I'm back and I'm exhausted and apparently, I'm NOT going to be a millionaire. I, along with 92 others, failed the stupid test. I was expecting questions like this one:
On your table you might find salt and _______ ?
But, instead, I got this:
Who on Bush's team dropped out of college to work for the Young Republicans Committee?
Oh well, they're coming to Tampa, I'll try again now that I know they aren't easy ass questions. I had no doubt that I would pass the test...have you seen some of those morons? Well, I'm dumber than they are and I didn't have a clue.
I read the first hard ass question and thought, "Well, I'll come back to that one." Then, I read the second question and thought the same thing. When I read the third question, I said "SHIT! I'm in trouble here!" Out of 100 people, only 7 passed the test and they were all weird looking old men with very long beards. Hell, I even cheated...but I was copying from another person just as stupid as I was. Oh well, I did get a Who Wants to be a Millionaire pencil and a refridgerator magnet for my trouble. But...I left the pencil in my hotel room.
My hotel room was another surprise...I was surprised it didn't crumble down around my ears while I was sleeping. In the morning after I showered, I went downstairs and asked the guy when the bus ran. He said, in a thick accent, "Every hour on the hour." It was 3 minutes after 9 so I went back to the room but when I got there, I did the math and decided that I should probably take a cab. So, I went back down to ask the clerk to turn the phone back on so that I could call a cab. When I did, he said, "Oh, if that's all, I call you cab." So, I let him.
He said that the cab would be there in "Five...maybe ten minutes." Twenty minutes later I went back in and he said, "I saw you were still there so I call them myself, they'll be here in three or four minutes."
Ten minutes later I noticed the motel shuttle. THAT was the bus he was talking about, I was asking about the real bus, not the motel shuttle, which, by the way, they should have told me about when I asked for a wake up call. Anyway, I was getting good and annoyed at this point. The accented guy called the cab again and now I'm beginning to realize that he was calling cousin Ishbob (or something like that). He called and acted like he was making a real phone call. Then he said, "One minute".
I said, "Call another company." He said, "Oh no, he be here." I said, "I don't believe them, call another cab and stop dicking me around!" I added that for the benefit of the freaks hanging out in the lobby who might have thought that I was a good target for pocket picking.
"But ma'am, he be here in one minute!" I repeated myself..."I DON'T BELIEVE HIM!" Three minutes later, a stretch limo pulled up and it occurred to me that I was gonna get hammered for that ride to the airport. I had to get there so I plunked my ass down in the back of the limo and thought about it...I didn't TOUCH a thing in there, I didn't turn the TV on or take a bottle of water from the bar...I didn't want to hear, "I charge you limo price, you use limo TV."
After a ten minute drive, we arrived at the airport. I had two twenties in my hand and if that clown said anything more than forty bucks, he was gonna get stiffed. Since the "cab driver" was 15 feet away from me, I had to get out of my ostentatious little ride and walk up to the passenger window and ask how much it was. He asked me, "Didn't he tell you?"
I said "No, he didn't tell me." So now I knew for sure that this guy was, indeed, cousin Ishbob. I think that he was about to say "Fifty dollars." but the look in my face made him rethink that idea. He said, "Twenty dollars." so I ripped one of the twenties out and tossed it in the limo with no tip and then I took off for the curbside check in where the stupidest man on the planet was checking people in. He took twenty minutes to check in the lady in front of me and then he checked me in. I had my seat assignment and I was just happy that I didn't get bumped. About then it occurred to me that it should be mandatory for everyone at the airport to get a Xanax one hour before they leave their house. I'm sure it would cut down on violent crime.
They tried to bump me on the way there but as I was standing at the gate counter, the computer opened up a seat and I got it...lucky for me...LOLOLOL.
My son said that if one thing went wrong, my plans were totally screwed. He was so right. But, unfortunately, every damn thing went just fine. I got there on time, I found the studio and I even found a hotel, such as it was...and there was even a room unoccupied by hookers so I got it.
There wasn't a remote control, the bedside table had dried coffee stains on it and the room smelled like stale cigarettes...but on the bright side...it only cost $130 for the night. Last weekend I checked myself into the Marriott for $99 a night.
Anyway, I boarded my flight and sat in between a fat man and a little girl. I tried to sleep but it wasn't going to happen so I just listened to XM radio all the way home. That was the high point of my trip...listening to the 70's station.
I got home in time to take a short nap and then got up and went to work and then I came home and here I am!
Also, I've decided to start dating again. I lost one dude last week and he was the only thing keeping me from dating so I'm ready to start again. And...I'm ready to tell you guys all about my escapades. And by God...I'm gonna have ESCAPADES!
Well, not right now...right now I'm exhausted. But soon!
See why I need to win this dumb thing?http://www.playballoonacy.com/show/81682315a650ad611eec1c2b8fd02730