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Friday, July 29, 2011

I finally got the age thing...

...all in hand.

I was over at Hoveround Dude's house and in a moment of acerbic frivolity, I asked him if he ever had hair. We both got quite a laugh out of that one (each for our own reasons) and afterwards, the age thing just popped out of my mouth, "So, how old are you anyway?" He laughed that little, "I just got caught in a lie." laugh that men do so well. I've seen it far too often to let it slip past me unnoticed.

Then he said, "How old do you think I am?" Of course, I'm too smart for that so I told him not to even try to suck me into that conversation. I made some comment that ended with, "...or you could be 69, I don't know." He responded by saying that he "would be happy with a 6." At that moment, I had no problem believing that he was in his 70's. Before I had a chance to absorb that, he said, "OK, I'm 62, I'll be 63 next month." I responded thusly, "I want to see your driver's license."

He showed it to me and it verified his most recent story. Now, I know what he told me when we met and that wasn't it. He told me he was 57. I was dumb enough to believe that because I added this thought, "Maybe he just looks old."

I mentioned that he had told me 57 and he denied it. He even said that I was mistaken or suffering from faulty memory. I said, "I'm not an idiot, you know."

"I'm not calling you an idiot." he said.

"Well, I'd pretty much have to be an idiot to believe you now." was my response at which time he would have done well to let the entire discussion fade away. He should have discussed the music we were listening to but he didn't perform that one act that would have naturally followed innocence in any form. But he didn't. He just couldn't shut up. He made things worse by saying the following things:

1. "I'm in good shape for my age." (I looked at his fat belly and knew that it was taut enough to bounce on.)

2. "You have a good looking guy here." (That was like FoxNews calling itself "Fair and Balanced".)

3. "I know I can act like a jerk but it's just because I'm horny and frustrated." (That was a prize, wasn't it?)

After the last comment, I said, "Is that actually a part of your line?"

He then began to tell me all the things I'm missing out on by not having sex with him. I told him that we could have that conversation when I started asking him for shit. He went on for a bit more and I finally said that I didn't like the quid pro quo nature of the discussion and he denied that was what he meant. Like 57...I knew what I had heard.

I thought to myself, maybe he IS almost 63...AND he looks old. Now I don't know what to believe and I don't particularly care. I could easily believe he had a fake ID. I'm still stunned to think that he actually believes that he is what HE sees, and that I should see the same thing. I'm a woman but that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm a moron. Anyway, after a few more stupid comments, I decided to skip town. So I did.

Well, at least he made me laugh...all the way home.

3 Comments:

Blogger Little Me said...

I have decided, you and my friend Christine are no longer allowed to choose your own dates. Seriously.

July 29, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

I know, right? As I said, this is for a good reason. I couldn't use a decent guy for comedy, that would be mean and nasty.

July 29, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Oh, by the way, I love his dog.

July 29, 2011  

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Tuesday, July 26, 2011

I'm starting to think that...

...all men are liars. Some just lie more than others and some lie better than others. My idiot ex is Casey Anthony good at lying. I'm sure there are men who don't lie, but if I can't find a religion that I can believe in, I doubt that any man is going to convince me that he's an honest dude.

The guy I've been seeing for comedy's sake has offered up quite a few reasons for me to doubt his veracity but usually I just think, "How stupid does he think I am?" Today I figured out that even I didn't know how stupid I was which is sad considering my experience at being lied to. One would think that I would be ready for a lie and usually I'm there with my red flags that are hard to miss. But today I realized that I fell for a stupid lie because the other lies were all so obvious. I've been batting down most lies that have come my way but I allowed an ace to run right by me.

My father referred to the guy as an "old man" and for a second I felt badly because the guy isn't much older than I. Then I thought about it for a minute and I realized that the guy was older than he said he was. I haven't proven it to myself, but I don't really need proof, I just need to slap myself up-side my head.

Stupid lies slip right by me because I wouldn't expect anyone to lie about something so stupid as his age. If I, being a woman, can find it in myself to be honest about my age, why would a man lie about his? I never saw that one coming. But, I did finally hone in on the beacon of that big, fat, stupid lie. Now I have to look for more. Actually, I've found quite a few, I just don't usually have a pen and paper to take notes with.

Ah, it does make me feel better, that guy LOOKED old. I just thought that I was as old as he looked. I should have known that I wasn't, but it's hard to judge yourself when it come to things like weight and age. I knew that I needed to lose 10 pounds, and I really thought I must look close to 60. The 10 pounds was the only honest thing I found in that thinking. It's hard to lie to yourself too much when your clothes don't fit. But age is another thing. I'm please to find out that I don't look as old as this guy does, he's just another liar that lied about something stupid...and he actually IS old. Cool.

That explains the hoveround...duh.

2 Comments:

Blogger FraserRD1 said...

Most guys (meaning about 99.9%) have trouble being totally honest and forthcoming when it comes to women. Also it's "hard" for a single guy to find a woman and when he does, he feels as if he needs to create a 'false' existence or she will not accept him as he is. Not to mention a large portion of the guys nowadays have confidence issues.

July 27, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

AHA! A man who admits that men DO lie! I've been saying it for years and men have gotten somewhat annoyed with me because they fancy themselves "honest". I never asked them to define "honest" or to use actual percentages as did my gentle reader above...from now on I'll be a bit quicker when I defend the aspersions that I may cast out there.

That being said, did my gentle reader defend lies or just explain them? I'm not too sure but considering the fact that he has NO reason to lie to me, I'll assume he was simply explaining Hoveround dude.

I have the same problems, I don't date much and I have self confidence issues. I choose to be honest because I find it easier than lying when I know that certain truths will always come out. I can forgive one of those silly lies that a man tells about his height (I know you all add an inch to your own) but if I eventually married Hoveround dude and then found out that he was MUCH older than he stated, I might have a bit of a problem with that.

Once again, I am dating him for the jokes involved so I'm OK with it all for sure. I just hope his next lie is funnier than this one was.

July 27, 2011  

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Saturday, July 23, 2011

You guys are so smart...

...I posted a poll question (to the left and down a bit on the side bar) asking which drug addicted celebrity would be the next to die. Almost half of you answered Amy Winehouse, a much larger percentage of votes than anyone else received. Well, Ms. Winehouse is now dead. The police have not yet released a cause of death but in the recent weeks she has been cancelling shows and appearing in public quite messed up. Add that to her well known behavior and chances are pretty darned good that her death was drug/alcohol related.

Like Jimi Hendrix, Janis Jolin and Jim Morrison, Winehouse was 27 years old when she died.

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Friday, July 22, 2011

First, let me say that I've just noticed that I AM IN THE FUTURE! There's a billboard down the street that changes pictures all by itself. The pictures are so realistic looking and they change so quietly that this has to be the future.

The only other really silly thing I've heard today is that my idiot ex has a motorcycle. I don't really care for myself, I'm too far away for him to hurt me with the stupid thing. But innocent Montanans should be on the lookout for a bald freak with bad teeth and hideous body odor riding a motorcycle.

Rick didn't really have too much luck with cars, the thought of him driving a motorcycle is insane. Here are a few of his bonehead moves that he committed in the relative safety of a car:

1. Immediately after my mothers funeral, we were traveling onto a highway. Rick stopped on the acceleration lane and looked over his left shoulder to see if anyone was coming. I guess he saw no one because he took off, only to hit the guy who was stopped in front of us.

2. He hit another car doing the same thing only this time it wasn't on a highway, it was just on a small road with a smaller entrance lane. Looking over his left shoulder, he must have felt safe because he proceeded again and, again, hit the car stopped in front of him.

3. Rick was working on our car in the driveway one weekend. He was doing something to the brakes and apparently, after you do whatever he did, you're supposed to pump the brakes. He didn't. So, later when he went to start the car, he had no brakes so he rolled backwards out of the driveway, across the street and through 2 fences into the neighbor's yard. He caused 600 bucks worth of damage but preferred to let the insurance pay for the damage, after he paid the 500 dollar deductible.

4. He was leaving work one day and as he left the parking lot and turned left, his axle cracked in half. The car went forward enough to scrape a permanent scratch into the road so that, to this day, everyone can see the huge divot he left on the street.

5. Even getting gas is a problem for Rick. He was walking into the station to pay for his gas when he walked smack into the glass wall that fronted the gas station. I guess he didn't see it.

6. Rick also had a problem of leaving his girlfriend's make-up and CD's in his car. Maybe he's driving a motorcycle so that his tramps can't leave their stuff all over his ride.

So, somewhere in this country there is at least one nit wit on a motorcycle who has no business on one at all. I don't know about all of them or I would warn you...this is the only freak I can honestly warn you about. Be careful Montana!

PS I didn't ask if he was wearing a helmet because it doesn't matter. Why protect the one place on his body that we already know is totally screwed up?

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Regarding #6: Unless the tramp de jour can ride a bike sidesaddle, I'd NEVER get on that seat-no way, no how. What they'd leave there is a hell of a lot scarier than make-up.
TW

May 21, 2012  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Excellent point and one, I am sad to say, alluded me. I should have thought of that.

May 21, 2012  

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Sunday, July 17, 2011

Answer to "puzzle" in post below this one

Kalei thought that the problem with the paper towel thingie was that it was put in backwards. She's close! As you can see from this picture, I didn't put the roll in backwards, I put it in upside-down. As odd as it may seem to complain about an upside down roll of paper towels, imagine my surprise when my father scolded me for committing such a hideous misdeed. I am a grandmother...when will I be old enough to avoid being a bad girl? Remember, I didn't HAVE to put the damn paper towels in the stupid roll holder!


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Friday, July 15, 2011

What's wrong with this picture?

Earlier today I was cleaning the kitchen when my father walked in and pointed out a blunder that I committed as I was attending to things on the kitchen counter. Obviously I didn't know I had muffed the task at hand. If I HAD known, I would have corrected my gaffe.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to see if YOU can tell what I did wrong! You will find all of the information you need to complete your mission in this picture:

I have since corrected the hideous solecism. I began to take a proper picture but just then the battery died. I am recharging that sucker as I type this. Soon we shall ALL know what I did wrong and how to correct the offending boner.

1 Comments:

Blogger Kalei said...

you put the paper towel roll in the dispenser backwards.... ;) in my house, the answer to the same picture would be "why do we have a roll of paper towels on the counter"......because we don't waste by buying paper products! (I just roll my eyes and sew more napkin sets).....guys!

July 16, 2011  

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Thursday, July 14, 2011

I'm not sure where I am but I'm sure this is a scary place!

These suckers are EVERYWHERE! If you see one, run like Forrest Gump!


When approaching jaguars, be sure to do so from the other side of fence the cat is resting behind...unless you want to be on the evening news.





When it comes to bears, it's best just to stay away.





With a curled up copperhead at your feet, religion plays a huge part in your survival.





Although not usually thought of as a dangerous animal, standing in the "splatter zone" of a hippopotamus can be most unpleasant for all concerned. Not to mention the fact you'll probably have to find another ride home.









Of course, not all of Florida's animals are dangerous. And even if they were, most of us can easily outrun the little creatures. Although this is a VERY large animal, you could probably just out SWIM the little bugger: hen escaping from this guy, you could probably get away walking that straight line like a cop would ask you to walk if you may have had a few too many:





video

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Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A few Do's and Don't's when courting a lady

As I write this, it is ten minutes to noon. As recently as 9 AM, I wouldn't have thought these hints needed to be on a Do and Don't list...but the past two hours have proven otherwise.

1. Do NOT use the word "poop" in front of a lady unless she uses the word first...in which case you deserve each other.

2. Do retire to the restroom when shaving. Nothing says, "I'm covered with whiskers." better than shaving, sans shirt, in front of ANYONE...much less a lady.

3. Do NOT keep your electric razor plugged in to the socket next to your living room recliner. Nothing says, "I'm a lazy bastard." better than performing personal hygiene in an easy chair 6 feet from your television.

4. Do run your fingers through your hair before you answer the door. Maybe a comb wasn't handy but even a 4 month old can find his hands.

5. Do NOT let a lady hear you tell what she already knows is a lie when you are talking on phone. It succinctly and accurately sends the message, "I am a big fat liar."

6. If you have a bite wound properly described using the word "pus" and you simply CANNOT refrain from describing the hella-disgusting wound...don't make matters worse by asking a lady-friend to examine the offending sore and offer an opinion as to what it might be. I don't care if she is a nurse.

7. Never discuss former girlfriends in a negative light. I don't care if she was so nasty that she gave you the clap. And I also don't care if it was in the 80's.

8. However innocent it may be (LMAO!), DO NOT speak the following sentence when referring to your dog:

"Once I started using peanut butter, I could get her to do anything...she really likes crunchy!!!"

9. Do NOT sit there with a huge belly and think it's funny to make jokes about how long it's been since you've seen your penis.

10. If you think that any of the above it acceptable behavior, DO join the nearest cloistered male fraternity.

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Sunday, July 10, 2011

How not to woo a potential girlfriend

This birthday card my be appropriate in some situations, but no woman wants to receive it after 4 dates and before sex:





When the subject of porn comes up and the lady says she has never seen a porno flick, never push a button on your remote that immediately brings up a porno flick...no matter how funny you may think it is.

As tough as it may be, walk into a grocery store and then walk down the one aisle containing the one item you came for...motorized grocery carts do nothing to impress a woman. If you can't walk for 4 minutes, there's little chance of you being able to go to the beach, go out dancing, go bowling or do anything else fun.

When you take a woman out for her birthday, do NOT buy a bucket of beer and the tell your date, "We can stay until the beer is gone." Besides appearing cheap, the lady may prefer a glass of wine. She may even want to stay longer than it takes her to drink 2 beers and for you to drink 3.

When in public with a new woman, do not continuously hug, kiss or ass slap her. Allow the lady to approach you with PDA's.

When your date is eating at your place, do not tell her to share her dinner with your dog. Oh, and don't tell the chick to kiss your dog either...especially when the dog's water bowl is your toilet.

Do not invite a lady over to watch TV and then insist on watching Swamp People.

Oh yeah...never invite a lady to your place wearing baggy shorts and suspenders. Suspenders may be cute with a shirt on, but wearing them alone with shorts makes one look like a redneck.

Never ask a new lady friend to apply triple anti-biotic ointment to an oozing sore on your lower abdomen. (Actually, you'd be better off not mentioning it at all.



There are more, but these are all that I can remember from the dude I hung out with in June.



I remembered a few more:



Do NOT leave an angry message on woman's phone, especially when the phone belongs to her father. "You're full of shit." is no way to win friends and influence people.



When picking up a lady at her father's house, do not sit in your car and honk the horn. That wouldn't work if I were alone, but it's a HUGE mistake when my father is inside with me.



Never, ever lie to a woman about your health problems...especially if that woman is a nurse.



Do NOT your date to "dig" splinters out of your feet.



Don't invite a chick to your house after you've dumped a weeks worth of coffee ground and filters in your kitchen sink.



OH! And most important...do not ask a lady to sit on a couch that has a 9 MM gun under the cushion. I may not have a bubble butt, but my skinny ass is no match for a bullet. Besides, it makes me wonder what's under YOUR chair cushion...an uzi?



I just woke up so give me a while to remember some more lame attempt at courting in the condo I shall never return to.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't see the card!

July 10, 2011  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Man: May I buy you a cocktail?

Woman: Alcohol is bad for my legs.

Man: Do the swell?

Woman: No. They spread.

July 10, 2011  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought it rather cute.

ATL misses you Meg.

July 29, 2011  

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Thursday, July 07, 2011

Let's see...

...the Casey Anthony juror du jour has spoken and parroted the words of others. There just wasn't enough evidence to convict the...ugh...woman of murder. If I hear that one more time I'll puke. Apparently, a good disposal plan is all that's required of any murderer, homicidal maniac or chloroform wielding mother with ants in her pants, is a novel approach to body ditching. Running high on the method list today is your local swamp. Many more points are due you if you life in a hot and humid climate (although swamps will be moist just by their very nature.)

My aunt was killed by a family member as well and those are just the dicks that have the time to do crazy stuff to us...like drive our dead bodies around in Florida, in the summer, in a trunk of a car, allowing rapid decomposition to occur, almost a "baking" of the poor kid. Within 31 days she had time to do something with the body but didn't. I'm not sure what that means, but I know what it doesn't mean. It doesn't mean it was an accident. It reeks of something more sinister.

Now, when mixed together, a skeleton and a lazy sheriff can get a case thrown out. But by the time the body was found, the prosecutor in the Anthony case could only prove what DIDN'T happen. No signs of disease or trauma to the remaining bones means that she wasn't sick and she wasn't shot. She didn't appear to have been beaten or stabbed. But that makes sense because they didn't find a gun, bat or knife in the smelly trunk...they found stink and chloroform in the trunk instead. Two things that WOULD be there if the trunk contained a dead body for any length of time.

Someone drove around with a dead body in their trunk. At some point duct tape was most likley placed over her mouth and nose to keep so much smelly stuff from coming out. That means that the killer actually had contact with the body after death. You would wonder how much contact she had, wouldn't you?

What better way to commit a passive murder than to sedate the child to death, Casey had her standards after all. She would never be so cruel as to manually strangle the kid, but she found an out that she could live with...it just took the added assurance that Caylee wouldn't suffer. That made it palatable. The only other option is that she was tossed into the drink alive and was left to drown. Perhaps if the prosecution used that, they wouldn't be where they are now.

So...Caylee wasn't shot, stabbed or strangled. She wasn't drowned, poisoned or injured...she was just plain dead. And, the ONLY person who could have control over Caylee long enough to do all of this stuff is the one person who cares for the child. I would think that only a parent would expect to have the time to wrap up a body.

It couldn't have been the parents...Cindy's original call to 911 is all it took to clear them. Besides, who ever heard of a crazy, homicidal grandmother? I can't think of one grandparent that has ever been accused of killing a kid. They simply don't murder people. IF they were going to kill people, they would probably already be in jail. Also, neither George nor Cindy ever could have assumed that they would have the time to cover up the death of a child. And whoever was responsible for this atrocity certainly spent a lot of time confronted with the reality of death. He or she was just too much of a twit to actually DO anything about it. Oh, you know what? Casey is a twit!

I guess you could take a few things away from this case. The negation of the phrase, "The truth will set you free." is the first one to cross mind. Then I think of pizza ovens. That's because with pizza ovens, you can Caylee Anthony your victim...leave him or her devoid of all identifying markers or potential evidence. It doesn't matter THAT she's dead, the WAY she died is what matters. The really nice thing about pizza ovens is that they replace the need for juries at all. Everyone will know that you can't convict on a Caylee'd victim so they wouldn't even bother.

If I go into the bathroom with a kid and come out alone, wouldn't you want to know where kid went? If you never saw the kid again, it'd be pretty obvious that I did something to the kid. But if the kid and I drive to McDonald's a couple of times, there's reasonable doubt. How silly is that? Jurors are allowed to take that leap to finish the story themselves. Whatever.

You know what? Casey has already made comments about having another baby. I think we should all get together and warn our sons about her. We need to put a clamp down on our genetic legacy and not mingle it with the likes of her. That's a really, really good idea, especially if your sons are within 200 miles of a potential Casey camp.

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Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Oh, I see...

...men really think crazy stuff turns us on. I've been shaking my head after a guy I went out with last week jumped in a motorized cart when we stopped by the store to pick up citric acid to clean a dishwasher. My "date" drove that sucker around the grocery store like a pro. That's because he is, he does it all the time. As a nurse, I don't get romantic when someone is in a wheelchair, motorized or not. I get that nurse feeling of having a sick person in need of medical care.

I walked into the grocery store and headed straight for the dish soap aisle without being sure that my escort could keep up with me. Of course he could...I wasn't sprinting. Within a minute I turned to check and saw the man straddle a hover-round and then steer right toward me. That was when the potential for romance left, never to return. I knew it then but it was my birthday and we were going out that night. What to do?

I could have read that entire episode wrong. Perhaps the guy was simply trying to "woo" me. I just read about "A Chicago man who was arrested for keeping a four-foot alligator (who) denied Tuesday that he had the reptile as a pet in an attempt to woo women." Oh...OK. So they're just stupid. Maybe this will help:

1. If you fall in love with someone and then they go in a wheelchair, you take care of them. If someone in a wheelchair starts rolling after you, you run away.

2. Alligators do NOT help you get in our pants. They just give us something else to do to AVOID letting you near our pants.

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/07/06/illinois-man-busted-with-alligator-denies-it-was-ploy-to-woo-women/#ixzz1RLwOgwDr

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Tuesday, July 05, 2011

Why Casey got away with murder

1. The prosecutor himself thought the trial was a joke.

2. The defense attorney threw so much crap at the jury that they got confused.

3. The prosecutor threw so many charges at the jury that they got confused.

4. Parents must kill their children in multiples to get convicted of murder.

5. Many jury members had a special relationship with the prosecutor. They've been prosecuted. (The government seems to want to arrest EVERY SINGLE CITIZEN at least once.)

6. We never had a father cry in front of a camera. Where IS Caylee's father?

7. It's been years since a jury has done something hella-stupid, it was just time.

8. The jury wanted to give Casey Anthony another reason to party.

9. The prosecutor acted too much like a prosecutor and the defense attorney acted too much like a defense attorney.

10. This IS Florida, if people can't use a voting machine, how can they figure out the important stuff?

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This is Where They Tried the Murder That Casey has Only Been paid $200,000 Thus Far

The main entrance on Orange Avenue.





A side street full of media trucks.







The bottom floor of the courthouse as seen from above.





Orange Avenue full of trucks.





Close up of major network tent across the street.


Could the media have something to do with the verdict? Ya think? They are mighty vicious.

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OMG.

It's bad enough that Casey is getting away with murder, her attorneys are gloating over it and taunting those who did NOT fall for their tripe. That's sad. There's still a little girl who was apparently murdered by no one. It was an immaculate homicide.

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I feel so badly for Joe Biden...

...because I know what he's going through right now. It seems as though after years of being told that he was doing a great job, his ouster is a viable option if not a fait accompli. And wasn't he told that he was doing a great job? The White House always told US that Biden was doing fine, didn't they? Yep, that's what my man told me before he started hittin' slum skanks.

If the job of a Vice President is to campaign and amuse, Biden has, simply put, been the best. I don't usually notice VP's unless they're spelling or using alliterative speech (ex. "nattering nabobs of negativism") in a particularly witty way. But Joe has been such a swell swain, a sweet Scaramouch and a staunch soubrette. He doesn't deserve this silliness.

I just hope this is another one of Obama's trial balloons and that he will soon see the error of his ways.

I just got back from Orlando and I stopped by the Orange County Courthouse. I literally ran into the Anthony's. I'll be back soon to discuss that...with the pictures that I took.





What do they call the metal part that holds eraser on the end of a pencil?

fer·rule 

 /ˈfɛrəl, -ul/ [fer-uhl, -ool]

noun, verb, -ruled, -rul·ing.

–noun
1. a ring or cap, usually of metal, put around the end of a post, cane, or the like, to prevent splitting.
2. a short metal sleeve for strengthening a tool handle at the end holding the tool.
3. a bushing or adapter holding the end of a tube and inserted into a hole in a plate in order to make a tight fit, used in boilers, condensers, etc.
4. a short ring for reinforcing or decreasing the interior diameter of the end of a tube.
5. a short plumbing fitting, covered at its outer end and caulked or otherwise fixed to a branch from a pipe so that it can be removed to give access to the interior of the pipe.
6. Angling .
a. either of two fittings on the end of a section of a sectional fishing rod, one fitting serving as a plug and the other as a socket for fastening the sections together.
b. one of two or more small rings spaced along the top of a casting rod to hold and guide the line.
verb
7. to furnish with a ferrule.

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