Yes...the doctors ARE selling cigarettes

And so are Fred and Barney:

And why not...it's just so damned KOOOOOL!

Father sells baby on Craigslist...

...or at least he offered to sell the 7 day old infant on Craigslist. Asking price, ten grand. Sticking point...mother is not cooperating in the sale. Sober since learning that she was pregnant, 23 year old Bethany Granholm referred to the baby's father as "a bit of a dick" when questioned. Her child was placed in protective custody after police tracked down the would be merchants by simply calling the number in the ad.

Police deny reports that the baby's 26 year old father replied, "Speaking." after the cops called and asked for "the knucklehead who is selling the baby".

I've had husbands do some dumb stuff...but none of them ever tried to sell the children.

None of the reports contain denials from the father regarding drug use although there are a few allusions to that effect. Jeremy Pete maintains that although it was probably "one of the biggest mistakes that I've ever made", it was merely a joke. By way of proof he offers the fact that he "hung up on one guy who called." I just have one question...how many drugs do you have to do before putting your newborn infant for sale online?

I apologize...but I just thought of another question. If you WERE going to put a baby for sale as a joke, wouldn't you think it would have been funnier if you gave a different number...say maybe PaPa John's or something like that?

That wasn't a very creative joke. But I guess we all think our own jokes are pretty good. About 25 years ago, they came out with three way calling in my area. One day I decided to call two people and connect them (you just call one of them, click over, call the other one quickly, click again and wait for them both to answer.), then just sit back and listen to the conversation.

Eventually, someone would say, “So, why did you call?”

Naturally, someone always responded, “I didn’t call, you called me!”

Then they would both say something like this, “Ooohh! That’s spooky.”

At first, I hooked up people I knew. I hooked up my high school sweetheart with his best friend. That was fun. Halfway through the conversation, after the “Why did you call?” and the “I didn’t call.” part, I made a clicking sound and said, “Hello?” We all spoke. Luckily, they hadn’t said anything nasty about me. They wouldn’t have, I didn’t meet any really nasty people until I was 24 and I was only 21 at the time.

After a while, I ran out of people who knew each other so I started using the phone book to find John Smith Jr. and John Smith Sr.

The only thing I felt bad about was hearing this, “Mom, it’s Grandma, she SAID she didn’t call!” That was funny to me at the time. Oh well, I have company coming over so I have to go. Have a nice night...I know I will.

:)

ATTITUDE

There once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and noticed she had only three hairs on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'I think I'll braid my hair today.' So she did and she had a wonderful day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only two hairs on her head. 'H-M-M,' she said, 'I think I'll part my hair down the middle today.' So she did and she had a grand day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had only one hair on her head. 'Well,' she said, 'Today I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail.' So she did, and she had a fun, fun day.

The next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there wasn't a single hair on her head. 'YAY!' she exclaimed. 'I don't have to fix my hair today!'

Attitude is everything.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

Live simply,
Love generously,
Care deeply,
Speak kindly.......

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...

It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Recently...

..after I posted the pussy perfume piece, someone asked me how I came up with that stuff. I told her the truth...I don't have to look far at all. Most of this crap finds me.

For example, today I was having a discussion about pussy perfume. Right in the middle of the pussy chit chat, my friend told me about another product that took me aback...a bit. I'm starting to get used to this stuff. One of these days I'm gonna come up with an idea and it's people like the pussy perfume people who are my inspiration. If they can see their pussy dreams through...I can do anything. My ideas are no worse than pussy perfume. Or...something that many of you are unaware of...the Pussy Energy Drink.

Yes people, you read that right...a friend who was covering the Cannes Film Festival just got back and told me that whilst he was in France, he came across a new energy drink and it is, most assuredly, called "Pussy" and you can purchase it at PussyDrinks.com. Have fun.

Imagine...if Pussy has caffeine in it, I can give up my coffee and suck Pussy every morning instead.

If my friend hadn't seen the product in France...I might not have taken reports of a Pussy Drink seriously. But I know this guy and he is 100% telling me the truth...the French are downing Pussy's faster than we can keep up with them. And some man, somewhere is, as I type this, saying to a clerk somewhere, "How much is your Pussy?"

How would you like to see this shopping list posted on your refrigerator:

eggs
Biore' nose strips
4 kumquats
2 pie crusts
Kosher dill pickles (Spears...not the WHOLE pickle)
frozen blueberries
a case of Pussy

I don't know what Pussy tastes like...but I bet it would be bland. Maybe if they'd flavor it, I would try some. I might give lemon Pussy a try. Any citrus fruit flavored Pussy would be good.

I suppose some would like cherry flavored Pussy, but cherries are too sweet for me. I like tart stuff....I see no reason why I wouldn't like a can of some seriously tart Pussy. Like my cherry vanilla yogurt and orange Italian lemonade...cherry Pussy would be all that I would have left in the fridge.

Ooh! Strawberry Pussy! I could throw some strawberries, ice cubes and some Pussy in the blender and I'd have a Pussy Icee.

Damn, the possibilities are endless. Pussy pudding. A Pussy colada or for when you REALLY want to get fucked up...a Long Island Pussy. Once you have liquid Pussy, could Pussy Popsicles be far behind?

I wonder what's in Pussy? What if some bitch on the assembly line gets funny and plays a joke on the entire Pussy sucking population? That's dreadful to even think about. I can imagine doing that. But...I have to imagine that Pussy is just a name for an otherwise normal energy drink.

You know what's next don't you? The really scary thing is I know what THAT tastes like and I would HATE a salty beverage.

BLOG EXCLUSIVE...you will not read this anywhere else

Beep beep be beep beep beeeeeeep...

OMG! There's a newsflash coming over the wires as I type this!!!

Heard from an extremely reliable source:

John McCain and his "people" stayed at a "hotel in the Los Angeles area" at the exact same time as Michelle Obama and HER peeps were guests of the very same hotel.

We will never know if the Obama camp is to blame for the story that I am about to tell you...you be the judge. Just know that I have spoken to someone quite close to the investigation and you will not be able to find anyone who will deny these facts.

Here are the facts. A woman traveling in John McCain's entourage had her wallet stolen at the hotel. Eventually, the woman DID find her wallet. Everything was there...everything except her bank card, that is. So, the woman checked with her bank and found that the only thing that had been charged on her card was a $50 donation to the Obama for President Campaign.

The McCain supporter is disputing the charge with her bank and hopes to get her $50 back from the Obama campaign.

What Would Martin Think?

OBAMA...

Are you a student of BLACK LIBERATION THEOLOGY? Why have you been studying it for decades? Do you plan on continuing to worship along side of those who would destroy the "God of the white religion"? Did you really think that you would get away with it? Do you ABSOLUTELY denounce ANY theology that preaches hatred toward people of ANY color?

OBAMA...What would Martin Luther King Jr. think?

Yes, blacks were lynched. White people who fought against the injustices towards blacks were lynched as well. Yes, Africans were terrorized by the British. So were the Irish. Yes, blacks were enslaved. So were the Jews. Yes, hideous crimes of racial hatred were committed against black people. Tell it to the Bosnians. Like it or not, AIDS is an equal opportunity killer.

This planet is filled to the brim with victims. They are victims of those who proclaimed themselves more deserving of God's grace than those they oppressed. Sort of like the followers of Black Liberation Theology.

You could use this one...it's me when I read your rants...have a lovely day troll boy.

Black Liberation Theology

Obama has "distanced" himself from Trinity Church. For a moment, that seemed to be a good thing but as the Presidential candidate spoke it became clear that he was leaving so that Trinity would be free to worship without the watchful eye of the media. Obama confirmed that fact later when a reporter asked him why he won't denounce the controversial church with the answer, "I'm not going to denounce Trinity because Trinity isn't worthy of denouncing." Regardless of how that sounded, he meant it in a good way.

More disappointing than the Senator's refusal to denounce a racist church was the media's lack of questioning regarding the Black Liberation Theology. Did you ever wonder how people in black churches could possibly cheer for racist rants while sitting in a church of God? I did. So I began to search for an answer to that question.

The answer is simple. They aren't there to worship God. They are there to "settle the score" between blacks and non-blacks. And how can these people worship a racist man such as Jeremiah White? That's another easy one. Wright and other racists have done what so many evil men have done in the past...he has taken a passage from the bible to justify his hate. James Cone, one of the founders of Black Liberation Theology, uses this passage to claim righteousness:

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed, to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord. (Luke 4:18-19)

I always thought that black churches were Christian churches and while many of them certainly ARE Christian churches, many more are nothing more than rallying points for those who believe that Christianity offers nothing to the black man in THIS world. Christians believe in another world that Black Liberation Theologians do not want to wait for.

James Cone defines the savior that BLT's worship:

"Christ is black therefore not because of some cultural or psychological need of black people, but because and only because Christ really enters into our world where the poor were despised and the black are, disclosing that he is with them enduring humiliation and pain and transforming oppressed slaves into liberating servants."

Yes...that does, indeed, sound familiar. We heard it in Nazi Germany when Hitler decided that God's only true people were those of Aryan descent. Speaking of God, what does Cone say about The Almighty? His very own words answer that question:

"Black theology refuses to accept a God who is not identified totally with the goals of the black community. If God is not for us and against white people, then he is a murderer, and we had better kill him. The task of black theology is to kill Gods who do not belong to the black community ... Black theology will accept only the love of God which participates in the destruction of the white enemy. What we need is the divine love as expressed in Black Power, which is the power of black people to destroy their oppressors here and now by any means at their disposal. Unless God is participating in this holy activity, we must reject his love. "

Cone and his followers are preaching that a God who does not love blacks and blacks alone is an evil God who must be destroyed. This is not a secret goal of BLT's...they preach it out in the open with neither shame nor fear of Whitey hearing them.

Most blacks believe in the God of forgiveness and love of all peoples. So, it isn't as though Obama couldn't have found a nice Christian church to belong to. But, for one reason or another, he chose to worship in a church that openly threatens the God of Christianity. Did he do it because that's what he believes? Or did he do it for political expediency? In Chicago, the BLT's are a rather powerful group and apparently a "must have" when it comes to local power seekers. Neither rationale speaks well of Obama.

Obama's Islamic name worries many Americans. It needn't. Obama is apparently not a Muslim...he is not a Christian...he is a member of a church that preaches Black Liberation Theology. None of this is a surprise to the man who would be President. He has always been aware of the teachings of his church.

When I had my children christened, I had them christened in the church that they would be raised in. I hoped that my children would learn about a loving God and a religion that teaches tolerance for all of God's children. I never took them to a KKK rally. That's because I didn't want them to become White Supremacists. Obama has been taking his family to the temple of hate for twenty years. He had his children baptized in the church that he and his wife chose out of many, many other churches in the Chicago area.

What do you suppose it was about that church that so impressed the Obama's? Was it the fact that BLT teaches complete alienation from white people? Was it the Nazi-like beliefs that BLT espouses? Was it the fact that BLT teaches the total annihilation of the "white God"? Or does he like the, "If you're not for us then you're against us" mentality of BLT's?

Who is Obama? And if he worships a church that teaches black children to hate the white people, what is he up to? What are his plans when and if he ever becomes president? Does he plan on representing all Americans? Or does he plan on being true to his chosen church which maintains that salvation comes in the form of a black entity who will destroy the God of the white man?

Many people have justified Wright's racist rant by saying that his words were taken out of context. Perhaps they were. The problem is that the context that the words were in is much, much worse than any of us ever thought. People have said that we should have listened to the entire sermon that Wright preached the day he "damned America". It's impossible to do so because all traces of that sermon have been hidden away so that mainstream America, white, black and everyone in between, doesn't notice that there is most assuredly...a new Hitler in town.


PS I read a comment on FreeRepublic.com and if I hadn't just learned what the BLT church was, I would have passed over the rest of the comment as another racist rant. But in this case, the "rant" is quite prophetic, true and frightening. If you know me at all you know that I am not an alarmist. I wouldn't want to sully my reputation with racist non-sense. But this Black Liberation Theology is REAL and it is SCARY. The "followers" aren't even TRYING to hide it from you!

"Obama’s Mentor Wright -- Not “Typical” Racist (vanity)
Reverend Wright -- Senator Obama’s avowed mentor -- is not your “typical” racist.
He’s an Afro-centric racist!
Think “killer” Africanized bees vs. your everyday “typical” honey bee.
Both can sting, but the Africanized killers bees are far more likely to attack than typical normal bees.
Bees are interesting in that when they sting… they die!
Like the strap-a-bomb-on terrorists that kill others by blowing themselves up!"

Prove it to yourself by doing a computer search on Black Liberation Theology and when you do, send the information to fellow Americans. This is something that we all need to know. Hurry up now...go do what I told you to do!


Cone says about white people:

"...For them, loving one's neighbor "becomes emotional and sentimental. This sentimental, condescending love accounts for their desire to "help" by relieving the physical pains of the suffering blacks so they can satisfy their own religious piety and keep the poor powerless." But advocates of a black theology of liberation will not allow whites to get off so easy. "Authentic love is not 'help,'" Cone writes, "not giving Christmas baskets, but working for political, social, and economic justice, which always means a redistribution of power. It is the kind of power which enables blacks to fight their own battles and thus keep their dignity..."

“A moral or theological appeal based on a white definition of morality or theology will serve as a detriment to our attainment of black freedom. The only option we blacks have is to fight in every way possible, so that we can create a definition of freedom based on our own history and culture. We must not expect white people to give us freedom. Freedom is not a gift, but a responsibility, and thus must be taken against the will of those who hold us in bondage.”

"...Theologically," Cone affirms, "Malcolm X was not far wrong when he called the white man 'the devil.'" The false Christianity of the white-devil oppressor must be replaced by an authentic Christianity fully identified with the poor and oppressed..."

Excerpt from the BLT Mission Statement:

"...We are called out to be "a chosen people" that pays no attention to socio-economic or educational backgrounds. We are made up of the highly educated and the uneducated. Our congregation is a combination of the haves and the have-nots; the economically disadvantaged, the under-class, the unemployed and the employable. The fortunate who are among us combine forces with the less fortunate to become agents of change for God who is not pleased with America’s economic mal-distribution!..."

"These people are a part of me. And they are part of America, this country that I love.."
-Barack Obama (speaking of his fellow BLT parishoners)

I could write...

...an entire post about Obama and that whack job white dude who offended Hillary and every decent American on the planet with his racist rant on the pulpit of Obama's church. But I am not one of those who thinks that Obama should be judged too much by his associations. Certainly this freak isn't attached to him in any way that bothers me.

Obama had nothing to do with that and as we've seen, he's not going to do much about it. I don't know that he should...that's an argument for another day. What really offends me is the reaction of the people in the pews.

I meet a lot of black people day to day and none of them, ever...in my presence, has said that they want to Damn America. They seem like perfectly normal people. Where are the normal black people who would walk against racism...wherever it rears it's ugly head?

I would put every dime I had on the fact that in a church full of white people on any given Sunday, if you had some KKK dude get up and preach anti-black sentiments, you would see people get up and walk away in droves. That's why the KKK doesn't come recruiting people in our churches...we simply wouldn't allow it. We being the everyday white people who have evolved socially to a point where we are ready to live hand in hand with the black community. The problem is the black community doesn't seem to want to live hand in hand with us.

It seems as though there's a vicious game of racial tag and we can't find a time and a leader who can come together to lead all Americans...black, white, red and yellow...to a place that Martin Luther King could be proud of.

If there are churches full of black people cheering for Farakans, Jackson's and White's...there is no way on God's green earth that you can say that MLK would be proud. If there are people with posters of Che Guevera hanging on their walls influencing a major presidential candidate, we need to know this.

It's not too late yet. Obama CAN earn the respect of all people. And he has the perfect opportunity to make a HUGE mark in history. He has the chance to be the president who brought Black America and White America together. That's huge...really, really huge.

But he can't do it if he can't get our attention and as long as these nuts are talking louder than Obama is talking...we can't hear Obama at all. He needs to wipe these yahoos off the face of the news by making the news himself. He needs to find a way to lead black people to a place where they would walk out on racism rather than give it a standing ovation. He needs to find a way to lead white people to a place where we can accept that he truly does represent ALL of the people.

Where are the black people who would walk away from racism? I know they're out there. Obama be damned...we need to hear from THOSE people.

It'll give you the shivering willies!

You know...

...after checking the size of the video I just posted, I think I'd rather just post a link to it:

http://www.eyeblast.tv/Public/Video.aspx?rsrcID=2036

It really is worth watching...perfect weekend material.

Cruelies BlackHat System

I've been around long enough...

...to have annoyed a person here or there. I've made a lot of friends but along the way, I've also met few nutcases. Some of you are aware of most of the really nutty nutcases and a few of you have been around long enough to know that years ago, a group of pissy nerds who call themselves "Cruelies" got irritated with me for some unknown reason and they haven't yet gotten over that stupid grudge. As I always said regarding my most recent lunatic attack...how sad must it be that these slugs have nothing better to do with their time than to cyber bully a complete stranger.

The exact same weekend that I began this blog, I discovered Craigslist. I posted my first post on that site that entire first weekend. Then, I saw a comment on Cruel.com that contained a list of every single Craigslist Ad that I had posted. Someone had already begun cyber stalking me way back then, before this blog was a week old. And if I'm not mistaken, it's that same nit wit who is still flagging me for removal from Craigslist. I think the guys who run Craigslist are pretty decent, I've never been banned or anything. But they do remove stuff after a certain numebr of flags are put on a post and it seems as though some freaks with too much spare time are going around creating software that does just that.

I figured that someone had some software that told them when I posted an ad and so they just followed me around. That's what it seemed like, 98% of the things that I posted on Craigslist were flagged for removal without any reason. It didn't matter if it was one little rant, a business ad or one little room mate search...my posts never lasted the 45 days they were supposed to last.

Then, I came across this:

http://wahnewstoday.com/blog/2008/05/16/what-is-the-craigslist-black-hat-system-flagged-for-removal/

I've quietly paid attention over the past few years and I've noticed the Cruelies use the word "blackhat". Now I know what they mean.

These yahoos have software that screws with Craigslists' very lists. I never stood a chance. It's amazing that I'm even here to tell you what these morons don't want you to know.

- Black hat is used to describe a hacker (or, if you prefer, cracker) who breaks into a computer system or network with malicious intent. Unlike a white hat hacker, the black hat hacker takes advantage of the break-in, perhaps destroying files or stealing data for some future purpose. The black hat hacker may also make the exploit known to other hackers and/or the public without notifying the victim. This gives others the opportunity to exploit the vulnerability before the organization is able to secure it.
A definition from WhatsIt.com


http://www.craigslist-book.com/craigslist-post-flagging.html

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20080208135923AAZ8cf2

PS

I seem to have irritated the Foolies...they are after me again. Apparently, sunlight irritates the bottom dwellers of society.


FOUND ON THE INTERNET:

"...Messageboards and communities for trolls do exist. These are either explicitly for trolls and used to co-ordinate attacks on other groups, or they are used by people who wish to share and discuss material that would be classed as offensive elsewhere (I guess the Cruel.com boards might be a good example of this category). I don't know what troll communities created to organise attacks might be like because they are generally very secretive, keeping all discussion private; a committed individual could probably infiltrate but you'd have to a) troll other boards to prove yourself and b) care..."

SITE WHERE BLOGGER MANIPULATES PLIABLE FREAK FOOLIES:

http://myblog.ottawaarts.com/archives/2006/04/your-country-is-already-gone/

I remember when The Natural Look...

...was what we women spent our hard earned money to strive for. I spent a lot of time primping so that I would look like I just jumped out of bed all primped up. If I really woke up looking like that I wouldn't have bothered, but alas, I do not look my best in the mornings. Most mornings I write to you looking pretty damned frightening.

And...I have perfume. If I smelled like Obsession I wouldn't spray any on me. I wonder if our natural smell was all perfumy...would we eventually start to spray on body odors so that you would KNOW that we showered?

That made no sense and I am aware of that fact. But...that's the very situation that we seem to have now. Of course, we don't smell like perfume, but most of us are pretty clean and don't smell like body odor either. So...since we silly females have gone and cleaned ourselves so well, we have to remind men of what we really smell like. For that reason, I introduce Vulva to you...a new perfume that is...exactly what you think it is:

I was going to post the link to the ad but it's pretty hard core so if you want to, you can just look it up yourself. And I am not pulling one of those stupid jokes where I have everyone taking their cars to be fixed because of a muffler virus...you really will find a perfume that smells like funky female coochie.

It doesn't say it smells like a "funky female" but what other kind of woman goes around smelling like...pussy? Only a truly funked up woman would make anyone standing next to her say, "Oh my...what is that...oh my...God...it's...pussy!" And then you have those cologne whores who wear so much that they can stink up an entire office, bus or restaurant. I don't want to eat my Grand Slam next to some bitch who follows any fishy fad that comes along.

That explains a few things. I was thinking that my ex could have done more to keep himself odor free but perhaps it was just a gift from one of his mistresses...."Taint for Men...The cologne that will remind her of the 69 you guys did last week".

That's all I need. I'm telling you right now, the next dude I do is gonna be one clean mother fucker. I don't want anymore 69 surprises.

You know, you get quite a view from down there. And once you're really into it...it's kinda awkward to get out of in a hurry. You could open your eyes and see a tiny piece of man shit all dried up and hanging from an ass hair...how do you get out of there in a hurry?

I guess that's the price we women pay for our struggle to stay on the bottom. I am so into the bottom that I once dumped a guy with a bad back because I couldn't imagine a future with a dude who HAD to be on the bottom. There is no future in that...I don't mind an occasional trip up top, but I don't have the energy to take over the top spot in the lovemaking department on a permanent basis.

Oh well. I think I need a shower...but I'm wondering, like my fingernails, should I just take advantage of what God has blessed me with and go au naturale? Unfortunately, long, stringy, oily hair isn't in yet. I think dudes can get away with it but chicks can't.

I'm positive that my ex didn't know about that pussy perfume. If he had I'm quite sure that I would have heard this, "A guy at work brought some of that new pussy perfume in to show us and he sprayed some at my face...I swear!"

I would LOVE to hear from the first wife out there who DOES get that excuse from a husband who comes from "work" without washing his face. (If you DO hear, "I was walking through Nordstrom's and the perfume lady attacked me with her pussy spray!"...please email me. I want to write a book about your husband.)

Oops...I have to answer the door. BRB.

OK, I'm back. I was half expecting the Avon lady to come by and try to sell me a knock off on pussy spray. OMG! It just occurred to me that some company will come up with a cheap, imitation pussy perfume that Walgreen's will sell along side of the real pussy perfume. The only thing worse than pussy perfume has got to be cheap, imitation pussy perfume.

I'm working on my own idea...Crotch for Men. I'll market it in San Francisco first and if it goes over, I'll take it national. Then, I'll finish my other project, a unisex perfume for men OR women called Ass in an Atomizer. I've had to put that product on the back burner for now because the atomizer's cost more than the Ass. Once I get some start-up capital, I'll get it on the shelves.

I am selling stock so if any of you want to buy a few shares of my company, Funky People Fragrances Inc., just let me know.

OK then.

You know, today I thought a lot about that Obama dude. There was a time when I had pretty much decided that he would be my choice for President. I'm not nuts about McCain, I think we need to get past the Clintons and I figured that Obama had a lot to offer in the way of something new. But as I quickly learned, Obama isn't anything new. He's the same old thing that we've had for the past 8 years...a seemingly nice enough guy with very little in the way of gray matter.

All day I kept hearing Obama answer the press (who were asking a presidential candidate for his views on some presidential "stuff") with that whiny, "Why can't I just eat my waffle." I predict that "Why can't I just eat my waffle?" will be Obama's answer to "Don't taze me bro!".

Howard Dean had his "I have a scream" speech, Nixon had his Checkers Speech (Look that one up Obama, it was BEFORE the Cuban Missile Crisis) and now Obama has his Waffle Wimper. Look for things to go downhill for the Senator from here.

Consider this, I set out to post a collection of a few Obama-isms that might make people smile a bit. I was amazed at the pot pourie of preposterous prosodies. Obama's hebetudinous cup runneth over. And he's only been around for what...a year? Year and a half? Do you have any idea how many more stupid things he can say in 4 years? And as President his blunders have the capacity to muff things up a bit.

Just a little something to sleep on.

And no, I am NOT sexist. I'm an equal opportunity annoyance.

I didn't have to look far to find this Top Ten List of Hillary's Stupid Comments at About.com by Daniel Kurtzman:

10. "I have to confess that it's crossed my mind that you could not be a Republican and a Christian."
9. "God bless the America we are trying to create."
8. "We have a lot of kids who don't know what works means. They think work is a four-letter word."
7. “He ran a gas station down in St. Louis... No, Mahatma Gandhi was a great leader of the 20th century.” –introducing a quote by Mahatma Gandhi
6. “Who is going to find out? These women are trash. Nobody’s going to believe them.” –on Bill Clinton’s bimbo eruptions
5. “If I didn’t kick his ass every day, he wouldn’t be worth anything.” –on Bill Clinton
4. "I suppose I could have stayed home and baked cookies and had teas, but what I decided to do was to fulfill my profession which I entered before my husband was in public life."
3. "We are going to take things away from you on behalf of the common good."
2. "I have said that I'm not running and I'm having a great time being pres — being a first-term senator." —on her presidential ambitions
1. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."

Anyway, I'm tired from laughing so hard today. Tomorrow we'll talk about Dubya.

:)

Have you ever had one of those days...

...you're minding your own business, posting a silly rant on Craigslist and within an hour, some asshole has flagged you for removal? I get that a lot. Craisglist takes the easy coward route...if there are enough nazi's disagreeing with any one post they send an automated "removal" notice that never tells you specifically just what egregious Craigslist rule you've violated...it's more of a "Enough assholes don't like you so we don't like you either. We're taking our balls and going home...and you're grounded from posting that again."

I have to know...just who the hell are these nazi's? Who is that votes on whether or not my ideas have crossed some silly line? Why is it that they care at all what I have to say? What is it that those freaks are afraid of? I want to know. And I have another question, how many nazi's does it take before a post is flagged? If enough people flag ALL the posts, will the damn thing be empty?

The firemen over at Craigslist are making Bradbury proud.

UPDATE-You'll be happy to know that this post has been flagged for removal:

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Date: 2008-05-29 08:40:27PostID: 699620565Title: (rants & raves) Flagged For Removalhttp://diaryofmydivorce.blogspot.com/2008/05/have-you-ever-had-one-of-those-days.html

It's NOT a black thing

Dubya and 'Bama

Proof that Americans are just as likely to vote for a stupid black guy as they are a stupid white guy.

I didn't say a word

"Look at him . . . the hairline, the ears, he looks just like Curious George,"

Mike Norman, owner of Mulligan's Bar and Grill in Cobb County.

"I don't want people to think this is what Marietta is all about," she added, motioning towards the tavern. "This is what some people think the South is still like. Marietta's come a long way but I guess it's still got a little ways to go." She said she'd like to see the city ban Norman's provocative musings regularly posted on a sign out front of the bar, which is near Marietta's downtown square. Those who gathered Tuesday say they will continue their campaign against Norman's "hate speech."

Some nutty lady who ran from one bar to another when she heard that there were news cameras at Mulligan's. I've tasted the food at Mulligan's, she wasn't there for the home cooking.

Meg from Marietta says...

I just drove up Roswell Street...the chimpanzees are picketing the t-shirt people.

Seriously.

WTF?!?!?!

Found on ThePeachPundit.com...

"If I was McClellan’s momma, I’d disown him now. No, I take that back. First I’d slap him, then I’d disown him. Then tell everyone I knew not to buy his book, but rather just steal the damn thing..."

I worked with a bunch of incompetent bakers once. I ran the oven for 6 years. I saw EVERY SINGLE FUCKED UP COOKIE before it went out to the public. I passed them out personally.

That Obama guy is a smooth talker, isn't he?

Obama says,

"I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go."

Which one is that? Guam?

"In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died -- an entire town destroyed."

He was only off by 9,988.

"I had a uncle who was one of the, who was part of the first American troops to go into Auschwitz and liberate the concentration camps,"

LOLOLOLOL...The WASHINGTON POST published that comment. How many idiots had to clear it before it was put into print?

"The point I was making was not that Grandmother harbors any racial animosity. She doesn't. But she is a typical white person..."

Yeah dude, I know the stereotype.

"...That’s silly talk… Talk to my wife. She’ll tell me I need to learn to just put my socks on the hamper..."

Do you have any plans for your next trick? How long have you been working on this one?

"...Iran, Cuba, Venezuela—these countries are tiny compared to the Soviet Union. They don’t pose a serious threat to us the way the Soviet Union posed a threat to us. And yet we were willing to talk to the Soviet Union at the time when they were saying, ‘We’re going to wipe you off the planet...”

That's the problem with the young people. They don't remember the Cuban Missile Crisis. And perhaps he wasn't there the day they discussed The Cold War in school.

“In our age there is no such thing as ‘keeping out of politics.’ All issues are political issues, and politics itself is a mass of lies, evasions, folly, hatred, and schizophrenia.”

Well all I have to say to that is YIKES!

"Hillary wants to mandate universal health care coverage but she is not garnishing peoples' wages to make sure they have it!"

Oh goody. Maybe Obama can garnish my wages to pay for therapy. After all:

"...You go into these small towns in Pennsylvania and, like a lot of small towns in the Midwest, the jobs have been gone now for 25 years and nothing’s replaced them. And they fell through the Clinton administration, and the Bush administration, and each successive administration has said that somehow these communities are going to regenerate and they have not..."

Yeah, I bet he's right about the administration that succeeds Bush. I'm glad to hear they put Pennsylvania back.

"...We have real enemies in the world. These enemies must be found. They must be pursued and they must be defeated..."

Well, I'm inspired, where do I sign up to fight for that General? I like the way he thinks.

"...On this Memorial Day, as our nation honors its unbroken line of fallen heroes -- and I see many of them in the audience here today -- our sense of patriotism is particularly strong..."

Maybe the they just want you to help them. I would think that you could use the votes.

“And of course they’re bitter. Of course they’re frustrated,” Obama told supporters. “You would be too — in fact many of you are, because the same thing has happened here in Indiana. … Nobody is thinking about you...it’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations...”

Don't hold back Obie...tell us what you really think of us. Antipathy to those not like them? Is that...racism? Did Obama just call me racist?

"...If you’re walking down the right path and you’re willing to keep walking, eventually you’ll make progress..."

Then why have I been walking in a straight line for an hour and yet I'm still at the same spot from which I began. I guess "I'll just keep walking".

"We cannot solve the problems of America if every time somebody somewhere says something stupid that we all get up in arms and we forget about the war in Iraq or we forget about the economy. ... I don't want that kind of politics. I want the kind of politics that gets stuff done."

Excuse me...WTF!?!?!

"Pot had helped, and booze; maybe a little blow when you could afford it. Not smack, though,"

Hell no...smack is whack.

"...I cannot swallow whole the view of Lincoln as the Great Emancipator..."

Sure you can, kick it back with a shot of bourbon and a doobie.

"...I've got two daughters. 9 years old and 6 years old. I am going to teach them first of all about values and morals. But if they make a mistake, I don't want them punished with a baby..."

I was "punished" with three children. I'm just not quite sure what I did to deserve them. Ooh, what did YOU do to deserve YOUR kids? Enquiring minds want to know.

"...Huh. It works. It makes sense."

Huh. Uh uh (she said as she shook her head from left to right to signal, "NOOOOO! It doesn't. It really, really doesn't.)

"...This budget tells our veterans that if they want increased funding for the VA they’ll have to pay for it themselves..."

For some reason, that comment made me laugh out loud. I can't even verbalize why. It just did.

"...Issues are never simple. One thing I'm proud of is that very rarely will you hear me simplify the issues..."

Oh no...God forbid.

"John Kerry believes in an America where hard work is rewarded."

That BASTARD!

"Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions."

I think you were like, serious about the John Kerry comment.

"...My pastor did say, my former pastor, said some very objectionable things when I was not in church on those particular days..."

But what I respectfully query...DO YOU BELIEVE THAT THE UNITED STATES ACTUALLY INFECTED THE AFRICAN AMERICAN COMMUNITY with HIV??? Sir? I don't HEAR you!!!!!

"My parents...would give me an African name, Barack, or blessed, believing that in a tolerant America your name is no barrier to success."

Maybe they were pulling a Johnny Cash, Barrack Hussein.

"...The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife..."

Uh...where do I begin?

"..We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent..."

And life is like a box of chocolates.

"...We worship an awesome God in the Blue States, and we don't like federal agents poking around our libraries in the Red States. We coach Little League in the Blue States and have gay friends in the Red States..."

BWAHAHAHAHA!!!

"...When we think of the major threats to our national security, the first to come to mind are nuclear proliferation, rogue states and global terrorism. But another kind of threat lurks beyond our shores, one from nature, not humans - an avian flu pandemic..."

I have to give it to him, nukes, Iran and terrorism DO come to mind when I think of threats.

"...You know, my faith is one that admits some doubt..."

Not mine. You duuuuumb, ain't NOOOOO doubt.

“When people tell me they’ve all stressed about racial discord, well, you know, try slavery for a while.”

Tell us more slave dude!

“...I would like somebody who knows about a bunch of stuff that I’m not as expert on..."

Me too. They call those guys presidents.

When Senator Clinton brags ‘I’ve met leaders from eighty countries’–I know what those trips are like! I’ve been on them. You go from the airport to the embassy. There’s a group of children who do a native dance.

Did they have bones in their noses?

“...I traveled to Pakistan when I was in college–I knew what Sunni and Shia was [sic] before I joined the Senate Foreign relations committee..."

Did you take a course in economics too? I sure as hell hope so.

"...one of the obvious high priorities in my talks with President Hugo Chavez would be the fermentation of anti-American sentiment in Latin America..."

Salud!

And finally, one last Obama-ism:

"Why can't I just eat my waffle?"

I want you to know that I avoided the temptation of tagging this post with a list of stupid things Barrack Obama says, gaffes and other ramblings of a Presidential candidate.

Additional quotes that I found at TheFreeRepublic.com...

"I'm putting you on notice. I'm very sensitive to jokes about my ears."

Great...now the Chinese know his button.

“Hold on a second, Sweetie.”

I will snookie ookums!

"...We cant keep our homes on 72 at all times & just expect that other countries are going to say OK..."

Can we stay up late on school nights? Check with Zimbabwe and get back to me.

"I just don't want to be involved in a political stunt,"

Now he tells me.

Pandora said...

...that she is newly "single". She and her boyfriend broke up yesterday. They were only together for a little under a year but that's still a hurdle to jump. Even if you haven't been together for years and years, your state of mind was that of a person in a relationship and most plans you've made were based on that state of mind.

As the song says, "You're a hard habit to break."

A lot of things have been hard habits for me to break since my marriage blew up in my face. I can't even find the strength to leave the house that we lived in. I don't think it's a problem but my father suggested that maybe I stay here hoping Rick will come back. I don't think so, I certainly don't do that consciously. I go for days without so much as thinking about him but when I hear my dad say stuff like that, I wonder.

I've changed most of the house. I totally redid 2 bedrooms, one bathroom and the living room. Those rooms don't look the same as they did when Rick was here at all. I certainly haven't created a chantry to Rick or anything, what do you think? Is it possible to subconsciously do things that you don't give a second thought to? Wouldn't I be somewhat aware if I were staying here for reasons other than this is where I live and I'm comfortable here?

Today I have accomplished cleaning the bathroom. I did the bathroom that only has a bathtub in it. I keep the kitty litter in there and every so often I have to bleach the entire room and wash the shower curtain in bleach. I wish that I could do that to every room in the house. That's the only room that I can scrub down so well. The other rooms have carpet so when I want really, really clean walls, I just paint them.

Before Rick left I had never painted a room by myself. Since he's been gone I've painted a bunch of my own rooms and a couple of my father's rooms. It's not as tough as it looks. Of course I'd rather have a painter dude do it, but whether he wants me to pay him in cash or move in with him, the price is too high.

LOLOLOL...Payton just went "on guard" because I told him too. But I could tell he wasn't really in to it when he just barked a couple of times and listened for a moment before collapsing on the floor. He didn't do it in a protective way, he's flat on his face in a "Hi, my name is Blue and I love this shack's front porch." sort of way. My hero.

Actually, he is a very good watch dog. He doesn't let anybody near the house. He must be able to tell the differences between car engines because he doesn't bark when someone I know pulls up. That's odd, unless it's a car with no muffler, they all sound pretty much the same to me. That's why I blow engines up. I don't know that something's wrong. It's like if I have checks I can't be broke and if the car moves it can't be broke. When the car breaks it'll stop. I'll worry about it when it happens.

Damn, I sure am a good digresser. I was talking about Payton and what a good watch dog he is. He will bark like a maniac if someone comes up to the door and he won't stop until I let the person in. If I don't let them in, Payton doesn't stop barking. I like that.

And that's all I have to say about that.

LOLOL, now Stewie is making me laugh. He's climbed up on my desk and he's not supposed to do that. He knows better. Once when I was at work, I was down in the cafeteria eating and I watched as 2 guys walked in and toted off the cafeteria microwaves. I didn't think anything of it until I heard that they had been stolen. The best way to commit some crimes is blatantly, right out in public. Well, Stewie must think that way because of all the room on my desk, he chose a spot right in front of me...here's his butt sticking out on my printer:





Here he is, hiding right in front of the camera:

He's thinking, If I get away with this, I'm lying down and getting comfortable."

So he does.

Talk about respect...I get none. Oh well.

Guten Tag!

We wrapped the prison scenes yesterday so my part in Tyler Perry's new movie is pretty much over. I had considered resubmitting different pictures under the name Maggie instead of Meg. I would have sent in another picture and hoped to slip through the cracks. I can't work on the movie as a prisoner AND a person in a different scene. But, as icky as we had to look in the prison scenes, I'm sure that I could clean up and no one would recognize me.

Yesterday we shot quite a few scenes, as I said Tyler works quickly. But as usual, most of the day was spent waiting in between scenes. The jail we were in is still home to some cops...they lease out the back part of the jail. We had one cop sitting there watching us the entire time. He said it was to protect our stuff but I've never seen a production company have someone "watching" stuff who wasn't in the crew. They usually hire their own security.

But he was fun to talk to so I did that for a while. I was talking to a LOT of people because there were so many of them there.

First, we shot a scene in the visitors room. My visitors were a white guy and a black chick. I guess the black chick was marrying my son. We had to mime our words so I mimed her questions about her dreds and she mimed me back how she did it. My "son" wasn't much of a talker...he just sat there and watched us miming about girl stuff.

On Why Did I Get Married, my "date" and I mimed and even though he was only miming, I couldn't get a word in edgewise. When you're miming in a movie, you have to take turns doing it, you can't look like you're both speaking to each other at the same time. I do NOT want to end up listed as a Goof on IMDB.com . That wouldn't look good on a resume. At one point yesterday I just started miming Mary Had a Little Lamb. No one will ever know.

We also filmed a few scenes outside in which we "the prisoners out in the yard", cheered as Candy and Madea walked free. That was actually no fun for me because they asked if anyone could smoke. There was no one who said that they currently smoked but I made the mistake of saying, "I used to!" So, that stupid comment got me the role of "smoker" in the inmate scene. There were a few women back in holding who would have loved that job but they had to do so many takes that by the last one, I was sure I had developed lung cancer. They didn't even give me menthol fags, I had to smoke Winston longs.

I reached back to my knowledge of street type people as I held the cigarette and at one point I just put it in my mouth so that I could clap. Even when I did smoke, I never would have left a cigarette hanging out of my face like that.

Anyway, I was in that scene and it took a while to shoot. First Tyler was directing and he was dressed as himself. That was when Candy was getting out. Then he changed into Madea and SHE got out. That man works faster than any other director I've ever worked with. It's not at all bad for the background people but it must suck for the grips and camera people. They have to move all that equipment back and forth every time they change scenes.

Anyway, I found out that the judges in the movie will be being played by both Judge Mablean and Judge Mathis. They'll be filming their parts next week. I would LOVE to work on those scenes. But alas, I am a prisoner in this movie.

The hair guy did something really odd. I went to the set with my hair in a pony tail and the guy took my pony out and put another pony in only he used a rubber band. That's NOT good. He put it in so tightly that I couldn't get it out. Someone had to help me and even they had trouble with it. If I had to have a pony tail, I don't know why I couldn't have just had a pony tail with a normal pony thing in my head. Oh well.

In a real jail the inmates use the tops of their elastic socks to make pony tails. They are some seriously resourceful women. They use M&M's for make up...they lick the M&M and then wipe the color on their eyes, cheeks or lips. I wonder if they could sand down a Clark bar and make a shank out of it? Ya think?

With my luck some nutty prisoner somewhere will read this and end up stabbing another prisoner with a Clark bar. I wonder if I would be considered an accessory before the fact? Oh well, if I have to go to jail I know how to do it now.

While I was chatting with the cop who was sitting with us, I asked him how far we would get dressed like that. He said, "Not far...those aren't our prisoner's clothes but you could be from another jail." So, when I wanted to take a group of about 5 other prisoners and run down the streets of Forest Park, I guess it's a good thing that we never did it. One chick said that it'd be good publicity for the movie. She was probably right but I think they were more interested in completing their work than they were losing their prisoners to a real jail.

Of course, I still have my own Department of Corrections shirt...I could always try it alone. (They let me keep the one I wore yesterday because the prison scenes were done. I took the other one back.) So, I suppose I could end up in jail sometime soon but I'm quite sure that I'd be let go quickly, I never heard of the crime "impersonating a prisoner". I suppose they could charge me with disturbing the peace...but once again, if I played it stupid enough, who knows what I could get away with.

I did wear that shirt to the grocery store the other day. No one arrested me. Nobody even asked any questions. I bet a few of them did wonder...I certainly would have. I didn't see any cops but I did see a couple of firemen from the firehouse around the corner. I guess they didn't care about my skinny ass as long as they were able to go back to work cooking great meals for themselves. I see those firemen in that grocery store so often that they must be eating up one helluva spread over there. If I were ever starving, I would go straight to a fire station. Those guys can really cook.

I imagine those fire dudes cooking as well as this video blogger who is always cooking up something great:

http://alittlebitofchristo.blogspot.com/

Remember not to go to that blog hungry, you'll be quite sorry if you do!

Well, I'm going to go take a shower and get ready for the day...I'll be back shortly.

Meg

A little gift from me to you!

Happy Memorial day to all!

People all over this country are bar-b-queing today and we won't get any mail because this is the day that we remember and honor all the men and women who have given their lives so that I may come here and say whatever I want to say without fear of government interference. So, thanks to them all, my life is my own and I have the freedom to do anything that I want to do and for that, I am so very grateful.

Yesterday I took Payton for a walk in the Kennesaw Battlefield. That is an amazing place, full of beautiful little nooks and crannies as well as memorials to honor those who fought and died there in 1864, on June 27 through the 29th. Kennesaw Mountain was the last real barrier that Sherman battled during his famous March to the Sea from Atlanta.

I live pretty much in the battlefield. It's so big that there are many large roads that go through it but you can still turn off one of those roads and wander around for hours, either hiking, by horseback or just like I did, taking a dog for a walk.

This is the Illinois Monument:

Many, many men from Illinois died far from home fighting for our nation and the locals put up that monument after both sides called a truce. Where else but in America can you find a memorial to the "enemy" right smack dab in the middle of battlefield?

I drive into the battlefield off of Dallas Highway down a tree lined street that you can park along and just walked into the woods. Yesterday I walked in at Cheatam Hill, the site of one of the most ferocious battles fought in Kennesaw. As you walk in, within 1000 feet you'll see at least 4 memorials including this one:

That is the grave of the Unknown Soldier of Kennesaw Mountain. In the 1930's, when they were turning the battlefield into a national park, they found the body of a soldier who had died in that very spot some 70 years before. They buried him where he fell and marked his grave with the stone of an Unknown Soldier.

On Cheatam Hill, at one point you can stand right where the Union officers hid behind a lip in the hill maybe 50 feet away from the very place where the Confederates were firing. You can still see the Earthenworks that the Confederate soldiers hid behind as they fired at the approaching Union army at a place they call The Dead Angle. There's still a small opening where the Union army attempted to tunnel under the Earthenworks so that they could blow up the Confederate stronghold.

As I was walking through the battlefield and reading the markers along the path, I read one that discussed the oak stump that stood right there. When that old oak tree was cut down a while back, they found many, many bullets in it. So, as I walked along the path, when I would find a felled tree, I would pull the rotting bark off of it looking for more bullets. All I found were the termites and millipedes that have made the stumps their home.

I walked so far in that I got lost but what a place to get lost! Payton and I jumped a small creek and walked into it at one point where the rocks were all smooth from where the water runs when Georgia is not in a major drought. We saw horse prints and I wished that I had a horse. I would love to ride through that place on horseback.

Hidden right in the middle of a major Atlanta suburb, the paths of the battlefield go on for miles. You can walk for the entire day and not see a single sign of civilization.

On the few occasions that we passed other people, almost every single person we passed commented about how big my dog was. I've been walking him in the battlefield for years so he is pretty good about not eating other dogs. But, he really, really likes to smell their backsides so I had to brace my feet up against large tree roots to keep a tight hold on him. Other people don't see a big, dumb, happy dog when they look at Payton, they see a huge animal that weighs more than the skinny lady holding on to him. I imagine most people think that I won't be able to hold on to him but he hasn't gotten away from me since the first time I took him walking in there.

That time he was just a puppy and he would occasionally hang himself on my apple trees out in the back yard. When I took him to the battlefield for the first time he bolted and ran into the woods. I was terrified that he might hang himself in that forest and I would never find him. Of course I did, and now he's a well trained dog that loves that place. I can't even say the word "battlefield" in front of him lest I get ready to grab the keys and head on over to the park.

There's one thing that bothers me about that place. I take a pooper scooper and a bag with me so that I can clean up after my dog. If someone sees Payton and then sees his mess, it's not tough to figure out which dog did it. The piles of dog shit left by my dog are bigger than most of the other dogs in the park. Well, as we walk around the park, we pass piles of horse shit that no one has to stop and pick up. Why am I cleaning up after a dog that's almost as big as a horse while the horses crap willy nilly anywhere they want to?

So many people take their dogs into that battlefield that the dogs smell a LOT of different smells. And when a dog smells another dog, they pee on the smell so that the next dog smells THEM. Well, within twenty minutes, Payton had peed on so many trees that I wondered why he didn't run out. That dog must have had quite a store of dog pee. He didn't drink from the creek, he just peed along the sides of it. I was waiting for him to pass out from dehydration when we were lost.

But he made it out just fine and I think I'm going to go back today. Yesterday when I was there I wished that I had brought a camera because I saw so many beautiful things. This time I will. Yeah, that's what I'm going to do today...I'll buy a camera and take Payton back. I think he missed a few trees so today he can pee on those.

As I walk through the battlefield, I stand still and listen...hoping to catch a sound of years gone by. I look out over the clearings and see the Union army approaching Cheatam Hill. I look at the Illinois Monument and wonder if anyone I know had a great grandfather who gave his life right there. It isn't difficult at all to imagine the images of a battle fought long ago and to silently honor those who died there in June of 1864.

So, as you eat your hamburgers and chicken today...say a little prayer for those who died so that we may all live in such a wonderful country. And say an extra prayer that someday soon, ALL of the battlefields in the world will be as silent and peaceful as Kennesaw National Battlefield.

doggybloggy said...

"I am a long second toe freak and I have buddha ear lobes....top that!"

I have a basic knowledge of what Buddha looks like but I'm not all that learned in his specific attributes. Add that to the fact that I yearn to know thatI am not the only freak of nature in the world and I find myself sitting here on Sunday morning searching the internet for buddha ear lobes. I found this picture:


Doggy doesn't sound like a person who would do that to himself by wearing 4 pound earrings so I have to assume that he was born like that. AND with the long second toe. Yeah, that might be pretty good dude, but I'm sure that I can top it. Remember, the jury is still out on my coochie.

First of all, before I had braces, I had fangs. You know, they say that one birth defect is usually accompanied by others so anyone with a long second toe had better start searching for the other freak stuff that they most assuredly have somewhere on their bodies.

I can't show you but trust me, I have a dimple on my ass. I didn't even know about it until I was 25 because I had never really gotten a good look at my ass so I had never seen the dimple. But one morning my mother asked me the question that sent me reeling and rocked my entire world.

"Margaret, do you still have that dimple on your ass?"

At first I harrumphed the harrumph of a cocky young woman and asked, "What the heck are you talking about?"

My mother then went on to tell me that when I was a baby, I had a dimple on my ass. She just wanted to know if it had even gone away. I slowly began to wonder, "Do I have a dimple on my ass?"

Eventually I had my ass checked and found out that I did, indeed, have a dimple on my ass. Life has never been the same.

I was already aware of the long second toe problem because teenaged girls will scour each other for ammunition to use in their never ending battle to give each other eating disorders. By the time I was 25, my toe disorder had been made painfully apparent. I really didn't need the ass dimple thing on top of it.

On top of THAT...my brother walked in on me taking a shower once when I was 16 and laughed, chanting, "Silver dollar nipples, silver dollar nipples..." It was devastating. I can hear that asshole today as though he were standing right here, taunting me and my nipples. So, we have the long second toe, the fangs, the ass dimple and the silver dollar nipples. What are the chances of my coochie being normal?

Not bloody likely.

Let's see...we have my long, long, skinny legs. That doesn't sound too bad until you see me naked and 9 months pregnant. I looked like a 5 foot 8 inch tall water tower.

Oh, and I am seriously double jointed. I can put both of my ankles behind my neck. I don't do that much anymore because I got stuck like that once. I caught a laughing jig that I couldn't stop so that hindered my efforts quite a bit. Obviously, I did eventually get my long skinny legs down from behind my neck...but it was one helluva scare.

There's that wild hair up my nose. I know it should be up my ass but it isn't...it's in my left nostril. About once a month it reaches the other side of my nostril and tickles the hell out of it. It drives me absoluely INSANE!!!! And it almost never happens when I'm at home. On the rare occasion that it does, I can't find any tweezers. So, most months, you can find me at the grocery store, at the bank or even just out in my car with two fingers up my left nostril attempting to pull that damned wild hair out of my head for another month.

Those are just my deformities that I came up with off the top of my head. If I sat here and gave it a lot of thought I'm sure I could fill a book with freaky things about my person. So doggy...the ball is in your court. Can you top a long second toed, long skinny legged, dimpled assed, silver nippled, wild hair with fingers up the nose, double jointed water tower chick with fangs?

I think not.

There's a commercial on now...

...so could the entire planet call me NOW? In two minutes the movie will be back on and I WANT TO WATCH IT!

OK then.

Thanks

Uh oh...

...I just reread the post about my freak toe. The more I think about it the worse I feel. I guess I know why Rick left. I've been in denial about the whole toe thing for my entire life and I think it's time for me to face the problem head on instead of wearing footies and hoping that nobody saw that I am, in fact, a long second toe freak.

I think the rest of me is pretty normal, except for the thing growing in my brain. But luckily, although that will eventually kill me if I'm not hit by a truck first...no one can see it. And that IS what people worry about, isn't it? The most attractive female in the world can commit atrocious acts and get away with them...unscathed by society's vengeful wrath. Just look at Angelina Jolie. She's 100% pure white trash yet she's treated like royalty wherever she goes. If she looked this:

...no one would care if she was knocked up more times than Kelly Ripa, Britney Spears and my redneck cousin combined.

I know something that none of you know. And it's a huge, huge secret. It's a secret about Angelina Jolie. You guys are the first to read about it because I am the very first person in the world to report it (I can only speak for MY world). I have a wicked cool scoop about Ms. Jolie and if I'm not mistaken, this will FREAK OUT the minds of MILLIONS!!!

EXTRA...EXTRA

READ ALL ABOUT IT!!!

It seems as thought the curvaceous star has been protecting a deep, dark secret. Living with the shame of the odious truth has been quite grueling and has taken it's toll on the middle aged starlet, according to sources close to Jolie.

"She hid it from Brad for as long as she could but while she was in labor with her last child, she temporarily let her guard down and Brad saw what she had worked so desperately to hide from him." Interviewed on the condition of strict anonymity, a friend of the couples' told us that, "Brad has gotten over the initial shock of Angelina's deception and is learning to deal with her 'condition'...he's such a swell guy."

Calls to the couple's homes in 42 countries all went unanswered. The couples' publicist released this short but terse press release, "Angelina is the one who has had to live with this secret, she should be the one to discuss it now. This office will therefore have no further comment." Ms. Jolie's doctor refused to return phone calls as well.

The couple have tried desperately to keep any evidence of Ms. Jolie's condition secret but recently a web site published pictures that make it difficult for the Jolie-Pitts to continue in their efforts.

So, here is the picture that confirms the fact that Angelina is, in fact, a LONG SECOND TOE FREAK!!!!

Haai!

In Afrikaans haai is hello (pronounced Ha-i). So....a great big Haai to you all!!!

I just woke up...actually I was woken up by my dog. He always wakes me up when he needs to go outside by sitting at the side of the bed that I am facing and then he howls until I wake up. I wish I could set him like an alarm clock, those suckers don't wake me up at all. If they do, I hit the snooze and sleep through the next alarm.

I've always had that problem with sleeping. When I was a little girl, I would realize that I had to go to the bathroom and then I'd fall back to sleep and dream that I did. Of course, I had, but not in the bathroom. I wet my bed until I was 9. They say that it has something to do with an immature bladder but I say it's just that I sleep like I'm in a coma.

Rick would wake up if the cat meowed gently...I would sleep through a sonic boom.

Oh, speaking of which, one day while I was in Florida taking care of Jean, she and I heard a loud grumbling sound that made the building shake. We stopped for a moment to wonder what it was but quickly forgot about it. A couple of minutes later, my father came into the living room and said that the shuttle was landing and we should turn the channel to watch it. I guess the sound we heard over Tampa was the shuttle headed to Cape Kennedy. I've seen the space lab...does anyone else remember when you could watch it cross over the sky? That was SO cool!

I live near an Air Force base and when I first got here, I would hear jets so loud that I would fall to the ground...and I had been sitting in a chair! The sound scared me so badly that my body just slid down off of the chair in a self protection mode. I don't know what the heck that was but it still flies about occasionally. I'm used to it now.

Anyway, I'm up. I didn't plan on getting up so early but I can't go back to sleep once I come out of the coma. So, I'll just find something to do this morning.

Yesterday I went shopping with a BUNCH of really, really good coupons for Iams...a cat food that I would NEVER pay full price for. But my cats ate the stuff today and they seem to love it. It doesn't look anymore like real fish than the Aristocrat brand that I usually feed them...but they seem to like it.

I wish Payton was that easy to feed. That dog would let his food sit there all day until it was so funky that he wouldn't eat it...ever. So, I'd have to toss the old food and make some more. Apparently, he only eats when he's starving and then, only when the food is fresh.

Then, I noticed that he LOVES people food. So, I had to start feeding him double cheese burgers and table scraps. I mix the scraps up in his food, but the double cheese burgers are a treat I let him eat without Alpo and Kibbles 'n Bits all around it. He prefers McDonald's but the other day I was passing a Wendy's so I tried one of theirs and he liked that as well.

The other night my sister came by and I made us both t-bone steaks. Payton was in doggy heaven. Neither one of us could finish those huge steaks so we just gave them to Payton with the bones. He spent the rest of the evening chewing on them. That is one spoiled rotten dog.

But he is a smart dog too. We spend most of our evenings together and since I don't have anything else to do, I teach him stupid tricks. I think the dumbest trick is where he licks his chops when I say, "Chops!" That was a tough trick to teach him but it he learned it. I've run out of things to teach him so now I need to come up with some others. Do you guys have any stupid pet tricks that I could teach Payton? He does all the usual tricks.

The funny thing is, he doesn't like treats so he "performs" for a hug and an ear scratch alone. That makes him happy.

I taught him to dance a long time ago and now, whenever I turn music on, he jumps up on me to dance. Yesterday when he did it he accidentally clawed my chin. So, now I have a divot in my chin...I hope it heals without leaving a huge hole there. It's bad enough that I have a nasty scab on the SAME spot where I had a sore a couple of weeks ago. That thing was finally healing and then Payton scratched the entire thing off of my face. So, I'm back to wearing a Spongebob band-aid on my chin.

Well, I think I should go suck coffee and do laundry so that I can head outside and mow the stupid grass.

Have a lovely morning and I'll be back soon!

Eliza said...


"...Toodling through the internet, as one does....when the word LABIAPLASTY leapt out at me and hit me across the nose. According to this article in Newsweek, women are starting to treat labiaplasty as the new boob job. You know, you don't particularly like yourself "down there"..." (http://queenofghosts.blogspot.com/)


OMG. Well, today that post hit me like the same smack across the nose that Eliza suffered. My first reaction is OOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUCCCCHH! Oh my fricking lord have mercy, what on earth are these women doing? What the heck is the problem? How do you know if you have a really really GOOD coochie? I need to go check. I'll tell you, I have no clue how I rank when it comes to coochie....coochie what? Do you rank it as to how it looks? How it feels? How it smells? Jeez, I don't know how in the heck to judge one of those things.

I've never had any complaints so I guess it's all good but what if I were to find out that my labia was all messed up and I was just going around my entire life making love as though I had a normal coochie? This is just one more thing to worry about and I was getting a tad full of things to worry about already.


Jeez, I've heard about toe surgery to "correct" this hideous deformity:

See how my second toe is longer than the big toe? That's abnormal and I suffer life as a long second toed freak without any support from others of my kind. The shame is unbearable.

And now I have to check out my labia to make sure that that's OK. But I still don't know what the heck to check for! Maybe I need to go to a doctor and ask him what he thinks. I'm a nurse but I have never really noticed much of a difference between different labia...but perhaps it's just that I have an untrained eye. Jeez, I don't know what to do about this.

Oh well. I guess I should do the dishes because I KNOW they need to be done. I DON'T know about my labia and I guess it doesn't really matter anyway. First of all, I can't afford the surgery to have it fixed and secondly, I'm already a fricking freak with the messed up toe.

I'm a prisoner!!!

But luckily...

...I've been released. This is part of the costume that I wore today. I brought it home to see what happens when someone wearing that shirt goes out in public. I have to go back Tuesday so I'll return it then. And, yes, I asked permission!

As I told you before, I'm a prisoner in the movie "Tyler Perry's Madea Goes to Jail".

Today I worked on two scenes. Tyler works mighty quickly. Today has already been about two days crammed into one. First, rather than drop my son off at work at 6:30 and then go to the shoot at 8:00 (in my own car), I let him drop me off at Cumberland Mall (I had no clue when we would be done with the shoot so he had to have the car.) where I picked up the number 10 bus to the Arts Center. There I hopped a train down to East Point which was as close as the train would take me to the town we're filming in. Then, I ran upstairs and found a cab waiting outside. I jumped in and said, "To the old *******Jail and step on it!"

She turned out to be an absolutely lovely lady. I had her stop at an ATM so that I could get money to pay her. I wasn't that far (according to her, "Oh, it's not far at all.) Well, when I noticed that the fare was getting close to the 20 bucks that I had gotten out of the ATM, I told her to stop and let me out so that I could give her a tip. She refused to do that and instead took me all the way to the shoot which was 19 and change. All I had was the 20 so I handed her that and my phone number. I told her that if she's ever my way and needs a hand, an ear or a shoulder, to please call me. What a lovely woman she was. Her name is Gloria, she's about my age and she's a black woman who drives a cab in Atlanta. If you're ever lucky enough to call for a cab and get this wonderful woman, give her an extra few bucks for me.

Then, I got to the van and it took us all to the base camp for wardrobe and make-up. Then, another van took us to the shoot. When we got there, we were lead quietly through the building, past where they were already filming a scene and we ended up in a hallway that had a bunch of holding cells up and down both sides. We stayed there when we weren't shooting.

The first scene that I did was one where a bunch of prisoners are eating and a fight breaks out. We didn't see the fight, we reacted to it. We were all given a tray of partial portions of breakfast and we actually had to eat the stuff as the fight broke out. We turned to stare at the "fight", which was, for us anyway, an X made out of yellow tape on the wall. If they don't cut that scene, I'll be in it for sure...in all my prison glory.

The other scene that I shot was one where they're leading 5 new prisoners in, including Madea and Rudy Huxtable all grown up. We were the prisoners who shouted "Fresh meat!" and "I want some of that!" as the new chicks came in.

On about the 4th take, Tyler (Madea) asked me and my "cellmate" to "touch him". He meant to harass Madea physically. So, I got to grab Tyler Perry in a very cool place today...and it was perfectly OK...he ASKED me to do it!

During one of the takes, Madea, unexpectedly to all of us...broke into a fight with some other prisoners who were taunting her. Then he/she went up to the camera and said, "I'm Madea...and I'm in jail!" I assume that was for a commercial.

Anyway, after that take we wrapped.

In the tent where we were changing, a lady was talking about taking me to my son's work to pick up my car. But then another chick said that she lived this way so she would just go ahead and take me home. Another lovely person who I'm glad to have met. I tried to get her to let me put gas in her car but she wouldn't allow it.

So, she took me home. As I was walking up the driveway it occurred to me that my son had my keys. I was locked out so naturally I went to my usual "door locked climbing in window" that I usually use. The only problem was that the chair was nowhere to be seen and the window is 6 feet up. So, I turned the trash can over (Thank God yesterday was trash day!) and climbed on that and into my window.

And then...I came here!

That's my day so far...how are you doing?

:)