"Be glad that you uncovered this ones mad plans to control your world before it got any farther."
Oh my God...that comment hit me like a ton of bricks. Yes...it is exactly like some madman has plans to control my world! I don't know how I let this happen but I did. I totally allowed someone to take over my psyche in ways that I never would have allowed anyone to do before.
Like I said before, it happened so slowly that I didn't even see it coming. Not right away...I did see it start to happen a while back. But I honestly thought (Here I go again...) that if I waited and spoke to him, he would understand the logic that I would impart to him and he would, sooner or later, calm down and just enjoy our relationship. That never happened. Things just got worse every single day.
It was easy to let it happen because I didn't really have anything else to do. I didn't mind not going out...so he assumed that I would never want to go out again. I didn't mind his company because I was so lonely...so he assumed that I would never need another human being again. I didn't mind so many things because I wasn't doing anything else anyway...so he assumed so many things that I LET him assume. And...I assumed that if something that was really important to me came up, he would say, "Sure babe, if it's that important to you...go ahead. I love you so much that I want you to be happy."
Well...shitfuck. I screwed up. You know...I just mentioned the trip to Europe...I didn't buy tickets, I didn't even go get my passport replaced. I just mentioned that sometime
, I would like to go to Europe alone. And then I spent the next 2 days arguing over every stupid thing he could think of...when the entire problem was that I said I wanted to do something that didn't include him. And...naturally, he told me how I would be NOWHERE if it weren't for him. So, basically...I am nothing but a bum who has him to thank for all that I have accomplished since I met him.
Naturally that means that I wouldn't be a nurse at all if he hadn't helped. Well, the truth is that I was a single mother on food stamps almost 30 years ago and using those food stamps shamed me into going to college and graduating with high honors...while rasing 3 school aged kids. Supposedly, his help negated all of that and even though I've been a nurse for decades...I wouldn't have a job today if it weren't for him.
I bust my ass for 14 hours a night...5 nights a week...to earn a nice paycheck. I care for people, I do all the paperwork (which is now computer work), and I sleep 5 hours in 48 to see to it that my patients are well cared for. But...it was HE who did this...simply by driving me to and from my job. The hands that are typing these words have healed people...the mind that is creating these words has known what to do when patients have gone quite bad...and my own sense of compassion has quieted worried family members as well as frightened patients. Yet, none of this would have happened if I didn't have his help to get from my house to the hospitals that I work at. So, obviously...all of my patients have him to thank, not me.
All that I have earned and all that I have accomplished is nothing. I am nothing. I would be nothing but a body with no hope had it not been for his help. He tells me so in his own words. He tells me what trash I am...in his own words...in a lame attempt to manipulate me and my emotions. I imagine his tactics have worked for him in the past...but not with this bitch. He tries so confidently to make me feel as though I owe him all that I am and all that I have. But if I was such nothing...why did he ever say that he wanted me in the first place?
He says that I used him to get all of his help. Does he honestly think that I would be sitting here with nothing to do and no cash if he hadn't come alone? It may sound a bit crass when I write these words, but the truth is I would have had another man to help me do the things that he has helped me with. And, I've had men with much more in the way of resources in the past. But, I chose him. That means nothing to him at all. Nothing except, obviously, I chose him to use.
Some men would feel honored that a lady chose them. They would be glad to help because they know that they would benefit from all they helped me accomplish. But this one took my intentions as dishonest and desperate. I was never dishonest, I was never desperate. I always had a man here or there to ask for help, I just chose not to ask some of them because I wouldn't have wanted to be indebted to them. I didn't mind asking this one, because he seemed like such a decent soul.
I've heard people say, "He (or she) changed right after the wedding." I never believed that to be true. I never thought that one person could, or even WOULD go out of their way to make someone fall in love with them, only to totally change after the committment was made. Well, it does happen. This one literally changed after I made that comittment. The man that I fell for, the bright and funny guy, the charming man who made me laugh...is gone. He has been replaced by someone who doesn't seem to like me at all. When I cry, he gets angry. I'm used to men who cannot stand to see a woman crying. They usually stop what they're doing and hold me close...and tell me that everything is OK. But this one just gets angry and says, "Stop that bullshit, I'm not falling for it." I never cry to get pity...but when I'm hurt so badly that I do cry...the man who cares for me is supposed to care enough to make that stop.
He has slowly taken control over so many aspects of my life and I let it happen because I had no other plans at the time anyway. I didn't have anyone else to hang out with so he assumed that I never would want to hang out with anyone else...not even my baby sister. I don't really go out much at all, so he assumed that I would never want to go anywhere. And when I asked him to take me to my favorite hang out...he said, "Oh, I would never go to a redneck dive like that...but I will drop you off if you feel the need to go there."
That comment is supposed to make me say, "Oh no! You're right, I wouldn't ever want to go there...I never realized what trash my friends there were...how could I have been so stupid! Thank you for helping me see the error of my ways!"
Well, those people have never made me feel badly...they've always made me feel welcome as soon as I walked in the door. It's one of the few places that I can go and not be annoyed by drunks...my pals there would put a stop to it quickly. I'm NOT trash for wanting to go out and shoot pool...I'm just a chick who enjoys shooting pool! And..I'm damn good at it, too! But, instead of saying, "Man! You ARE good at that!", he says, "Why would a lady even WANT to shoot pool? Don't you want to have people think you're a lady? Well, everyone knows that only sluts play pool!"
And, my desire to go to Europe alone was translated into, "You must be a slut who wants to fuck men in every country you visit!" I was supposed to respond, "Oh! Please don't think that of me...I'm not a slut...I won't go...just to prove to you that I'm not a slut! Gosh...don't think that, I'll do anything to make you think good of me!"
I shouldn't have to prove to my man that I'm not a tramp...he should have known that when he chose me as a girlfriend. But, he uses the threat of being called a slut, a dive-dweller, a user of men and an all around rotten human being as his tools of control. Well, he ran up against the wrong slut this time. I don't care what he threatens to call me...I know what I am and I know that I'm a decent and kind human being. I know that I have many good points, a few bad ones and even some GREAT points! I'm a great friend, a hard worker, a loving human being and a swell person to hang around with. I make people laugh, I can carry on a conversation with a garbage man or a senator. I fit into most every type of social setting in which I find myself. I'm a great dance partner, whether the dance is the two-step or a waltz. I can carry on a converstaion about football, politics or the writings of Plato. I make people feel at ease when I speak to them and they tell me so. In my life I've been called beautiful, bright, witty and clever. I'm kind to everyone and I'm grateful to anyone who has ever done anything for me. I never forget a favor and I'm willing to do anything that I possibly can for another human being, no matter who they are. I would give you the bra off my back. I can navigate a menu at Denny's or in a fancy Parisian restaurant. I speak more than one language and I can muster up the cutest Southern accent that you've ever heard. I can take a sad person and make them smile. I can relate to anyone and put them at ease, in the most tense situations that they find themselves. I respect all people, no matter where they come from. I see the good in everyone and I tell them what I see. I have been all over the world. I have college degrees that I earned with high honors. I've worked in a factory and some of the most world reknowned hospitals that there are. I've done stand-up comedy and I've appeared in quite a few movies. I've met presidents and movie stars. I've worked with congressmen and doctors as well as waitresses and people who wipe asses for a living. I'm an excellent writer and I've been published in world class publications. I also enjoy writing for you guys in this humble blog.
So, if some nimrod thinks that he can make me feel like slime for wanting to do something on my own...LOLOLOLOLOL...he had better think again. There isn't a damn thing that anybody else can do to make me feel worthless. Rick did that so well that all else pales in comparison. Over the past two years I've worked on my self esteem and now I know that I'm not a bad person. To the contrary...I am a wonderful human being and I know that quite well. So, the next time someone tries to manipulate me into feeling like a piece of dirt...I will give them the biggest "BWAHAHAHAHA!" that I can come up with.
Have a nice life...freakoid.