Meg......I’m getting married real soon and I am always worrying about how my two kids will act when I do. We both have kids so it could work both ways. How much am I supposed to act as a stepfather...any words of wisdom for me?...
LOLOLOL, I don't know how wise these words are but I think that’s an easy one. I have the only smart solution to that problem. Of course, first the two of you should discuss everything that you do so you’ll be on the same page. After that’s done, you just do this, be pleasant at all times and don’t say a word about anything unless it somehow affects you or your children. Period. Don’t try to act all Daddy on these kids, just sort of sit back, restrain yourself and say the following (I learned this one from Ralph Kramden.), Pins and needles, needles and pins, it’s a happy man who grins and grins! Say that about 10 times and you should be good to go.
Seriously, don’t say a word, let the natural parent discipline their own kids. Slowly, as time goes by, you will get a feel for what the natural parent expects out of you and you can sort of adjust accordingly. But, when all else fails, just remember, if it doesn’t affect you or your kids, LEAVE IT ALONE!!!!!!!!
Another thing that you’d do well to remember....don’t let your new spouse drive wedges between you and your kids. It happens so easily...to mothers and fathers...they just somehow let the kids fall by the wayside. Sometimes we let stupid things happen mostly because we aren’t really paying any attention. The little things that we do today are the habits that we set for years to come. So, we should really assess our families and the dynamics going on in them every so often.
I wish that I had paid attention to such things before I married Rick. The fact that he could just disappear out of the kids lives after years without so much as a good bye, tells me that I was right, almost 20 years ago one Sunday morning when I thought that he might not have his towel wrapped too tight.
We were lying in bed talking and the kids were watching television, you know, like you do on the weekends. Every so often, one of them would come running into our room to rat out another one of them. Sometimes they traveled in pairs but the message was always the same, “He hit me!”
At one point Rick got sick of that he shouted, “The next kid that rats on another kid gets spanked himself!”
So, when his son inevitably dismissed his father’s empty threats and ratted out my one of my kids, Rick spanked my kid but not his own. What a bum he is.
Red Saab convertible guy told me that his ex and her new husband had an agreement, when my friend has to speak to the mother of his kids about anything, he has to speak to the new husband and it works the other way, too. When the new hubby’s ex wife needs something, she must speak to red Saab guy’s ex-wife. Isn’t that insane?
I learned the hard way that I couldn’t impose my will onto Rick’s kids. The only way that ever works is when both parties are extremely mature and reasonable. If they stand together as a couple in the eyes of the kids, the kids are so much better off. Far too many people are so selfish that they want the new spouse all to themselves. The only people that they don’t mind sharing the new spouse with are their OWN children. I’m stunned by the numbers of men that I’ve known that put up with a wife who verbally abuses his kids at best and physically abuses them at worse. The kids should never be put into a situation where they have to compete for their fathers’ attention and love.
I’ve seen some men who were mean to their step-children, but not as many. I don’t know why that is and it certainly isn’t a scientific study, but I think that men get a bad rap in most situations when they don’t deserve it. I know that isn’t a politically correct thing to say but luckily, I’m not a politician so I can say what I want to say without too much fear of retribution.
OK then...an old, old, old blog buddy of mine sent me this. I thought that it was so true. There are some that I find truer than others and I have highlighted those that I can relate the most. The phrases highlighted in purple remind me of Rick (purple is for his favorite football team, the Vikings.) (You know, I started that but far too many made me think of the mistakes that I made with Rick that I just had to stop.)
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.If a relationship ends because the man was nottreating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't"be friends."A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.Don't settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationshipis you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,why would he treat you any differently?Always have your own set of friends separate from his.Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are, even if he has more education or a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.Never borrow someone else's man!!!
If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships. There is nothing cute about baggage, deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you, a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...notsupplementary.
Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes.
Never move into his mother's house.
Never co-sign for a man.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies.....You'll make someone SMILE, another RE-THINK her choices, AND another woman PREPARE.
OK, that's it for now, see ya later!
Send any comments to: Meg.Kelso@gmail.com