I've never denied that I was a flake...

...and as much as I'd like to, I can't blame my flakiness on age. I'm sure that my advancing years haven't made me any LESS flaky, but I have been referred to as a "flake" since the 70's. I don't mind, it could be much worse, I could be Lindsay Lohan. Recently I had an experience which not only proved me to be a flake, but a blind flake as well.

I had a doctor's appointment at one of those offices that is well known for making patients wait for ridiculously long periods of time, once in the big waiting room, then again in the small waiting room that doubles as an examination room and then finally, after my visit with the doctor, in a waiting line where one waits to make another waiting appointment.

Since a long wait is a given, I had my friend drop me off instead of making her waste her day waiting with me. When my waiting appointment was over, I was giddy with happiness as I called my buddy and told her that my wait was over and that she could finally come and take me home.

After waiting for my ride in the big waiting room, I decided to go outside and wait for her in the parking lot.

At this point I should mention that last week, I had occasion to tell my friend's little girl what the term, "Shotgun!" meant when shouted while entering a vehicle. She is a wee munchkin and had never heard that term used that way before.

So, when I saw the SUV approaching with a dark haired little girl in the shotgun seat, I ran to the door shouting, "Shotgun! Shotgun! Shotgun!' As the SUV inched closer to me, I went toward the door to open it and was pleased to see that the door was unlocked. As I put my hand on the door latch, I looked at the little girl who was glaring back at me. I noticed something odd. It wasn't a flash of knowledge, it was more of a slow realization that the little girl was not the little Asian lady I was expecting, it was a young Hispanic lady who I had never seen before in my life.

At that point I realized that I had run after the wrong vehicle shouting, "Shotgun!" over and over again.. I quickly took my hand off of the door leading to some one's precious daughter and apologized profusely through the closed car windows.

I walked away from the vehicle with my hand covering my embarrassed face. I didn't know whether to laugh or hide from the police whom I assumed would be surrounding me momentarily. Eventually, I found a spot against the side of the doc's office to wait, out of the wind and out of sight of the poor woman and the child whom I had just freaked out intensely.

I watched carefully the intersection from which I expected my friend to come. It was amazing how every other vehicle was a blue-green SUV like the one for which I was waiting and the one that I had just assaulted. My buddy chose to take a different route this time so I never saw her coming, suddenly I just noticed an SUV that looked like hers (but hey, so did the first one!). The people in that vehicle were waving at me but so had the people who were in the first SUV.

I walked nonchalantly toward the vehicle without shouting out names of huge and deadly weapons. Luckily, that vehicle contained my friend and her daughter so I climbed in and began to tell my buddy and her daughter my tale of woe. As we were driving out of the parking lot, I noticed that the original mother/daughter team STILL hadn't ventured out of their own vehicle, probably afraid of the crazy woman who chased them shouting "Shotgun!" and trying to enter their vehicle as those she owned it. My guess is that the mom had dialed 911 and was awaiting the Elgin Illinois Police Department.

My apologies to the lady and the little girl, I won't ever do that again...of that I am sure. And now that I think of it, even if I DO know that I'm approaching the right vehicle, I'll never run to the door shouting "Shotgun!", "38 Special!", or Cyanide in a syringe!".

You'd think that I would have learned that lesson before THIS long!!!

Talk About Bad Taste

I can't imagine that this Mexican restaurant serves drinks that don't leave a bad taste in your mouth. This billboard is NOT a joke, it was spotted on a roadside in Indiana. Now, I know Indiana is full of corn, but I am quite sure there are also folks there who remember the mass suicide to which this billboard refers.

I can't imagine how many free tacos they'd have to promise me to patronize one of their establishments, but the number would have to be issued with an exponent. Perhaps there are people who find this advertisement amusing so for them, and any other sadistic advertising companies out there, I offer the following slogans for free:

British Petroleum...We didn't kill YOUR fish!

Dr. N. Azi DDS...Our gas may not come out of a shower head, but it will make you laugh!

ACME Luggage Co...Come to our Lockerbie celebration, it's raining suitcases!

Sears Tower Observation Deck...If you're lucky you might get a great view of approaching aircraft!

Mike Vick Doggie Day Care...We guarantee our females stay put for your males!

New Orleans...Free Motor boat rental for all white visitors!

New Zealand Dennys...Tackle our 6 story stack-O-pancakes!

Christa McAuliffe Center for Citizens in Space...We teach you which button NOT to push!

The Zahra Baker Experience...Find a bone and your visit is free!

Mail Order Muslim Brides...They may not be willing, but hey, they're only 9, you can easily hold their non-compliant asses down!

And the Abby Daily Mess:

Crazy Abby

Although occasionally, and for a price, she can be good.

Good Monday!

I spent my weekend removing two layers of caulk from a bathtub and applying one. (I bought a "caulk remover" but it was so useless that I think it was invented by the same jack-ass who marketed the Pet Rock.) The first layer I had to remove was "transparent" caulk and it was applied rather sloppily. The difficulty there was finding the caulk to remove it. It was EVERYWHERE. The second layer of caulk was so hard that I suspect it was grout. I had to chisel it off. If ever there was an example of "Do it right the first time and you won't have to do it again", this was it. All I have left to do is scrape off any extraneous caulk I may have left behind. I'll get back in the stupid tub when my back stops hurting from yesterday's effort.

I just took a short break because the room was filling with short people. One of them took a donut out of a box-0-donuts, ate half of it and then ran to the bathroom. He left the donut on the kitchen counter. Being the annoying person that I am, I took that donut (and the box) and hid it. He is currently whining to his mother that his sister ate his donut. I guess I have to address that situation, BRB.

OK, I'm back. I love being annoying. These kids have been sadly neglected when it comes to teaching practical jokes. They didn't even know about the kitchen hose/rubber band trick until I pulled it on them...separately. That one never loses it's ability to crack me up. I have taken it upon myself to teach them the tricks of the trade so this evening, someone will have a plate full of salt.

I guess it's time to go sit in the bathtub and curse the yahoo's who caulked it wrong. It may not sound like pleasant thinking but it helps me pass the time.

On a serious note, I heard about another teen aged victim of cyber-bullying that committed suicide. That is simply heartbreaking. Please, if you are a victim of cyber bullying, contact me and let me help put the bully in their place before you hang yourself. I have the potential to be quite a bitch and I'm rather confident that I can squelch any nit-wit teenager who feels the needs to cowardly bully from behind a computer monitor.

Ugliest dog in the world...

...wins Best in Show! If I were that dog, I'd look up for a bucket of blood before it falls on my head.

"Ssshhhh! Don't draw attention and maybe no one will notice your cloven hooves!"

"Don't you just love my new extensions?"

"I saw that boxer...no one is chopping off MY ears!"

"E.T. phone home!"

"YES! Right there. That muscle always spasms when I'm nervous."

"The better to BITE you with!

"I think I ate too much cotton candy!"

The youngest, less famous Gabor sister.

"Well...shove a stick up my ass and lets wash this floor!"

Breeding a toy dachsund is as stupid as breeding tiny mice.

"Get your hand out of my butt, I'm not a puppet!"

"I told you to stop...your head will NOT fit up my ass!"

"I just washed my hair and I can't do a thing wih it!"

"Have you seen Mata Hari? She has my kibble."

"Give me the Bea Arthur cut."

"Can you direct me to the first class seats, please??"

I found an interesting new blog...

...for those interested in all things political:

http://teapartyplatfom.blogspot.com/

"The Labrador Retriever is such a gentle dog that he can carry an egg in his mouth without breaking it."

Try a pillow...nope.

Somebody owes me 2 eggs.

Good Monday!

Abby may have more energy that the Energizer Bunny, but somewhere under that hyper, insane facade is a smart dog waiting to be taught. She learns tricks in one morning. I don't teach her one everyday, I usually just practice the old ones to get them ingrained in her head. The hard part is actually getting a chance to tell her what to do, she's usually doing them all, one after another, waiting for a treat.

This one is "Lap!" When I say "Lap" she is supposed to curl up at my lap and put her head in it. She did that part but the camera just caught her eating her treat.

Next we have one of her more impressive tricks, "Jump!" I finally got a shot of her actually jumping although you can't see the air she cleared. By the time I get someone to help me with the pictures, you'll be seeing some serious DOG JORDAN! Here's the one that was hard to teach but she does it like a pro now. I may have made a mistake with this one, she can push the stool over to the counter and grab whatever she has a notion to grab.
Her plain ol' "Lie down" move, inexplicably tough for her. Maybe it's because, done properly, it takes her further from the treat.
Sit pretty is way too easy. It's the first thing I taught her and she usually sits as soon as I walk into the room as to say, "Look what a good puppy I am, I'm already in position!"

We're working with hula hoops now which is proving to be quite a challenge because she seems to be terrified of that sucker.

Abby is a smart little girl...

...I can usually teach her one trick in the morning. Here are a few:

This one was tough because she had to learn, not only to put her front paws up but her rear paws as well. THEN, I had to teach her to stay on the bench. But, I'm proud to say that Abby is one smart little girl and when the weather warms up, I'll be teaching her all kinds of stuff.

You may think that "Down!" is an easy command. She does it, when she darn well feels like it. She is smart enough to realize that there isn't anything that far down to tear up or eat. And we keep the high value treats such as remote controls far too high for her to reach. But the way she's growing, who knows how long that will last?

Sit was an easy one:

Now, Abby has more tricks but I need a camera man to get those shots in movement. I keep trying and maybe sometime I'll get it to work myself.

I taught her to jump straight up and that puppy gets some air between her and the floor. I'm just not fast enough to get her in the air, but trust me...it's cool.

Karma at it's Best

A Central California man who was at a cockfight died after being stabbed in the leg by a bird that had a knife attached to its own limb, officials confirmed Monday.

Now, if I could only teach Philadelphia pit bulls to pull a trigger...

To Ron From His Philipino Girlfriend Who was Trying to Manipulate Him into Marriage...They even referred to themselves as married

My Darlin Ron,
I dont know what to say but Im really angry of what Kelly is doing! Now shes saving herself for what she has done. She's is now making things worst by telling you that Im the one asking her about who you are and what you are? Honestly, the only three questions I have asked her is… first, if you have the same religion and you just have different church? The second one is....why Ron and you got separated when nine or ten years is a bit long relationship for husband and wife? The third is I asked a copy of the divorce paper which I have told you I am going to tell Kelly because I want to know whom she is playing the game with.....YOU or ME? And she answered NO! as stated in her letter and she wants me to ask a copy from you .And in her letter to you, she is really making sure that you already have the divorce paper and emphasizing you have the knowledge of it even before.
After all what she has said bad and negative things about you, now she is saying that she doesnt want to feed me any bad information about you? Shes the one who have said it all about you, with all the letters I have forwarded to you coming from her. I cant stand this kind of woman and I dont want to be used by someone like her!!! Now, she is writing you to say that am asking things about you? I never thought someone would ever do this to me for I never hurt or done any thing wrong with anyone else. I think you have to write her back and tell her to stop intruding to our relationship, and tell her whatever she said both of us will never believe. She has her own life now, and whatever bad things she is doing now will all get back to her. Darlin write her back only once If she writes back again, dont reply anymore, just write her ONCE. She's making all things worst for us now. I Am so confused, too of what is happening, Part of her intention the way I analyzed it is for you to make a bad impression on me by telling you that she doesnt want to say anything about you to me, well in fact I have asked only 3 questions and she have said whatever she wanted to say about you! Darlin, what is this happening? I AM SO CONFUSED!! I dont want to think that I am being a victim on all whats happening. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I REALLY LOVE YOU, HOW I CARE SO MUCH ABOUT YOU and HOW MUCH PAIN IT WILL CAUSE MY LIFE TO LOSE YOU.

I am asking you to please find a solution. please do everything now to give way to our plans of starting our papers for she will not stop. This made me depress again, and I am crying again for I dont know where I am. All I could say is that I REALLY LOVE YOU and WHOEVER YOU ARE I WILL STILL LOVE YOU, no matter what others may say about you.

Thats better Darlin that the infection is totally gone. Yes I think you have the other tooth removed before it will get infeccted again as what had happened to the other one. Yes antibiotics must be completed Darlin. I know you always enjoy the time with the kids and Im happy for you.

I will pause here and pray to GOD that everything will be fine and will guide and protect you in whatever you do. Please take good care of yourself and so with the kids and GOD BLESS YOU ALL. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH WITH ALL MY HEART and SOUL..

Your Loving Wife,

N i n g

Well...

...I'll be darned. I had a "Super Bowl date" yesterday and as things turned out, I handled it well. A guy I know wanted to hang out and watch the game. I had plans with a guy I've been seeing but he blew me off last week so I hedged my bets and made 2 dates for yesterday assuming at least one would show up. I was right, one did.

The guy was nice enough but rather forward during the game. I don't like forward on a first date when it's NOT Super Bowl day, I sure didn't need it during the big game. I promise you, if I'm good with things, I take the heat off the guy and get forward myself. I think it's a wise man who waits for the woman to wave him in.

Anyway, before the game was over, I had to defend my boobs, the fly of my pants and my entire face had to be saved by a "hard kisser", one of my worst things. I don't know why a guy feels the need to cram teeth into teeth but I'll tell you, I couldn't wait for that stupid game to end.

Then this morning I get the following email from Prince Charming:

"Thanks for the Superbowl party. I tell you.. .it is a trek out there. But I don't think we're quite there."

No dude, we're not. But tell me something, "If we aren't "there", why was I playing defense throughout the game?" If Pittsburgh had played D so well, it might have been an entirely different game.

I sure am glad that I'm good at saying "No!" because if I had enjoyed his company and fallen for his sweet nothings, teeth butting and groping hands, I would be a one night skank this morning and that can't be.

So, to the guy who blew me off for the second week in a row, "Screw you." And to the one who felt it necessary to endanger my bridge work, "I woke up with a hideous sore throat this morning and one of the kids here just got over strep." That'll teach you.


PS Grabbed from my cousins Facebook wall:

Urban Dictionary
Mansplain - to delighting in condescending, inaccurate explanations delivered with rock solid confidence of rightness and that slimy certainty that of course he is right, because he is the man in this conversation - http://urbanup.com/4634426

Ouch.

Tatsuya Ichihashi, the prime suspect in the 2007 murder case of British language school teacher Lindsay Ann Hawker, is shown before, left, and after cosmetic surgeries. (AP Photo/Chiba Prefectural Gyotoku Police)

This dude was serious about not being arrested...he performed plastic surgery on himself in an attempt to evade capture. I must admit, I never thought of that. I did perform minor surgery on my friends' dog and I removed sutures from my kids when they would damage the integrity of their integumentary system. Add to that my desire to be rid of a turkey gobbler type thing that hangs under my chin, you'd of thunk I would have at least THOUGHT of operating on myself.

I could probably do it if I had to, but I don't have to. And, of course, I have no lidocaine with which I could make numb my neck flesh. Deep down I'm a coward compared to the creepy and desperate murderer pictured above.

Considering the lengths some people go to when trying to look younger, I'm surprised more of them haven't taken a can-do outlook and grabbed a box cutter. After all, Botox doesn't even TRY to hide what it is, it's in the name, botulism toxin. Yet people line up for that and even have parties where everyone gets a little needle-full of toxin injected into their face. I never seem to get invited to those parties so I can't say it's a bad idea but I would probably decline my invite out of hand. Botulism and toxin are two things that I try to steer clear of.

But...if I had that lidocaine, a box cutter and a really, really sharp pair of scissors, who knows?

Dudes...

...I don't care how nice a guy says my boobs are, there is simply no velvet to put on the following hammer, "You have Olive Oyl legs."

Yep, that's what I just heard from one who hath perused the landscape that is my body.

Oh sure, it was qualified with a ridiculous, "...but remember, I love A, B, and C." Well, if A, B and C are approaching on Olive Oyl legs, they lack the confidence that they need with which to fully utilize their charms, whatever they may be.

I suppose there's a rationale behind the thinking of men but I'll be damned if I can figure it out. I could be so stupid as to verbally disparage a part of a man of which he is fond, proud and assured. But I'm smart enough to know that I don't want mind games to enter any lovemaking that I might be enjoying at the time.

Unfortunately, that's a rather positive outlook on a relatively bleak situation. While I admit to some seriously passionate kissing tournaments, actual love making is as rare as is a lovely day in Chicago. It's probably just as good, I like kissing and the unknown horizontal bop is always better than it's twin, the known horizontal bop.

You know, it mightn't be so bad if it weren't for the Olive Oyl magnet on the fridge. She mocks me over and over again, daily as I reach for the half and half. My normally quiet and peaceful early morning has been usurped. The dawn isn't as sweet as it could be today because I have Olive Oyl legs.

How does one make a positive out of THAT?

Who knew?

Eew.

The 13 year old boy is the most hideous creature known to other aged people.

The only reason that they don't have 2 schools that meet in 7th grade is because middle school children would, either; kill the little ones or be killed by the big ones...if not each other. No one else deserves to be subjected to these hellions so they stick 'em all in one place and call it middle school.

The inhabitants, even the good ones, feel full of self, full of brains and "smellin' their own piss". (I don't know what that means but my grandmother said it a lot.) I raised my 3 and said a fond farewell to them years ago. They're all married and doing fine. There's no reason that I should be subject to another 13 year old but there's one about 10 feet away from me and the only thing that keeps him from killing me is the fear of jail and the fact that I still have a few inches on him. Next year the latter will be gone and I'll have to depend on scaring the hell out of him when it comes to jail. I can do that easily enough without tarrying far from the truth.

If you read my last post you might remember that I made mention of a certain 13 year old boy who was annoying me at the time. He isn't bothering me right now, the sane personality is here today. The pleasant young man is actually fun to talk to because he's beginning to get those jokes that parents usually direct over a kid's head. He gets the subtle nuances of my humor and that's always good. So, I've finally found my current conversational equal and he is a 13 year old boy. Ironic because ever since 8th grade I have despised whatever 13 year old I was near.

This one has a personality that visited the other day and refused to shovel snow after a blizzard. If 2 feet of snow is the problem, two 52 year old women, one with a heart condition, one with a brain condition and both possessing few intact vertebrae, are not the solution. A 13 year old boy, on the other hand, is exactly what the situation calls for. This one refused to do it and the Excuse Factory personality was here at the time. I told his mother to stop arguing with him because after 2 snow days, I could snap at any time.

I can't lose my temper with him, that's the first and most frequent signal to the child that you have totally lost control and that can't be because the kid hasn't even learned control yet. I avoid the first sign of weakness by maintaining a frightening degree of self control and reticence around children and men.

I can't beat the tar out of him because of the intake process of any jail you might choose. If they'd send me straight to a work detail on some Virginia mountainside, I'd attack the kid now. But I absolutely despise the booking process and the accompanying Classification. They could really punish most people simply by letting them pull the first 72 hours over and over again. After that it's nowhere near as bad as one might think.

I can't kill him, his mom would be really mad at me and I don't think I could hopscotch out of a murder charge. That, too, would involve a booking process anyway so it's out for 2 reasons.

I chose instead to give the young man wannabee exactly what he was giving me...nothing. He didn't want to shovel his mother's car out of the driveway or make it so that I could safely, and without thigh high boots, walk comfortably to the mailbox. We didn't ask much, considering the possibilities. He should have been out there the first day offering to help some neighbor with a snow blower so that the guy would be happy to blow in return. But, he was busy working at the Excuse Factory and any physical labor would have proven his visit to the factory pointless. If you ask this kid to walk up 2 steps, he'll climb the entire staircase to show you why he can't climb the other 2. It's incredible. I myself, did not make excuses, I simply served him as he was serving the family.

I went on 13 year old Excuse Boy strike. I stopped doing his laundry, told him not to even ASK for pancakes and our pleasant conversations ceased.

Considering how sweet I usually am, it can annoy a person to be deprived of me. Punishment decided. I told him why (with no excuses) I was being such a "not nice" person. "As long as your mother is snowed in and I can't safely walk down the stairs, you will be receiving no further family privileges from yours truly." That shut him up and lowered my blood pressure considerably.

Well, it took 24 hours but the kid finally relented...or so he says. I haven't seen the driveway yet. But, I'll give him the benefit of the doubt for chatting purposes. I won't fry a single pancake until that SUV is out of the driveway and yesterday's mail is in the house...dry, but I will let him be a part of a scintillating conversation.

Suddenly he's the normal kid who I rather like. Go figure.

You know...

...I've been trying to post some pictures I took of the snow but for some reason it won't work now. Damn it.

I'll git it later.

Anyway, apparently there is a lot of snow out there, it just depends on where you look. If you glance out a window at a landscape picture, it looks pretty sedate outside. But, when you start to try to maneuver in that crap, it seems a bit more caustic. I guess you're in trouble as soon as you realize that the door won't open. All the big doors open in but the storm doors all open out and out isn't easy with a couple feet of snow on the other side of a door.

My silly friend left a note telling me not to step out the front door. I thought she was concerned about mys safety but she was only afraid that some snow might fall back in and get on the carpet. I never thought that we'd get through a blizzard without some snow on the carpet. Hell, it's been all OVER the carpet.

My friend's idiot dog got stuck in the frame of my bed the other night. She woke me up in the middle of the night struggling to get out. Dazed and confused, I tried one thing after another before I finally realized that the dog was actually IN the frame and that some bed deconstruction was in order. It was no fun at all, by the time I took the bolt off the nut my hands were shaking. I thought the dog was paralyzed when she fell out of the bed...she's such an old dog. That was 3 AM and try as I might, I couldn't get back to sleep after that. I tried but just ended up watching some old black and white movie on TCM. Almost as good as sleep.

There's a 13 year old here who spends all of his time explaining why he can't do whatever it is he's supposed to be doing. Blizzards are no fun with kids in the house. (If they didn't mess up the snow, I would've gone out and played in the new stuff myself. But they screwed it up for me so I'm currently avoiding the snow outside. Apparently it stretches for quite some distance so I couldn't walk away if I wanted to.) This kid is amazing, if you take away all of his potential excuses in a discussion, he simply "forgets' the discussion. It's excuse making at the outer limits, the likes of which I've never seen before.

Well, my daughter is supposed to have her baby this month, I need to check Facebook or that kid will grow up before anyone tells me he's here.

I think I got the pictures now:


>

I'm not impressed...

...as a great fighter once said to his opponent, "Ain't so bad!"

Inexplicably, I have been in Chicago for the hugest blizzards in area lore. Consideriong how little time I've actually lived here as an adult, I seem to be around for most historical Chiacgo Blizzards. I was there in '67, driving through Bensenville during the Blizzard of '79 and making a poorly timed visit in '99. So far...this is nothing but a very pretty annoyance. They say the snow is blowing away into drifts. Now...except for the drifts overhanging an occasional gutter spout, I haven't seen any like the drifts in '67 that buried the front of our L-Shaped ranch. It was so massive that we could walk from the street across the yard and over the house where we walked to jump into the backyard snow. THAT was a storm. My father couldn't get in from the city and we were stuck in the suburbs with Mom. For days. All 6 of us. Looking back, I often wonder what her thoughts on birth control were as she applied them to herself. I assume she gave it some thought but I have no evidence to support that concept.

Anyway, all I remember of the '79 blizzard (besides being in a 3 day poker game) is praying a lot when I was trying to get home avoiding drunks and fools driving along side of me. The deal I made was that I would never go out on New Year's Eve again and I haven't. Actually, I don't want to. It's the night they let the nuts out and the blizzard potential just isn't worth it in Chicago. '99 was cool in that it affected me only by a delayed flight, no problem, I just didn't go to the airport. I do NOT suffer airports well and I long for the day that the only obstacle between me and my flight was the fat man waddling slowly in front of me. If you hit the ground running when you were dropped off, you could make a 9:55 flight by getting to the airport at 9:47. Oh well.

Anyway, before '67 you would have to go to before my father was born to read of record setting blizzards and therefore, I have the main events in my list-O-interesting personal life trivia. I think that, so far, this storm has been a bust here in ChicagoLand. While I admit the "pain in the ass scale" is taking a lickin'...any rumors of city-paralyzing, history making storms with it's "shear volume to be feared" have been grossly overstated. We're just fine.

We wiped out the grocery stores yesterday. I bought 2 huge economy size bags of Totino's Pizza Rolls and then nearly finished one of them off yesterday by myself. I could've done it if I were just a LITTLE BIT more piggish. I may stop late, but I generally see the red lights eventually...and a big fat belly is something that I can avoid easily. Not all of my personal red lights are so easily detected and avoided.

Anyway, I'm gonna give this storm a bit more time to show me what it's got or I'm calling it a dud.