...and I'm doing all that I can to see another one. It's just tough when my "Live List" is so short compared to my "Leave List".
I don't want a million dollars (although I wouldn't turn it down), and I don't need a fancy house, car or jewelry (once again, I'm not stupid, I'd take them if offered). What I'd like to have is at least one good friend who likes me, enjoys my company and never betrays me. A family who cared what happened to me would be nice too. I'd even settle for a few family members who cared. I can't seem to find these things. Their absence in my life leaves me wondering if it could all be me. But I was talking to someone recently who is living a wonderful life after going through some really tough times but was never forgotten by family and friends. I haven't done anything so bad that I should be tossed into the world alone.
If I wrote down all of my thoughts, someone would send the cops looking for me and that can't be. There's nothing that a cop could do except delay the inevitable so I'll just keep some thoughts to myself. There was a time when this blog was what kept me going but people always commented so I knew there were people out there who cared. Maybe it's because I was without internet or my computer was stolen or I was playing with the sweetest little boy I've ever met. Funny, he likes me. But I've felt like I was writing to no one and the things I would have written wouldn't have been funny anyway. They would have been sad and embarrassing and I didn't want to bring anyone down but I thought I'd reach out today because I really do want to live, just not like this. Here are a few things that have happened that have me on the edge:
Close to 15 years ago, I used a credit card of my son's and he didn't know about it. I made the payments, I guess it was the fact that he didn't know. Mea culpa. He didn't find out until 2004 (my own annus horribilis, cancer, cheating husband and financial problems out the wazoo.) I got it together in '05 but the stroke in '07 stopped me in my happy tracks.
Another son got mad at me because he thinks I made his daughter pee in a cup to fake a drug test. At least that's the story I heard. I never did that. Whatever...that's two sons who haven't spoken to me in years.
Then, I go to stay with my father who lives near two of my sisters. One of them spoke to me, the other did her best to stay away. I was there for two years and was never invited to her house once.
I have one brother (the one who punched me in the face when I was in a sleeping bag and couldn't fight back, breaking my nose) who hasn't spoken to me since my mother died in June of '01. I have no clue why he is so mad (or indifferent...I don't know what's going on with him). If I did something wrong, he's never told me about it.
I have another brother who stopped talking to me and I didn't know why. Then I found out that his reason was that after I had brain surgery and was a bit confused, I called him in the middle of the night. I don't even remember that but it was enough to stop all communication. He's the one who likes to quote Springsteen's "Man turns his back on his family he ain't no friend of mine".
I have another brother in prison who got mad at me before he went in for reasons I am not aware of.
All of these siblings were at my mother's funeral when the preacher told us that my mother's last wish was to tell her children to take care of each other.
So, after I gave up on Georgia, I went to stay with my father. All that did was remind me why I was so insecure and frightened all the time. Never one to spare the rod, he threw a suitcase at my head when we were on a trip to Jersey. I'm in my 50's and I've had brain problems too many to list. I asked if he did it on purpose (as though it COULD have been an accident) and his response was, "If I had done in on purpose you'd still be on the ground." I don't know why he was mad that time but whatever it was, I wouldn't think a suitcase to the head would be called for. (If you're keeping track, yes, that's two suitcases to the head in the past few years. Dear old dad only did one.)
Then, like a moron, I started dating a guy who my father didn't like. One morning as I was coming out of my room, Dad told me to move out because of that guy. Well, that guy was the only person who would let me stay with him so I did. He spent his days getting mad at me even though I told him that "This is me...if you don't like me, let me go." I tried to go once and ended up the complainant in a battery case in which he plead guilty. Time for me to fly.
I arrive in California and get robbed between 2 and 3 times. I'm sure of 2 and one has me confused. I'm pretty sure I was robbed, but I don't accuse unless I'm 100% positive because I DESPISE being falsely accused myself.
I refused to move in with my daughter until the second robbery. It occurred to me how easily I could be victimized in ways worse than robberies. Tail between my legs and feeling like a dreadful imposition, I gave in and decided to stay with her until I could find a safer place to live. But then I couldn't do anything right. I forgot to take off my shoes, an e-cig fell out of my pocket unbeknownst to me, and sins of sins, I taught my grandson how to say fart in Spanish. Added to that, he enjoys farting and loves it when other people fart, which, of course, is my fault. By then I was already halfway out the door. I finally went to the doctor to get all of my meds and I put my pain pills on top of the medicine cabinet. They disappeared. Naturally, that was my fault. Then, the worst possible thing that could have happened did...Florida Dude got my daughter's private home number and called it. The next day he had the police call my son-in-law to find me. Son-in-law wants me gone.
The only person who will let me stay with them is Florida dude and I was so proud of myself for getting away but at this point, he's the only one who wants me and I don't have the energy to keep trying without the slightest bit of support.
Then, I feel like an idiot for feeling sorry for myself and that adds to my self disdain. I actually thought that going back to Florida would let my daughter live her life without me as a burden. But she said that if I go there, I can never see my grandson again. I already have one granddaughter who I haven't spoken to because her father won't allow it and one grandson who's father would never let me see him. I couldn't handle the thought of never seeing another grandchild. I can barely handle my boys not being any part of my life. So, if I go back to Florida to leave the kids alone, I lose another child and her son. If I stay, I have nowhere to go. I'm not good at being homeless, I tried it last summer.
I need a break before I cry. I refuse to do that twice in one day so I'll be back.
While I was taking the break it occurred to me that I haven't changed, I simply don't make 50 grand a year anymore. My older son adored me when I let him live with me and paid his bills. My younger son was a wonderful son when he needed braces and tuition for college. Not being able to work is the only thing different. Knowing that changes nothing.
My younger son got a message to me that said if I wanted to communicate with him that I should do it by e-mail. I did that. He never once emailed me back. For all I know I'm e-mailing him to a special addy that he never checks. My older son has a tatted wife who drinks vodka with him every night and has him referring to me as "Mayhem Meg" and that's funny to them. My daughter has a husband who apparently doesn't like me but the only way I know that is that she tells me everyday what I did to annoy him. She asked me to talk to him but I have no problem with him. If he has a problem with me, he shouldn't be afraid to tell me. I don't hit people, I don't even use harsh language. I know damn well that I'm a reasonable person and I can handle a rational conversation. But one day he's "mad" at me, the next day he is "really mad" at me. Now he's "beyond mad". I don't even know what that means. But never, not once, has the man told me that he has a problem with anything I've done. After he was "beyond mad", my daughter asked me how he was acting. I told her the truth, "He's acting like he always has, he never says a word to me...ever." Being around that dude is like one hideously long uncomfortable silence.
So, now that all 3 of my kids are trying to forget that I exist, I have very little hope for their kids because I've watched one generation after another pick up on the disdain the older generation has for me. The kid likes me now, but after he hears the same things my ex said about me to my kids, he'll think ill of me as well. So, when all I care about is my kids and my grandkids are picking up on the attitude that my kids and siblings picked up from my parents, I know what's ahead and I don't want to be here to see another generation of people I love cast me out of their lives.
I'm trying to find something to live for and I'm losing that search. Another Christmas without so much as a phone call would surely be the end of me.