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Hi. I'm trying to think of another description to put here. Any ideas? I'll try again at 420.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

OOHHH EEMMM GEEEEE!!!

I have no words:


Yep, now we know:



Mom, it hurts when I pee:


Michael Jackson must have seen this:





2 Comments:

Anonymous Marie said...

You just printed most of my thoughts!!!! I love your writing!! And I love my big sis!!!

October 31, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Hey girl, if that was MOST of your thoughts, I'm a little concerned for you!

Love ya back Slick!

November 01, 2010  

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Friday, October 29, 2010

If I weren't getting...

..so used to the inequity of political correctness, I would be stunned at this:

http://www.blackpeoplemeet.com/index.cfm

The Fresh Prince happened to be on TV while I was surfing the Internet and of course, the commercials are aimed toward the largest audience for such programming, black people. For a moment my jaw dropped as I watched the commercial that caught my attention as soon as I heard "black people meet" in the background. My head turned and I saw this:





To be sure, I checked http://www.whitepeoplemeet.com/ and was redirected to a dating site for Generation X'ers that never once mentioned race. I don't know why the term was linked to that site...but it was.

Is it any wonder that this country is so divided politically? We have a mulatto President who can tell those different from him to "sit in the back", white women who can be called "whores" for their beliefs and a Congressional Black Caucus that has as it's goal the following:

"achieving greater equity for persons of African descent in the design and content of domestic and international programs and services."

Oh yeah?

Between the Black Congressional Caucus, the NAACP and numerous leaders of African descent elected to public office, one would expect the status of blacks to rise somewhat. Certainly, many blacks have risen above the restraints placed upon them in the past...so much so that we have elected a mulatto man to the most powerful office in the world. Unfortunately, that man would have us divided as a people because "divided we fall". A fallen people are more easily controlled and a Socialist government is nothing if not controlling.

We are supposed to "celebrate diversity" in this country. Why? Are we supposed to concentrate on differences between people? Is that what equality is about? YEA!!! You are different!

How about celebrating accomplishment? Has that occurred to those who would preach to blacks the evils of the white people and imply that they are somehow genetically inferior to the point that Affirmative Action is required for black people to have a chance at success? Who is the racist in that situation? Are black people not as able as whites to succeed as a white person?

Go back to the year 1945. If given a choice, would you rather be:

1. A European Jew with all of his belongings on a stick carried over your shoulder?
2. A German in Russian occupied Berlin?
3. An Eastern European sacked by the Nazi's and then robbed by the Russians?
4. A Japanese person living amongst the ruble of a war torn Japan?
5. A black person in America?

How is it that within 3 years of 1945 the Jews had their own country with an army strong enough to win a war? How did Germany become it's own united nation? How did Eastern European countries come back from the evils perpetuated upon them by the Nazi's and the Communists? How did Japan begin exporting goods to the United States within a few short years of it's own devastation? None of them were assisted by the NAACP and many of these groups could be considered non-whites.

What did the future hold for black Americans?

1. An illegitimacy rate of 22% in 1960 that today is measured at 68%.

2. A racial composition of the US population as of 2008 was 79.79% White American...12.84% African American yet US prison and jail population as of 2008 was 13.44% White American...60.21% African American.

3. A nation where 90 percent of black children will be clients of the national Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program (SNAP/Food Stamps) at least once by the time they turn 20.

4. A city like Chicago with Democratic leadership (including Jesse Jackson, Barrack Obama and the entire Rainbow Coalition) where you can STILL find remnants of devastation from the MLK riots evident decades later in predominately black neighborhoods.

5. A nation where the "N word" offends more whites than blacks.

I don't see how the NAACP can be called anything but an utter failure. But never let it be said that they miss a chance to blame whites for all of the ills of black society. Today the Tea Party is the latest target of racial slurs made by many in the Democratic Party. I think that the Tea Party should invites black leaders from all walks of life to come to their meetings, even saving the front row for them. Allow them to ask questions and request that they point out the racist tendencies exhibited by the Tea Party members.

Fathers of all colors are being dismissed, demeaned and demonized in this nation and that is simply shameful. In most of the animal kingdom, females care for the bodily needs of their young while males teach respect and responsibility.

Consider this one example:

In a conservation effort several decades ago, orphaned elephants were moved from Kruger National Park to Hluhluwe-Umfolozi Reserve where there were no elephants. They grew up without the influence of their mothers or older bulls. It is thought that without role models they didn't know how to behave and were taking out their aggressions inappropriately on the rhinos. Older bulls were brought in to teach them how to behave themselves.

Of course there are many mothers who can raise respectful and responsible adults, but in a strong country built by strong families, how can we justify the disposable nature of fathers and families?

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Finding a usefulness for the NAACP is like finding a usefulness for the KKK. There is nothing useful about any of these race-baiting, racist organizations.

October 30, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Both have no place in our soceity anymore. It only gives the members a reason to feel important.

October 30, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

same with Haiti. the French went there and lived like kings until they were butchered. Turned Haiti into a major exporter of sugar, indigo, and cotton. WHY can’t the Haitians do the same? We can’t keep carrying this self destructive minority anymore, they are holding us back. We can’t afford to pamper the self destructive anymore. It’s not that they don’t know better or haven’t been taught better. It’s like they cherish being aliented and miserable.

October 30, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

“How is it that within 3 years of 1945 that the Jews had their own country with an army strong enough to win a war? How did Germany become it’s own united nation? How did Eastern European countries come back from the evils perpetuated upon them by the Nazi’s and the Communists? How did Japan begin exporting goods to the United States within a few short years of it’s own devastation?”

These cultures and countries are the ones that had pride in a work ethic, self discipline, and a respect for authority and society. They didn’t get a scapegoat, they got a shovel and started working.

October 30, 2010  

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Thursday, October 28, 2010

Why You Shouldn't Sleep And Shoot

BOULDER, Colo. (AP) — Police said a Boulder man who told police he woke up to a "bang" and realized he suffered a gunshot wound to his knee likely shot himself while sleepwalking. The Daily Camera reported that 63-year-old Sanford Rothman told investigators he had no clear recollection of the incident early Tuesday morning. No one else was in Rothman's home at the time.

Boulder police Sgt. Paul Reichenback said that Rothman keeps a 9 mm handgun near his bed and takes presciption medication for pain. Police said no alcohol or illegal drugs played a role in the incident.

Rothman was treated at a hospital and released.

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Proof of time travel


Here you have it folks, proof that time travel is possible. This "woman from the future" is chatting on a cell phone (or scratching her cheek) in this previously discarded clip of film from a Charlie Chaplin movie filmed in 1928. Sadly, this callous wench refused to warn us about Hitler, the JFK assassination and Obamacare, but nevertheless, many believe this to be proof of visitors from the future. Alrighty then.

It would have also been nice if she told us what Obama meant when he said, "We've done things the American people don't even know about." That comment was made on last night's airing of The Daily Show. What a YIKES! moment that was! Just when I think he can't top the last stupid thing he said, he surprises me with a new and improved stupid elucidation. Last night's remark almost made his "Republicans must sit in the back" comment seem innocuous. At least that assertion was outright, but don't you want to know...what the heck IS he doing that we don't know about?

The media has ignored the fact that Obama, the first mulatto President, made that racist "Sit in the back." comment. If Newt Gingrich had said it, he would have been lynched. With all the talk about separation of church and state (a term that is NOT in the US Constitution...neither will you find a right to privacy) it would be nice if we could separate media and state.

Long gone are the days when objective journalists reported the news as it happens. Instead they've been replaced by partisan yahoos who call each other, and the party they do not support, everything but ethical. If you can't see the bias in CNN or FoxNews, simply watch the one you don't usually watch and as you see the demonization of your own party, perhaps you can go back to your own channel with a more critical mind.

By the way, did you know that most, if not all, college curricula do not require a single course in Logic for a degree in Women's Studies? That explains so much.


TO BE FAIR, HERE IS THE OTHER SIDE:

http://diaryofmydivorce.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-answer-to-question-is-time-travel.html

10 Comments:

Anonymous Rod said...

There must have been at least TWO time travelers. That woman must be talking to someone else on her cell.

Who is the other person?

October 29, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

LOL, we'd have to hear her. If she was saying, "Beam me up Scotty" we'd know there were space travelers from other planets. Maybe she was in that Star Trek episode where Jim and the gang went back to gangster days! Too bad Chaplin's movies were silent.

October 29, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm sorry but the woman must be scratching her cheek. To be able to talk to someone else on a mobile, the phones would have to be sending and receiving signals from a sattelite that doesn't exist in the time the photo was taken.
NOT PROOFOF TIME TRAVEL

January 07, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Damn...and I thought that we had wrapped up the entire mystery. You, of course, are right.

:(

January 07, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

OMG! Why didn't I think of the blue tooth ear piece? This time traveler would have had to travel from the 80's to have a phone so large! Duh.

January 07, 2011  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I wonder what wireless company her phone was connecting to? :P

February 10, 2012  
Anonymous June Purcell said...

oh my god i know this a comment on a picture but i think the founder should get an award for being so brave i also have cancer... <3

May 20, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'm sorry but the woman must be scratching her cheek. To be able to talk to someone else on a mobile, the phones would have to be sending and receiving signals from a sattelite that doesn't exist in the time the photo was taken.
NOT PROOFOF TIME TRAVEL"

Although it's possible that she's just scratching her cheek, but if time travel was to be real in the future, it's not too far to assume that someone has created a relay device that can send directed radio signals to the time she came from.

October 04, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

>1 paragraph about time travel.
>3 paragraphs about Obama.
>Title is "Proof of time travel".

At least make your article about what the title implies it will be about. Silly republican, you have to think before you post. But I suppose anyone with a brain would know Romney will never make a good president.

As for the time travel part, I can't see what's going on in that picture at all. I think it's more likely that she's just scratching her neck.

February 05, 2013  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

First of all, I'm not republican. Secondly, only a nasty human being would go out of their way to leave a nasty comment on a post that's supposed to be funny.

Have a nice day!

February 05, 2013  

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Wednesday, October 27, 2010

My friend/roommate...

...has had her identity stolen. She has an alert on her debit card that let's her know whenever a purchase is made for over $20. One morning the phone rang to tell her that a purchase for over $800 had been made at a Lowes Store in Rockford Illinois.

After many calls to the bank and to Lowes, we found out that it had been an online purchase for merchandise to be picked up at the Rockford store by someone claiming to be Steve Hanson or Hansen, we didn't get the spelling. The same person had made 2 other purchases, all for large amounts, also to be picked up at the Rockford location. The other 2 purchases were made on 2 other credit cards. (Now, it could be a coincidence that Ron, my friend's ex, lives near Rockford.)

When we spoke to the Rockford Lowes, they said that we couldn't be given any other information since my friend had already notified the bank of the disputed claim. But, since it was an internet purchase, I thought to call Lowes internet center and get the information without telling them that the purchase was fraudulent. I didn't have an order number but I had the card number so the rest of the info was easy to get. This Steve gave a street address as Sweetbriar Lane in Elgin Illinois. Chances are slim that it's his real address or name for that matter but whomever used her card to buy the stuff must have known that she lived in Elgin or else that was just another huge coincidence.

This isn't the first time this has happened to her, actually it's more like the third time so I can't believe that one person would have this happen continually unless the same person was committing the crime.

In the meantime, her ex has been making major purchases of another sort such as a laptop computer and a new cell phone. He has also been taking the kids on trips and paying for them with credit cards. This yahoo has never had decent credit except for the time he spent married to my friend.

When she met him (through a dating service) she had just lost her decent husband of many years and was in quite a vulnerable state. Since her first husband was in a wheelchair, they couldn't have children and my friend was desperate to have a child. Between her desire for a child and the recent loss of her husband, she quickly entered into a marriage that was as stupid as the one I entered into with my idiotex.

When they wanted to buy a house for their planned family, she paid off all of his debts, including the huge fee that he owed the dating service through which they met. This was before internet dating services that are much cheaper today and apparently, this older type was quite costly. After she paid ALL of his debts, she married him, bought a house for him and his 2 daughters, paid all the bills while he spent most of the marriage unemployed.

During the marriage, he opened a "business" that required 8 grand worth of tools yet he only had 2 customers, both family friends. I've seen his work around this house, I wouldn't recommend him to anyone but my idiotex. During the divorce, he wanted all of the tools and almost got them until she told her attorney that she was still paying off the 8 grand owed on them.

When they did separate, she paid his cell phone bill and let him have a debit card for gas so that he could visit their kids. She was eventually awarded sole custody of the kids because his attorney quit when he refused to pay the man what he owed him. Then, he blew off the court date so my friend got everything she asked for, namely the kids, the house and the debts.

That wasn't enough for him. He is currently taking her to court to get the child support "modified"...downwards...because he has been unemployed for so long that he lives on unemployment. Our wonderful government is consistently increasing the time that one can collect unemployment so no one knows when that will really run out. His child support comes out of the unemployment check and he has a problem paying what he owes her even though the taxpayers are paying him to live with his adult daughter.

When the government increases unemployment benefits for another 6 months, this is who they are helping. Just thought you should know.

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Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Liberals have been...

...getting away with comments that would end the careers of conservatives for years now. The hypocrisy is overwhelming. Now Obama said that "Republicans can come along, but they have to sit in the back."

Is it me or is that one of the most revolting things that he has said yet? I know it's hard to top some of his outrageous comments but I expect an apology to be forthcoming for that particular slur. Of course, I won't hold my breathe.

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Apparently there's a storm...

...of some sort headed for Chi-town and since I'm relatively close the the Windy City, I thought I should get out a post before it knocks out my power or cable/internet access. I've been outside already and it seems rather warm for this time of year but the winds are certainly whipping up. I can't imagine that there will be a leaf left on a tree by lunchtime. Of course the moniker "Windy City" has nothing to do with the velocity of the blowing air, but it certainly does blow enough to make most believe in that false notion. Today is no exception.

My ex is more the type to give the Windy City it's name, he's a died in the wool blow hard. (By the way, do not confuse that ex with my idiotex, they are 2 totally different ex's.) He's also a gadget dude, he doesn't by useful gadgets like lathes, he buys stupid gadgets like Ronco products. My friend, a perfectly rational person (ordinarily) has made a purchase that would make my ex jealous. She purchased a facesucker for her daughter, wrapped it up and called it a birthday gift. In case you've never seen a facesucker, here it is:



You see the suction cup thingie? That's what you apply to the offending facial lesion and, according to the package, it will magically be sucked off of your face. I think it is, in reality, a beginner's vibrator. Kids can call it a facesucker all they want, but like my mother's face massager...we all know it serves another purpose.

Ooh, there are some ominous sounds emanating from outside...I must go see what is happening. BRB.

Uh...yeah, that's a storm. This is gonna be fun.

Today I should be able to accomplish something. For the past week or so I've been so tired that I wondered if I had cancer again. I've tried everything that I could think of, drinking more coffee, drinking no coffee. I've tried drinking more water, taking ferrous sulfate, multi-vitamins and afternoon naps. I've tried whatever I could think of to wake my tired self up but nothing has worked. Then, this morning, before I took my morning dose of Zyrtec, I read the bottle. Sure enough, it causes drowsiness. I usually don't get drowsy from medicine, not even medicine that really, really causes drowsiness like Xanax. But, apparently, Zyrtec has thrown me for a loop...whatever the hell that means. So I didn't take it today. Maybe I'll be able to stay awake although if Chicago does, in fact, have the "worst storm in 70 years", I doubt that it'll help much anyway.

I sort of wish it were colder here. I've been in the South for so long that I haven't seen a decent blizzard in a very long time. I'm sure one good one will cure my longing for snow but that first snowfall should be fun.

OK then, I've discussed facesuckers, my Zrytec problem and the weather. I think I'm done for now. Oh, and by the way, I bought that t-shirt when the Bears were 3 and 0.

PS The Zyrtec I took yesterday morning just wore off and now I remember why I took it in the first place. I'm SICK! Now I need to take more of it. Night night.

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Monday, October 25, 2010


Yesterday I went to...

...Wal-Mart. I was looking for something stupid called Silly Bandz. If you are "in the know", you are aware of those ridiculous things that little girls MUST HAVE. They are rubber bands in the shapes of many stupid things that become plain old rubber bands when used for their intended purpose which is to wear on the wrist.

Silly Bandz are the Pet Rocks of today with one exception...you could leave your stupid rock at home and therefore keep your inane purchase a secret. To experience the thrill of Silly Bandz, one must wear them out in public to let everyone know that they have spent hard earned cash on rubber bands.

I wandered around Wal-Mart like an idiot trying to figure out which of the numerous colored rubber bands were the right ones to buy for a little girl. As with any other popular fad, there are many knock offs and I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to get Googly Bands, Disney Bands or the only one that made a lick of sense, Gummy Bands. At least you could stick the last bands in your mouth and chew them, the others were simply fancy rubber bands that you pay 5 bucks for. Had it not been a birthday, I would have never considered making such a purchase.

As I wandered, confused and baffled, throughout the store, I finally saw a little girl about the right age for Silly Bandz. I asked her, "Do you know what Silly Bandz are?" She immediately pulled up her sleeve and exposed a wrist which was full of shapeless bits of rubber. I had chosen the perfect silly person to ask so I showed her my collection of packaged rubber bands and asked her if it mattered which ones I bought.

She responded heatedly, "Oh yeah! You can't get Googly bands! They aren't the same at all!"

Now to me, the difference was similar to the difference between white eggs and brown eggs after they've been scrambled in a frying pan. But I certainly didn't want to see the disappointment on the face of a newly 10 year old little girl who would have to face her classmates wearing lesser rubber bands on her wrist. So, thanks to the silly little girl, I found the right Silly Bandz. Standing in the check-out line with those ridiculous things in my cart, I felt as vacuous as I would have felt had I purchased a National Enquirer. Luckily, I wasn't alone so no one could tell for sure who the financial nit-wit was, although the odds were 50-50 and usually, I prefer them a tad better than that.

Anyway, the little girl was happy which was my mission in the first place so I guess it was worth my shame.

Lest you think I'm a true idiot, I should also mention that I did NOT buy another Bears shirt. Shopping after their humiliating loss to Washington, I noticed that the prices had gone up 10 bucks to $35 over the past week. Had they been on a $3 clearance sale, I might have considered it...for a minute.

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Saturday, October 23, 2010

I disagree with...

...about 90% of what Juan Williams says. But, as the seemingly outmoded saying goes, I'll defend to the death his right to say it. I didn't know he was working for that illiberal, intolerant, tendentious bastion of sectarianism known as NPR. Now that he's been fired for expressing his honest, and might I add, understandable, fear of flying when he sees people in Muslim garb, I am aware of his employment status.

For years I've been saying that feelings aren't good or bad, they simply ARE. Ask any therapist working today, especially those who claim to be liberal and they'll tell you that honest feelings are there for a reason and are not the "feelers" fault. They are what they are and you can either keep them to yourself, lie about them or, God forbid, discuss them openly.

Contrary to popular opinion, I have feelings of my own. Here are some things that evoke an emotional response from me:

1. People on motorcycles without helmets because I've seen the damage that can be done in bike accidents.
2. Children crossing the street without looking either way because I've seen a kid (and had one of my own) hit by a car.
3. Baseballs flying my way because I was hit in the head by one.
4. Angry men because I was hit in the head by a few.
5. Phones that ring in the middle of the night because that's how I learned of my mother's death.
6. Greyhound buses, once again, because I was hit in the head by a suitcase on one of them.
7. Dentists because they have long needles and drills that they want to put in my mouth.
8. Bugs because of a waterbug incident in 1962 that I won't go into here, it's just too icky.
9. Pelvic exams for many reasons, not the least of which is the lack of a nice dinner before the act.
10. My ex who has created an atmosphere in which my children believe that membership in a Hate Mommy Club is the only way to be totally accepted by daddy.

Now, some people may think that my fears are grounded, others may think I'm being totally silly. Nevertheless, an angry man or a large spider will send me running away without hesitation. Justified or not, my emotions are what they are.

And, like Juan Williams, I am most certainly alarmed by people in Muslim garb...on an airplane, at the post office or behind the counter at the local convenience store. I do my best to keep my emotions at bay but the simple truth is that ALL of my fears are learned fears. Something unpleasant happened and I react in a way that nature and the will to live dictate.

I don't blame squirrels for running away when I walk towards them and I don't blame Juan Williams one little bit for expressing his honest feelings about people in Muslim garb. His own life experience, as well as his human will to live, have combined to create a perfectly understandable fear.

Nothing on my list-o-fears comes close to the fear I feel when a United States government sponsored media outlet begins punishing ANY citizen for espousing his own fears, opinions or religious beliefs.

6 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Simple answer I am not afraid of any muslim, I carry a Colt 1911 45 auto.

October 23, 2010  
Anonymous bah said...

I agree with you...to a point. Anyone can express what they feel or think. However, he worked for an entity that did not allow for that much freedom of expression. Just like I would expect to be rudely fired if I praised my employer's biggest competitor in public, he knew what he said would bring the hammer down. He's either really dumb or really smart, as the backlash is most likely going to make him rich.

October 24, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

I understand what you say and would absolutely agree with you if it weren't for the types of comments (like retributive justice would have Jesse Helms' grandchildren getting AIDS) that actually ARE allowed. Williams has been a Fox News contributor for years and as such, has every reason to believe that he has been given tacit approval to speak his mind. But you are absolutely right about this making him bigger than ever!

October 25, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did you worry when you saw people with overt christian symbols after Oklahoma City, or any of the numerous abortion clinics?
People of all faiths kill others in the name of their "god".

Put yourself in that typical muslim's shoes..the ones you see in the supermarket, or at the airport. Do you think they are happy that their religion forces them to dress like that? Don't you think they would give anything to blend in? But in their own country, they are villified, hated and feared simply because of their religion. I don't fear them, I feel sorry for them and all the blatant racism they must face EVERY SINGLE DAY.

October 25, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

That's a totally different topic. My point was that as well as freedom of religion, we in America have the right to speak our mind. I was at Heathrow airport and watched women in burkas get on planes that would take them from free countries to countries that would stone them to death. I simply did not understand that. As an American, I, too, am villified and hated by people who could stay in their own countries but chose instead to murder thousands of Americans in the name of their own religion.

But back to Juan, he was being honest. In Skokie Illinois, Nazi's were given the right to march in a predominately Jewish area. I doubt that many people would allow the KKK to march amongst muslims in this political atmosphere. As I said before, I don't have to agree with you, I simply have to applaud your right to speak your own mind, and I do. That's my entire point. We have something that Iraq doesn't have, The American Constitution.

October 25, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

By the way, I do not belong to any church, I simply believe in The Golden Rule.

October 25, 2010  

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Friday, October 22, 2010

It's a bit after 2 AM...

...and I woke up after one of those dreams that I used to have where, frighteningly, I'm still married to Rick. This time I was me, the today me, but somehow I was still with that louse.

Dreams being what they are, I can't understand them, but I can tell you about this one. For some reason, our bathroom was a 2 seater and my girlfriend walked into the bathroom and sat down on a toilet next to my "husband" who was on the other crapper. I was a tad taken aback but I trust my friend so I decided to be the curtain and I stood in between the 2 of them. (Yes, it was a nightmare.)

Rick kept trying to look around me to see my friend and being the sweetie that he is, he said it was just so that he could see if she needed toilet paper. When everyone was done with business, I followed the bum into the next room where I decided that I wanted cash. In my mind I knew what was coming in our relationship so I saw no reason not to get a few bucks from him.

He took a wad of cash out of his pocket and ripped a five off of it. I grabbed the wad a la Judy Jetson, leaving him with the five, and ran into another room where I shoved it into my shoe. He chased me but I was far too quick for him and besides, I caught him off guard with my larceny.

Unfortunately, like the ice cream dream, I never did get to spend the cash, but then again, neither did he so it was all good. Then I woke up, saw that it was 2 in the morning so I turned on the 2-3 AM Family Guy hour that I somehow seem to be awake for most nights.

That dream was cool because I knew what was coming as opposed to our actual marriage where I never knew what the hell was going on. In the dream I even thought about the comment a few posts down where a chick said to get cash from men up front. I hope I have more dreams like that because next time, I'm not going to stop at theft, I'm gonna hurt that cretin.

:)

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Wednesday, October 20, 2010

10 Tried and True Helpful Hints For Raising Children

1. When a kid wants to stay home from school, make him/her/it stay in bed without a TV, computer or video games. A kid too sick to go to school is too sick for anything else. Also, stick to the BRAT diet (bananas, rice, apples and toast). By noon they will be begging to go back to school. Unless of course, they're really sick, in which case you have done the exact right thing.

2. When a kid doesn't do an assigned chore, don't do a thing at the time. Sooner or later they will ask you for something. For example, if they fail to do the dishes when asked, wait until they want to go to the mall. Tell them that you would love to take them, but, unfortunately, you don't have time because you have to do the dishes that they didn't do earlier.

3. When a kid whines after you ask him/her/it what time they'll be home, rephrase the question. Ask them, "If you should be tied up, gagged and stuffed in the trunk of madman's car, how long should I wait before I call the police?"

4. If your kid doesn't finish dinner, let it go. Then, when the little weasel asks for a Ho-Ho...under NO circumstances give it to him/her/it.

5. When a kid lies to you, lie right back. Say that there is a 20 dollar bill hidden in the living room and if they clean the room really, really well, they'll find it. After the room is impeccably clean and they have found no cash, say, "I lied. I thought that we were playing by YOUR rules now."

6. When a kid writes on the wall, give them a damp washcloth and tell them to clean it. Do NOT put soap on the washcloth. After about a half an hour or so, let them stop, spray 409 on the spot and wipe it off with the washcloth.

7. Anytime a kid says, "I'm bored!", happily give them something to do. Depending upon their age, cleaning under kitchen tables, washing windows and pulling weeds are great deterrents to boredom.

8. When a kid says they don't like what you've made for dinner, tell them that dinner is for nourishment, not for enjoyment. If they like it, cool. If they don't, tough nuts.

9. If a kid refuses to flush the toilet, aim properly or replace the used toilet paper roll, get a screwdriver and remove the lid...seat and all. Tell them that they get the lid back when they learn to use the toilet properly.

10. When driving and the kids are making too much noise, even after you've asked them nicely to be quiet, simply stick a CD of your favorite songs in the car stereo, pump up the volume and sing, sing, sing!

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I had the weirdest dreams...

...last night. The first odd one had me in a hotel room with some old guy who I didn't know. Nothing sexual happened although throughout the dream I knew that I was "obligated" to have a bit after I stopped stalling.

The room was the NEATEST room that I had ever stayed in. It actually had an ice cream freezer a la Baskin Robbins. The cones were HUGE so I grabbed one and filled it with the bestest mint chocolate chip ice cream that I have ever had. As I was finishing the cone, my "date" returned from someplace, I didn't know where and I didn't care because I was pigging out on my ice cream cone.

He returned with a giant cone of his own so naturally I asked him where he got that giant cone-o-ice cream. He told me that they were serving it in the hallway so out I went to find my own, second, ice cream cone. According to one of the hotel workers, the ice cream kiosk on my floor was closed for the day. About that time, his boss came by and scolded him for not telling me that I could go to the floor below and get more of that wonderful concoction.

OMG! What a treasure I found! They had so any different kinds of ice cream that I had a hard time deciding which kinds to put in my cone. The cone was huge, bigger than the room cone, so there was plenty of room in it but the options were overwhelming. I had to do what I do at a Chinese buffet, take a little bit of everything. I actually remember some of the ice cream flavors. They had bubble gum, rainbow sherbet, ice cream with Jell-O squares, mint chocolate chip without chips but huge chocolate swirls instead, pralines and pecans (I still don't know what a praline is but damn, they're good.), frozen custard and countless others that I don't remember. Of course, they had whipped cream, toppings and that chocolate stuff that hardens on the cold ice cream. I was in ice cream heaven. I was about to eat my cone-o-plenty when I woke up.

Naturally, as in a sex dream, I was quite disappointed that I wasn't able to finish my glutinous endeavor. But, I did know where there was a huge box-o-mint chocolate ice cream. All I had to do to get it was get out of bed, walk downstairs, go to the kitchen, find the biggest bowl in the house and then get the ice cream out of the freezer. I dished myself out the hugest, behemothic bowl of ice cream that I could manage.

Now, you should know that it was my friend's ice cream. I could have asked her if I could have some but she was sleeping so soundly on the couch that I didn't have the heart to awaken her. Besides, there were 3 half gallons of that stuff and although I took so much that she would surely notice my larceny, it wasn't like I took the last of it. AND...she IS a doll so even if I DID take the last of it, she probably would have forgiven me before the holidays.

The other dreams were stupid so I won't bother with them, but I do wish I could put them on You Tube.

BTW, I never did have to have sex with the guy in my dream which was cool because I didn't want to, not one little bit. I don't even know why I was with him in the first place. Besides, a guy that I really DO like is the one who gave me the key to the room. Using that room to get giggy with another man is MUCH, MUCH worse than eating my friend's ice cream without permission.

:):):)

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Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Now THAT'S a Confident Man!


There was a time when I used to smile when I thought about the time that I dated this guy. That was in the 70's and he wasn't wearing eye shadow. Well, after seeing this picture, I will deny dating him until the day I die. 80's be damned, I don't do guys who wear make up. Ever.

So he was in a band...that doesn't make it right. Bret Michaels would have been cute if he had laid off of the eyeliner and for a minute, I thought George Michaels was cute until he put on hot pink shorts and danced in them and we all know about him.

My friend above gave me my first hickey and I got in a LOT of trouble for that stupid thing so this is my first chance to get back at him and I will do so by asking, why on earth did he have a rope wrapped around his right leg?

I also wonder if he tried the vest on at Nordstrom's before he decided that it fit his physique just right. And the jack boots, this IS Chicago but you wouldn't wear a sleeveless leather vest in winter so why would he be wearing boots a la Hitler? I don't know what's going on with those pants. They look like corduroy but who knows?

The holster may or may not contain a gun which would explain the boots. And this is probably one of the last pictures of this guy with hair. The hair must have been falling out already because he seems to have poofed it up a bit. Let's see, blue eye shadow and poofed hair...I never saw this guy in my life.


BTW...more proof he's bald, he wears a baseball cap almost all the time.

6 Comments:

Blogger Ashton Creek said...

Well now that I let the world see this ....and I let you have your fun...I feel I must clear a few things up...
1st) it was a Halloween Gig and part of a costume...
2)I have never and will never wear corduroy
3)I may have lost my hair ....but not my class....
4)I don't always wear a baseball hat...( sometimes it's a cowboy hat) hey gotta keep the head warm somehow baby it's cold out side ...hell in here now for that matter...
5) and while you now deny me I feel it only fair that the rest of the world know that it was you who kept the hickey alive in your dreams for almost 40 years....and for what it's worth....you were fantastic then...and ...today ...yeah I guess you still are.

October 21, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

A Halloween costume? Oh...then never mind.


:)

PS I own my half of that hickey. after all, I sat still while you sucked.

October 21, 2010  
Blogger Ashton Creek said...

Oh damn!!! I should have tried that....sitting still... maybe you would have ........whoops never mind.

October 22, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

But I DIDN'T. Thank you for letting the world know I used to be a good girl.

:)

October 22, 2010  
Blogger Ashton Creek said...

Yeah yeah....guess I missed out on the "Bad Girl " Stage....too bad for me huh?ans

October 24, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Not necessarily.

:):):)

October 24, 2010  

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Can You Pick My Brother Out Of This Picture?


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Monday, October 18, 2010

I've just woken up...

...to another lovely middle of the night. The humans I know are asleep but my nocturnal friends are all about. I saw the neighborhood fox and a bunch of bunnies. My nighttime contemporaries are nice and quiet so I like seeing them first thing in the morning. The people I know...not so much. Before I greet them for the day, I must make sure that my xanax is in full force.

It's not that I don't like them, I do. I absolutely adore them. But, they are humans and humans tend to annoy be without even trying. My current human roomies like me back and make me feel special. I'm even considering adopting them as my own family. They treat me better than my birth family treats me so I'd be a fool not to enjoy my membership in this family.

I'm the oldest of 6 kids and the only time I've seen most of the others since my mother's funeral (in 2001) was at my nieces wedding. I do have one sister who keeps in touch and I adore her. She isn't perfect, but none of the kids in my family are. But, that one sister is the only one who has honored my mother's dying wish, "Tell my kids to take care of each other."

The rest of them seem to think that since Mom's dead, she won't realize that they dishonor her every single day. It's all good, my mother would have forgiven them, she was that type of person. I don't know how she raised kids who would carry a nameless grudge to the grave...but she did.

I have one brother who hasn't spoken to me since the 80's, I don't know why but he was always weird...another who likes Bruce Springsteen's lyric, "man turns his back on his family, he ain't no friend of mine." Well, he knows I'm 20 miles away from him and car-less but no matter how many times I call him, he never offers to bring me over to his place for a Bears game. But in his defense, he is totally pussy whipped and his wife won't allow him to spend time with his own family, preferring instead to take him to her family's place. My entire family has bitched about that for years but to no avail. I have a sister who is only friends with those who have something she needs but only until she gets whatever it was.

Then there is Marie. Marie has nothing but the decency to honor my mother's last wish. When she calls our siblings, they don't return her calls. When she needs a place to live, they don't offer her shelter.

Thank God for the nutty family I'm with now, they are everything a family should be, kind, caring, thoughtful, concerned, forgiving and full of unconditional love.

:)

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Saturday, October 16, 2010

I wish there was...

...a pretty picture to look at instead of this boring Publish page. It's not like I look up when I type, how the hell would I see the keys? I am a hunter and pecker from way back. BUT...I AM good at it. I could win an Olympic Hunter and Pecker contest. Nevertheless, I would enjoy a pretty picture occasionally.

Anyway, I came here to peck at you about my visit to the Oprah Show this past Thursday. Although I was disappointed in my quest for a car, I was lucky enough to get an X-Box. Now, if I could only figure out what that thing is, I might be happy about it. Someone told me it's similar to Pong so I guess it's a video game of sorts. Whatever. I wanted a car. Hell, I would have settled for an old, beat up Pinto at this point.

Oh, by the way, I saw Susan Boyle and some little girl from a show called America's Got Talent. She sang too, like an opera singer. Mo' fun. Then, the amazing singing sensation, Debbie Boone stepped up on stage to belt out her one and only pop-hit, the name of which eludes me at the moment. Oh yeah, You Light Up My Life. If I had known it would be a 70's flashback I would have dropped some acid before I left.

I should mention that I was given 4 tickets. Obviously, my BFF was coming with me. I have a sister-in-law here who would have liked it but I can't get her or my brother to return my calls. My BFF had some friends too but I've met her next-door neighbor so I asked her. She said her daughter would like to go so without thinking, I said that was fine. My tickets were gone. So much for MY daughter's friend!

The neighbor's daughter is huge preggers so the Oprah staff grabbed her and "one member of her party" out of the line so that she could sit closer to a bathroom. That move led to great seats. Me and my BFF remained in line for the next 2 hours waiting for our seats. Our numbers were 328 and 329, so guess where we got to sit? If you guessed the very back row, you win nothing but the right to be called right.

So, my glasses-less self was so far back that I only knew Oprah was there when the audience went nuts. All I saw was a black blur (That wasn't racial, she was wearing a black dress.) Now, that Greyhound suitcase hit has left me deaf in one ear so at this point, I'm down 2 eyes and an ear.

That leads to the person stting on the side of my head that can hear. She was a 60 year old "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" lady. She "WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-ed!!! at every opportunity. Before the O even came onto the set, I was deaf in that ear too. I offered to change seats with her but that would have lead to a Rubik's audience switch that confused the Oprah watching group that surrounded me. I suffered through the woooo's until the singers came out at which point any sound that did make it to my brain had to be muffled with my left middle finger. I was protecting myself and flipping off my assailant at the same time.

By the way, I know Boone didn't lip sync because they probably use a really good recording for the sound and even with my muffled, deaf ears, I could hear the age in her crackly voice.

Now that I have finished whining, I shall go rejoice in the day the Lord has made!

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Friday, October 15, 2010

Found on Twitter

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and one good reason to do the breakfast dishes.

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This morning I woke up...

...in my usual lethargic state. I immediately did the toothbrush thing by rote and then continued my robotic movements into the kitchen to make my first cuppa. Before I finished making my caffeine in a warm beverage, I read a note that my friend had written to herself. She creates a To-Do List every evening to let her know what to do when she wakes up. Yeah, typical Type A personality trait, I know. Personally, being the Type B that I am, I pretty much wing it through life. It might not work as well but think of all the time I save not writing lists!

The last item on today's list was to "Go to school to speak to Mr. Verticchio about bully Sierra." I knew what she meant in an instant. Sierra, a hideous creature who loves to abuse those shorter and shyer than herself on a daily basis has been bullying children for years. If you could see her, you would know that her girth alone would intimidate her carefully chosen victims.

The neighborhood children have a brief respite during the summer but as sure as the leaves turn colors in the fall, Sierra begins her reign of terror. Her victims are ALWAYS white (or non-white friends of her victims du jour) so in my opinion, this behavior borders on a kiddie hate crime. At the very least, it adds racism to Sierra's list of terror tactics. That, added to the threats she has made that involving killing and torturing the family dog, makes her an intimidating figure to a short, quiet Asian girl that I know.

Last year she chose a young man as her main target. But he doesn't go to school with her anymore. So, naturally, she has chosen the young man's younger sister so that Sierra can continue abusing the young man by proxy. Verbal abuse being harmful enough, Sierra is now physically assaulting little girls and we will be pressing criminal charges against her today. Without going into details (unless I eventually have to), this has been a problem for years and Mr. Verticchio is, and has been, aware of the conflicts. Unfortunately, Sierra's family refuses to deal with her but that's OK. In her own home she can only hurt the people who live there. In school, she can hurt innocent children entrusted to the school by hopeful and decent parents. That's when Sierra becomes a SCHOOL problem.

Hey Verticchio...PROTECT THOSE KIDS.

Now that Sierra's bullying of little girls has begun again in full racist force, I will be going to Creekside Elementary School in Elgin Illinois today to give Mr. Verticchio one more chance to squelch this situation before some poor kid jumps off a bridge.

Wish me luck.

Postscript Sierra has been suspended...AGAIN!!! What is "stinking thinking"? I believe it is repeating the same actions and expecting different results. Hear that Mr. Verticchio?

Post Postscript It seems as though MANY parents are sick of this kid's bullying. I wonder what concerned parents are capable of when they organize?

Randy Verticchio has allowed a bully back in school after a one day suspension. Not your ordinary run of the mill bully, but a dangerous, violent bully. Call Creekside Elementary in Elgin Illinois and let him know what you think.

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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Although I AM opinionated...

...I tend to express those opinions online or in person. My friend, not so much. Her political views can be obtained by perusing her T-shirts, bumper stickers and coffee mugs. This morning I am drinking out of a mug that assures the reader that "There is a woman on the job." so we can all "Relax."



Maybe it's because I actually like my father, brothers and sons...maybe it's because I know capable men and airhead women...maybe it's just because I have a sense of fair play. But I find that to be a totally offensive, albeit politically correct, coffee mug. And now I will be boycotting it. I shall pour my coffee into the equally silly but nowhere near as offensive, "Jesus is your forever friend" mug. (My options here are limited.)

Obviously some people think that the sexist little mug pictured above is cute, fun to drink from or even desirable. To them I ask, which of the following mug captions would be equally cute, fun to drink from or desirable:

1. Relax, there's a Caucasian on the job!

2. Relax, there's not a Mexican working today!

3. Relax, we don't hire old people!

4. Relax, there's a Jew balancing the books!

5. Relax, the woman is off today!

6. Relax, only skinny people work here!

7. Relax, we don't allow liberals in here!

8. Relax, we fired the black guy yesterday!

9. Relax, an Asian is on the job!

10. Relax, I'm out of ideas.

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Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Obama SO doesn't get it

What an interesting idea Obama has submitted:

Make the GOP work with him.

Well, why not? After all, didn't Obama force his own party to work tirelessly with Republicans over the past two years?

Einstein further suggests that republicans will have to move in his direction no matter the outcome of the Nov. 2 vote.

Naturally. Why wouldn't the GOP screw the people who elected them to counter the disaster that is Obama? Don't all newly elected politicians jump ship the day after they're elected?

Then, Mr. ThickSkull threatens that "the American people are going to be looking to them (the republicans) to offer serious proposals and work with me in a serious way."

It takes an IQ above 12 to figure out that if we want people who work WITH Obama and his cronies, we would elect those knotheads on election day.

Oddly, Obama is "a little taken aback that voters are disappointed with the current turn of events in his administration."

Take this aback Dude...WE'VE BEEN SHOUTING IT FROM THE HILLTOPS...STOP SPENDING OUR MONEY!

Obama mused that, "The mythology has emerged somehow that we ran this flawless campaign..."

I never accused him of doing anything flawlessly. Did you?

"It's pretty clear to me based on this interview that the president is saying, 'I've given up, You're on your own,'" said Democratic strategist Doug Schoen.

Duh. That's been the main theme of his entire political life...unless he's speaking to bums, terrorists or illegal immigrants.

He fears we consider him, "the same old tax-and-spend liberal Democrat."

If it walks like a duck...

Obama said he also realized too late that "there is no such thing as shovel-ready projects,"

Shovel ready? AND run by the government? You don't need an entire government to screw up a "shovel ready project". Hell, a 4 man committee will do it much more cheaply.

"Right now what I'm hearing from Democrats is the president is only useful for fundraising,"

LMAO!!! Fundraising? Sure he's useful at that. Funds are like taxes...they come from someone else who worked for them. Obama is nothing if not good at taking cash from people who earned it.

"I think he's more out of touch than anybody ever thought if he believes the problems are from marketing and not substance. Cap and trade its not a communication problem it's a substance problem,"

How could he be wrong? He went to Harvard!

Health care is "just too hard to explain" to voters.

No, voters are too smart to fall for that particular con.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Uh oh...again?

I remember when The Natural Look...

...was what we women spent our hard earned money to strive for. I spent a lot of time primping so that I would look like I just jumped out of bed all primped up. If I really woke up looking like that I wouldn't have bothered, but alas, I do not look my best in the mornings. Most mornings I write to you looking pretty damned frightening.

And...I have perfume. If I smelled like Obsession I wouldn't spray any on me. I wonder if our natural smell was all perfumy...would we eventually start to spray on body odors so that you would KNOW that we showered?

That made little sense and I am aware of that fact. But...that's the very situation that we seem to have now. Of course, we don't smell like perfume, but most of us are pretty clean and don't smell like body odor either. So...since we silly females have gone and cleaned ourselves so well, we have to remind men of what we really smell like. For that reason, I introduce Vulva to you...a new perfume that is...exactly what you think it is.

I was going to post the link to the ad but it's pretty hard core so if you want to, you can just look it up yourself. And I am not pulling one of those stupid jokes where I have everyone taking their cars to be fixed because of a muffler virus...you really will find a perfume that smells like funky female coochie.

It doesn't say it smells like a "funky female" but what other kind of woman goes around smelling like...pussy? Only a truly funked up woman would make anyone standing next to her say, "Oh my...what is that...oh my...God...it's...pussy!" And then you have those cologne whores who wear so much that they can stink up an entire office, bus or restaurant. I don't want to eat my Grand Slam next to some bitch who follows any fishy fad that comes along.

That explains a few things. I was thinking that my ex could have done more to keep himself odor free but perhaps it was just a gift from one of his mistresses...."Taint for Men...The cologne that will remind her of the 69 you guys did last week".

That's all I need. I'm telling you right now, the next dude I do is gonna be one clean mother fucker. I don't want anymore 69 surprises.

You know, you get quite a view from down there. And once you're really into it...it's kinda awkward to get out of in a hurry. You could open your eyes and see a tiny piece of man shit all dried up and hanging from an ass hair...how do you get out of there in a hurry?


I guess that's the price we women pay for our struggle to stay on the bottom. I am so into the bottom that I once dumped a guy with a bad back because I couldn't imagine a future with a dude who HAD to be on the bottom. There is no future in that...I don't mind an occasional trip up top, but I don't have the energy to take over the top spot in the lovemaking department on a permanent basis.

Oh well. I think I need a shower...but I'm wondering, like my fingernails, should I just take advantage of what God has blessed me with and go au naturale? Unfortunately, long, stringy, oily hair isn't in yet. I think dudes can get away with it but chicks can't.

I'm positive that my ex didn't know about that pussy perfume. If he had I'm quite sure that I would have heard this, "A guy at work brought some of that new pussy perfume in to show us and he sprayed some at my face...I swear!"

I would LOVE to hear from the first wife out there who DOES get that excuse from a husband who comes from "work" without washing his face. (If you DO hear, "I was walking through Nordstrom's and the perfume lady attacked me with her pussy spray!"...please email me. I want to write a book about your husband.)

Oops...I have to answer the door. BRB.

OK, I'm back. I was half expecting the Avon lady to come by and try to sell me a knock off on pussy spray. OMG! It just occurred to me that some company will come up with a cheap, imitation pussy perfume that Walgreen's will sell along side of the real pussy perfume. The only thing worse than pussy perfume has got to be cheap, imitation pussy perfume.

I'm working on my own idea...Crotch for Men. I'll market it in San Francisco first and if it goes over, I'll take it national. Then, I'll finish my other project, a unisex perfume for men OR women called Ass in an Atomizer. I've had to put that product on the back burner for now because the atomizer's cost more than the Ass. Once I get some start-up capital, I'll get it on the shelves.

I am selling stock so if any of you want to buy a few shares of my company, Funky People Fragrances Inc., just let me know.

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Check it out!

I just got "impossible to get" tickets to Thursday's taping of The Oprah Show!

:):):)

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I'm not saying my ex is the Fort Hood shooter...but...




4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

There is something not right about that man.

October 12, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Yeah. He has no eye teeth. Figure that one out.

October 12, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here's the optimistic lesson I think we should learn from this: first, dont date anyone that looks this ugly. And if he turns ugly while you're involved with him -- loses his hair, etc -- dump him --- no matter how much you like him. Til we start doing that, they will never shape up for us and they will be the ones that have to keep themselves pretty to compete for us. Second -- forget marriage -- get cash. Marriage is only for financial security -- you can have love without marriage -- so ask for cash at the start of each day/date you spend with him -- juost for him to have the privilege of being with you. After all, since so many men are socialized to see women as dirt/babysitters/maids and use them, they should pay us just to take a chance on being with them. NO ONE needs to marry them and tend to their shit chores! When you have the cash, you may still be emotionally hurt, but you will not financially be in a bind in any way. Again, when all women start doing this, think how free we will be, and the men will have NO choice if they want to prove their "manhood" (whatever that is) by impregnating someone and marrying her.

October 13, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

There are so many things that I want to say in response to the above comment but it's 3 AM and all I can think of is this:

I LOVE THE CHICK WHO WROTE IT!

October 14, 2010  

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Good morning folks!!!

I hope you all had a nice 3-day weekend. I'm sure the teachers did.

My intention was to write something amusing but like the night at The Funny Farm, I'm empty. I have no excuse like liquor, weed or noise...it's just so early that I'm the only one awake, it's still dark out and I've already been outside to feed squirrels and rabbits. I had a couple of rabbits show up, but the squirrels seem to be hitting their snooze. Luckily, no foxes have crossed the street yet. They frighten me.

My friend's kitchen is great for feeding animals. Almost everything in there is expired. And I don't mean they expired last month, I mean they expired last year. So, naturally I am feeding it all to rodents outside, much better than feeding them inside. My friend is 18 months away from a starring role on Hoarders and refuses to throw away anything. She was never like this before but it's absolutely enigmatic what a dreadful spouse can do to a perfectly good person. No one knows that better than I. Of course, that's not to take away personal responsibility, but hell, some yahoos can really do a head trip on a person.

Anyway, I've fed the animals about 50 bucks worth of dried apricots, raisins and nuts this week. The raisins were so old that they had developed their own little raisin Bettina all over their surfaces. It was enough to make me wear gloves but not enough to refrain from feeding them to the squirrels. I figure they can smell poison. Ooh, I sure hope they can.

My goal here is to eventually become that crazy old lady who feeds squirrels right out of her hand. Wish me luck.

To that end, I should get out there soon. The short, hideous bi-ped mammals will wake up soon and then life is over until they leave for school. For some inexplicable reason, the 2 kids each go to schools that stagger the times. One kid leaves early and comes home early. The other, leaves late and gets home late. That leaves very little time for mental health in between kiddies. 3 AM is pretty much all I get so off I am to feed the creatures that CAN'T talk back!

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Monday, October 11, 2010

My friend and I...

...can be rather caustic and biting in our daily banter. We do it because we're both Irish and we both know that a well timed "Go fuck yourself!" is not necessarily a negative exclamation. It can just as easily be as funny as shit when used well. My friend Karen and I can bring our own dry wits to new and improved levels. Currently we are borrowing from The 40 Year Old Virgin as we query each other with, "Do you know how I know YOU'RE gay?" We have few other mutual friends because when together, we feed off of each other and become rather involved in a sarcastic/facetious humor contest and we will make great fun of whatever anybody says. So, here we are, left alone to amuse each other.

When I was married, my idiotex would whine, "I never know when you're kidding!" I explained that one quite simply..."If what I'm saying is silly, I'm only kidding. But if what I say makes sense, I'm serious." He couldn't quite grasp that simple concept. Whatever.

My kids also seemed to be occasionally confused about that problem as well. Once, as I had two of them jerking me around in the grocery store, I proclaimed, "I have a gun and I know how to use it!" I was at the end of an aisle and after my sharp but silly threat, I walked around the endcap just in time to hear my lovely daughter begin chatting again. She knew I didn't have a gun (or at least she figured out that I wouldn't shoot her).

Ah, but Timothy. Poor Timothy...he knew me not. For it was in a quivering, soft and frightened voice that he scolded my daughter all by his brave self, "Are you CRAZY??? She has a GUN!!!"

Now, I shall publish this much while I finish a list-o-stupid stuff I said in the 80's that wasn't true but the kids didn't figure out until the new millennium.

OK...finished:

1. No kids, they do NOT change the words of songs on the radio. I just said that to cover up when I forgot the words.

2. Ann, you're right...there is no marshmallow tree. I just didn't know where marshmallows came from.

3. I did NOT have a gun and if I did, I wouldn't have known how to use it in 1986.

4. Son, your schnozz is not Michael Jackson's original nose. Now that he's gone, you should know that.

5. No, there aren't tiny bugs that live in food to eat the leftovers they find in your mouth, cause cavities and can only be killed by toothpaste and a toothbrush.

6. I never really saw anything moving in the corner...that was just something funny to say after I tucked you in, turned off the light and was about to shut the door.

7. Speaking of bedtime, keeping your eyes and mouth closed for 20 minutes didn't really make you stay awake for the rest of the night.

8. I wouldn't have whipped you in the Ladies Room any more than I would have done it at a restaurant table.

9. There is no "little bird"...kids are just stupid enough to state categorically that, "I did NOT eat the Snickers Bar!" with chocolate all over their faces.

10. NO, there was not a skunk living under my bedroom window. :)

BUT....THERE ARE BEDBUGS!!!!! Hahahahahahaheheheheheheh!!!

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Sunday, October 10, 2010

OMG!!!

OMG! OMG! OMG!

OMG! I don't know what the hell to do. I made a huge boo-boo and now it's there for the entire computer literate world to see. I want to crawl under something truly large, heavy and stealthy. Maybe a fake rock would do. It would need to be a HUGE fake rock...with plumbing...but I need that sucker ASAP!

OK, I've calmed myself down a bit after practicing something that I learned to enjoy in California.

OK then, speaking of California, I spend a lot of time there, almost always in LA. Now, I used to do stand-up a lot back east. I had my own show with a cast full of comics that I've watched rise to amazing levels, a few even make a living with their comedy now. Unfortunately, my divorce made stand-up as scary as the rest of life as a divorcee.

But, after a while, I began doing it again, occasionally, mainly because my divorce was so funny in retrospect. Although I've been able to make jokes about my ex, I didn't really see the humor in it until time had passed. Anyway, I was in LA earlier this year and I went to The Funny Farm (I think it was that one, I get them mixed up. BUT...I know where to go when the comics commiserate over a California medicinal herb so naturally, I partook when I got to the comedy club. That was stupid. My material was new, you see. I hadn't practiced it on anyone and I was dumb enough to go to a huge club in LA and "partake" before a show.

Oh, and then we have your run of the mill "Two Drink Minimum". Of course, two drinks is all one needs to say, "Ahoy mateys...let's have four more drinks! We can have THREE Two Drink Minimums!" Now, I rarely drink so two of anything will make me stupid but drinking liquor doesn't help matters. If memory serves, I was drinking whiskey sours. I don't know how many I had, but I'm quite sure it was 3 or more. My guess is more, but not many. Of course, I passed "bright" before I drank 2 so any more than that is bad. 3, 4 or 5...I was stupid at 2. Oh, and I was quite high as well. Medicinal you know.

Anyway, being the newbie that I was to the west coast comedy scene, I was given the coveted LAST spot on the schedule that night. It didn't matter that I was friends with the headliner or that he was staying late to see me perform.

OMG!!! I just freaked again thinking of that!

Anyway, another headlining comedian was taping people for a TV show and he wanted to tape me. "Sure!" I said, "I'll have more of those whiskey drinks first though...I'm SOOOO much funnier THAT way!"

Well, sooner or later, I had to go and perform on a stage with a camera and 2 famous dudes (at least) in the audience. Of course, there wasn't anyone else in the audience, everyone left when they saw the people they had come to see and I didn't even know that I would be doing this, certainly no one else did either.

Oh...it was awful. I got up there and imediately forgot what I had planned to say. I was just tossing out words and wishing I would find myself suddenly sober. But alas...that never happened. At one point I simply reverted back to old stuff and finished with that but I would have rather had a seizure on stage, it's better than being stupid up there.

I forgot all about that hideous experience. And I learned that I'm no Ron White. I have no business mixing whiskey and stuff you memorized within the past 24 hours. As for the dude with the camera? I forgot all about him. Whodda think he would have wasted his film?

Well, he did. And someone just sent me the website...I am truly frightened.

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Now, is it me...

...or is this one sorry TP Rolling job? I HOPE there is, at the very least, a good story behind it. Of course, if there isn't a shotgun or a squad car in the story, there is simply no excuse for this. Anyone who is so bad at rolling a house should go clean it up before the sun shines on this unholy high school prank gone hideously wrong. What do you think happened to put a halt to the Greatest Non Toilet Paper Roll that Elgin, Illinois has ever seen?


What Do You Think Stopped The TP Roll?
pollcode.com free polls



Here is my buddy. His name is Buddy. I like him. He likes my nuts. I break the peanuts open because Buddy doesn't like salt. Hmm, I should ask him if he saw anyone roll that house!

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Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Sorry about the error in the last poll option, that stupid program is very unforgiving with typos. If anyone has a clue, I could use it.

October 10, 2010  

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Friday, October 08, 2010

One of the main purposes...

...of having a government is, according to the US Constitution, to provide for the common defense. Whomever it is that does the ranking, any list-0-functions granted the government has a well trained military way up on top. Lucky for us, we live in a country that has an excellent military.

Our nation is dotted with MEPS centers where "experts" do their level best to weed out any undesirables, for whatever reason they may be deemed as such.

Los Angeles has a HUGE MEPS facility and a LOT of men and women go through it to test for the "hardest job they'll ever love". It would be nice if we were all ensured that only the best is there to choose the best of the best to put out there on that "wall" to which Nicholson referred in A Few Good Men.

But, sadly for us (and those next to some new recruits in battle), 'America...we have a problem.'

A man named Christopher Kelly is holding himself out to be a physician in the Los Angeles MEPS center. The problem is, although he claims to be licensed in Hawaii, he is not. Maybe he's licensed in California, right? After all, that's where he practices. But...guess what? Nope. Be a good sleuth on your own. Look up "Doctor" Christopher Kelly in both states. Then, for the hell of it, call the MEPS facility in LA and ask for Dr. Kelly. You can even ask him what he does there. Go ahead...I dare ya.

The only catch is that you have to bitch to someone about it once you have the facts in front of you.

Ciao.

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How do you know when you're over your ex?

1. "Your song" becomes fun to listen to when you're with someone else.
2. The fantasy of assassinating him seems less pertinent in daily life.
3. When you remember his antics, instead of thinking, "I hope he suffers exquisitely for that.", you simply shake your head and walk away.
4. You also shake your head when you realize how ugly he really was...but THAT one is on you.
5. You finally realize that you will NEVER want to look at him again so you finally throw away all pictures of the fool.
6. You don't WANT his team to win but you don't go out of your way to WATCH them get beaten.
7. Karma has arrived in the knowledge that he has to live with himself...and that's just fine.
8. You realize that as long as your hair may be, you could pass a follicular "EX" test.
9. Not ALL men's underwear reminds you of the skid marks he left in his. Actually, it wasn't just me...most underpants don't have any of them!
10. He's no longer "stuck in the middle with you". Now he's the clown to the left of you or the joker to the right.


:)

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Why I Can't Stand Kids

1. They live right here in the house.
2. They don't flush the toilet.
3. They talk to me.
4. They use the computer.
5. Three words...Dora The Explorer.
6. They don't like broccoli and I'm sick of green beans.
7. One of them just asked me a question.
8. They lie about brushing their big orange teeth.
9. Leftover cereal needs to be sandblasted out of the bowl.
10. I have to be nice to them, no matter how much I want to smack them upside the head.

It occurs to me that, except for Dora The Explorer, my ex was just like a kid. Of course, he was like a kid that screwed anyone who held still, but childish nonetheless.

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Thursday, October 07, 2010

To you!



Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

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Wednesday, October 06, 2010

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Tuesday, October 05, 2010

OK...

...I've stared at the Windows Media Center pic-O-psychedelic thingie that they play along with the music. "The music" is an eclectic mix of songs that 70's dude made for me. It contains great songs like LuLu's To Sir With Love and Del Amitri's Roll To Me. Beatles, Loggins and Messina and early BeeGees are peppered amongst the other songs from my youth that I still enjoy listening to.

He even put Sugar, Sugar by the Archies on the disc. That's almost as dangerous for a man as is driving a pink car. But, as 70's Dude would say, "It takes a REAL man to drive a pink car." He said that in front of a car salesman who concurred...but he DOES work on commission. I offered to leave the two of them alone but they didn't take me up on it. To be fair, the pink car was a brand new, tricked out Challenger and the color was, according to the brochure, Furious Fuchsia. Whatever.

The Archies, if you don't know...were a group only seen on Saturday morning commercials. I had the album and the cover only had a group of nondescript teenagers dancing in some nondescript room in a nondescript house. They actually had studio musicians play the songs. It was like Hannah Montana without the irritating father, pasties or Achy Breaky Heart. At the time, you couldn't admit to being an Archies fan but 40 years distance has made it cool, so that song is on the CD. Of course, so is a Carpenter's song...but I can deal with that.

Today I have to go to the dentist. I don't want to, but sooner or later you can't avoid it. I think my last visit convinced the Doc that he needs to give me laughing gas if he wants to accomplish anything. If there's one way to distract me, make me laugh. I can NEVER stop once I get started so that might prove to be a mistake as well...but it must be done. It'll still hurt me, but that will lead to a funny thought and I'll start giggling. This should be fun.

I have to write about that 18 year old who I met on the train coming back from LA. I promised him I would and I shall...after I suck laughing gas.

Ciao for now!

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Monday, October 04, 2010

I enjoy drinking my...

...my first cup of coffee on the front porch. I usually wake up a good 2 hours before anyone else in the house wakes up so I have time to sit outside, enjoy the new day and sip my coffee in silence. But lately, the steps upon which I sit have been a bit wet from the morning dew, soon to be frost considering how north I currently find myself.

For the past few days, the temperature has plummeted to temperatures that only occur in Georgia during the dead of winter. That's not quite cold enough to freeze the dew so I've had to put a towel on the step to sit on. It worked out well over the weekend so it was with confidence and a dry butt that I sat down upon my folded beach towel, expecting my usual soft, dry sitting place.

As I sat down, I was amazed at how cold my towel was, and of course, my backside. I actually sat there long enough to make the cold step warm up a bit to less biting temperatures. I don't know what made me decide that it might be warmer if I moved the towel but eventually I did. That's when I noticed my mistake.

Did you know that towels collect dew as well? I didn't. The towel was quite wet and of course, so was my butt. And in Chicago during October, everything is cold so that stupid towel was cold and wet...and I had been sitting upon it for quite some time. What I had perceived as a warming affect caused by the radiation of my ass heat into the cold towel, was actually my ass becoming numb from the cold, wet, Chicago towel. I had quite simply lost all ability to perceive any thermal feeling on my butt...and I also lost the ability to feel pressure, pain or pleasure in the area between my tail bone and pubic bone.

That information did me no good, but I thought it might help a man stuck in Sing Sing. So, if you are currently in that place where men are scared and soap is grasped tightly in the shower, consider sitting on a wet towel in the winter. It works wonders.

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Sunday, October 03, 2010

For Payton...

Oh yeah, ohhh yeeeaahhhh.

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Trimmin' the bush makes the tree look taller!!!

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Friday, October 01, 2010

When I was a senior...

...in high school, my boyfriend and I would literally write the words to 'Wouldn't it be Nice' and send them to each other. Of course, we meant exactly what the Beach Boys meant, "Wouldn't it be nice if we were older and then we wouldn't have to wait so long."

Well, now we are older. And, we're hanging out again. It's been 35 years and a few herniated discs later. The other day, as we hobbled into a restaurant for lunch, he sat down at our table and looked me square in the eye and pondered aloud, "Wouldn't it be nice if we were younger?"

Obviously, the message there is, "Be careful what you wish for." We wanted to be older and now we are. Unfortunately, we eventually went our separate ways and married people who never made us as happy as we were in 1976. It's a new millennium and he has a much nicer muscle car then he did back then and it plays music much better than did the cassette player in his old Firebird. So, the other day, a beautiful day here in Chi-town, we went riding in his newer and cooler car with it's nicer sound system and listened to the same music we listened to in the 70's.

Ah. I had fun. I stuck my right arm out the window and my left arm behind the driver's seat as he sped down the tollway and proclaimed myself, "Queen of the world!"

Luckily, it didn't cause any pain in the 2 herniated neck discs that I got when some drunken yahoo tossed a suitcase at my head on a Greyhound Bus in August. Of course, my lower back was aching, but that didn't bug me until I went to climb out of the cool car that's so low to the ground. We probably don't have any business in that cool car but I can't relent to a old person's sedan just yet.

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