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Friday, July 30, 2010

Yesterday I was threatened...

...by a crazy man who called here asking for my friend...I think. He had an odd accent that we think was Middle Eastern but don't quote me on that...none of us are schooled in accents.

I answered the phone with the usual, "Hello?" to which he didn't respond. He said "Hello" and I responded, "I won't be saying anything else until you say something." I hate it when people disobey the usual phone etiquette guidelines. Once I say "Hello?", I'm no longer required to say anything until a request is made. He finally remembered what to say and he asked for my friend...I think. Then I said, I can't understand you and I don't really care." Then I hung up the phone. I guess that was MY mistake. HIS was calling from an unknown number. My friend never answers those and I only did it to make the phone stop ringing.

After I hung up the phone, I took my dog out for a walk and when I got back, my friend was waiting at the door asking me to come and "Listen to this crap!" I followed her into the kitchen to the answering machine and heard a bunch of messages saying, "You mudder fuking bitch, I blow you!" It took a minute but we finally figured out that he was threatening to blow up the house we were in. He kept calling back, not giving us a chance to call the cops or anyone else for that matter.

My friend said, "That almost makes me want to call 911!" I responded, "Do it! Call 911!" After a couple of quick calls from the creep, I answered the phone and my friend called 911 on the cell phone. I kept the nut on the phone long enough for the cops to get here. I didn't know that the cop was outside on the phone with the crazy dude so I was wondering why they didn't come into the house. I didn't know how much longer I could keep him on the phone. I did keep him on the line long enough for him to say that he would be blowing up the house because of the "lady who answered the phone and said she didn't care about my life."

He didn't know I was the lady so he kept speaking to me. He had originally threatened to blow up the house in one hour and at one point he said that "12 minutes and 37 seconds has past since the hour deadline." I asked him if that meant that the "lady's house would be blowing up in 47 minutes" and he said that it did. At this point, the cop was listening but I didn't know that so I was wondering how many more times I could get him to make the threat before a cop would hear it.

He said that his name was Kevin Brown but I was sure it wasn't. I've met a few Browns and none of them had an accent like that one. Anyway, the cop did come in the house and I looked at him with a phone to his ear wondering how he was tapping into the call. It took a couple of minutes but I finally realized he was on the other house phone...luckily no one could read my stupid thoughts.

After I knew the cop had heard the threat a couple of times I said something that was apparently stupid. I told the caller that I was the lady who didn't care about him and I added that "I still don't care about you." At that point the cop did that CUT! sign by dashing his hand across his throat so I decided that my work was over. I told the guy that I wasn't a professional but I did have a cop and I would be letting him speak now.

The yahoo gave me an address in Peoria Illinois that he gave the cop as well. He also gave the cop his phone number but when the cop called it back as the nut was on the phone, the number rang and rang so the cop knew it was a fake. I doubted that the address in Peoria was any more realistic than the name Kevin Brown so I wasn't surprised.

At some point I think the guy realized that he was speaking with a real cop so he hung up. The cop said that he was probably just some nut...I hope he's right. The cop thought he had a Middle Eastern accent as well. We never heard from him again and the house never blew up so I think we're OK. But, should I disappear from this blog for any length of time, you'll know what happened to me.



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Thursday, July 29, 2010

Is Obama senile...

...or is he simply a liar? After joking that,“This next provision (in the health care bill) is called the Jersey Shorah. It reads, ‘The following individuals shall be excluded from the indoor tanning tax within this bill: Snooki, JWOWW, The Situation and House minority leader John Boehner.”, our President claimed that "I'm sorry, I don't know who that is," when asked about the big-haired "Jersey Shore" bombshell on The View. I guess he was talking to his "audience", women who sit around watching a group of other women chat about the topics du jour.

As offensive as that lie was to women who the President envisions as nit wits never bothering to pay attention to news programing, preferring instead to watch a bunch of yahoos chit chatting about Angelina Jolie and her current victim Brad Pitt as well as other mind numbing Hollywood denizens...it was nowhere near as offensive as was his appearance on the daytime dribble mosh pit. In response to a staggering decrease in female support, Obama decided to help his poll numbers by speaking to us...the fairer of the sexes.

He could have chosen any number of actual news shows on which to spew his knowledge, or lack thereof, about some silly show by which I have not been assaulted. But, as Obama seems to think, he wouldn't find us watching Meet The Press or Face The Nation. Instead, he believes that women's political interests reach no further than the silly diatribes spouted by the likes of Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar and Sherri Shepherd. Of course, Barbara Walters is close to being a news person, but she is obviously a stalwart supporter of Obama and asked no pointed questions of the type she once aimed at others whom she interviewed years, even decades ago. Elisabeth Hasselbeck may be tempted to ask a hard hitting question or two but the few times I have tuned into watch the women of The View, she was skewered for doing so. I'm not sure why a woman of her caliber would even want to continue her employment as a member of that insipid group, but for whatever reason, she is still there.

Should any questions of substance make it through the President's press people, surely no one would dare to follow up his nonsensical answers with a follow up question, preferring instead to keep their jobs and let his non-answers stand for what they are...silly responses aimed at silly women who would never have the critical thinking skills necessary to see that his "answers" are, indeed, a load of crap.

Why would Obama think women to be so stupid? Apparently he's used to women like his wife who I thought would have better things to do as First Lady than to sit around watching daytime fluff pieces. But, Obama tells us that he chose The View because he wanted to find something that Michelle watched. I bet anyone a dollar to a donut that Michelle will see that comment for what it was, a demeaning elucidation meant to imply that she has better programming choices than the news shows which she skips over with her remote.

As long as no Women's Study curriculum in our nation's universities contain one single course in logic, reasoning or critical thinking, we can be assured that the students who graduate from such programs will never have the brains to debate anyone or notice a stupid answer from any politician. But many of us chose other courses of study which taught us a bit about what a distracting answer sounds like. Unfortunately for Obama, we do vote and we don't sit at home watching The View. Any woman who isn't insulted by the debacle to be aired on today's episode of The View is the type of woman that Obama is speaking to and to those women I say, enjoy the bullshit, ladies.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Remember when The Who put out the record, "Won't Get Fooled Again?" I remember it WELL.
And I feel like that song has more relevance in my life NOW than it did even then.

May 20, 2012  

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Tuesday, July 27, 2010

When I get bored...

...I like to read the ads that idiots leave on Craigslist. Some are funny, some sad and some simply asinine. But every so often, there's one that takes the cake.

I would have copied and pasted his ad into this thing along with his picture, but I felt as though you needed to get the full effect of his request and besides, someone might want to take him up on his offer. You never know, there could be a woman out there who has had her face run over by a truck and has no other options but to choose a guy like this one. He only wants you to pay him $400 a month for his services so if you have NO OTHER POSSIBLE WAY TO CATCH A MAN and believe in the tooth fairy, here's the man for you:


Let me know if you like him and if you agree with me that there is something, I'm not sure what, but something a tad Italian about him.



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Monday, July 26, 2010

I've been waiting...

... to tell everybody a secret that I've had to keep to myself for over a month. Now that my daughter is past the 2 month mark, I can tell everyone that she will be giving me a new grandchild next February! I have a strong feeling that it will be a girl but then again, I had a strong feeling that my daughter would be a boy so my strong feelings are less than reliable. I'll let you know how well my feelings work next winter.

Speaking of winter, I'm rather excited about the thought of spending next winter here in the Chi-Town area. I've been so far south or west over the past two decades that I haven't experienced a decent winter for a very long time. I hate hot and it's been Africa hot here for weeks. That makes me yearn for some cold weather. If memory serves, I'll be sick of cold by Thanksgiving but today it's going to be hot enough for me to look forward to the cold weather here in Chicago.

I remember walking to school when I was a kid...I never had to walk very far before the bitter cold made my toes and nose sting from the blustery air that would smack me like my father's belt. I felt so sorry for my cold self that I would want to cry but I didn't because the thought of icicles hanging from my face was a dire thought indeed. Thinking back, the cold winters weren't all that great. Of course, you can always put more clothes on when it's cold but you can only get so naked when it's hot. Oh well, there's always the few weeks of sweater weather to look forward to and I LOVE sweater weather. Now that I think of it, I should probably think about getting a sweater.

It was almost always chilly when we went trick or treating so by the end of October it'll be quite nippy around here. That doesn't give me much sweater shopping time, I only have a few days left of July and August will go by rather quickly. September can go either way so it's really only a matter of weeks before I'll be needing that sweater.

Oh, by the way, over the weekend I single-handedly stopped my girlfriend's son from farting at me. Apparently, he didn't know with whom he was dealing when he started dropping his little gas bombs on me. I guess he didn't think about the fact that I raised 2 boys of my own and one of them was a huge fart lover. Actually, he only loved his own farts...like the little man I'm dealing with now, he hated retribution farts. So, after a while of dealing with this kid's offensive tooters, I remembered how I stopped my own fartmaster from farting at me. I just began farting back at him and I even delivered a few surprise farts just for good measure. After I dropped a silent but deadly on him yesterday, I asked him if he thought we were even. He said that we were and he hasn't farted at me since so I think I've put a stop to him and his little surprise attacks. If he tries to start another battle, I can just go to an Italian beef stand and order a sandwich...with peppers...and make him seriously sorry that he ever tried to out-fart me.

Let's see, my expecting daughter, Chicago-land weather and farts...I think that's it for now. If I can stay out of the hospital long enough, I'll be back soon!



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Sunday, July 25, 2010


The picture above was taken this past Tuesday in the Critical Care Unit of Sherman Hospital in Elgin, Illinois. I spent the past week in that hospital as a result of a bleed in my brain...again. I started out in the Emergency Department, then I was moved to the CCU and finally to the Ortho-Neuro Unit where I spent most of the week. I was discharged Saturday night after waiting for the "bad" nurse...whom I never did meet.

I've spent 30 years in the nursing field and what seems like that much time as a patient in one hospital after another. In all of that time, I've met numerous good nurses and many not so good nurses. But I've never experienced a hospital that had nothing but good nurses, much less excellent nurses. Never, that is, until I spent time at Sherman Hospital.

Imagine my surprise as I waited to meet a nurse who made me feel afraid to ask for help, compassion or attention to my discomfort only to be cared for by one wonderful nurse after another. From the Emergency Department to the CCU to the floor, my experience at Sherman was one that was filled with one excellent nurse, Patient Care Tech or technician of some other sort after another and never have I been so surprised, pleased or satisfied as I was this past week.

I've been a patient at some of the best hospitals in the world, from one coast to the other including Emory University Hospital and UCLA, yet never have I been treated as well as I was treated by the nursing staff at Sherman. The Emergency Department nurses made me feel at ease and less frightened as I learned that I had suffered another CVA. From there I was sent to the CCU where I was cared for by one great nurse after another, including a mother and daughter team who not only made me feel comfortable, but also made me laugh and feel as though I had made 2 new friends after less than 2 days. One of them took the picture posted at the top of this post.

You might wonder why my dog is in the picture. I have a service dog who alerts me to seizures. I've been in quite a few other hospitals but never have I been allowed to bring him with me without jumping through one hoop after another. By allowing him to stay with me during my hospitalization, the staff at Sherman allayed my fear of going into a seizure and therefore, they kept my blood pressure down. It was my blood pressure that was blamed for the bleed in my brain so I'll never know if they kept me from seizing again while I was there.

Not only did the staff allow my dog to stay with me, they readily and enthusiastically took turns walking him so that I could rest easily knowing he was taken care of, further keeping my blood pressure down. The daughter of the mother/daughter team in the CCU created the sign warning other staff that the room they were about to enter contained a dog and except for the occasional employee who was startled by the presence of a such a large dog, the sign made it possible for the staff members to come into my room forewarned of the large mammal in the room they were about to enter.

Had I met one less than extremely talented nurse, I surely would have sought out a member of the administration and complained. Therefore, when I realized that I was being cared for by one wonderful nurse after another, I felt it only fair to report that fact to the nurse in charge of the staff. When I did, I told her that I would be writing about the superb employees with whom I had come into contact. She told me that she would appreciate it and that she would use what I would be writing to let her staff know what a difference they made. Well, that's a no-brainer.

My main problem as a patient was a hideous headache for which I required pain medicine. In the past, when requesting pain medicine, I've been made to feel as though I was tapping the nurse's own personal stash or that I was perceived as a drug addict At Sherman, the nurses were only too happy to bring me my medication when I asked for it. That made me feel quite comfortable requesting the medicine. Their reaction to my requests further kept my blood pressure in check.

At the risk of leaving out some of the staff who cared for me and made my experience much more pleasant than any other course of inpatient care, I'll try to mention some of them. In the CCU, Amy and Cheryl saw to it that I didn't even have to ask for my medications, they asked me how I was feeling so often that I didn't have to ask them for anything. They were the mother/daughter team who made me feel as though I had 2 new friends after my short stay in their unit. The CCU also had a great nurse named Cathy who continued the great care that Amy and Cheryl offered. I don't remember the names of the nurses in the Emergency Department, but their wonderful compassion made a frightening experience much less so. I'm not sure where they worked but Emily and Marcia were amongst the group who made me feel so comfortable along with Elaine, Jhovanny, Kathy, 3 Jens, Dan, Natalie, Gina, Cathy, Sharon and Ryan. Right now, those are all of the names that I remember but don't let that make you think that any of the others were anything less than caring, helpful and skilled. It's just that my brain was the problem so if I didn't think to write their name down before they erased it off of the board in front of me, I didn't remember it. As I do remember their names, I'll come back and add them to the list.

One thing is for sure...if I had met even one Nurse Ratchet, that nurse would have ruined the pleasant memories that I have of ALL of them. It wasn't the fact that I came into contact with a few good nurses, it was the fact that ALL of them were so good that caught my attention and impressed me so.

I can't leave out the ancillary staff who assisted the nurses, walked my dog and treated me so well with ever present smiles on their faces. There was a guy from Transportation who would come to my room to let me know when he was working so that I could call him if Payton needed to be walked, numerous Patient Care techs who saw to my needs so well that I figured they were underpaid (whatever they were paid...they were just THAT good) and Alicia...the chick from Dietary who would go out of her way to bring Payton an occasional roast beef sandwich. The nurse who told me that she considered Payton their patient too made me smile long after she left the room.

When my friend came to pick me up to take me home, I was watching the end of The Pride of the Yankees. I was explaining to her the gist of the story and I said, "I can't remember the name of the disease that killed Lou Gehrig." She responded, "Lou Gehrig's disease?" After a bit of a laugh it occurred to me that perhaps I was being released a tad early. I remember a time when my brain worked better than that. But, should I feel like I need to go into the hospital again, I'll be sure to go to Sherman.

Judy Balcitis wanted me to write about how the great care that I received made a difference to me. Well Judy, I'll never know. Your staff was so very good that they may have kept my blood pressure down enough to allow the bleed to be absorbed before any damage could be done. Thanks to them, I was able to recover quickly and without further incident. Let's just say that they have blood pressure lowering hands and life-saving smiles...all of them.


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Sunday, July 18, 2010

I'm a surgeon now!

My friend's dog had a tumor hanging off of her face when I got here. It had been there for years and her vet, Dr. Minard of Elgin wanted so much money that she couldn't afford to have the tumor removed but the other day the poor thing got the tumor stuck on a part of her recliner and it ripped her lower eyelid, causing her to bleed a lot and the dog whined from the pain. We didn't want it to happen again so I told her to go get a clean razor blade for me to hack that sucker off with.

My friend went to the drug store and asked for a razor blade adding, "I need to slice something off of my dog's face." She went to get the razors and when she opened the cabinet that the razors were in, an alarm went off. I don't don't know why they couldn't have kept the blades behind the pharmacy counter but they didn't. Whatever.

I wanted the single edge and all the drug store had was double edge. The lady at the drug store told her to try the hardware store so she went to Ace Hardware. When she got there she asked for "the kind of blades you chop cocaine with." Her sense of humor is almost as bizarre as mine is...it's no wonder we've been friend for 40 years. I don't know what the hardware dude thought of her, but he told her where to get the blades so she grabbed a box and drove home quickly where I had been applying lidocaine to the dog's boo boo every few minutes.

While my friend was gone, I boiled gauze, tweezers, scissors and the braided floss in salt water so that I could begin the operation. I was ready and so was the dog.

I tied the floss around the stalk that the tumor was hanging from so that I could cut without letting the thing bleed. My friend held on to her dog and turned her head so she didn't have to watch and I picked up the razor blade and approached the tumor with it. For about a second, I hesitated from fear but seeing my friend with her head turned and the dog with the floss tied around the side of the tumor closest to the dog made me decide to just do it. So, I took the blade and sliced off the tumor. The dog didn't yelp a bit so I'm sure that what I did hurt her less than the original injury did. The sucker didn't bleed a bit (the injury bled a LOT). I applied a bit of antibiotic ointment to it and declared the operation over.

Today the boo boo is dried up and the dog is happy to shake her head without the tumor knocking her in the eye. She still seems to like me so I think I did a fine job. I feel good about what I did and I think the dog will be OK.

My friend thanked me but she needn't have...I owe her for taking me in without hesitating for a moment. Now...here are some pictures that you might not want to look at so consider yourself warned.

The orginal sore is what you see here after the surgery:

Here is the tumor itself:


Blogger Peppermint Patty said...

All I will say is GROSS, but I'm a firm believer that if something is not meant to be on or in our bodies, GET RID OF IT!

You are my kind of friend. :)

July 18, 2010  
Anonymous Gib said...

Looks like a nice cat toy.

July 27, 2010  
Blogger Meg Kelso said...

Ooh! Great idea! Now all I need is a cat to give it to! Caryn's daughter put it in a jar so we still have it should we come across a cat with no toys!

July 27, 2010  

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Hi hi!

I went out last night to have a couple of drinks...too bad I don't drink as much as I used to. I only stay up long enough to have 2...3 tops and then I need to go home and sleep. Last night I played pool which is what I wanted to do.

I usually prefer to have competition than to play alone but one must really define "competition". When I got there, two really young guys were shooting pool and I asked if I could challenge the table. They didn't know what I meant. I knew then that I was talking to little boys. They said that I could and I waited for one to lose. One did, and when I walked up to the table, I reached over to the light and pulled the chain to turn the thing on. That's when one guy said, :Oh no...she knew where the light was."

Then the guy I was shooting asked me if I would play for 5 bucks. I offered to shoot him for a drink since I had seen him play and I didn't really want to take his cash...but I don't mind playing for the tab. He came back with this gem, "Let's play for 5 bucks AND a drink". I wanted him to go home and let me wait for the big boys to come out to play. So, thinking it would shut him up, I said, "We might as well just play for 20 bucks a game." That was designed to get him to back off a bit. It didn't.

He tossed a 20 onto the table and so I did too. I put the 40 bucks on the side of the table and racked the balls. Long story short, I played until my original 20 turned into 80. After I went to the bar to order a drink, the kid came up to me and said, "My father always told me to let women win." I would have been offended if I thought he HAD let me win but he hadn't, he just lost because he didn't know what he was doing. I've played enough to know what it looks like when some yahoo lets me win.

Anyway, I think I'll go play again tonight since I have the kids cash in my pocket. I doubt I'll find anyone stupid enough to play me for 20 bucks again, unless I go downtown and play at Chris's Billiards. That play is full of real competition...not little boys who are still smelling their piss.


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Monday, July 12, 2010

Simple Pleasures

Hi hi!

I've spent my morning with a dog and 2 kids. I fed them all with little balking. One kid did try to get away without eating all of his eggs but I told him to take his spoon, fill it with the eggs, shove them in his mouth and swallow. He did it...I was pleased. The dog ate his food as well, that took no urging, just a can opener and a couple cups of kibble. I did some dishes, took the dog for a walk, went to the store and now I'm here.

I wish I had more exciting news for you but that's pretty much my day so far. I did get back at a guy who stood me up last week, he called yesterday and asked what I was doing. I told him I was going to this little place to shoot pool. He said that he'd love to watch so I told him I'd be there by 7. At 7 PM last night I was watching the Cubs lose on TV, sitting right here at home. It rained quite a bit so I hope he got at least a bit wet getting in and out of his car. I also hope he waited for me for a while. That also pleased me.

I discovered some earphones that hook up to this puter and they have made my life ever so much more pleasant. I can still HEAR the kids, but I have a great excuse for not answering them. I adore the little buggers but every so often, I'd like to pretend that I live alone...like now. Ever since I saw Lily Allen at the Wiltern in Hollywood, I've been having so much fun listening to her music and these earphones allow me to do so without my friend getting annoyed. Lily has a habit of using the word "fuck" in her songs and although I appreciate the effort and feelings behind it, I also understand why my buddy doesn't want her kids hearing Allen's 'Fuck You'. I can't believe it took me so long to find that chick's music...why didn't anyone tell me about it? Oh well, I know about it now.

I made a promise that I didn't want to make but if I didn't, I wouldn't have been privy to the story that I heard about my most recent ex-hubby. I can't go into detail but suffice it to say that he is the same lying cheat that he was with me, only now he's doing it to someone else. His karma account is ready to tip over on his head like the truck-load of shit in 'Back to the Future' and that pleases me immensely.

Well, I must go and act as though I have things to do. Very soon I'll be able to have that stupid aneurysm coiled and stented and then I'll be totally normal. Maybe not...but I won't have to worry about my head exploding each time I work out. I'm going to take a chance this weekend and test for my Blue Belt so I have to go practice some patterns and then try to find something more productive to do. See ya!


Blogger Peppermint Patty said...

I enjoy reading your blog. You'll have to visit mine. :)


July 15, 2010  

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Sunday, July 11, 2010

Will men never learn?

I had nothing to do with this one but here is a more recently cheated upon chick's blog:


She doesn't seem to need any advice from me so I won't offer any but I will say that the urge to post salacious info about the lying POS will pass...in about 8 years. In the meantime, just do what you need to do and smile. Actually, you might enjoy this video if you're having a tough time smiling:


Unfortunately, someone stopped us from being able to post the video itself. I could post a version without the video, but the video is SOOOO much better.

I have no desire to annoy my own ex anymore, but if it comes up, I won't hesitate to make him sorry for his latest fauz pas...after all, he refuses to honor my simple request to stay in Kalispel Montana and leave me and my kids alone. I tried acting as though he didn't exist, but he won't allow it. For some reason that I can't fathom, he visits this blog often. He may stop soon when he reads THIS...apparently he has never heard of Statcounter.com and his visits are well documented. How many people can there be in Kalispel? There are only 8 people in the entire state so I feel pretty safe in assuming that the endless hits from Kalispel are from him.

Well, I had my 3 dates and only one was worth repeating. One works for the DuPage County probation department and that's too close to being a cop for my taste. One was cute, but is proving to be dreadfully unreliable. The last guy is a doll, he was a doll in '75 when I first met him and that hasn't changed yet. It is a little frightening to see someone after 30 years...how is it that other people age so much...and I still look exactly the same?


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The Many Faces of Me


Anonymous Kyle said...

Hi Meg,
You look great. I'm glad you're doing better.
Kyle from Knoxville.

July 15, 2010  

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Friday, July 09, 2010


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Thursday, July 08, 2010

When I set my mind out to do something...

...I usually do it. I may screw it up, but I make the effort nevertheless. I recently decided to start actively searching out men instead of waiting for them to knock on the door. I didn't have to resort to Internet meetings...not that I wouldn't have if this man-drought had continued much longer. This time I didn't even have to put effort into meeting men...all of a sudden every man I speak to seems to ask me out on a date.

Now I'm in a tizzy because before I realized that many more men would be forthcoming, I made a date for tomorrow night with a psychologist who has a thousands initials after his name. (I can't wear jeans for that date.) Then, out of nowhere I heard from an old boyfriend who heard that I was living here again. He's another initial dude only this time CPA is in the list. We haven't seen each other in years so he didn't want to wait long, just until Saturday...afternoon. That's 2 dates in 14 hours. I haven't done that since 1984.

THEN...tonight...a guy I met Saturday night stopped by to say hi. Actually, he's the one who stood me up on Monday but it turned out that he had a decent excuse (not a GOOD excuse, but a decent one) so I decided to let it slide. I'm really, really, really glad I did. He's better looking than he was after I had 4 beers. That's odd, isn't it? He has this Michael Madsen thing going on so I'm not putting up much of a fight with this one.

And...something tells me that when I lie down after writing this, I'm gonna be even more glad that I gave this one another chance. He has no initials but he is one gorgeous creature. Not to sound childish but...OMG!!! We sat on the front porch talking and my eyes wandered over every part of him. I couldn't find a bad spot. He is the tallest, darkest and handsomest tall dark and handsome man I have ever met. I want him.

So, as I'm ogling this hunk-O-man, he asks if I'd like to go bike riding in the morning. What the hell could I do? My heart was racing, eyes fluttering and hormones surging. "Sure!", I said. enthusiastically.

Now, if you're keeping track, that's 3 dates in 24 hours. I don't think I ever did that in the 80's.

Please don't think ill of me...consider that I accepted the first date after meeting a very nice man, the second one as a result of a well timed phone call between old lovers and the third was just plain old-fashioned chemistry. Which one would you have turned down?

I just hope he doesn't realize that I'm the one who called him and played Lily Allen's Fuck You into his phone the night I thought he stood me up.


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Wednesday, July 07, 2010

You know...

...it isn't as though I've never held a judge in contempt, but as a woman from a much different time, I usually remained reticent and kept my contemptuous mouth shut. Lindsay Lohan, the pathetic 24 year old who is headed to the clink for a couple of DUI's and some probation violations, has used her artistic, creative talents to come up with a new way to offend the court system. The Fuck you on her middle finger was caught on camera as she sat in court whining over her woes.

Personally, I wouldn't have done that, I like to paint my nails red and I don't add any extraneous crap to them. But once again, I'm probably older than Lindsay's parents. My kids are certainly much older than she is. And, I could be wrong, but I don't think my kids would be stupid enough to wear a Fuck You message to court. Well, maybe one of them might, but I feel safe in assuming that my son who is an attorney wouldn't do it.

Apparently, there is some talk about adding more time to Lohan's sentence as a result of her nail decor. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Half of me thinks she has the right to free speech as long as she doesn't disrupt the court proceedings. No one mentioned the Fuck You until after the court date so obviously, it wasn't an issue during court. The other half of me thinks that she should have more time tacked to her sentence on for stupidity alone. All of me thinks she's an idiot.

Enough of that nit wit. Remember the yahoo a couple of posts down who actually came right out and said he wanted to get naked with me...before we ever had a date and after he stood me up? Well he, like most middle aged men, hasn't figured out that he's just as stupid as he was in 1974. For some reason, they don't lose any of their confidence...just their hair.

Anyway, he sent me this email after I ignored the first one:

HE: u me 420 and some 69 at 930 2 nite

HE: hope your not mad just beingdirect and honest

HE: r u mad? was hoping u were in the mood 2 play

ME: I was. Ordinarily men take me out, we have fun and then at the end of the evening they discreetly make a move. If you order your dish before the date, it costs more than dinner and some weed.

HE: like what? baby know we both could use some TLC


I think that put a stop to his e-mails now. Men...what are you thinking?


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Tuesday, July 06, 2010


Leave a comment on this thing. I won't publish it, but I'll be able to get in touch with you if you leave your email addy...or just tell me to call.



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I could be wrong...

...but I think I set a record last night. It would appear as though I was stood up twice in the same night. I don't even remember being stood up once in a night and now I can say it happened twice.

To be fair to the second guy, he just put me off so long that I started watching To Kill a Mockingbird and by then I had no desire to go anywhere. I put on my jammies and sat back and watched the movie. The phone rang but we didn't answer it. Oh well, at least he sent me an e-mail apologizing (gag).

I have some other priorities right now so it's not a big deal, but I do occasionally want to go out and have a guy pay for the fun. That may make me a bad person but I'm not the only one and anyway, it is what it is.

This morning I got up and took the dog for a walk. Then, for some stupid reason, I thought it would be a good idea to let him run along side of me as I rode a bike. I didn't even make it out of the driveway. He just didn't get it, all he wanted to do was chew on me and I don't like being chewed on by a dog...not even my own. So, I took him home and went for a ride myself. At one point I looked down at my leg and noticed all of the dog slobber on my pants leg. That's what I get for putting clean clothes on at 6:30 in the morning. I should have put on something funky like the pants I wear when I work in the yard but I didn't think my dog would slime me. Now I know and he'll never go on a bike ride again...this dog is too old to learn that new trick.

Oh, I just remembered something. The first guy who stood me up last night got an earful of Lily Allen's Fuck You song over the telephone. I doubt that I would have done it if he was the only one who had stood me up but as I was waiting for the second dude, I started getting really annoyed so I had the song qued up to the Fuck You chorus so when he answered, I just put the phone up to the speaker and smiled. This morning I'm not the least bit apologetic...but now I know WHY he won't be calling again.

I don't get you guys. If it were a blind date, I could see a guy calling an audible but these two yahoos knew who I was and they asked ME out. Men...what are ya gonna do?

By the way, if you are going to apologize to a woman for standing her up, you should make a phone call. Another hint...if you DO send an e-mail, this is not a good way to do it:

"sorry got tied up we woulda had fun bet t b fun to gdt naked with yum"

Obviously that one was NOT on the same page as was I. Our discussions were all about hanging out and having fun. NO one mentioned nudity so I guess it's a good thing that last night didn't work out.

A friend of mine joined a dating service years ago...before the Internet. I doubt that I would have ever done that before but after seeing what they matched her up with, I'm damn sure I won't do it now. The guy she was set up with, and eventually married, was a bum and my friend is a productive member of society. She pays her bills, he needed someone to pay his. She is as honest as they come, he's a liar from way back, almost as good as my own ex. She doesn't drink, smoke or do drugs, he does all of the above. She's a loving parent, he used to leave his kids in an apartment with no electricity while he left for the day. She could have thrown a rock into a crowd and hit a better guy than that one.

Oh well, speaking of being productive, I must go try it myself.

See ya!


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Monday, July 05, 2010

I just made a big boo boo...

...and I feel like an idiot. I had a date at 6 but he never called. Another guy did. I spoke to the second guy and he asked me out for tonight. 2 minutes later the phone rang and the guy said he was waiting out front for me. I thought it was 6 o'clock dude but it wasn't, it was the guy who had called a few minutes before.

I asked the guy where the car he was driving came from. He said it was a company car and he probably wondered why I asked. Then I asked why he didn't call earlier. After I asked a few stupid questions, he said, "You have me mixed up with someone else." He was right, I did. BUT...I lied and said, "No, I just misunderstood." He ran home to change and he'll be back in a while so I will be going out.

Now I have to own up to the lie I told (I don't even know why I did that). With any luck at all, we'll have a drink or two and I'll feel better about admitting that I lied and he might not even be annoyed that I did it in the first place.

I'm a terrible liar and unlike my ex, it bothers the heck out of me when I do it. So, to undo it, I have to be honest about it and I hate that. Remind me not to put myself in that position again.

Well, I suppose I should go primp again, it's mighty warm here and I just took the dog for a walk so I'm sweaty. I wasn't sweaty at 6!


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It's not even 6 AM...

...and I've already been baffled twice. That's not easy to accomplish considering the fact that I haven't interacted with another living being besides my dog, a shitload of ants and one icky looking ear wig.

My first conundrum of the day is a bitch. I don't even think there's a way out of this one but it's a thinker nevertheless. I'm usually on the receiving end of such queries, but today, I need some help.

I'm living in a house with my bestest ever friend, one I've known since the Beatles broke up. We have never, ever engaged in any sexual behavior. I have never thought of her (or any woman for that matter) in that way. And...I feel pretty safe speaking for my buddy....she's told me everything that ever happened in her entire life. I even know stuff about her mother's pregnancy and how my friend came about. I know where she got her first kiss (I went to school with the guy), I know that she was arrested after being found stuck in the stairwell of the Sears Tower (I know because I was there and I got arrested too.) I know how she and her quadriplegic first husband had sex...I knew him, he loved her like crazy (not to be confused with Crazy Ron). I'm sure she would have mentioned it if she had a bent for the ladies.

She and I have been friends for decades and although neither of us were aware of it, people thought we were gay. Now, as Seinfeld would say, "Not that there's anything wrong with that." but I live with this chick now and I would really, really, really not want to be suspected of gayness.

Now, before all of the gay folk reading this get their panties in a knot...I understand that you may be offended. If my true feelings offend you...so be it. Just think about how the entire state of Iowa feels about you and cut me some slack. And if you don't think I should be espousing my non-lesbianism online, you could put a stop to such stuff. It would be a good idea to start with gay pride parades. They don't bother me so my non-gay self shouldn't bother you.

With that caveat, let me say, I do NOT want people to think I am gay. So, when I introduce my friend, what do I call her? "This is my girlfriend?" "This is my roommate?" This is my friend?" I've even considered just using her name but even THAT connotes an abstruse aura that could lead one to at least consider the possibility that they had just been in the presence of two dykes.

It's too late now, but if I had ever thought that sexuality was some sort of indicator, I would have chosen a best friend with long hair who wore make-up and something other than flannel shirts. My long haired self wears make-up and cute tops, so even our very presence implies a lesbian relationship. We don't even have to open our mouths and most people would not only assume us gay, they would even have decided who leads when we dance.

Anyway...I think the answer here is that there simply IS no answer. Until I snag a dude worth keeping, I'll just take a pill and worry not. But, if you have any suggestions, do let me know. I briefly considered wearing a t-shirt that says "STRICTLY DICKLY" so forget that...and other t-shirts as well.

My other head-scratcher is less vexing but it did make me wonder. I took my dog out back this morning and watched as he sniffed one tree, large weed and fence section after another. That ridiculous behavior went on for what seemed like a half hour. I waited and watched and tapped my toes in frustration awaiting the inevitable outcome. That dog finally chose the perfect spot, right next to a kids toy, turned around and squatted right there.

I don't know what made that spot good and I'm sure it won't be good enough tomorrow. I guess this is one of those things that I'm just not meant to know.

It just occurred to me that the dog scrutinized that back yard for a place to crap with more discretion than Lady Ga Ga uses when she chooses men.

To he who knows who he is.


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Saturday, July 03, 2010

OK then...

...I give. If I expect to have ANY FUN AT ALL this summer, I need to put an ad on a dating site. I hate that because, as anyone who has ever taken that desperate route knows, most people lie on those suckers.

And the pictures! OMG! They better be really, really, really good ones because when I look at them, I consider the fact that the person posting the pictures have many, many other pictures to choose from and they chose that particular picture. It's the absolute BEST picture they have.

There are a lot of reasons that men (yes, women do it too, but I only deal with men so that's what I know) will choose a certain picture to post. First of all, the picture could be one taken on the man's motorcycle and therefore, in his mind, quite cool. Not so much in a girl's mind...most of us act like we care but that's only because we're setting our own trap.

Some men aren't too bright so they post pictures of themselves in a tuxedo. That wouldn't be too bad but the tux is usually his wedding tux and the bride is actually cut out of the picture. Unfortunately for these poor fools, they can't cut out the bride's arm which is usually around some part of the dude's body.

I won't even mention the pictures of penis's except to send a message to penis posters..."Dudes, penis's are like assholes, everybody has one. If you really want to impress a woman, post pictures of your wallet open to the credit cards."

OH, and when posing for a picture while sleeveless...don't bother putting your fists under your biceps to make them look big. Women are on to that little "trick"...we invented bra-stuffing so we're on the look out for artificial inflation of body parts. Most women realize that if a guy has to use the fist-pumping trick, they are compensating for small body parts. Not that there's anything wrong with small body parts, just the men who feel the need to inflate them in a dishonest method.

I have to mention the pictures with baseball caps. Men, women are aware that baseball caps, outside of a baseball field, are usually a sign of a bald head. C'mon guys, haven't you noticed that Michael Jordan made it cool to be bald almost 20 years ago?

You can grow your ear hair as long as you want to, you are still BALD. I haven't been fooled by the Bret Michaels trick since Poison was in the top-ten. Bret is bald and so are YOU!!!

Speaking of bald men, my ex posted a picture of himself on his MySpace page. In the foreground of the picture were shoes that obviously belonged to a chick. My guess is that she was the poor sap who took the picture. Knowing my ex, he didn't tell her that he would be posting the picture on a social networking site. And...knowing him...he isn't bright enough to crop out the girl shoes in the picture itself. BUT...when someone mentioned the shoes on THIS site, he immediately cropped them out of the picture. His profile is set to Private...but once again, I am not the reason he did that. I am, however, most likely the excuse he gave his bitch du jour. His reasoning would be some variation of, "My ex is always stalking me so I have to set all of my profiles to private." I don't know what he IS hiding from her, but I know I am not the real reason for his cryptic behaviour. I spent too much time with him not to be aware of his covert ways and the abstruse, secretive and misleading tendencies hidden behind his reserved, simple-minded, gratuitous mask.

Anyway, it's a BEEEEEE-U-TEE-FULL day here in Chicago-land so I'd like to rip these Biore Strips off of my face and go out and smell the roses. I LOVE outside...except for the bugs. Speaking of which, I just shaved my legs...I wonder if it's safe to spray Off or some such bug repellent on them? Well, I'll let you know later because my ankles are already full of mosquito bites, spider bites and unidentified nibbles. I've been supervising a weed pulling project in my girlfriend's back yard. Her son hates the project but her daughter is into it. I'm into it as well because I want to do a good job for my friend but I gotta tell you, one more hideous bug in my hair and I might just mow the weeds down.

See ya!

PS. I just found my idiot ex's profile on a social networking site and he lied about EVERYTHING! He gave himself a college degree he never earned. He would have had to register and attend classes and I know he never did that. OK, I'm done laughing now.


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