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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

Dear Meg,

"You have got to stop talking about your great BJ abilities. That is my Wifes only shortcomings and every time you get started on that I get this involuntary boner, guess we really are all pigs"

Well, not necessarily. You said the stiffie was involuntary so I can't see how it reflects on your character. As a matter of fact, I think you're a man of honor. You mentioned your wife straight up. I wish my husband would have done that.

Any man can get a boner, it's what they do with it that makes them pigs or not pigs. Pigs run around with their prick all hard looking for a hole like Colleen Lombardi to stick it in. Men restrain themselves and when they get the chance, they do it properly.

I know that when I get the chance, I like to do things properly and sucking a dick is one of those things that's pretty much all me. Even the nuttiest woman on Earth can't blame a man for a bad blow job. So, sucking dick is pretty much like a solo performance therefore you should be ready for any possible quandary that you might encounter. And, there are potentially some dire possibilities.

You have the guys like Rick who act like every time is the first time. I was with him for so long that I just started thinking that it was normal for a guy to come in 5 minutes each and every time. I had forgotten that there were men who could do that for a while. Thank the Lord that Rick was in the minority of those men.

And then you have the guys with a lot of that pre-cum stuff. I hate that. A little goes a long, long way...I hate the ones that seem to be running like a leaky faucet all the time. But, I can adjust. I just jiggle something and it stops quickly.

I'm sorry if I've hardened anybody but to me, this is just funny stuff. I bet most women would agree with me. This doesn't affect me at all sexually, I can discuss it like I discuss anything else. Now, when I'm actually DOING the blow job, I'm really into it and turned on. But, writing about it does nothing for me.

I used to get emails like that one whenever I complained that I was "so cold that my nipples are hard. They feel like they're about to poke through my shirt." I just meant that I was cold, men took it sexually. So, I guess I should have known that the blow job stuff would do it too. I'm sorry.

I just forget that men take everything sexually. I could be sitting in a puddle of mud, splashing around, and someone would consider it sexy. So, it doesn't matter what we do...men are going to think like that anyway. So, I'll just do what I want to do and hope for the best.

At least I haven't posted my ass in a while! That was probably not a good idea but it was a spur of the moment thing. Now it's been so long since I've been there that I don't even know where it is anymore. I just know that somewhere on this blog, there is a picture of my bum and I can't find it.

Oh well, I'll come across my ass sooner or later.

Why is Ernesto coming at us and why is John is going to Acapulco? Shouldn't Ernest come here and Juan go to Mexico? What's up with that? Oh well.

Now I'm going to watch the Falcons game on TV...my son is there 9 rows behind the visiting team at about the 45 yard line. He might be easy to see so I'm going to look for him. I'll be back later!

Meg

2 Comments:

Blogger Karin's Korner said...

Meg - I just gotta tell you, I googled Colleen Lombardi and your blog comes up, good job. Now if we can just google hosebag momma and her name would come up, we would have something really good.

September 01, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, I bet we can do that if we think about it long enough...all I have to do is mention hosebag momma and Colleen Lombardi in the same post. I'll do that next...

Nothing is impossible if we believe!

Meg

September 01, 2006  

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Good morning!

I guess it's been about a month since I mentioned this last...but that crazy nose hair has grown across my nostril again. It's tickling the other side of the nostril and driving me insane. This has only been going on for the last 5 years or so. That one stupid nose hair grows through the other nose hairs and then one day...BOOM...there it is again. And there I am, looking like I'm digging for gold when all I'm doing is trying to pull that fucker out. Time sure seems to fly when measured by that one nose hair.

I don't know where in the heck this thing came from, it's not something that I was born with. It DID show up at about the same time that I started getting those big, brown freckles all over. I guess it's an age thing...like the annoying pieces of flesh that grow off of us like eyes on a potato.

I used to have just one freckle on the backs of each of my hands. They were both in the same place, outer aspect, one inch below my pinkie finger. I used to hold my hands out and say, "Look at my matching freckles!"

At the time, they were the only freckles there so anyone could clearly see what I meant immediately.

Now, they're each one of about 7 so you can't spot them right off. Besides, if you get enough spots on the backs of your hands, eventually two of them will match so it's an asinine thing to point out now. It used to be cute. Now it's just stupid.

Age. It's a bitch. Parts of you give way to gravity and other parts do not. There comes a time in every woman's life when she doesn't want to get on all fours...no matter how good the sex is from that position. The woman's point of view, specifically, is not a view that inspires one to appreciate gravity.

So why can't a dowager's hump defy gravity? They don't even begin to grow until you've had gravitational damage elsewhere on your body. Maybe as you get closer to death, you grow something that they can use to hang your body. They could just hook you up by that annoying piece of fat and hang you in the freezer. I don't know what they do to men but I hope it involves a scrotum.

I think that insurance should pay for gravitational damage done to our bodies. It's an act of God and people can buy insurance against other acts of God, why not this one? If your house falls down, your barn blows away or your car is hit by a tree, you get money to repair or replace the damage. Why doesn't insurance pay for THIS particular act of God? How much could it cost? A nip here...a tuck there. It would even add to the community in many ways. The first way that comes to mind is all of the extra money that strippers could put back into the community. The money they spend on shoes alone would keep a bunch of people employed so more money, more money.

But, since I don't see that happening in my lifetime, I guess that I would suck dick for plastic surgery. So, if you or anyone you know is a plastic surgeon, email me at megbkelso@gmail.com . And, like plastic surgeons themselves...I offer repeat business specials.

By the way...I'm very good at it. I have references. In 1978 Jim Matulas said, "You suck a mean dick!" In 1987, Robert Simmons said, "I'd marry you for the blowjobs alone."

I take pride in my dick-sucking abilities. I know what I'm doing. I cover my teeth with my lips so that nobody gets hurt and I use BOTH hands as well.

LOL...I just realized that I was sucking my lime Popsicles right now.

OK then, on that note...

See ya.

Meg

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would marry you for the sense of humor alone. The blow jobs would just be a cherry on top of a sunday.

August 31, 2006  
Anonymous Mandi said...

Meg,
Here's my latest journal entry. More can be found in MandiLand at http://blog.myspace.com/hottnychick

Here's an unusual thought from me:

I WILL BE FINE



I spent my entire life believing I needed a man to be there. Whether Dad, a friend, lover, whatever. I needed someone to kill the spiders, take out the trash, fix the washer, lift the heavy stuff, mow the lawn. I needed someone to validate my existance. and not because I'm weak, not because i'm insecure. But because i'm trying to discover my purpose. I recently discovered that I don't have to be a doormat to serve a purpose.

I walked in the door to my house last night, and breathed a huge sigh, and started packing the rest of Ryan's things. It was a bittersweet evening. I packed up a 3 year friendship with a marriage engagement tucked in there, and told it "GoodBye". But I opened my house, and my life to a fresh start.

I'll kill the spiders, even if I'm screaming the whole time.
I'll take outthe trash, no matter how much I hate it.
I'll fix the washer, and keep myself occupied for a weekend.
I'll lift the heavy stuff, because I know I can.
I'll mow the lawn, because sunshine is good for the soul.

Last night was the first night I haven't cried myself to sleep. Last night was the first night I didn't wonder how the bills would be paid. Last night I didn't worry about being evicted. Last night I didn't drink myself into oblivion. Last night I realized I was not angry for my best friend running off with my ex. I feel bad for them.

This morning, I woke up with a smile. Knowing that I will make it.
This morning, I woke up unafraid. Because there's nothing to be afraid of.
This morning, I realized that no matter what kind of day I'm having, I still have to have it. so I may as well do my best to make it a good day.

This morning I realized that LIFE GOES ON, even if I choose not to. Soo, friends, today begins my new life. You coming with me?

August 31, 2006  
Anonymous Buddy said...

Meg:
You have got to stop talking about your great BJ abilities. That is my Wifes only shortcomings and everytime you get started on that I get this involuntary boner, guess we really are all pigs

August 31, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Are you serious? I have to address this. Feel free to comment again when I've finished writing about your problem. (I almost wrote, "your little problem" but I felt that might be inappropriate. Of course...maybe it would be fair, I don't know.) But, I am gonna use your comment in the next post.

:):):)

August 31, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why would you need two full hands for Ricks' crooked dick? It seems to me the pinkie of either hand should have held the whole mess, nuts included.
Meg, maybe your hands are really, really small?!
TW

May 14, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

First of all...yes, my hands are small. Secondly, I wasn't discussing his crooked little dick, just dicks in general. He had a small dick on a rather large body. It reminds me of the scene in Beetle juice where Michael Keaton had a tiny head.

May 14, 2012  

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

An email from one of my ad dudes...

"...and if I were there your stove would be fixacated...Enjoy these... Favorite Quotes of the Day on Humor "I was under that very desk 35 years ago, and I could tell you there's barely room for a 3-year-old."- - A comment made by John F. Kennedy, Jr. during the Clinton Impeachment Proceedings
In order to share intimate feelings, you have to have intimate feelings - - Dean Martin..."

I like him already. I had written to him about the stove situation and how I have a couple of medical issues to address this week and he responded with a very sweet e-mail.

Wouldn't it be fun to live with a man who you enjoyed talking to and who didn't mind fixing stuff around the house? One with a sense of humor as well! And...knowing that sex is not an option will take so much pressure off of the situation from the beginning.

I really think that the crazy ad idea was a good one! Maybe that chick had something when she said that I should do it for other people.

When I was in jail, I wrote a poem for one of my fellow inmates to send her hubby for Valentine's Day or his birthday, I forget. Anyway, she showed it to a bunch of other ladies and then they all wanted me to write things for them. I did.

If a prisoner would pay their few possessions for a poem like that, free peole with jobs might be willing to do it too.

If you want me to, I'll write something for you if you send me an email with a few details about your relationship. You'll be amazed at how well I can understand what you're feeling and put it into words. Email me at megbkelso@gmail.com if you want me to do that for you.

OK, I have to go figure out why I'm leaning to the left and can't seem to stop myself from falling over to the side.

Meg

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Good morning!

My father is finally taking the European vacation that I've been trying to talk him into taking for years. He's going to London and Paris with a few side trips here and there, like one trip to Normandy. He asked me to write a list of things to do in London and Paris. I said, "Sure!"

Then I started to write the list....The Eiffel Tower, The Arc D' Triumph, Notre Dame, lunch at a sidewalk cafe on the Champs Elysses, The Louvre...DUH! Do I really, really need to write this stuff down? You could find a list of things to do under Paris in any encyclopedia article on the city.

When I went, I didn't ask anyone for ideas, I just got to Paris and asked, "Where's the Eiffel Tower?" Some mime pointed and off I was on my way to the Eiffel Tower.

And in Britain, I was one of those annoying Americans who tried to make the guards smile. I actually did my stand up routine for one of them. Then, I danced back and forth in front of them like Lucy Ricardo. The guy was good, he didn't crack so much as one smile. They must train them to think about something boring like Charles and Camilla.

I was reading on a friend's blog that people told her that she should "lay off the husband's mistress" and start talking about the husband. That's bullshit. Of course the husband is mainly to blame. No one said he wasn't.

But, that doesn't take one tiny bit of the culpability off the sluts who sleep with the married men.

There's a huge difference between the cheater and the scum they cheat with...I liken it to the difference between a thief and a liar.

My grandmother used to tell me that a liar was worse than a thief. Her reasoning was that you could put a thief in jail but there wasn't a damn thing you could do to a liar.

Well, the men who cheat do have to face a judge and a divorce decree, along with child support, alimony or some annoying financial obligation. But the bimbos don't have to face any music. They don't care what they've done to the wife, the children, the family or even the husband himself. The money is no object, they just want that marriage over.

If I loved a man, I would hate to be responsible for making him pay out a lot of cash every month for years. But these women are pretty damned selfish and they don't care how much money the man has to pay out unless and until they get married. Then, the money is hers too and now she hates the idea of paying so much as two cents to the wife.

Ain't life a bitch for people who get what they ask for? Instead of fighting about whether or not he'll ever divorce his wife, now the foolish wopigs end up fighting over the money that they have to send her. Rick has to send me $800 a month and he has to keep me insured through Cobra, another 3 something a month. So, well over $1,100 a month. That has to hurt all but lottery winners and Angelina Jolie. Can you imagine? "What do you mean you have to send her money every month? When I took you, I wanted all of your money too!"

Anyway, my point is that the men do seem to pay SOME price, the bimbos pretty much don't. So, our public wrath is directed toward them. We pay attorneys to take care of our husbands. Let them work their mojo on the men, we'll deal with the sluts.

Speaking of Colleen Lombardi, women like her are just begging to be publicly outed as the bitches that they are. Her all out war on Jeff's wife was despicable. She walked all over the husband AND the wife as though she had total immunity to steal a woman's husband and then manipulate THE WIFE like she manipulated the weak ass pathetic excuse for a husband. She destroyed an entire family and then proceeded to rub salt in the wounds of the wife for no reason other than the fact that she is miserable and she wants to spread her misery.

Colleen Lombardi thought that Kelly should just sit back, shut up and hand over her husband without ever saying a word. Apparently, Kelly was just supposed to take all the shit that Colleen Lombardi dished out annd keep her mouth shut about it. What a joke.

By the way, if these wives were simply told the truth in the first place...they wouldn't ever get so crazy. So, try to be honest. It will serve you well.

Meg

3 Comments:

Anonymous Di said...

Bra-fuckin'-oh!!!!!

I hope you're feeling better. Medical procedures bite, do they not? :) Take care of yourself, keep writing. You're my daily read :) Thanks!

August 30, 2006  
Anonymous Kelly Kelso ;) said...

dammit you're good! I oughta fire my lawyer and hire you!

August 30, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

You know, I would love to cross examine some of these wopigs, that's for sure!

OK, I'm gonna go write something and post it when I'm done. I'll be back shortly.


Meg

August 31, 2006  

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Well...

...I slept most of the day and then I watched some old Blondie reruns that I taped years ago when TV-Land had all the Blondie's on over a weekend. That was a funny series of movies. Anyway, now I'm wide awake and it's after 1 AM. I know the time is never right on the posts, it never has been. I tried to fix it a couple of times but it went back to being wrong so I gave up. The time on my computer is wrong as well. I could understand hours, but it's minutes wrong. I don't know how that happens.

I've resorted to eating my Pez candy without the dispenser. Minnie's head was too fucked up to work properly. I kept biting the candy in half and then I'd half to pinch the other half out with my fingers and that's just not right. Anyway, this way I can eat 4 at a time so it's all good.

Wait, I hear Dog the Bounty Hunter on in the living room and if I keep listening to him I'll barf so I have to go turn his leopard pants self off. BRB.

OK...I'm back. Sorry about that, but he and his wife drive me nuts. How did he, his wife and her boobs get so famous? He gets locked up in Mexico on a case and all of a sudden he's some tough hombre mother fucker and we're supposed to all be either impressed with, or afraid of, the fool and his flunkies? I must have missed something. Usually we just laugh at people like him on some night time talk show blooper type thing. Is Hollywood running out of airhead teenaged tramps to follow around? Surely Oprah must know someone else besides Dr. Phil and Gayle. I can't believe this was the best idea that someone could come up with.

And where do those people get their clothes? They look like they've just been shopping at some redneck consignment shop. I think Rick's first wife used to own one of the shirts the wife was wearing last week.

Is it me or does that man still have the remnants of a mullet? I think there's a mullet on his head somewhere that he just can't let go of. That would explain his wife's hair, too. They just have some 80's redneck thing happening and for some odd reason, someone decided to put these 2 overblown egos on television.

One thing that intrigues me though...something about the wife. Why doesn't she fall over? Those gigantic sax-o-saline would slam a normal woman face first into the pavement. I guess it has something to do with her fat ass and her resulting funky center of gravity.

Well, other than the BS at the hospital this morning, my day wasn't so bad. I was very sweetly waited on before daisy dude had to go back to work. But, he came back to check on me on his way home from work too. And, he brought me one of my favorite meals...a Philly Connection Cheese Steak and a box of lime Popsicles.

What he did next, he made me promise that I wouldn't tell my son...but he didn't say not to mention it on the internet so I'll tell you. He helped me wash my hair and then he set it for me. I showed him how to roll a couple of the curlers and then he did the rest of them. I believe that he's the first man who's ever curled my hair. Well, except for Michelle, a Lebanese moron who fried my hair with a hideous poodle perm in 1982. I mean just normal men. This is the first guy who curled my hair without being paid cash...how's that?

I thought it was sweet. Anyway, now it's time to act like it's the middle of the night and go lie down. See ya in the morning!

Meg

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I was right about Colleen Lombardi...

...which isn't saying too much...she's just one of those dime a dozen whores who are devious, manipulative and unnecessarily cruel simply for the sake of being a bitch.

Of course, this is all just my opinion, but I have been around long enough to know what I'm talking about. I've seen plenty of men who appear to be relatively intelligent but when certain women are around these guys, they turn into Forrest Gump.

Think about it, if Jeff had wanted his wife to know he was fucking around with the office tramp, he would have told her himself. Instead, he went to great lengths to hide the affair from her and he most likely thought that Colleen was doing her best to help him. Uh uh.

There are some mistresses who would keep the affair a secret but the great majority of them would prefer that the wife was aware of her presence. Any mistress who denies this is...guess what?...a liar. After a miserable evening alone, they go to bed knowing that the husband and wife are in bed together and the wife is blissfully ignorant to her husband's sexploits. The mistress can't get that thought out of her mind and she MUST find a way to make the wife as miserable as she is. And...she has to do it while looking good to the woman's husband at all times.

Then you have the mistresses like Colleen Lombardi who don't even care what it costs THEM personally! They're sort of on some Jihad/kami-kazi mission and they will put their own lives, jobs and reputations on the line for the sake of revenge and some misplaced sense of possessiveness. Their need to control is overwhelming and when there is something that they can't control or someone whom they can't manipulate, they absolutely go insane.

So, they leave things like this lying around the office at work so that the office gossips get hold of it and tell the wife:

"...See, in my particular case, (back in March) the Wotramp encouraged my husband to file for divorce. There was an email that was picked up by another co-worker in that office - written by the Wopig to my husband that read, 'Continue the course, you are doing the right thing'. Now what kind of sick Wotramp would print out this email and leave it in the printer for all in the office to casually pick up and read?..."

This is the same woman who left the messages about having the husband's baby so that the wife would find it. How's that for being devious? The husband thought it was a sign of her "love" when all it ever was in the first place was a cut meant to hurt his wife. She must have been quite happy with herself at that point. Too bad it's all doomed to explode in her face.

One of the sad, sad, sad realities of an affair is that the cheating spouse suddenly doesn't believe a THING that their betrothed tells them but they believe EVERYTHING that their co-adulterer says. The manipulative co-adulterer, in this case Colleen Lombardi, has seen to that.

When you have one of those, the manipulative skanks that have totally slipped a leash made of sex around your neck, you don't even realize what she is doing behind your backs. I wouldn't mind, cheaters usually deserve it. But the less decent of these cheaters crawl back on their pitiful hands and knees when the Colleen's of the world can no longer hide their hideous urge to inflict pain. They beg for forgiveness and promise never to ever cheat again. Yeah right. They just want you to roll over and let them rub your bellies.

Colleen and her type are so obvious to me...does anyone else know what I mean?

OK, I have to go lie down again. I'm not having any pain yet but I'm tired from all of the anesthesia.

See ya later!


Meg

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think that its wrong to cheat and all cheaters are scum but this one does take the cake. I want to hit her on her head and I don't even know her. I sure as hell wouldn't want her around my husband

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Andrew said...

Sounds like: If she'll do it with you, she'll do it to you.

Andrew
To Love, Honor and Dismay

August 29, 2006  
Blogger shattered said...

Hi Meg,

You have nailed it as far as my husbands mistress is concerned.

Your post makes so much sense.

Hope you feel better as the day goes on.

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Jaded&Opinionated said...

That skank deserves whatever she gets. How stupid does she have to be in order to not understand that if the man is willing to LIE to his WIFE even after vowing before God and a bunch of other people that he'd love her forever and remain faithful to her, he will certainly lie to her too?!?! And he's not a prize either if he'd cheat after he vowed he wouldn't. They deserve each other, quite frankly.

I hope every time she sees her name on a blog, she throws up a little in her mouth. What a skank.

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Hi!

I'm feeling awake, but now it hurts. That's OK, that's why God made morphine.

Yep, it is amazing that these freaks all seem to convince themselves that they're special and if only the world knew "the truth", everyone would see that these two star-crossed lovers deserve to be together, no matter what the price. In their own distorted minds, they twist their torrid little sexcapades into some romantic story where the hero and the heroine are being kept apart by the evil wife. What the fuck ever.

I'm sorry this has to make sense to anyone, much less me. I've seen enough to have figured this all out.


Oh well....la di da...la di da.

Meg

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

To the idiot who tried to comment defending Cowleen...there is NO defense! NONE! You don't fuck a married man and a married man doesn't fuck some whore who fucks married men. The married man leaves the wife FIRST and the bimbo waits for him. The LIES and the DECEPTION are the painful part you dimwitted sleazeball.

April 27, 2008  

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Here are some more...

...responses from my ad:

I would say you win ! The best ad I’ve seen in probably 3 years for a roommate, but in the top 10 in my life.
It reads like a novel, I was hanging on every word. Either you’re highly educated,been reading since 2 or you’re a writer. Who knows, maybe you got this off a book. Either way ,I really enjoyed it. Who knows, maybe I’m not too bright and easely amussed.
Marietta is a big place, I’d prefer the East side of it just because of the drive.
As far as my divorse, she kept the house, everything in it, our 2 children & her car. I got my truck & my tools.
Just recently, I paid my girlfriends mortgage then she kicked me out over an argumentOn the show ‘Girlfriends’.
Anyways, you sound like a caucasian, middleclass woman and they’re usually scarred of me.
This is my usual description to my prospects and they don’t ever respond.
Let me know what you think if you care to reply………..
My name is Ernesto . I work ********* as an Analyst.
Looking for a cozy place to call home for a while. Divorced 2 years and just broke up w/girlfriend.
Drive a truck, like dogs but don’t keep one. Paying off bills so I can buy a home in next year or so.
I do cook and use spices. I was born in Mexico & have lived in this part of the continent for 32 years , I am 36. Have & keep friendships with people from all over to include Africans, African American, Blacks, Indigenous Americans,Afghans, Iranians, Iraqui’s, South Americans,Vietnam, Gambians,Ivory Coast, Cuba the Islands .and even 1 or 2 caucasians/Europeans and a Russian-polish lady.
Also, even though I am Mexican, I am Muslim. I can entertain any conversation.


Here's another:

Hi, I just finished reading your post and I found quite good!!! I am 36, italian, divorced, love to be watched while eating....! I am responsable, laid-back, good sense of humor, athletic, respectful, great with yard work and open to negotiation!!! My name is Max and you can reach me at 770-********
Buena nuote, Max

OK, off to the hospital!

Meg

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Hi there!

I'm getting ready to go to the hospital and I don't have enough time to write something so I thought that I would re-run my date from hell story:

The Date from HELL

During a conversation with one of my two new friends this afternoon, we compared date horror stories. It reminded me of my date from hell. Oddly enough, Rick is nowhere to be found in this story.

About 20 years ago, there was this bartender at a club I used to frequent. He asked me out every single time I went in. After a couple of years of refusing the guy, one evening I decided to go ahead and accept his invitation. After all, I had known him for years and he was a nice guy.

He was to pick me up at 7 pm on a Friday night. By 7:30, he still hadn’t shown up. I was about to give up on our date when he called to tell me his daughter had attempted suicide and that he would be running late. I was stunned, “Stay with your daughter! I’m sure she needs you right now.”“No, she is fine, I will be there soon,” was his reply.

Once again, I found myself waiting a little too long. I walked to the end of the driveway and looked down the street to the intersection. At that exact moment, a van backed out of the bar on the corner. It headed toward my house. This dude had obviously lied to me. I let it go. (I let far too much go, wouldn’t you say?) Anyway, he pulled into my driveway and off we went. He immediately asked me why I had finally agreed to go out with him. I told him that he was a nice guy and I couldn’t refuse someone who had been asking me out for two years.

Then I asked HIM a question, “Why have you been asking me out for so long?”

His answer should have prompted me jump out of the car right then, “I like your boobs.” That’s all. No, “You are a sweet girl”, or “I’ve always had a crush on you.” Just the aforementioned boob comment.

I let THAT go. As we pulled up to the place that he had been wanting to take me, “Sergeant Peppers”, (a British pub that was new to the area), he continued to talk and talk about himself and his talents. He sang, he played the guitar, he was in a band, he knew the guy who was entertaining at Sergeant Peppers that night, he would be performing with him, blah, blah, blah.

I was beginning to wonder if we would ever go inside when he finally headed toward the passenger door. “At least he’s a gentleman”, I thought as he neared my door. BUT...he didn’t open it.

He actually unzipped his pants and PEED in front of my door. I had to hop OVER the puddle as I exited the vehicle.Now, I realize that I had many opportunities to spare myself any more unpleasantness, but I wanted to check out this new place and I was sort of in shock at this unexpected turn of events. I asked him why he peed in the parking lot and he just said, “Oh! This place is so great! It will be so crowded and the lines will be sooo long.”

I brushed off that nonsensical answer and entered the establishment, looking forward to seeing the show he had told me about. A young Irish man was singing ballads and making jokes. I was beginning to have a good time. My un-housebroken date asked me if I would like to try a beer called Killian’s. I had never tried it before so I said, “Sure.”It wasn’t bad at all so when the server came back to offer another round, I was only too happy to order another one. “Oh!”, my date said, “That is rather expensive beer!“

Well, you shouldn’t have offered me any”, I responded and ordered another.

I was sitting there considering the huge mistake I had made in accepting his invitation when things got worse. The Irish guy was obviously wrapping up his show when my date shouted out, “I thought you were gonna let me sing one with you!”


I was mortified. The entire place was making whispering sounds and I wanted to crawl under the table and leave. The poor Irish guy shrugged his shoulders and said, “Sure, come on up.” Now, if my date had any talent, it STILL would have been embarrassing. But not only couldn’t he sing, he didn’t know how to use a microphone. All of that crap he was talking about in the van was just that, crap.

And to top it off, he didn’t know the words to the song he wanted to sing. The Irish dude started singing louder and INTO the microphone so that this mess wouldn’t be a total disaster. I still can’t listen to the song Free Falling without wincing.

Well, finally, we walked out to the van and I could not wait to get home. But my date still had a few surprises in store for me.Before he got into the van, he peed at my door again! This time it was so “nobody could see” him. But a bunch of people did. They saw a man urinating in the parking lot next to a van and my horrified face looking out the window. (At the people, not the pee-er.) When he finally did get in the van, he started talking again. I wouldn’t have minded him talking so much if he would have started the van and headed for my house but he didn’t. He just kept talking. I finally had to get rude and tell him to take me home right then or I would get out of the van and walk home. (Yes, I know I should have done that anyway but it was far from my house.)

At last, we pulled into my driveway where he continued talking. I interrupted him to say I had to use the rest room and that it was IN THE HOUSE. I went inside, locked the doors and waited for him to drive away. I told my sister all about my hideous night and I went to bed.

The next day, as I was telling my sister the details of my date from hell, there was a knock on the door.

I peeked out the window and saw his van. I stood behind the door as my sister opened it a bit without taking the chain off. My sister asked him what he wanted and he responded, “I think I owe your sister an apology.”

“YOU SURE THE HELL DO!”, she said as she slammed the door in his face.

Years later, I ran into that guy. We had a lovely conversation. He had been looking for me ever since that day. He wanted to apologize because he joined AA as a result of that date and he was working on his 8th step (making amends to all you have wronged.) The date was certainly hell for me but it was all worth it knowing there is one less obnoxious drunk in the world.



OK then, that's it for now. I'll be back when the anesthesia wears off!


Meg

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Monday, August 28, 2006

Hi there!!!

How are you guys doing? Fine, I hope. I'm doing well but I have to have a "procedure" done in the morning. It's not going to be fun but it'll be over with quickly and I can handle it. The worst part is that I have to be there by 7:30 AM. Doesn't that blow?

My ride is just going to spend the night and he sort of finessed the promise of a blow job out of me. I don't mind, he bathes on a regular basis. I do like him and he does fit certain specifications of mine. He is my current squeeze. I LOVE to have one of those for myself. The problem is that it's almost 9:30 and he isn't here.

I can't eat anything after midnight so he better hurry up. I could just see myself answering the nurses question:

Nurse: "Have you had anything at all to eat or drink since midnight?"

Me: "Well, I did swallow a big ol' wad-o-cum."

Nurse: "Ah. And what time was that?"

Me: "Well, I glanced at the clock before I went down on him and it was 12:48 AM. I think it was about 15 or 20 minutes later that I actually did the swallowing itself."

Nurse: "Excuse me...Doctor..."

I bet they'd put that on my record. I would if I were them.

Right now I'm eating raspberry Pez. I ate some strawberries and walnuts earlier so I figured I had my healthy stuff to eat. And, I do love Pez. My Pez dispenser has a loose neck, though. I guess I applied too much pressure or something like that but I didn't mean to hurt her. It's Minnie Mouse, by the way. My daughter got me a Yoda at some place near Universal Studios and I'm waiting for her to send it.

You know, as much as I like Pez, I should begin collecting them instead of lighthouses. I've given lighthouses 10 years...that's a pretty good run for a hobby. I think it's time to begin a new obsession and Pez dispensers will be it. I have a few, but I can only find one right now. So, my collection is limited to Minnie with a broken neck. Oh well, she does still put out so that's OK.
Damn, this raspberry Pez is good.

My ride had better hurry or I'll fall asleep. I'm getting tired right now. I'm so bored that I put 5 elastic pony tail things in my pony tail every couple of inches. That was fun.

Well, I'm gonna go lie down and wait for my ride to come...he said it would be late so I'll just fall asleep. I don't think I'll mind waking up for him tonight.

:):):)

2 Comments:

Blogger mylifeatfullspeed said...

Good luck tomorrow. Um. And tonight :) LOL

I hope he cums soon so you can get to sleep.

:D

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Thanks girl!

And...mission accomplished!

Meg

August 29, 2006  

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I'll explain to you guys this later...

...My dog just farted. Jeez, I hate that. I thought that all the nasty farting left with Rick. Oh well, at least I KNOW the dog doesn’t have enough sense to go into the restroom for such things.

There has always been a farting man in my life. When I was a little girl, my grandfather, a very successful businessman, would read the paper in his recliner at night and literally lift his leg and fart with no shame or “Excuse Me.”

Of course, when I got a little older, my brothers got a thrill out of farting. I left home and got married so I immediately had a farter of my own. Then, without missing a beat, I married again and had another farter. I swear to God, I had him convinced that woman just don’t fart.

Then, I met the fartmaster. When my oldest son attained a certain age, he developed a facsination with farting that he pretty much still has. He laughs so hard at his own farts, but you can truly annoy him by farting back at him.When he and Rick where both living with me, it was one great big fart-a-rama.

A few years ago, I was in New York and I had this great beef sandwich with peppers...three kinds. I went into the restroom and noticed what a hideous bouquet that sandwich had summoned. I smiled cunningly.

I began developing my stratagem. It was so marvelously brilliant and the timing couldn’t have been better. They were both in the living room watching television. I went back into the living room and sat down as though all was right with the world. Serenely secure in my evil scheme, I withheld the pressure that was my vengeance for the years of anguish to which I had been subjected by the fartmaster and his little partner in crime. I smiled cunningly as I remembered the silence that preceeded the appalling stench. I knew that there would be no forewarning for my victims. I waited until just the right moment and unleashed what was the most foul, repugnant, revolting “silent but deadly” that I had ever had the misfortune of suffering.And then I sat back and watched the consequences of my reprisal ensue. It was breathtaking...literally.

When the effects of my opus first touched their noses, they immediately glanced at each other. Then, they inhaled again. Oh, it was magnificent. I laughed so hard that I instantaneously gave myself away. They both actually got up off of their chairs. The looks on their faces were identical and said the same thing, “How can I leave the presence of this gruesome entity?”

Their eyes went back and forth as though they were looking for an exit. You would have thought that they were a couple of mice in the presence of a lion. Such a sense of contentment, I have never felt. I assure you, that one fart made up for the years of olfactory assaults that these two yahoos had released upon me. I have tried, in vain, to duplicate it but haven’t found the proper combination of weapons with which to do so.

OK, enough fart talk, the dog just farted again. I guess I asked for that one. Well, I have to clean my kitchen so I can mess it up again by making dinner.

See ya,

Meg

2 Comments:

Blogger mylifeatfullspeed said...

OMG! That was hilarious!!! I've got tears going down my cheeks from laughing so hard!

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I had tears running down my own cheeks when I wrote it. I was remembering the looks on their faces as though it happened yesterday. It truly was magnificant.

Meg

August 28, 2006  

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This guy thinks...

...that he can beat ME at Trivial Pursuit and he offers the following as a challenging question:

Okay...everyone knows Neil Armstrong was the first man to walk on the moon, along with Buzz Aldrin as his partner, but who was the 3rd team member that didn't walk, but stayed up in the command module?
Yeah...'Right you'd win...
Mark...patiently waiting


So, I responded to him with this:

Oh, help me Rhonda.
Michael Collins waited patiently up in the command module. Now, HERE'Sa trivia question:
On which daytime soap opera did Collin's daughter play Natalie?
Meg


Years ago, I watched All My Children and there was a character named Natalie. Her father commanded the module from which Neal and Buzz went to the lunar surface. Obviously this guy doesn't know who he's dealing with.

And here's one froma guy who wants to negotiate:

I would like to see the place and talk to you. I would definetly be willing to help you with things around the house no problem. I actually wouldn't require you to do anything for me but it seems as if you enjoy cooking and I definetly wouldn't pass up a good meal. Well just get back to me with an estimate of what you think the rent would be given me doing nothing around the house and an estimate of what rent would be with me doing stuff around the house. Thanks!

Now, the extensive ad was a good idea. I had gotten some lame responses to the more traditional ads that I had posted in the past. One guy wanted to know when he could move in before he knew if I was a man or woman, goat or criminal. That could never be good. Then there was the guy with whom I spoke for a while. We discussed some of the chores that he would be doing and somehow he got the impression that I didn't expect any rent at all. I guess he thought that he would be my Mr. French or something like that.

My privacy is too important to give away easily. And...God forbid I should get the wrong guy. I did that once as well. I'm still paying for that bonehead move. So, I think this is much better. At least I'm sure that the men are literate and at the very least not total morons.

OK then, back to housework I go. The very LAST load of laundry is in the dryer waiting to be folded. No one can take off any clothes until it's dark out. I want to be able to say that the laundry is done for more than 5 minutes.

See ya soon!

Meg

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Guten tag, Sveiki and Bok...

...to you all. It's one of those days where I woke up early and had an amazing burst of energy so I got a lot of housework done. It doesn't make for terribly exciting blogging, but it does make a body feel good to have so much accomplished so early. There is one downside to doing so much so early in the day...You either keep on working or feel like a lazy buffoon for the rest of the afternoon.

Someone commented earlier that things seem to work out quite well for me and nothing could be further from the truth. I just don't mention the stupid things that seem to happen on an hourly basis because that would mean that I'd have to devote far to much time to negativity than I want to. Talking about Rick and relationships is about all the negativity that I can handle. So, it may seem as though everything is going great for me but that's just because I choose not to deal with most bad shit.

But, there are things that I do to minimize the bad stuff. First of all, I pretty much just ignore most of it like I just said. It's all in your attitude. The next biggie is something that my father told me, "People don't like miserable people. Most people like to be around happy people." I learned that he was right. If you look like you're having a good time, you will naturally attract other happy people to you.

When I go out at night and have a lot of fun, I attract a lot of people so I have to be careful where I enjoy myself. If you have too much fun in a bar, you could end up the subject of a Lifetime movie. So, if I ever go to a bar, I have my "bar demeanor".

My bar demeanor is a pretty tough character. She has fun, but at other people's expense. I call this chick Kelly because I don't want anyone to know who I am or how to testify against me. Seriously, when I go out, I say my name is Kelly. I always have.

Kelly will talk to you, but at a distance. You can't get too close to her, she requires much more "personal space" than I do. She will beat you at pool and take your money. You can't buy her a drink (even when Meg IS drinking) because she doesn't want anyone to think that they can take her home, or anywhere else for that matter. But, Kelly isn't trying to win friends and influence people, she's just having fun.

Everywhere else in life, I just smile and act like I'm a really nice person. It doesn't pay much monetarily speaking, but people seem to like it. They also like when you're honest with them. There's something appealing about honesty and if you are as honest as I am, it can be very intriguing. At least that's what I've been told.

People aren't used to meeting people as up front and honest as I am. Ordinarily, it challenges them to act the same way in return. They open up and in ten minutes they always seem to say, "I can't believe I'm telling you this, I've never told anyone else before." I can't tell you how many times I've heard that.

Basically, I just be myself and part of me is that I avoid negativity. It drives some people insane because they would truly prefer to bicker or to engage in some silly squabble of some sort and I never bother with them. My ex husband's wife is a perfect example. She's done everything she can do to try to get me to engage her in her ridiculous antics. From speaking ill of me in front of my kids to creating a blog in my son's name, she has spent unknown hours on negativity towards me but I have ignored her every step of the way. Surely someone like her inspired the famous, "Living well is the best revenge." It drives her insane and I don't have to do a thing except learn from her how miserable life is if you deal with negativity all the time.

So, things don't really go all that well for me at all. But, I prefer to ignore the bad stuff and concentrate on the good stuff. Now, there are times when I can't help myself and this blog is a direct result of one of those times. But, when it comes to my life other than that which deals with Rick, I'm a pretty sweet girl:):):)

I have to answer some of the ads for the roommate. I'm going to copy and paste a few up here now...BRB.

Meg

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Hey...

...here's the first response to the ad:

"...enigmatic thoreau-type seeking solitude and peace...loves simplicity, nature photography, pottery...former Army Ranger Instructor; presently Christian Counselor...770 *** ****Do call me...I'm totally fine with all you've said..."

He put the ... in there like I do! We have the ... thing in common anyway! He also put his web site in there, I'm going to check that out.

Meg

8 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Girl,

How do you do it? I would have bet all I owned you would never, never hear from anyone. It seems like everything you do works just fine for you and nothing I do works out ever.

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

LOLOLOL....uh...did you just start reading this thing yesterday? My entire life has been turned upside down over the past two years and nothing has gone right except for my granddaughter. But, I do have a few secrets that help me get along everyday. I'll write a post about that as soon as I'm done drinking my coffee.

Meg

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

By the way....pottery?

LOLOLOLOL.

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Faadaadaa said...

I'm addicted to reading your blog Meg. If it weren't for the small fact that I'm married with two kids of my own, we'd be PERFECT for each other, but I guess that's why you started this thing in the first place!

I'm already well-trained in the art of ceding all remote responsibilities and am originally from the suburbs of Chicago as well.

Faithfully not yours, but faithfully enjoying your thoughts anyway,

Faa

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Damn. This is the kind of luck I have. Oh well. Nice to know you're out there somewhere! You certainly gave me a smile and I always appreciate that.

:):):)

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Did you hear that ladies? He is already trained to hand over the remote! I have the worst luck in the world.

August 28, 2006  
Blogger Faadaadaa said...

Oh, I didn't mention two additional talents:

1) Laundry (as in, the art of doing)

2) Straight-faced Tampon buying (for my teenage daughter). I'm not talking about the cheezy

"I'll get six or seven random things I don't need and slip that little ol' blue box in the pile so that no one notices"

purchase, but the

"look the cashier straight in the eye as I stand in line for the single open register at two a.m. behind the owner of seventeen cats with their two shopping carts worth of groceries"

purchase, with nary a blink or reddening of the face.

Faa

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Wow! You certainly are a keeper. I never understood the male apprehension when it comes to purchasing feminine hygeine products. It's like carrying a huge placard that says, "I'm a hetrosexual and I have my own woman!"

Meggers

August 29, 2006  

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I found this sentence on another blog:

"...Why the hell do people wait until they fall out of love instead of taking charge when the problems arise?..."

The problem is that when you're dealing with cheaters, they don't tell you that there's a problem in the first place. As a matter of fact, the personality type that it takes to cheat is one that does everything to avoid confrontations. So, they lie about pretty much everything that they THINK might get them in trouble. They don't give their partners the opportunity to get angry so they avoid the problem by lying.

And so what if the partner DOES get angry? They probably won't kill you. They may have the right to be angry...you should tell them the truth and let them be angry if they need to. The lying is cruel because the other person is counting on something that isn't real and that's not fair at all.

Anyway, my point is that the people who would cheat would tell you that nothing is wrong if you asked them. BUT...they will get angry and spit out all the rotten things that you've done if they got caught! OMG! When I started to figure out what Rick was up to, I was the most hideous wife who had ever walked the planet. Before that, I would ask him, "What can I do to make you happier?" and he would say, "Nothing, you make me happy just by being my wife and taking care of me."

If there was a problem, I had no clue. he never gave me the opportunity to fix it. So, yeah, you should work ona marriage. But if you're dealing with a liar, there's really not much you can do.

OK, gotta go have sex.

See ya!

Meg

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Hi there!

I'm having a lazy Sunday, I haven't even de-jammied yet. I will soon, I feel a long, hot bath in my very near future. I made some good, old-fashioned sausage gravy...the way my grandmother taught me back in the 70's. It's such an easy thing to make and yet my mother never made it for us. HER mom cooked it, I don't know why she didn't. It's as fattening as it could be and probably clogs more arteries than most southern dishes, but it sure is good.

I had a conversation with someone who was arguing with her boyfriend yesterday. I ended up calling the boyfriend and I got both sides of the argument and there was one thing that I found so interesting. It was something that I've mentioned on this blog more times than I can count.

Basically, these are the two sentences that I found intriguing:

HER: "We were arguing and I was sitting in the car crying and he just LEFT me there for almost a half an hour!!!!. I couldn't believe he would leave me there while I was so upset! That made me madder than I was in the first place!"

HIM: "We were arguing in the driveway and she just kept getting more upset so I thought that if I made her so mad, I should walk away for a while and let her calm down but when I came back, she was worse than ever!"

How many times do I have to say it? If you are in an argument with a woman and leave her to stew, she will. Leaving her alone is like leaving her in a pressure cooker. Coming back is like taking the lid off. I'm going to look for a sentence that I wrote a year and a half ago and re-print it here. (I couldn't find the exact post that I was looking for but I did find this one)

"...If you have waited too long and you hear a door, slam...OPEN IT! Knock first, ask, beg if you have to (remember your mission here), but don’t let a woman stew too long. Now, if you think that by YOUR going into a room, with or without slamming a door, anything will calm down...you are sorely mistaken. Stewing is bad if it is self imposed and it is very, very bad if it is initiated by the man. You better just go ahead and get it over with. Hopefully you haven’t waited too long and hopefully you are timing this stuff for future reference, but if you have failed to finesse the situation back into bliss and happiness before the climax of the Preliminary Phase of a fight, you will have to enter into the Activation Phase because now you have reached the point of no return..."

In other words, the fight you're hoping to avoid by avoiding the woman is ONLY going to get worse if you leave her to sit while she's still angry and especially if she's crying. Walking away from a crying woman is just plain stupid and you deserve what you get.

OK...I'm going to go play for a while. See ya!

Meg

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OK...

...I've revamped the whole thing, here it is:

ROOMMATE WANTED:

I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because I was dumped by my husband of 17 years about 2 years ago. I don't mind having a female roommate, but for the sake of full disclosure, I should let you know that I don't get along with most women. I find the majority of them to be annoying as I'm sure they would find me to be. My personality type is one that seems to get along with men. Also, I don't really like the idea of jockeying for mirror space and fighting over curling irons and borrowed sweaters. And then you have that whole synchronization of cycles that would ultimately lead to simultaneous PMS-ing and that would just blow. I could imagine finding a woman who would do...but I can also imagine winning the lottery. I would prefer a man for a roommate for a variety of reasons. But, not just any man. I would have to say that the ideal candidate would be a man who was recently tossed out on his ass by an angry wife. One who misses the yard work and Saturday morning chore lists. I offer the right man the opportunity to carry on with his man-chore instinct. You can even bring your own tools, lawnmower and other man stuff that you would otherwise need to store. My tools double as kitchen utensils and I'd rather not damage my cutlery trying to unscrew something so I don't mind letting you bring your stuff here. You could even have your own shed! Now, I will rent to a person of low intelligence, but I would have to have something in return. He would either have to work a helluva lot harder doing work around the house or pay more in rent for the time I would spend frustrated. Stupid people frustrate the heck out of me and I'd really prefer a bright guy. One who could answer a few questions on Jeopardy would be good. Once again, a man who has recently been dumped might miss certain things in life and if Jeopardy is one of them, we can do that together! Also, if you've been eating a lot of Hot Pockets lately, you can go back to eating home cooked food because I love to cook and I used to be married to an Italian. I somehow acquired that quality of Italian women...I love to feed people and watch them eat the food I cook. And if your wife was a dreadful cook, you have a treat in store for you because I take a lot of pride in my cooking ability. Unfortunately, I'd have to put the kibosh on any sexual antics, I can't have sex with a roommate or I lose my alimony so that would never be a problem. I'm a very easy to get a long with person and I choose not to argue. I prefer instead to speak rationally or communicate in writing or by e-mail. That works to both of our advantage because we would cut down on any heated discussions and have a record with which we could defend ourselves if we should end up on Judge Judy. I don't like to see a man do housework so you would never have to do any of that unless you wanted to. I am even willing to do your laundry but as of my divorce, I don't do skid marks. I'm sort of like Edith Bunker, I run around cleaning things and dusting in an apron so you should know about that. Since I'm NOT your wife, you are under no obligation to speak to me or bring me roses or anything stupid like that. But, it would help if we shared some of the same interests simply for the sake of maintaining a challenging environment in the home. Keeping that in mind, I have to say that the following list is written for the sake of harmony and in the spirit of the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness: there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, religious zealots, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. Also, I have a broad range of interests should you want to watch a movie together but I am not a fan of Steven Seagal (sorry badboy) or karate movies. Of course, you can watch them...but I'll be in my room reading. See? Not being married has it's advantages. I don't expect you to so much as SPEAK to me...this is the perfect situation for the man who wants all the non-sexual benefits of marriage without any of the emotional toll! And on top of that...I love football, baseball and hockey so I would even sit around and do that with you if your buddies can't be found. And then I'd bake cookies. Your buddies wouldn't do that.


So, that's that. Now what do you think? I'll get this fucker done one way or another. Now I'm going to just write something. So, I'll be back again.

Ciao

2 Comments:

Blogger mylifeatfullspeed said...

you know...you should make these for people (as a consultant) and print them on cards to hand out to potential mates. People could sit with you (virtually even) for a few hours, decide what to put in the 'ad', and then hand these out at bars (or wherever they hang out). OR they can be posted on a board inside a bar/club/Barnes & Noble (yeah, some of us geeks like to hang out in bookstores! LOL) with their cell number and people can just call whoever they have a common interest in. If you are still around, you meet and see how things go. It'd be way better than meeting someone simply because they are attractive and they end up having nothing in common.

Ok, I know, I need sleep. I'm being silly. I'm off to fight the cat for bedspace.

:)

August 27, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, I certainly thought it would be a better idea than just saying "Room for Rent". I've done that before to dreadful results. The offers were all so bad that in two years of occasionally putting up an ad, I've never found anyone that I would take a chance on.

And fighting the cat for bed space, LOL...I can relate to that. Not only does the cat lie wherever I want to put my feet, the dog lies on the floor waiting for me to fall alseep so he can jump up on the bed OR the couch and lie next to me.

Tonight I was "entertaining" in my room and afterwards, all 3 of the mammals who live with me were lying on the floor outside the door.

I almost tripped over them. That would have been so embarrassing in what I was wearing. Oh well.

Now I'm going to fight the cat for bed space. See you all in the morning!


Meg

August 27, 2006  

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Based on a comment...

...that I received regarding the roommate ad, I have decided to revamp the entire ad. I was just going to add on to it, but there was no way to do that and make the ad flow. So, I decided that I should just fix the whole thing. OK...so, I'm gonna do that right now. I was watching the Falcon's game but it's half-time and a bit of a romp so I'm gonna do this instead...BRB with the new ad!

Meggers

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes male roommates don't work out either. Mine borrowed my last $20 Friday and took it, and my car, and disappeared for 3 days. He blew off work and went to stay with some random girl he met online. He failed to tell anyone, sparking a missing person's report and masive search. Until he called and told us where he was this morning. Needless to say, he'll be coming home to his stuff in boxes on the porch.

August 27, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Man...that sucks. I have to ask you, why did you loan him the cash? I'm so sorry that happened to you...you must have been very concerned to have even considered calling the cops.

Yeah, these things can happen with anyone, that's for sure.

August 27, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I loaned it to him because he was supposed to get paid the following morning, which he did. He just failed to return home after work. Uch. Men.. I'd still prefer a male roommate or no roommate to another female.

August 27, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

OK...so you basically agree with me, right? Have you any female roommate horror stories?

Meg

August 27, 2006  

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Saturday, August 26, 2006

OK...

...here is the link to the answers for the Seinfeld Trivia Quiz:

http://diaryofmydivorce.blogspot.com/2006/08/seinfeld-trivia-answers-1.html



:):):)

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Hi!!!

It's the weekend and I was trying to think of something fun to do and I came up with a Seinfeld Quiz. Now, if you don't like Seinfeld, you won't enjoy this but if you do, you'll find it challenging. So, here it is:

1. If George were abducted by aliens, where would he rather end: in their zoo or in their circus?

2. According to Jerry, how many dates qualify for a face to face break up?

3. Who is Billy Mumphrey?

4. How many times have Jerry and Elaine had sex?

5. What is Cousin Jeffrey's claim to fame?

6. What is Kramer's favorite soap opera?

7. According to Jerry, what is the best feature of the heavy relationship?

8. What did crazy Joe Davola scream when he jumped Jerry?

9. What hair-challenged star is hanging on a poster in George's bathroom?

10. From what movie does Jerry quote at Susan's grave?

11. Golden boy is...?

12. What childhood taunt was directed at George regrading Mrs. Costanza?

13. Name the character that Kramer played on Murphy Brown.

14. What was Jerry's pre-stand up job?

15. What WWII prime minister is scorned by George and Jerry?

16. What is George's regular lunch order at Monk's?

17. According to George, what is the biggest sucker deal in retail?

18. Jerry's custom blend of cereal is what percent bran flakes?

19. Kramer has played backgammon with what famous super model?

20. If George were a porn star, what would his screen name be?

21. Instead of "yes", Kramer says what?

22. Jerry has had two phone numbers, what are they?

23. George refers to Seattle as...

24. According to Jerry, what's the biggest step in the male friendship?

25. In the first pilot meeting with NBC, what is the name of the off, off Broadway play that George claims to have written?

26. What are Jerry's telltale signs that a man is in love?

27. A sign for what railroad hangs over Kramer's bed?

28. Kramer compared Jerry and Elaine's romantic relationship to which president and his wife?

29. Boys give each other atomic wedgies, according to Elaine, how do girls torment each other?

30. Who did Newman book to play his millennium party?

31. What is George's parents address?

32. Elaine thinks what percentage of people are good looking?

33. Name Jerry shampoo of choice?

34. Who regularly eats at Reggies?

35. What was the item of clothing that launched J. Peterman's career?

36. Kramer defines what as "it's like ten dates in one shot"?

37. Define the "swirl".

38. Elaine wanted to see what movie intead of The English Patient?

39. What are Jerry and George's PIN numbers?

40. If George could take just one book to a desert island, what would it be?

41. Define "kavorka".

42. Who are Jerry and George's favorite explorers?



OK, that was fun. I'll post the answers later. I spoke to my daughter and asked how she was enjoying her new job at the Beverly Hilton. She loves it. She has met two stars personally so far, one who I forgot and Art Linkletter. She has no clue who Art Linkletter is but I do. I think the most famous person that I ever met has to be Bob Hope. He was a doll. Especially when you consider how rude Sally Field was...Mr. Hope was very gracious and invited us into his room at the University Union at Western Illinois University a long, long time ago. He didn't even have to answer the door, much less ask us in.

OK then. I'm going to go feed all of the animals here and see if I can wake my son up. He seems to have moved in while I was sleeping.

See ya!

Meg

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Someone else besides me finally said it. how many are actually paying attention to this?

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. and then there are just Americans.

You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me "Whiteboy," "Cracker," "Honkey," "Whitey," "Caveman" and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towelhead, Sand-nigger, camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, or Chink you call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you, so why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Yom Hashoah
You have Ma'uled Al-Nabi
You have the NAACP.
You have BET.

If we had WET(White Entertainment Television) we'd be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day you would call us racists.
If we had White History Month, we'd be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites to "advance" our lives, we'd be racists.

We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, a Black Chamber of Commerce,

and then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we'd be racists. There are over 60 openly proclaimed Black Colleges in the US, yet if there were "White colleges" that would be a racist college.

In the Million Man March, you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights,
you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black
drug-dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist.

I am proud. But, you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?

August 26, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, I chose to play a trivia quiz, other's chose to write things like this...now I would love to hear some comments on THIS comment!

Meg

August 26, 2006  
Blogger mylifeatfullspeed said...

WOW! I do believe that someone needs to get their own blog and blow off some steam ;)

I'm printing the Seinfeld quiz out for hubby, he may annoy the everloving shit out of me, but every once in a while I gotta make an effort, and he'll love this.

Have a great one :)

Wendy

August 26, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I guess this one decided to see what other people think of his/her opinion...I'm sort of curious myself!


And, for your hubby, I'm going to put the answers in this thing and then I'll stick them somewhere in the blog so that the answers aren't in their face and I'll post a link to them. That should take me about a half an hour, then I'll post the link.

BRB...

Meg

August 26, 2006  

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Hey hey hey...

...how ya doin'? I'm just fine and dandy, thank you. I had some fun today. I did suffer a tiny setback, but one that was easily fixed.

Daisy dude and I got about half way to Chattanooga when I remembered that I couldn't leave the state. I hadn't mentioned any of that to daisy dude. So, that was embarrassing. But I told him and he knew a way to get to where we were actually trying to go, Rock City, without leaving Gogia. Rock City is actually IN the state of Gogia but most people take the quick way, through Chattanooga, Tennessee. You can come up Look Out Mountain from the South and never leave Georgia so that's what we did. It took us a long way to get around it but we did and it was a lovely day for a ride in the mountains so all around, it wasn't really a problem after all.

Rock City is hard to explain, it's sort of like outdoor spelunking on top of a mountain. You have to see it, I can't explain it. You could check the web site out at www.seerockcity.com . They have pictures there.

Anyway, we had fun. But during the long ride, we had a lot of time to talk and I noticed daisy dude has that man thing where they try to solve anything that you mention that even SLIGHTLY resembles a problem. Everything we say...from "That bitch I work with really annoys the heck out of me." to "Damn, I forgot to get Adolph's Meat Tenderizer." If a man hears us say something that they perceive as a problem, even if we never said it was a problem, they simply must solve the perceived problem.

You can't get angry at them for it, they really, really think that they're helping. What they don't realize (and this is what really shocks me, considering the way they talk about us behind our backs) is that all we're doing is bitching out loud. We aren't asking them to fix shit...when we say some chick we work with is a bitch, we're just asking them to say, "YEAH!!! She IS a bitch...and she's ugly!"

It's just in a man's nature to fix stuff and they have to learn to wait for us to ask...or at least ask US if we WANT their help.

So, I have to work on that a bit. Daisy dude had been married for a very long time so you would think that would have been one thing that a woman would fix. But, that's Ok, I can handle it.

Well, it's really, really late and I should go to sleep now. I'm wide awake so I'll probably have to watch something boring. Maybe I can find a Kevin Costner movie to watch.

See ya!

Meg

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Friday, August 25, 2006

OK...

...not being able to pass up a dare, I posted that thing. But, to conform to the rules against discrimination, I had to tweak it a bit so this is the finished product:

Somewhat picky but overall easy to get along with seeks same:


ROOMMATE WANTED:

I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because my lying, cheat of a husband left me here alone. But, there are a few things that I thought that I should mention because not just any person will do. First off...I don't get along with most women. Basically I don't want to have to jockey for mirror space in the big bathroom, find strange men walking around my house in the middle of the night or deal with someone else who is PMS-ing when I am. If you live with another female long enough, your cycles will become synchronized and the two of us PMS-ing simultaneously would lead to certain obliteration of any friendly relationship that we might have developed in the previous 3 weeks. So, please give my feelings due consideration when applying. If someone asked me to describe the type of roommate that I think would produce the most harmony in my home (I love harmony, don't you?) would be be a good sized man because there are a few manly chores that need to be done. I don't mind cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry, but the yard is man territory except for my garden and the plants on my deck. (I don't mind doing the laundry but if you can't wipe your ass any better than my husband did, you'll have to do your own laundry and you'll have to do it somewhere else. I have washed my last pair of shorts with skid marks in them and I don't want any to touch my washer.) So, mowing the lawn and raking are a couple of the things that I would expect from my roomie. Since I've been alone for a while, there are a few things around the place that need fixing so bring your tools. My flat head screwdriver is a butter knife and my phillips head is a steak knife. My hammer is a rolling pin and those are all the tools that I have. I do accomplish quite a bit with them but things are sort of falling apart on me so I have about a month of weekends worth of chores for you to help me with and after that, one weekend a month maintenance work will be required. Other duties will include (but are not limited to) killing bugs, changing the furnace filter in a creepy crawlspace once a month, giving me an occasional ride and watching Jeopardy with me. The ideal roommate will be able to answer at least a few questions on Jeopardy so there is a bit of intelligence would be a plus. A triple digit is good but over 130 would be great. I would except an idiot but the rent would be higher to make up for the irritation caused by answering stupid questions and explaining the big words. I just spent a very long time with an moron and I just can't do it anymore without compensation. :) It would be good if we shared some of the same interests because I might want you to take me some place fun every so often. Don't worry, my husband only took me out once every other year so I'm used to staying home a lot...there won't be too many field trips. A cop or an army dude would be best at making me feel safe, but any really large man with juevos would do. Although I do enjoy a friendly debate now and then, I don't argue so you will have to submit all complaints in writing. That not only keeps the loud discussions to a minimum but it also provides both of us with evidence should we ever appear on Judge Judy. There will be no sex because if I sleep with a roommate, I won't receive my alimony and that SOB is going to pay for as long as the court allows. You can have female guests overnight but they can't live here. (See above reasons why I don't want another woman living in my house.) For the sake of my sanity and our continued happiness and harmony as roommates, there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, religous zealots, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. I think you should know that upfront. That goes for you AND your visitors. I appreciate living in a country that allows for freedom of expression in print, the press and in the lifestyle that we choose to live. The ideal roommate will share this philospohy with me. I retain total power of the remote control in my living room at all times but you would have cable in your own room if you must hold one while watching TV. I have a very broad range of interests when it comes to movies but I draw the line at Steven Seagal, karate movies and anything at all to do with Michael Moore. I like football and so must you. I find there to be something inherently wrong with a man who doesn't watch football. It'd be nice if you liked baseball too but that's not mandatory. If you were a Cubs fan I might have to rethink the alimony thing. OK...I think that's all. But as a woman, I reserve the right to change the rules as I see fit. Thanks and have a great day!

Alrighty then, oops, I forgot to change the font. Oh well. Now I have to run and write something.

BRB

Meg

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

One question: What's in it for the roommate??

August 26, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, I've gone to a lot of trouble to make my needs and wants known...I think the roommate needs to do the same. Then, we can work from there.

:):):)

August 26, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think the roommate needs to do the same.

You missed what I was getting at. There is nothing in your ad that is an incentive for a roommate a to choose you, as opposed to any other potential roommate. You need to communicate what aspects of living with you in your house set your roommate situation apart from any other. All your ad does is explain what you want, not what you have to offer.

August 27, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Ah...I see. I DID ask for suggestions so I thank you for yours and I shall now work on an addendum as to what I have to offer as a roommate. Good idea!

BRB.

Meg

August 27, 2006  

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Good morning!

I was thinking about "extrapolating" some more silliness in my ad for a roommate. At first, it seemed like a silly idea and something fun to write. But, the more I think about it, I do need a roommate and I've been avoiding it for so long because I hate people. But, if I wrote an ad that was extremely specific, I might just avoid the ordinary pitfalls.

Also, I think it would help the potential roomies. If they read the ad and find it to be amusing, perhaps that would mean that we might have something in common. On the other hand, if they read it and say, "That chick's a nut.", they would save a lot of time.

So, I am going to write a longer, more specific ad. The worst that could happen is nothing and that's been happening for quite a while now anyway. So, here goes:


ROOMMATE WANTED:

I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me because my lying, cheat of a husband left me here alone. But, there are a few things that I thought that I should mention because not just any person will do. First of all, I don't get along with most women. Secondly, I don't want to have to jockey for mirror space in the big bathroom, find strange men walking around my house in the middle of the night or deal with someone else who is PMSing when I am. If you live with another female long enough, your cycles will start to come at the same time and two of us PMSing would lead to certain obliteration of any friendly relationship that we might have. So, I need for my roommate to be a man. And, he should be a good sized man because there are a few manly chores that need to be done. I don't mind cooking and cleaning and doing the laundry, but the yard is man territory except for my garden and the plants on my deck. (I don't mind doing the laundry but if you can't wipe your ass any better than my husband did, do not apply. I have washed my last pair of shorts with skid marks in them.) So, mowing the lawn and raking are a couple of the things that I would expect from my roomie. Since I've been alone for a while, there are a few things around the place that need fixing so bring your tools. My flat head screwdriver is a butter knife and my phillips head is a steak knife. My hammer is a rolling pin and those are all the tools that I have. I do get a surprising amount of work done with them but I have about a month of weekends worth of chores for you to help me with and after that, one weekend a month maintenance work will be required. Other duties will include (but are not limited to) killing bugs, changing the furnace filter in a creepy crawlspace once a month, giving me an occasional ride and watching Jeopardy with me. The ideal roommate will be able to answer at least a few questions on Jeopardy so there is a bit of an IQ test involved here. A triple digit is mandatory but over 130 would be great. I would except an idiot but the rent would be higher to make up for the irritation caused by answering stupid questions and explaining the big words. I just spent a very long time with an idiot and can't do it anymore without compensation. It would be good if we shared some of the same interests because I might want you to take me someplace fun every so often. Don't worry, my husband only took me out once every other year so I'm used to staying home a lot...there won't be too many field trips. A cop or an army dude would be best at making me feel safe, but any really large man with balls would do. Although I do enjoy a friendly debate now and then, I don't argue so you will have to submit all complaints in writing. That not only keeps the loud discusions to a minimum but it also provides both of us with evidence should we ever appear on Judge Judy. There will be no sex because if I sleep with a roommate, I won't receive my alimony and that SOB is going to pay for as long as the court allows. You can have female guests overnight but they can't live here. (See above reasons why I don't want another woman in my house.) For the sake of my sanity and our continued happiness and harmony as roommates, there will be no country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, Mormons, vegans OR vegetarians, methamphetamine users, drunk people, anyone from the anti-fur lobby, naked pictures of Joan Rivers or Clintonista's allowed in my house. That goes for you and your visitors. I retain total power of the remote control in my living room. I enjoy lots of different kinds of movies but I draw the line at Steven Seagall and karate movies. I like football and so must you. I find there to be something inherently wrong with a man who doesn't watch football. It'd be nice if you liked baseball too but that's not mandatory. OK...I think that's all. But as a woman, I reserve the right to change the rules as I see fit. Thanks and have a great day!

OK then, that ought to do it. Any suggestions before I put the ad up?

OH! daisy dude just called...what perfect timing! He's leaving work early and offerred to take me to Chatanooga! We've been talking about that for a while. I'm so excited!

Meg

7 Comments:

Blogger Badboy said...

Meg!
Not even, " Above the law or Under siege"? His two best films? My, my, my. lol
Bill
PS. By the way this will be my third attempt at posting a comment. Blogsville is having a bad day:)

August 25, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

LOLOLOL...well, I'm not totally unreasonable. I am willing to negotiate somethings...not everything, but movies...perhaps. What have you got to offer in return?

Meg

August 25, 2006  
Anonymous Buddy said...

LOL, I hope you know that the Paper charges by the Line

August 25, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Yeah, but Craigslist is free, free, free!

Tee hee.

Me

August 25, 2006  
Blogger SolarisGal said...

Meg, I dare you, actually, I double dare you to post that ad - just for fun!! YOu can then tell us what happens and who actually replies!

Speaking of Craigslist, here's something to make fun of:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/lgi/w4m/198863546.html

(copy and paste the link)

August 25, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

First of all, I cannot pass up a dare. So it was said, so it be done.

Now, I'm going to check out that post and write about what I did today and then I'll be back. See ya soon!

Meg

August 25, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

OK, so see ya real soon. I went to check out that link and Craigslist had removed it...what was it?

OK, now I'm going to write something and be right back...

Ciao

August 25, 2006  

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Hi there...

...sorry to be rare again today but I slept late and then I had a chance to go shopping so I did. And, of course, Thursday is my weekly drinking and drugging class so there's that. I bought some Popsicles today and I'm half way through eating them...the fourth Popsicle out of the box of 6 is in my left hand and I'm typing really, really slowly with my right hand.

Well, I went out last night. I did meet a guy, but before I fell asleep he annoyed the hell out of me so that's not going anywhere. But, I did have fun. I was shooting pool and on a lucky streak.
I was making shots that amazed me. I still contend that I play better after a few beers so I bet I could have done even better had I sucked a few down. Of course, that's just the very logic that got me in all of the legal bullshit that I've been going through so I will just take my chances sober for now.

Anyway, I was winning so I had the table for a while and during the last two games, I noticed a guy sitting near me. I knew that I wasn't going to be staying out for very long so I didn't have time to wait for him to make the first move so I did. I just sat on the other side of my table which put me right next to him and said, "Hello!" He was rather pleasant and didn't seem to mind so I stayed there after I finally lost at pool.

He's from the Chicago suburbs too so we spoke about Chicago for a while and he seemed like a really nice guy. He was a really nice guy. He just had one problem...the same problem that the rest of them seem to have.

My son came in to get me and when he did, I gave the guy my phone number and he said that he would call me later last and he did. The phone rang within 3 minutes of me walking in the door. I took the phone in my room to chat with him and he asked me when I was coming to his place. I don't know if he planned on picking me up or if he thought that I delivered...we never got that far.

I don't know what he was talking about but he said that he thought that was our "plan". I don't remember ever planning to fuck anyone...at least not last night.

But, I did have a good time while it lasted. I dragged him out on the dance floor against his wishes and made him dance with me. I shot some really good pool and I have begun my new search for men. I don't mean just one, I mean I want to play for a while.

I started out to do that last year but I got a little distracted by a couple of serious relationships that only served to show me that I was right...after a few dates, guys get lazy in so many different departments. I want one who tries a little harder than most. It's not like it would be one sided...I show my appreciation well. Anyway, I'm going back to the 5 date rule. I DON'T want to date a man into laziness so I think 5 dates is pretty good. I suppose there will be a few who might not make it through the first date...then I just get them to take me to a local place where I know people from when I did stand up there and get someone to secrete me out the back door and into their car and take me home. Those guys deserve to be dumped...trust me. It's usually a safety issue when I do that. If I don't feel totally safe, I'm outta there.

I met this guy once who offered to give me a ride home and I took it. He passed my street and kept going to his apartment complex and wanted me to come in and meet his wife. I had the feeling that he was lulling me into a false sense of security by telling me his wife was inside.

Why would any man want to bring a strange woman in to meet his wife? Most men aren't that stupid and most wives wouldn't appreciate it at all. I just jumped out of the car and ran away. I've always felt as though I really got lucky that day when I ran.

Anyway, I'm going to bed early tonight...the weekend's coming up and I have some men to browse through.

Meg

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Hey!!!


I'm running out with daisy dude...BRB.


Meggers

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Good morning!

Solaris commented that I must be difficult to watch TV with because of my "chatterboxing" throughout the show. She's pretty much right. I do talk during TV. Naturally, I AM more entertaining than most of the stuff on TV...who wouldn't prefer to listen to me?!

Seriously, I do talk, but only when I see a mistake, someone I worked with before or if I have something to say. Give me a break Solaris...I've been living alone for two years. I rarely have anyone to talk to and when I do...I pity the fool. Hell, I was alone for less that 5 months before I TOTALLY freaked from not having anyone to talk to. When that happened, I began this blog. I had to talk to SOMEONE!!!!

Still, I rarely have anyone here to chat with. Sometimes, I wish I had a neighbor who could come over and chat over coffee. (Not all the time though, I've had some neighbors who wouldn't leave me alone so I try not to get too close to people who live within "dropping by" distance of me.) My son stops by but he's usually in and out of here so fast that I never get to speak to him.

I'm seriously considering getting a roommate again. My father told me about a woman who would search the Want Ads for a single woman seeking a female roommate. When she found one, she would move in and then shortly "out" herself as a VERY annoying lesbian. She would begin doing truly obnoxious things and then, when the roommate eventually evicted her, she would sue the roomie for discrimination. My father represented one of the roommates, not the lesbian. No one cared that she was lesbian, but she made the lawsuits all about that. I get the impression that this was like the situation in Pacific Heights, without the cockroaches and nail gun.

When I was writing the ad for a companion to help my father care for his ex wife, I asked my father if I could specifically request a female in the ad. He said that I could. I didn't know whether I could or not, I thought that it might be illegal. After all, they can't list the Help Wanted by Male or Female anymore.

I bet most of you guys don't even remember when they did that. The want ads were divided into two sections, Help Wanted-Male and Help Wanted-Female. I don't remember when they finally stopped that but I do remember looking for jobs when the newspapers were all like that.

(I also remember when the papers didn't say things like, "A white man raped a woman yesterday..." but I do remember when they would say, "A Negro man raped a white woman yesterday..." If the story pertained to a white man, it didn't specifically say white, but the papers would always let you know the race of any non-white perpetrator. Newspaper people act so above everyone else when they bemoan all the evils done by all the this-ists and that-ists...someone should point at them every so often.)

Anyway, if it isn't illegal to ask for one specific sex in a Help Wanted ad...perhaps I can get picky in my add for a roommate? Ya think?

Do ya dare me to stick this on Craigslist?


ROOMMATE WANTED

I need a roommate to share my 3 bedroom house with me. I need a man who is healthy enough to do lawn work and clean gutters. It would be great if you were a really good painter, but adequate would do. I don't mind cooking if you don't mind doing the man stuff that I hate to do like taking out the trash, killing bugs and going down into a creepy crawlspace and changing the filter on the furnace once a month. Thursday nights I need a ride to a meeting and every so often, I'll be needing a ride to the doctor, the mall or something like that. Every once in a while, I'll be needing a ride to a game of bridge, a bowling alley or some other recreational location where I could have some fun. I haven't been paintballing yet but I've seen it and it looks like fun. I would LOVE to do that. My screwdriver is a butter knife so you'll have to bring your own tools. I have many things around the house that need repairing but you could do them all in a month of weekends. After that initial month of weekends, I would need one weekend a month from you for general repairs and maintenance. It'd be good if you were a cop or an army guy, but just a really, really large man will do. Your presence alone should rival that of my dogs when it comes to burglars, Jack the Raper and things like that. I'll be needing you to watch Jeopardy with me and you must be able to answer a few questions correctly. A very stupid man will do, but he'll have to pay more in rent and do more manual labor. (Sorry about that but I'll be spending too much of my valuable time explaining things to a moron and I must be recompensed.) Arguing is not allowed and all complaints must be presented in writing. No verbal grievances will be addressed. No country music, rap, American Idol, CNN, Mormons or Clintonista's allowed in my house. That goes for you and your visitors.

Actually, I think that if I spent some more time on that ad, I might be able to get a good one up and running by nighttime.

What do you guys think?

Meg

8 Comments:

Blogger Karin's Korner said...

Meg, I think your nuts but that is why we love you and keep coming back day after day to read what you have written.

August 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Karin,

I prefer to think of it as "fun to be around"...but I've heard "nuts" before as well.

And, I guess it's the chicken and the egg thing because I come here and write because I know you guys will be here.

:):):)

August 23, 2006  
Blogger SolarisGal said...

I like Karin's comment.

As for you Meg, one of these days, our group is going to crash your house, sit in your backyard, drink cocktails and talk a lot of *bleep bleep*!

August 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, I'm waiting! By the way, is there a nice single guy in your group?

Meggers

August 23, 2006  
Anonymous Di said...

omg Meg I can totally relate to talking to yourself! Did it, do it, all the time. Never noticed until a person was actually here and kept asking 'what?'. No, I wasn't speaking to them *urgh*.

I like the ad. Yes please extrapolate on it, post it, share with us the results :)

Even while I was married to Contestant #2, he wasn't here much. Once he left for good the men neighbours pitched in by mowing my lawn, fixing my vacuum, and one time even knocking down my bathroom door that I'd accidentally locked and had the bath running! Heck, one husband even helped me change the blade in my razor.

One friend told me that men like to do things for you. So...let them :)

August 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I not only talk to myself...I interview myself. I am fascinating and I never know what I'm going to say next.

I am on the prowl for a fixer dude. I'm going to be putting a helluva lot more energy into finding one. Starting this afternoon, I'm on the job. I am going to take a walk around the corner this afternoon to shot a few games of pool. I should be there before Happy Hour and that's when the men all stop in after work. Don't worry, I won't be drinking, just shooting pool. But, I have primped for the past hour and I will bend far over that pool table. When I get back, I'll let you know how it went.

See ya!

Meggers

August 23, 2006  
Blogger SolarisGal said...

Well, now, Meg - it's not really my group. It's just us - the bunch of us loner bloggers... and yes, I'm sure there are gorgeous single men out there - they just don't want to sleep out on the Pull Out Couch.
Wait a second, that was a bad joke.

August 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I'd love to have you all over. The back yard could probably accomodate the people who come here regularly. The ones out of the country might have to take a bit of a trip, but I'd love to have them. It'd be BYOB, of course.

Meggers

August 24, 2006  

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Well now I'm bored...

...so bored that I just watched an hour and a half of Cops. Those guys always get their man, don't they?

Then the cops always ask the bad guys why they're running. Are they seriously expecting an answer when they ask people that question? They seem to want an answer pretty badly.

One guy had to be taken down with dogs and the cops said, "Now he has to go to jail with dog bites instead of without them."

Nobody wants to go to jail, with or without dog bites. The cops work there so I guess it's normal to them but most people don't like to go to jails. I think that's the point.

They're the fricking cops, they're supposed to chase the bad guys and the bad guys are supposed to run. I never hear the bad guys asking the cops why they were chasing them, why do they have to ask them why they run?

They never show the ones that get away and somebody's getting away somewhere. If not, there wouldn't be so many people wanted by the police. I don't know how many of them actually get away when they run but some of them must. Those cops run too hard after the ones they do have to chase and I figure that's because they've lost a couple here or there and they don't want it to happen again.

When they catch the bad guys who run far, they seem to knock the fuckers around a bit before they get the cuffs on them. They do it so casually with cameras there, you have to wonder what they do when the cameras aren't there. I've seen more than one man charged with battery on a cop when the only person messed up at all was the guy in jail...the cops didn't have a scratch on them. That was in Roanoke, Virginia.

Tonight they had a couple of special episodes of Cops...one with everyone armed and one where everyone ran away. So, the cops were pretty annoyed on the shows tonight. That stuff seems to bring out the worst in cops.

Like my husband, they seem to spend an inordinate amount of time in trailer parks. These people don't just have to worry about whores and bad weather, they to worry about criminals as well. That must blow.

Well, I'm so bored that my brain is on empty so I'm going to go back in my room and lie on my bed and watch television. I wish I had a big guy in there with me. Just for a few nights...not for any length of time.

Oh well. The cat will have to do for now.

:):):)

5 Comments:

Blogger SolarisGal said...

Damn, Meg - I wouldn't want to watch TV with you - I can imagine you chatterboxing throughout the whole show!!

I'm just kidding with you
:):):)

August 22, 2006  
Blogger Hoots Musings said...

Hi Meg!
You forgot most of the men arrested in the show COPS usually do not have on a shirt!

August 22, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Girl,

You KNOW I DO! Unless of course it's really scary and I'm hiding beind a shoulder. But your's probably isn't big enough for me so you'd be safe.

The MEN don't wear shirts? LOLOLOL....last night they cuffed 3 WOMEN without shirts! (Behind the backs!) I have never seen an arrest emergency...Why can't they let the chicks put their clothes on?

OK...now I'm going to write something for you guys...BRB!

Meg

August 23, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meg,

I'd love to watch tv with you. I wish I weren't 7 thousand miles away.

anonymous

August 23, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Well, well, well...

...I wish you weren't 7000 miles away, too! If I asked my probation officer really, really nicely, I bet she'd let me travel. Now, if I can just get my passport back from my husband, I'll be good to go!

Meg

August 23, 2006  

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I mentioned that Sally Field was a bitch...

...and a friend of mine was surprised. I was too when I met her. I lived in Petaluma California when they filmed a movie called Heroes there. They had filmed American Graffiti there before I moved there. When they were doing American Graffiti, a friend of mine named Kristy dated Harrison Ford. I didn't know that he was married when she was dating him until recently! I heard that he and his wife were divorced in 1979 and that was shortly after the movie Heroes was filmed in Petaluma and Kristy had dated Harrison again.

She asked me if I wanted to go to his motel room with her for a party. I was very young and I had never seen Star Wars or American Graffiti so I didn't know who the heck Harrison Ford was. But, I did know who Fonzie was and he was supposed to be at the party, as was Sally Field. And, I wanted to meet them.

When we got there, I was sitting on a couch chatting with some guy who I had just met. He walked away and then I walked over to the balcony to see the view. When I did, a short woman stood next to me. I didn't pay any attention to her and before I knew it, there were about 10 people surrounding us. I looked over at the woman and noticed that it was Sally Field.

I said, "Are you Sally Field?" and she responded, "If I'm not, all of you people are surrounding the wrong woman."

She was so smug in the way that she said it that I was disgusted. I said, "Oh, I thought they were surrounding me." and walked away.

So, I really don't like her. I really, really don't. I'm not happy with my friend Kristy either. I had no clue that I was accompanying her to a married man's room. I didn't find out for over 20 years. So, although Harrison is a good actor, I know that he's a cheating husband so I'm not so impressed with him either.

He recently got married to Calista Flockhart and I hope he's grown up since the 70's. If not, she's in for some interesting crap in her future. I have never met a man who cheated once and then learned his lesson. I'm sure they exist out there somewhere, but I wouldn't marry someone that I knew had cheated in the past.

OK, I've just gotten home from the dentist. I have one more appointment and then I'm done with this tooth. Then, I'm done with this dentist. I'm going to let him finish the tooth he started and then I'll have to find another dentist. All this time I thought that I was the one who was fighting the laughing gas. Then, I went to a dentist last December who gave me laughing gas and it worked. But that dentist was so far away that I wanted to go to a closer one this time. But, now I've learned that he doesn't use enough nitrous so I'm irritated. 50 bucks for that crap and they don't use enough to help. This guy said that he "caters to cowards". Well, he doesn't. But, he's done so much work on this tooth and he's already taken the nerve out so I don't think it could possibly hurt. We'll see after the lidocaine wears off.

See ya!

Meg

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Monday, August 21, 2006

Hi!

I went to bed and tried to fall alseep but it didn't work so I'm up again. They say that you aren't supposed to stay in the bed too long if you can't sleep or you might start to associate the bed with being awake. I must associate that bed with something bad...I can't sleep in it to save my life. I usually just start out on the couch but lately I've been trying to fall alseep in my bad only to wake up in the middle of the night and wander from room to room and bed to bed looking for a comfortable place to sleep.

Tonight I'm not gonna bother for a while. I think I'll watch a scary movie. I almost watched White Noise earlier but then my son came by and I cooked him dinner. Now I think I'll watch something. I'd like to see The Sixth Sense but I don't have it. I did, like Cold Mountain. Rick stole them both from me. The bastard.

I was thinking that it was time for a new word and I thought that I would take this opportunity to officially define a word that I've been using since I created it a couple of weeks ago. The word is WOPIG.

The word wopig is term that is to be applied to a female sub-humanoid creature who is not quite a woman and yet not quite a pig. She has many aspects of both species and she insults either species when referred to as a woman or a pig. The behavior of a wopig is usually confined to deviant sexual behavior such as adultery, promsicuity and the spread of venereal disease. Colleen Lombardi and Gail Glenn are perfect examples of wopigs.

OK then. With that taken care of, I'm going to go into the living room and see if there's any good scary movies to watch.

See you in the morning!

Meggers

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"Life begins at forty"...

...explains why I was so bored for the first forty years of my life but it doesn't explain the past eight.

Quite by surprise, I'm a single grandmother. I never planned to be worrying about finding a date for Friday night at this point in my life. But, thanks to a cheating husband and a trailer dwelling bimbo, I am, indeed, a single grandmother. I've never even heard of single grandmothers. Single mothers...yes. But single grandmothers? I should have seen this coming when my first love was an unattainable teen idol.

I've been called a bitter divorcee and I guess that's rather apt. Not that I mind..don't get me wrong. I happen to think that bitterness is highly underated. But the term divorcee just plucks my last nerve.

The word itself sounds so smoking jacket and martini, and I'm nothing like that at all. Divorcee. I'm something that sounds French.

I have absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe that there's a man out there for me. I've haven't found one yet. I don't have one now. The ones that I have met all seem to be assholes.

But,for some strange reason, I love men and I can't seem to keep myself from browsing. It just seems like the natural thing to do. And, the one really positive thing about being dumped by your husband is the fact that you get to screw new men. So, until somebody tells me to stop, that's just what I'm going to do.

I can't sleep with all of them, there just isn't the time. But, I can go through a pretty huge chunk of them before I turn fifty if I set my mind to it. The problem is that that you have to weed through a bunch of toads while you're looking through the selection.

And the bad ones don't wear a special cap or anything so you don't know who they are until they've already had an opportunity to really annoy the heck out of you. A man can go from being charming and witty to being horny and simian in twenty minutes.

I found one once who knew how to obtain a very nice car, put on a very nice suit and carry on a stimulating conversation over dinner. But, the man could not end the date without coming very close to a sexual assault. I have to give him credit...he did call me the next day. And every day after that for the next two months. I never once answered his calls, but they came every night like clockwork. Why is it that the crazy ones always call?

Of course, at my age, the men are all pretty much recylcled. It's impossible to find one that hasn't been trained to another woman's specifications. It takes years and years to train one that you get as a youngster, can you imagine how long you'd have to work to RE-train a man? And...something that I've learned...it's easier to take the mother out of a man than it is to take the ex wife out of him.

I don't really mind the recylcled men. That is, as long as they're ready for reuse. The men who are still hung up on their ex's can be a bit difficult to keep a grip on. I find it best not to date a man who hasn't been out of a relationship any longer than I have. I wouldn't want a man as screwed up as I am.

Another group of men that I've learned to stay away from...the youngun's. I don't have a specific age that I date above, I just have one test that a man must pass. He must answer this question appropriately, "Would you tell your mother about me?"

Any man who wouldn't tell his mother about you isn't old enough. Another problem with the very young, they actually believe that they are doing you the favor in that relationship. I can't have a man who thinks that he's helping me out by gracing me with his presence.

I've gotten over the need to have a date every week but I do appreciate the company of a nice man every so often. Especially if he brings his tools. I have a few things that need to be fixed around the house and I've found that if you date a man more then a few times, they become less industrious. So, I try not to date the same man into laziness. At the first sign of lethargy, I like to get a new one.

My husband was rather lethargic most of the time. I'm actually surprised that he even had the impetus to have an affair. If I catch my TV at the proper angle, I can still see the man in the reflection. His main focus in life for the majority of the time I knew him was to stop the couch from floating away.

I had a list of dating rules that I usually followed when I was in my 20's. I broke almost every single one of those rules when I went out with Rick. The only rule that he conformed to was my height requirement and I think that he lied about that.

As I said, I am enjoying some bitterness right now. A woman needs a reason to get out of bed in the morning and I have my bitterness. My marriage ended abruptly and efficiently. I would have preferred some warning, but instead, I have this wonderful bitterness that has me operating at a level of Mutually Assured Destruction.

In my head I know that I lost a total bonehead and loser but I still feel so acutely betrayed and therefore totally justified in my actions. You may question my righteousness, but never my indignation.

We specifically discussed other people and agreed not to screw anyone else. We made a pact that we would be faithful to each other forever. We called it marriage. I made a lot of plans based on the premise that we would be staying together. So, when he left, I had a lot of spare time and a computer.

Meg

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Meg

DID YOU SEE THAT OREILLY USED YOUR DEFINITION OF SCARAMOUCHE??

August 21, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

Yes...I did see that. People don't realize they know the word. They sing it in Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody..."Scaramouche, scaramouche, can you do the fandango?..." And, for those of you who don't know what it is, it's a "cowardly buffoon" and I used that as part of my routine when I did stand up.

Meg

August 21, 2006  

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Good morning!

I'm drinking my coffee and reading the news. You know how they are certain pieces of the newspaper that you grab first? Well, I put those things on my computer so that when I sign on, the silly stuff pops up first. One of the things I read before I read the normal news is the News of the Weird.

This morning they mentioned someone who had invented a cannabis that is not mind altering. Why someone would do that is beyond me. I never understood O'Doul's either. Beer doesn't really taste good, why would anyone take the buzz out of the bottle and then sell it?
Hell, why would anyone BUY that stuff? Blech.

I'm thinking about breakfast and what I should have. I think I'm going to make pancakes. You know those blue boxes of Jiffy Muffins? I buy those and make pancakes out of all the different flavors.

When I was a very young wife, I ran out of pancake mix once. I only used it because I learned to cook watching my mother and she used it. I stopped using it after I ran out because I had to look for a pancake recipe and when I did, it had exactly the same ingredients as the pancakes that I made with the mix. The only difference was the pancake mix was a helluva lot more expensive than the flour that the cookbook recipe called for.

If I used the pancake mix, I had to add eggs, milk and oil.

But...if I used flour, I had to add eggs, milk and oil.

That's when I figured out that pancake mix is just really expensive flour. It's even on the side of the box under ingredients. Pancake mix is nothing but 5 different types of flour. Shortly after that they came out with instant pancakes, at least easy enough that you just add water, but when I learned to cook, you only had the original mix. It's amazing what they can get us to pay for.

I see a lot of people paying a lot of money for half cooked bacon. I don't understand that at all. What are we doing with all the time that we're saving? I don't see anyone who has a bunch of spare time now that everything is so convenient. And, if I could, I'd rather use the time cooking anyway. Of all the things to save time on, cooking is not one that I would choose.

I'd choose to abbreviate TV but I guess they can't make TV anymore mindless than it already is.

OK then, pancakes it is. These are a mix too but they come in apple-cinnamon and blueberry. I'm making myself hungry just writing about it. I have a bunch of butter and syrup...that'll be good.

My grandparents had a few businesses and when I was about 2, they had a restaurant in New Jersey. I would climb up on the stools next to the men who were eating their meals at the counter and steal their butter. Back then they served a slice of butter on a little square of heavy paper. Things were nowhere near as convenient as they are now but somehow we got by.

OK then, I should make breakfast and get dressed. I'll be back later.

See ya!

Meg

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cannabis has multiple health benefits beyond mind-alteration. Your Marinol is just one example.

Legalizing medical marijuana would be a lot easier if the medical marijuana did not get people stoned.

August 21, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

If it's taken in the appropriate dose, it doesn't get you stoned. That's silly. Narcotics are legal and they have a side effect of euphoria. There are plenty of drugs that have the potential for abuse and would be a heckuva lot more dangerous than medicinal marijuana. That high hasn't caused one single person to overdose but the same cannot be said for narcotics or amphetamines.

August 21, 2006  
Anonymous Katja said...

OMG Meg! Your blog is awesome. Being a Marietta girl as well, I somehow stumbled across reference to you at the Square on Saturday. Your experience is a combination of my mother's experience with my dad and mine with my first husband. Thank you!!

August 21, 2006  

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Sunday, August 20, 2006

The guy who I went out with...

...Friday night sent me flowers yesterday! Isn't that sweet? I was so taken aback that I inhaled saliva and almost choked to death in front of the delivery lady. The flowers are a beautiful blend of white and yellow roses with daisies. I've never seen anything like them before.

And...I counted them. There's an even number of roses and daisies so I doubt that this man gave any of the flowers that he bought for me to another woman. Rick was good for giving my flowers to his girlfriends. I never got all 12 roses from Rick...not one time.

So far this guy has done everything perfectly. I'm sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop. He calls me but not too often, he asks me out without hinting about coming into my house for anything other than to pick me up. I don't have to worry about this guy faking his way into my house to get "something for heartburn". That always ends with me trying to get some guy off of my couch and out the door. This one has been inside my house, but he hasn't sat down on anything. I appreciate that.


Don't you hate it when there's someone sitting on your furniture and they appear far too comfortable? When I want a guy to sit down, I'll let him know. And, if I want to, I'll sit on the couch with him. Otherwise I'll just sit on my blue recliner. When I'm ready, I'll sit on my couch and ask a man to join me. I like the ones who wait for me to do that instead of trying to claim me ASAP.

Anyway, this guy seems very, very nice. But they can fool you, can't they? The guys who seem the nicest can turn out to be the nuttiest. I'm not judging daisy dude...I'm just making an observation.

This year I've run into two frighteningly controlling men and both of them were as sweet as they could be when I met them.

One of them literally changed overnight after I made a commitment to him. That was my shortest commitment ever. That commitment didn't even make the blog before I realized what a mistake it was.

Until I met that guy, I never believed people who said, "He changed immediately after we got married." I figured that they had to be in some silly denial thing and after they got sick of the guy, they would make up that crazy line. How could anyone change overnight? Well, much to my surprise, people can.

I'm gonna call this guy Shrek. Shrek treated me so well that I was giddy. He was funny, bright and kind. And...he really, really seemed to like me. He would come up to me and hug me for no reason, he would make out with me until I would get stubble rash and he totally made me feel as though he was nuts about me. I fell for Shrek quickly, any woman would have.

Then, we had a conversation on a Tuesday night and as a result, we were "going steady" or whatever you can it when two full grown adults are committed but not married.

The next day, the hugs stopped, the conversations stopped...every single sign of the old relationship was gone. So was the nice guy who I had fallen for. There were still a few signs of some relationship...all the usual negative signs. The jealousy was there. The guy himself was there so I couldn't get a new one. The arguments were there. It was like having all of the bad parts of a relationship without any of the good parts.

No more hugging, no more making out, no more conversations...nothing that I had found so attractive in the first place. How in the HELL does something like that happen?

When I finally realized that it wasn't my imagination, I confronted him about the situation. The guy actually said, "That's when I was trying to land you. I've got you now, I don't need to do all of that stuff anymore."

When I called him on that, he tried to say that he was only kidding. But kidding or not, that was exactly what was happening.

Of course, like so many men do, he blamed it all on me and the way I was acting. I was just responding to the stranger in front of me...and trying to see if the other guy would come back. I had such hopes. I missed the other guy. This one wouldn't even hug me when I asked for a hug. Have you ever been refused a hug from the man who is supposed to care more about you than any other person on the planet? What in the heck is THAT all about? Even Rick never refused me a hug.

He also became very controlling very quickly. I had just noticed that my dog had fleas. He stopped off at the veterinarian's office to get some Frontline for my dog and I appreciated that. But, within a few days, the dog still was chewing himself bald patches and I couldn't stand it. So, I took some flea spray the vet had given me a long time ago and sprayed it on my dog.

The dog hates that stuff and runs around for a while after I put it on him. I sprayed the stuff on him once when Shrek was over and Shrek didn't like it. So, he stood up, walked past me and picked the spray up off of the table next to me. He did it quickly, obviously trying to be discreet but failing miserably. Then, he carried the stuff into my kitchen and poured it down my sink before I could stop him. I was stunned.

He justified what he did in a hundred ways but there was no excuse. That dog is mine and so was the spray. They both fall under the category of chattel and I own them both. He doesn't have to like what I do to my dog. If he has a problem with it he can call the cops...but he can't stop me.

If a guy will do that when you're just dating, can you imagine marriage to him? I get the shivering willies just thinking about that.

Anyway, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed that a guy could change so quickly. But...this one did. Months of spending a LOT of time talking to this guy and I had no clue at all what he was capable of.

Of course, that guy never sent me flowers...the new guy did! Maybe that's a good sign. And of course, maybe it's not. But, I'm looking forward to finding out!

See ya!

Meg

3 Comments:

Anonymous Di said...

Happy Sunday Meg :)

You are right - keep your eyes open. While many men give flowers as just a "nice" thing to do, sadly, the nasty ones believe that giving flowers will woo you off your feet. Literally :). A ploy to get what THEY want that has little or nothing to do with respecting you or your feelings or emotions.

I had one guy give me flowers....that he had stolen! *run away!*

August 20, 2006  
Blogger mylifeatfullspeed said...

Woohoo!! on the flowers!

I hope daisy dude turns out to be a genuinely good guy. You deserve a little happiness when it comes to a relationship.

:)

August 20, 2006  
Blogger Meg said...

I'd settle for just a nice guy who wants to hang out a couple of times a week. That'd do it.

Rick stole a bunch of flowers from outside of a K-mart to give to his first wife...and she called the cops on him and his friend (who helped him).

So, I should have known.

:(:(:(

August 20, 2006  

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