood is going to take quite a beating and we'll all get to watch it happen. Ouch.

Brad gets to watch both women and see how they behave over the years. Lip chick won't become a decent human being overnight unless a Leprechaun grants her a wish and she's bright enough to wish for a bit of class. Jennifer get to sit back and relax. She could do NOTHING at all and look better than lip chick. But the few understated things that she does are blindingly classy by comparison to behavior of the blatantly dishonest nit wit with whom Brad is currently stuck.

None of this should be the least bit surprising. Leopards don't change their spots and Jolie was a known Hollywood hot potato when he found her. Brad should have known better. And he shouldn't have let some bimbo manipulate him into cheating on a perfectly good wife that most men would eat dirt for. So, I'm not surprised that there's trouble in paradise, but I never dared hope that Brad would get burned so badly by this particular hot potato.

I had to rerun this...

...for a couple of reasons. One of them is the comment that I received that is at the bottom of this:

Oh...the blowjob. That thing that any woman can do to get a guy to hold still when all else fails. Oddly enough...it isn't considered sex anymore.

Do you suppose Clinton would still feel the same if he had caught someone sucking on Hillary's dick? I doubt it.

When I was a teenager...they made a movie about blowjobs. Well, actually I guess it was more about a lady who liked to give them. I won't go into the details as not to ruin it for those who haven't yet seen the movie Deep Throat. Linda Lovelace was a blowjob superhero of sorts back then.

She taught us all HOW to Deep Throat...but never made it OK to actually DO the Deep Throat without looking bad. How do you tell a man that he has to get down on his knees as you are lieing on your back with your head hanging off the bed without having him wonder how in the hell you knew how to do that? Most of us must keep our skills a bit of a secret for a while just so that men don't start wondering how we got so good at it. So...without letting on exactly what we are capable of...we just do the regular, everyday blowjob where you just go down when the guy happens to be in a good position for reception. Even just doing that, you run the risk of hearing this...."Damn girl, you suck a mean dick." Sort of a reference of which, I have many.

A very long time ago I learned how wise it is for a woman to learn how to perform the ancient art of cock sucking. There are many, many different types of blowjobs. There is the "I just want you to get hard and climb on top of me." blowjob that doesn't last any longer than it has to...just long enough to get the dude ready for HIS work...not really anything you'd put too much time and effort into. It is rather utilitarian...it works well and is pretty damn efficient...but not too much fun. Of course...it IS a blowjob and it will get the job done.

Then, we have the everyday, "OK...so we're having really good sex tonight." blowjob. You have to put a bit of effort into that blowjob. It just occurred to me that my word processor recognizes that word, LOLOL...slut that it is. You don't have to be too good to perform this particular blowjob...you just sort of do whatever you think you should be doing when you hear the word "Blowjob." Of course, you have to suck....blow is just an expression.

Then, there is the..."OK...so you bought me a nice piece of jewelry." blowjob. This takes time and knowledge of what a man enjoys. Yes...I do know that. I don't know what in the hell you call all of those parts of the mighty penis and his buddies, but I do have a pretty good working knowledge of what parts you do what to and how quickly or slowly, that you should be doing it if you want to make his toes wiggle. That one lasts a bit longer than the previous blowjob...and you have to put your neck in harm's way to do it properly.

OK....one of the most annoying, yet Must Know's of the dick sucking repertoire....the "OK...I'm here for the duration." blowjob. Now...with this blowjob, a woman has to know a few things to avoid gagging. She must know how to recognize that toe wiggling and be ready to throw that bad boy way back into the deepest recesses of her mouth at just the right time. And...she should not be surprised by the salty, caviar-like nature of...the fruits of her labor.

Lastly and most importantly of all...is the Linda Lovelace "I really, really enjoy this crap" blowjob. I can't go into things like that here...I must pretend not to know of such things for right now. My next husband might be reading this and then what would I do when he starts asking what I was talking about here? If I'm not careful, I could find myself doing this every single night of my life.

No woman enjoys that enough to do it every single night. But...we must all be willing to do it if we have to. You just never know when some guy will come along that's worth the time and effort. Little else can get a dude coming back daily with flowers than a really good blowjob.

A few other things that you should know about blowjobs...always put your lips over your teeth as not to cause harm. No one wants a guy jumping around too much when he's all the way...well, you get the picture. Also...you should learn to handle this without gagging. There's a little thing that you can do with your throat to further that cause and it cannot be taught....that shit is just innate in some women.

Well, that's about the best I can do with a blowjob short of actually performing one and there are just too many of you out there for that so this will have to do.

OK then....this has been a public service announcement from the American Blowjob Company.

OK then, here's the comment:

Awesome! Applause!Great to know there is a woman out there with enough self confidence to pen such prose. You forgot to say that an exhale before the gag reflex keeps the gag at bay, and also a good dose of cloreseptic spray to numb that dude up.As a man who always dreamed of a deep throat to the base bj I have studied this to give instruction to the right woman when the time is right. Exwife learned a bit and that was nice but its the heart that matters too and well is she wasnt the ex there would have been heart in there. But alas no. So any how it is interesting that you are local. Would you care to partake in intellectual conversation about this and other riske' methodologies in the future?

LOLOL...yeah, we'll do lunch. Have your people call my people.

:)

When my son was a year old...

...and I married a man other than his father, I let my son call him Daddy. But, that was only because his biological father had checked out, never to be heard from again. My other kids called the man Daddy and he certainly was acting the part. So I didn't mind.

But, every so often, starting from before my son could understand the words that I was saying, I would tell him, "Daddy Mark isn't your first daddy. You have another man who was your daddy before Daddy Mark. But Daddy Mark wants to be your daddy so I'm letting you call him Daddy." I repeated that at least once a month and one day the kid just understood what that meant. It wasn't a shock, he had grown up hearing those words over and over again. I never had to sit him down and rock his world by telling him about Daddy Number 1...he always knew about that guy.

Luckily, he didn't suffer too much. At least not when it came to having a father. He had one. You can't tell Mark or William that they aren't father and son and I would certainly never try. I could have had William call Rick Daddy but it wouldn't have been right and I never did that. If you care about your children, you don't change Mommys and Daddys like Hollywood changes spouses.

Unless a parent has died or abdicated their parental responsibilities completely, they are either Mommy or Daddy. Period. NO responsible adult who cares for the mental health of a child more than they care about their own ego would allow a child to call them Mommy or Daddy unless it was appropriate.

Speaking of ego, Tom Cruise has decided to encourage Nicole Kidman's children to call the empty headed dolt that he married "Mom". This without Nicole's approval. This even though it is a mean and hurtful thing to do. This because the couch jumping cult member is far too egotistical to put his children's emotional health ahead of his own obsessional need to be an asshole.

And the little Stepford Wife that he married is too immature to see what a hideous thing she's doing. Not that she cares about Nicole's feelings, but how will the foolish little brat feel when Tom tells his NEXT wife to call Katie's child Mommy? Perhaps Tom's next wife will be as pliable as Katie AND do his bidding without thought like Katie.

Is no one in this entire situation thoughtful enough to consider the kids here? How will they feel when they eventually realize the pain that they themselves caused their REAL mother? Who in that self absorbed household will teach those kids the coping mechanisms to handle their own guilt in a non-destructive manner? It's parenting like this that gave us the current crop of Hollywood trash that keeps our jaws dropped and heads shaking back and forth. I can't wait to see what a great job Tom and Katie do messing up the psyche of Sura, Suru, Suree, or whatever the kid's name is.

If Katie were 18, I might not be so disgusted by her behavior. But the nit wit is 29 years old. That's old enough to know that allowing those kids to call her "Mom" is a bad thing. This fool not only doesn't grasp that, she actually thinks it's worthy of bragging:

"His children are incredible, really smart and kind. They call me 'Mom'."

Kind people don't go out of their way to hurt other people. Tom and Katie have conspired to hurt Nicole and in doing so, they are making those kids pay the price. This is a case of turning the kids into weapons with which they attack the other parent. They have even gone so far as to teach the children to call Nicole by her first name. They may deny it but kids don't suddenly start calling their parents by the first name without a reason. If they did, both parents should take that as an opportunity to teach the children about respect and consideration.

Tom and Katie have chosen to live in their own little fantasy world and on their planet there is nobody else. They do what they want to do when they want to do it and the consequences, not to mention karma, be damned. There's nothing smart nor kind about that.

Hi there!

I made this because thought that it would be quicker than writing but I turned out to be wrong. It took 3 tries to get it not to have that loud grinding noise.

Anyway, here it is:

Now I'm going to bed...I'm exhausted.

Meg

This is cute...

...it's a test of of how much Yankee or Rebel you are:

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/yankee_dixie_quiz.html

Apparently I am the difinitive yankee with 40%...whatever that means.

Meg

The following was written by Ben Stein and recited by him on CBS Sunday Morning Commentary.

I am a Jew, and every single one of my ancestors was Jewish. And it does not bother me even a little bit when people call those beautiful lit up, bejeweled trees Christmas trees. I don't feel threatened. I don't feel discriminated against. That's what they are: Christmas trees.

It doesn't bother me a bit when people say, "Merry Christmas" to me. I don't think they are slighting me or getting ready to put me in a ghetto. In fact, I kind of like it. It shows that we are all brothers and sisters celebrating this happy time of year. It doesn't bother me at all that there is a manger scene on display at a key intersection near my beach house in Malibu . If people want a creche, it's just as fine with me as is the Menorah a few hundred yards away.

I don't like getting pushed around for being a Jew, and I don't think Christians like getting pushed around for being Christians. I think people who believe in God are sick and tired of getting pushed around, period. I have no idea where the concept came from that America is an explicitly atheist country. I can't find it in the Constitution, and I don't like it being shoved down my throat.

Or maybe I can put it another way: where did the idea come from that we should worship Nick and Jessica and we aren't allowed to worship God as we understand Him?

I guess that's a sign that I'm getting old, too.

But there are a lot of us who are wondering where Nick and Jessica came from and where the America we knew went to.

In light of the many jokes we send to one another for a laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke; it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson asked her "How could God let something like this Happen?" (regarding Katrina)

Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response.

She said, "I believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He leave us alone?" (She said the same thing when interviewed after 9-11)

In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.

Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school. The Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.

Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.

Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill >strangers, their classmates, and themselves.

Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell.

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they will think of you for sending it.

Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it...no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.

My Best Regards.

Honestly and respectfully,

Ben Stein

Hi there!!!

Last night I went out and before I did, I made a video using a different thingie. This is it, I don't know if it will work.

If it doesn't work I'll take it down. Now I'm just checking it out.

Meg

UPDATE:

It does work and the guy said he didn't mind one bit if I posted this. I didn't post it last night because I felt as though I really should ask the guy if he minded. He didn't. He didn't even ask to watch it before I posted the thing which I found odd. Men...they don't care what they look like! Must be nice.

I'm home...

...and my knee hurts. I guess it's an old lady thing so I won't bother whining too much about it, they could BOTH hurt. At least now I could hop if I had to.

You may remember that my daughter works in Beverly Hills. She pretty much runs the Golden Globes dinner and after parties that they have at her job. Yesterday she told me that they may cancel them this year because of that ridiculous writer's strike.

There was a time when unions were necessary, that was back in the days when sweat shops and child labor existed. Today the need for unions has been replaced by statutes, laws and political correctness. Unions are totally self-serving now and I think that this stupid strike is major proof of that.

Show me one network writer who lives in a plywood shack and eats out of trash cans and I'll take back every word I just wrote but until then, every union official can blow me.

This is the first time that I'm sort of glad that Johnny Carson retired. I would miss him if he wouldn't cross the picket line but the yahoos out there today who do nothing but read off of big giant cue cards aren't worth watching so I don't miss a thing. I only watch reruns of Seinfeld and Dick Van Dyke...OK, maybe The Family Guy too. I haven't missed the writers one bit.

I'd like to know something, who the hell is writing the news? And the stupid soap operas? How is Bill O'Reilly staying on the air? One other thing, where are all the stars who write their own material? How did Letterman and Leno get where they are without the least bit of creativity? What do we need the writers for anyway? Oh, and where is Ronald Reagan when we need him?

The offensive trash that passes for entertainment today is not worth watching in the first place. I guess that shows my age. My kids still pick on me for not allowing them to watch Married With Children when they were young little whippersnappers. I can't imagine what parents are trying to keep from their kids nowadays.

A guy sent this to me:

"I am more at fault in the failure of my marriage than I had realized. I think the thing that fascinates men about your blog is a woman's raw perspective on where things go wrong, without being yet another man-basher/hater/whipper. Your stuff is helping me get into my wife's head more than before, which is a scary place for me to be ."

Ah! That’s the first time that anyone has ever explained to me exactly why it is the men read this thing. No, I’m not a man hater...I absolutely LOVE them...I wish I could have 14...two for each day and...well, you get the message.

I am almost as angry about male-bashing than the men are...maybe more so, I don’t know. But I have been annoyed by the tactics of the women’s movement for years now. It seems as though they watched the civil rights movement, a movement that was absolutely necessary...adopted some of their methods and then twisted them into something very ugly. I think a few different “movements” started trying to promote their own causes and that has led us to a point where the movements have become more fascist then any of the original “dictators” ever were.

Back to Hollywood, I am amazed when I hear women saying things like, “We need to have a voice in Hollywood, there are no good roles for women!” Well, when I look back, I see women like Lauren Bacall, Mae West and Greta Garbo...and countless other talented women who made their marks long before any woman ever whined that there were no roles for women.

Think of a field, any field...and then look back at what women have accomplished in those fields. Madam Curie didn’t have to go to an all male school, she studied and experimented and used her own brain power to make her mark. Any woman on the planet can do the same thing, they just have to have the will to do it with. If they don’t like the status quo, they can change it. But it’s ever so much easier to bitch and moan until someone says, “OK, here you go, take this money”.

Jesse Jackson and his ilk are just as bad. If a certain company or entity of ANY kind is in their sites, they negotiate for CASH! Or for something else that does no good for anyone but the organization that uses the strong arm tactics.

And I wanted to puke when the women were allowed into what were once all boy-schools. They COULD have just made schools of their own but they didn’t want to go through the effort. So, now, a young man who wants to study in a structured, all male environment has lost that right. The women always had the right to create their OWN institutions, but they were too lazy for that. Then, I heard about a school in New York that is all female because they did a study and learned that, “For some girls, an all-female environment is conducive to increased test scores.”

DUH! They want the right to send their daughters to an all-girl school but call it sexist if the boys want the same thing. What a bunch of losers. These women are such jack-asses, they forget that one day, they may have a son who might want to attend an all boy school and now they've made it impossible for them to do so!

I have brothers, sons, a father and many men friends who are wonderful human beings that have so much to offer to the world. I would be a reckless hypocrite should I get up here or anywhere and speak ill of men while there are so many that I love.

I saw an interview once (it was so long ago that I don’t remember exactly who was involved) and some higher up at NOW was asked how she could support the Kennedy's while they were doing such hideous things to women. (This was about the time that one Kennedy was screwing his babysitter and another was attempting to bastardize his children by getting an annulment from his wife to marry a women who screws married men.) Her answer to that question stunned me. She actually said, (and this is a paraphrase) “We don’t care about their morals or ethics, we just like where they stand on the issues.”

Can you imagine? She didn’t care about MORALS or ETHICS when choosing the people who would lead us all. I imagine these women would elect Hitler himself as long as he supported abortion.

Any woman who “hates” men or tries to usurp things that the men have created themselves is being very shortsighted. When they to attempt to bully their way into men’s institutions or any other male oriented type of thing, they are throwing up their arms and saying, “We are too weak and dim-witted to create one of our own so we want YOURS!”

When they do that, they do a disservice to us all. They strong-arm their way into an organization and then whine that the standards are too high and therefore sexist. The standards are then lowered and everybody loses.

So, I don’t hate men at all. I don’t even dislike them a little tiny bit. As with any other group of people, I take them one by one and base my opinion on the behavior of the one that I am dealing with. I married a jerk. He's a jerk...not because he’s a man, but because he is simply, a jerk. I am not about to dismiss or slight 49% of the population based upon the actions of one of them. That would be ignorant and bigoted and I am neither.

Oh, and to the women who DO hate men...keep your vitriol to yourself...you don’t speak for me because I don’t agree with ANY of your tenets.

Men are wonderful people, they care for us, they support us and they even really, really like us. Whatever affront you may have felt is a personal problem. Don’t even attempt to speak for me...I can do it myself. And if I want something, I’ll go out and work for it, just like the men did. If you are too inferior to create your own schools and golf courses, try a few push-ups. In the meantime, leave the men alone and stop acting like victims.

OK, that was my soap box speech for the day....I have to go get dressed and feed my dog.

See ya!

I read about...

...the death of one of the last 3 known surviving veterans of WWI and had to post that story for you guys. We've lost one of America's oldest livings heroes and that should not go unnoticed:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317766,00.html

Meg

A couple of years ago...

...I played a little trick on Rick and he fell for it big time. I have some things to take care of today so I'm going to rerun the post. When I get back I'll BE back!


OK, my surprise is ready...

...earlier than I expected, but it’s still a good one. Remember when I told you that Rick had a profile at that fish dating site? When I found it, I created a profile of a woman that I knew he would like. Well, I was right. Within 24 hours, he sent an email to Sarah, the fake chick that I made up.

It’s nice to know that he didn’t leave me right when he learned the value of honesty. He’s still lying to women and I’m just glad it’s not me this time. He told Sarah that he had been divorced for a year...I wonder if that means that I too am divorced! He told Sarah that his “ex took everything”. Well, I didn’t TAKE anything, he left it all when he left me. Then he implied that I cheated on him. Notice that he didn’t have any specific accusations, he just implied it. He said that I stayed out at night...and the only time I did that was when I was doing stand up and I BEGGED him to come watch me. I didn’t know that those evenings were his time to call his girlfriends.

So, he lied to Sarah big time but that’s OK, because Sarah lied like a rug herself. You’d think that he would start to get the message after a while, but he doesn’t. My e-affair with Rick is over...but here is the correspondence from our short-lived relationship, in the order that they took place, starting with his first email to Sarah:

Hi, I really like your profile. I just moved her in june from back east to take care of my mother. I'm just getting settled in and looking for a friend to start and go from there. If your interested, write back.

Hi! I enjoyed getting your e-mail and look forward to learning more about you. Your profile says that you came here for your family, that's nice. How old are your kids? I am about to leave for a short vacation, but I will still be able to e-mail you. Maybe we will get to know each other really good before I get back. So, where did you move here from?
Sarah

Hi Sarah, It was nice of you to respond. My Is Rick,my mother has COPD, it's a breathing disease.I don't know about good son it's just thr right thing for me and her. I was born in Helena and i grew up in the Great Falls area,I have 2 sons 27,23 they live in Virginia. I'm jealous (taking vacation),hope you enjoy yourself. So tell me a little more about self.
Rick

Rick,
Nice to meet you! I am going to Idaho to visit my mother. She isn't doing too well either so I go to visit her once a month so it's not really a vacation per se, but I am actually taking my vacation this time to visit her and I will be there for a week. I'm leaving after work Friday, it's about a 5 hour drive. Virgina huh? I have never been but I've heard nice things about it. So, you are an electronic technician? Do you fix computers? I could use a person who knows about them! I have so many problems with mine. I was widowed 10 years ago and I remarried but it turned out to be a huge mistake and I got out of that one quickly. So, now I am just a single mom again. I moved here to get away from my ex, he is still in Idaho and I am hoping that he doesn't find out that I'm there when I go. Do you have MSN or something that we could chat on? How about a picture of yourself? I'd like to email you again but I hate going through this thing because I get a bunch of IM's when I come on. Would you like to chat with me?
Sarah

Sarah,It's nice to meet you. So how old are your kids? If you would like to email me direct it's ************,I know about those im's i hate them.I would love to chat with you,right now i use my dad's computer but i'm over there everyday and he has msn messenger and i also use my computer at work. My next purchase is going to be a computer,my ex got everything so i came up here with just some clothes but that's okay because i can always buy material things,just having piece of mind and being with my family is worth it. As soon as i can find a picture i will send you one.Well guess i better start working,talk to later.
Rick

Dear Sarah,Yes you can download any of them,I haven't used any of them so i don't know which one is the best,I know my stepmother has msn messenger. I've been divorced for one year and i figured it's time to meet someone to enjoy different things with. How long have you been divorced? Girls, I hear there pretty tough to raise, I kinda wished i had a girl but my boys were no picnic. It is a beautiful day isn't it, I went home for lunch and didn't want to come back.I came up from Atlanta,Ga I lived there about 10 years and before that New York and then Virginia, We moved there when i was 12. Well glad i have your email and will talk to you later.
Rick

One year? Oh what fun. What happened if you don't mind me asking? I have been divorced for 3 years, it was pretty bad. Like I said, I was widowed before and I lost all of my widow benefits by marrying a drunk. It didn't work because I don't drink. Well, I do, but maybe two or three tops but that's rare. What do you do for fun? I have pretty much kept up my camping skills. That's so nice, just being up in the mountains. I sit here looking at them all the time wishing I were up there. Well, maybe after I get back from Idaho. You can't dance? I hate dancing. I hope you don't want to ever go dancing.
Sarah

It just seemed that i was the only one trying and kept getting accused of cheating for the last 5 years which i wasn't but isn't that what they all say but i feel it was the other way but i'm not sure but she did stay out very late alot of nights so i just could take it anymore. And no i don't think i will want to go dancing. I do love the outdoors but i haven't kept up on my camping skills so maybe you can help me out there.I just started working out again and i guess i just like the simple things but open for anything.

Dear Rick,Yes, the simple things are all I need. I'd love to take you camping. I work out, too. Where do you work out? I've been on both ends of the trust thing, where I wasn't trusted and where I had a hard time trusting. I don't know which is worse. I know what you mean waiting up all night. My husband would lie to me about where he was and I had a hard time trusting him because of that. Then he didn't trust me, but I think it was mostly his drinking. I'm glad you don't want to go dancing. So you're kids are grown? Will they be visiting you any time soon or will you go see them? I'm sure you must miss them.My brother-in-law is an electronics technician and he works on computers, but he is too far away to help me figure out how to work my webcam. Do you know anything about them? Also, when did you want to try to chat? I'm leaving late Friday night after work or early Saturday morning to go to Mother's, so Thursday night or Saturday night would be good for me. I'll be at Mother's all week until the first of October. Hopefully I'll get home Saturday and have Sunday off before I have to go back to work on Monday.Looking forward to chatting with you, hope to hear from you soon.
Sarah

Dear Sarah,I work out at the glacier gym,my boss knows the owner and it's close to work so i go right after work. Yeah I miss my kids but they have there own live going,you know how that is in your 20's,maybe next year i will go vist them.I would be happy to try to help you with your computer. So if we chat tonight what would be a good time? For me it would be after 7:30. Just let me know.
Rick

Rick,I started writing you an email and when I did, I accidentally hit something and it disappeared! I don't know if it went to you or if it just disappeared. I have been to Glacier Gym, wouldn't it be funny if we knew each other! I still don't know what you look like. Where do you work? I work at Peak Real Estate, I am going to take a course in Real Estate in about a month. I'm so excited about that. It does make me mad that if I had never married again I would still have my widow benefits. My first husband was in the Air Force. He was a pilot and he was killed in an excercise and I had enough benefits to where I would never have to work again. Oh well, we live and learn! I can be here at 7:30, if I'm late, I'll email you. I was going to use my daughter's name but she said that if I did, all of her friends would IM me so I am going to create another one when I get home. Then, I'll email you to let you know the name and I will make sure that you know I am gonna be there. OK, I have to get back to work, look forward to chatting tonight!
Sarah

Well I'm 6'2" about 210 pounds have brown eyes,brown hair except on top where there's a bald spot as soon as i can find a picture i will email it to you. I work at ********* the only repair shop in town,when i moved here i just called them up and ask them if they were looking for experienced tech so that's how got the job, next month i will be starting a second job at ****************.I'm sorry to her about your husband i have alot of respect for pilots,I was in the Marine Corps and my brother-in-law is a 1st Lt in the Army,but sorry to her about your ex, we all make mistakes it's how we deal with them that matters. Well it sure is nice emailing you and looking forward to chatting with you, have a great day.
Rick

OK, there it is...and no, I don’t feel the least bit badly for doing it. He has screwed me every chance he’s had and I like getting a bit of my own back every once in a while.

See ya,

Meg