This song always reminds me of Jeff, he just LOVED Patti Page. I still can't believe that he's gone. Some days all I do is lie here and think about my brother. The food lady had the big loud box on and I think I overheard someone saying that Mike Vick should be playing football again before long. I don't understand that at all.

Oh sure, I've heard them say that "people are more important than dogs" and I guess they're right, after all, they're the people. But it seems to me that there are some really good dogs and some very bad people. Jeff was one of the digginest dogs ever.

Madone... dogs don't have remedies that people do...simply by virtue of the opposable thumb thing. (That's OK, we coulda had it, we traded it in for loyalty.) Thumbs...as every dog knows, are required to dial 911. With them, people can also sue each other for half of everything they own...or more! They can lock themselves up! They can even escape to shelters, read the street signs and drive the indoor couch on wheels.

We dogs...huh...we're pretty much at the mercy of every human being's decency...whether they be on a national stage or in some secluded basement in the Virginia countryside. Don't people understand that it's their DECENCY that we're guarding? Without it, we're all truly humped.

Whether it be by serendipity or a Godlike Creator, the humans have claimed dominion over all the planet and we dogs are a part of that planet. If Mike Vick had kicked a single condor egg, the world would be up in arms...and rightly so. But he didn't. He just created an atmosphere of dread and doom for all of dogkind. So much so that parents use the Mike Vick story to teach pups not to wander. It's not like WE'RE endangered, so no one speaks up for any one dog too much. I guess they figure, "Hey, dogs eat trash, we can treat them as such."

And as for that schmuck Mike Vick...I don't want to hear that "he's done his time" anymore. Yeah, he did...they let him out didn't they? So what's your bonin point? I wasn't on that committee. And you know...I don't even begrudge the man a chance to earn a living. But life is tough for everyone right now...let him do what all ex-cons do...weld stuff. He shouldn't be given a job where he gets so much of what it was that he killed my brother for AND hero status as well. And, one thing I've found from my time on this Earth is that people, like dogs...are either good or bad. Unless some craziness happens, good people don't turn bad and bad people don't turn good. People may learn to modify their behavior but their hearts don't change.

Before people came along, we dogs were happy to roam the planet, free and in control of our own destiny's. People wanted us to provide and maintain security systems for them and we've done a scrappin good job of it. Even some bitchy people get some Alpo-lishious guardians pets in their dogs. It's not easy to get the instinct to protect people outta one of us...I wonder what it takes to get the decency outta one of them?

Jeff...May You Rest In Peace

Payton

Mike Vick Killed My Brother...

...and his name was Jeff.

In a bold and daring fashion, Payton drove all over the city of Atlanta today. He stood high above the sign on the food lady's car that read, "Mike Vick Killed My Brother". Reaction to Payton and his message was mixed, with half of the responders giving a "Thumbs Up!" to Payton as he drove by and the other half shouting derogatory comments to his driver. Payton wants it to be known that in the future, any and all negative comments regarding his brother's murderer should be directed to Payton...and not to his people. (Contrary to popular opinion, Payton is not named after the football great Walter...but for the dog that he left behind.)

(Payton apologizes for the blurriness of the pictures, he had a tough enough time getting his car that far back without falling off of the carport steps.)

I fixed it myself!

I went to Home Depot and got an entirely new pipe thingie and instead of securing it to the wall pipe with duct tape, I used a rubber tube thing with metal rings on either end. I even bought myself a real screwdriver to tighten it with!

Yay me!!!

What makes you ask that?

"please tell me your kidding"

Why someone would think...

...that I'm not daft enough to wrap Teflon tape on the wrong part of a pipe, I do not know. Up until recently I was putting motor oil in the dipstick hole of my car. I didn't know that I was doing it wrong until I went to the auto-parts store and asked for the "small funnel"..."Not that big red one, the little one that fits in MY car." Although I felt a little stupid when I found out about my mistake, I must say, that big hole is a helluva lot quicker and easier than the other one...AND...the spillage is next to nothing. Over the past few decades I'm sure that I've spilled enough oil to eradicate a small creek so it's really, really a good thing that I do it properly now.

My screwdriver is in the silverware drawer next to the spoons and forks and the little tiny screwdriver is keeping the hair out of my eyes right now. My hammer is a can of Ragu, my screws are twisty-ties and my saw is a carving knife. Somehow I make things work with the frightening amount of knowledge that I have and whatever I can find in my kitchen drawers.

To me, home and car maintenance is like algebra. I can do it, but I wasn't paying attention when it was being taught so I have to figure it out myself. I could ALWAYS come up with the right answers in algebra, but I would only get half credit because, although I showed my work, it made no sense to the teacher. Apparently there are "formulas" that make algebraic mysteries "easier" to solve and if you're not going to use them, your non-conforming ass will never earn better than a C in math. But around here, there are no algebra teachers...or men...so even if I wanted to do things properly, I wouldn't have a clue where to begin.

My father was, and is, the ultimate sexist. When I was growing up he literally said to me, "You're a girl, you'll never need to fix a car." He also told me that he "couldn't pay for a daughter to go to college because he had 3 sons and after all, a daughter would just end up married and pregnant anyway". My sister once asked me to proofread a resume that my father had helped her write. As I perused over my sister's qualification's, I noticed one that seemed to catch my eye. It was a notation that, during a certain time period, my sister had worked at many "counter-girl type" jobs. It just jumped right off of the page. Anyway, she and I were absolutely not welcome at the little car fixing parties that my father had with our brothers.

But, for all of that lunacy, my father is the person who gave me one of the two most useful tidbits of information that I've ever, ever received. The first one was something that my son said as I was making one feeble attempt after another to return his served tennis ball. He said, "Keep your eye on the ball, Mom." I don't know why, but that struck me. I'd heard it a trillion times but I never internalized the notion of not ducking when a ball comes my way. It worked. I was a regular Billy Jean King after that, only heterosexual of course. The tidbit I received from my father was much easier than playing tennis. He simply said, "Righty tighty, lefty loosie." You wouldn't believe the change in my life since I learned that pretty much everything you can turn...turns the same way. I'm getting light bulbs out of lamps and opening the gas tank all by myself...it's unbelievable.

Getting that stupid gas cap off at the gas station was particularly tough because that sucker goes both ways just enough to confuse the hell out of me. I never knew if I was tightening or loosening the stupid thing and there's not always a man around to take off my gas cap so the righty tighty, lefty loosie thing is really coming in handy.

I once fixed a brake fluid leak with some folded newspaper and a coat hanger. I'm aware that there's most likely a better way to fix a leak in a car but, like 8th grade algebra, I wasn't paying any attention when it was taught so I just had to figure it out on my own. And like all those C's in math, it got me by.

In my own defense...regarding my plumbing work, I went to Home Depot with the pipe and asked the guy how to fix it. He said that whoever had fixed it with duct tape did it wrong. (I can believe that, my idiot ex did that a long, long time ago.) Then he said, "You need Teflon tape." Now think about it, what would you have thought?

Occasionally I find myself thinking, "This is so fricking STUPID and some idiot MAN thought it up!" Dealing with that tape was one such time. Ordinarily when that happens, I eventually find out that I'm "doing it wrong". So when I was having such a tough time wrapping that damn tape around those pipes, I should have known that there was an easier way to do it. My bad. But really, SOMEONE could have at mentioned "Righty tighty, lefty loosie" before the new millennium. I've been here since 1958!!!

If people like my father want us to remain ignorant, that's fine. But they have to stop shaking their heads and laughing when we figure it out by ourselves. And by the way...what else is there that no one's telling me?

Ooh, I just thought of something...I need to go outside and check my lawn mower for a button that says, "Self propelled". See, I'm not ENTIRELY ignorant.

:)

OK then. There has long been speculation regarding the intelligence of women in general (or the lack thereof) and blonde’s in particular. I drive out there with women too so I know that the moniker “dumb blonde” has some basis in reality. But think about this…how do men from India know if their women are idiots? Although it’s not as easy as spotting a blonde, it seems as though the men have gotten together and created the perfect “Is This Woman A Moron?” test.

Indian farmers — desperate for rain — have asked their unmarried daughters to plow dry fields naked in a bid to spark interest from the weather gods and bring some badly needed monsoon rain. “They (villagers) believe their acts would get the weather gods badly embarrassed, who in turn would ensure bumper crops by sending rains”.

Now, any chick with HALF a brain would tell the men, “You know, if you really want to embarrass the gods, send your naked mama out there to plow dirt.” I guess using the young, nubile girls is one way to control the weather…Granny would probably bring about a humiliating flood of biblical proportions.

Of course, even if a grandmother has an IQ of 4, by the time she gets to actually BE a grandmother, she’s usually savvy enough to refuse demeaning tasks such as plowing in the nude. I may not be the sharpest tack on the grocery store bulletin board, but I haven’t pushed a lawn mower since last August. There’s no man living with me, I have no boyfriend and I can’t afford to pay anyone to do it…yet my grass is nice and short.

Georgia is currently a bit drought stricken but that works for me…rain just makes the grass grow and I’d rather put a brick in my toilet tank than to actually do yard work. I might plow naked to STOP rain, but I have no beef with the reigning drought gods. (Of course, I AM a grandmother so I doubt that I’d sell many tickets…with the possible exception of those Indian dirt farmers.)

The older I get the easier it is to spot subterfuge like the Indian Rain Plow Scam. I’m not sure why…it could be that I’ve been around long enough to see it all and it could just be the fact that I no longer possess ovaries. I’m pretty sure that it’s the latter because ever since those suckers were removed, I’ve been thinking more and more clearly. Shortly after the surgery, I figured out that my sweet, innocent husband wasn’t the victim of a jealous and overly suspicious wife…he was actually boinking some tramp in a trailer park. What an epiphany THAT was.

I really could have used such clarity of mind while I was young and under the influence of hormones. Instead of marrying a short broke dude, I would have looked for a tall guy with cash. Ain’t that a bitch?

Women all lose their estrogen at some point and when they do, many strange things begin to happen to them. Personally, I have toe hair. A woman who has been de-estrogenated is not a woman you want to irritate. Although some of them have xanax, most of them have just had their upper lips waxed so they could be a bit touchy when approached…proceed at your own peril.

The hair gods have been relatively decent to me in my “enlightenment” (much more descriptive than menopause). Besides the toe hair, I seem to be growing furry little sideburns but I don’t need to have them waxed…to make up for making me a female and to confound men, the hair gods made me a relatively bright blonde. I would NEVER be dumb enough to plow naked for a bunch of poor, dirt farming old men. Now that I think about it, I wouldn’t plow anything while there were men around, whether I was naked or clothed.

Now, if I can just find a guy who cleans house, I’ll have the outside AND the inside taken care of. Then, it’s off to the mall with my blonde self…accompanied by a tall dude with cash.

: )

I was told...

...to use "teflon tape" to fix the leak under the sink. No matter how much I wrap around the stupid pipes it still leaks. This is the hardest tape I've ever had to work with:

"Anyone who makes up their mind before they hear the issue is a fuckin' fool."

---Chris Rock

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auqRgzuLaK8

Minute 2:53

You can make a deposit here ANYTIME!

Whenever I’m at the bank trying to make a deposit, the tellers ask me for identification, apparently to to be sure that it’s ME…and not ANYONE ELSE who's depositing money into my account. Every time they do that, I tell them to make a note in my records allowing anyone and their brothers to deposit cash into any and all of my accounts. In other words, I tell them that they have my permission to accept cash from strangers, friends, family members and stranger's friend's family members…whether they have identification or not.

I wouldn’t have expected it to be a problem to deposit cash into someone’s account without ID…but then again, I wouldn’t have thought that it would be a crime to make love to your own wife. Apparently, if I ever remarry, I'll need to sign some document stating that my husband is allowed to make love to me…whether I’m comatose, paralyzed or just plain nuts. It seems as though a lack of such a permission slip landed an amorous hubby in deep doo-doo.

Fifty-nine year old David Johnson was “charged with felony sexual assault for having intercourse with his wife without her consent at least three times in 2005.” How on earth can they prove that the man didn’t have his wife’s consent? I told my ex that if I were ever in a coma, he was free to hop up in bed with me and do the horizontal bop anytime he wanted to. It never occurred to me that it had to be put down in writing, but I’ll know better next time.

It seems as though the staff at the nursing home where Johnson’s wife is a resident was actually WORRIED that the evil husband might be making love to his wife! That BASTARD! Can you imagine the nit wits at THAT meeting?

So, they called the cops who, in a severe violation of the couple’s “constitutional rights against unreasonable searches”, installed a hidden video camera in the room. Let’s see…husband makes love to me/perverted strangers tape me and my husband naked…which one of those scenarios would YOU think was more of an offense to Mrs. Johnson?

I’ve been around a LOT of nursing homes over the years and I can say with conviction that ALL of them should appreciate a husband who “would visit his 54-year-old wife every day, reading her the Bible and moving her arms and legs so her muscles wouldn’t atrophy.” The Physical Therapists at Divine Savior Nursing Home in Portage, Wisconsin won’t do it properly, that’s a given or it wouldn’t have been a problem in the first place. Some family members complain and some just do it themselves, this guy is just doing it himself rather than waiting for the therapists to come out of some office and do their jobs.

Mr. Johnson obviously loves his wife, he’s doing all he can to take care of her. He visits everyday and if he occasionally looks at her and gets a little frisky, who’s gonna complain? Personally, I’d rather my hubby do me while I’m comatose than some wide awake chick who can move. What a loyal guy! And, no one mentioned whether or not the guy was sweet enough to engage in a little foreplay before the act. And I just think it’s BEAUTIFUL that after all these years, Mr. Johnson still WANTS his wife…even at the risk of being caught by prying eyes.

In a rare example of judicial common sense, “Judge Patrick Taggart tossed out the evidence last year, ruling it stemmed from an illegal search.” The argument used by prosecutors who have too few cases and too much spare time was that, Johnson’s right to privacy ended when he used the room for what they contend was illegal intercourse.” I doubt that one can tell from a tape whether or not he was doing it legally.

The cops in Portage, Wisconsin couldn’t be reached for comment because, as rumor has it, they had just raided a La Leche League meeting and they were booking one breastfeeding mother after another. But, I did get to speak with Deputy C. Bumpkin again, he’s never at a loss when he defends his profession:

Q. So, Deputy Bumpkin, exactly what about Mr. Johnson’s lovemaking technique made it “illegal intercourse”?

A. Well, the fact that she didn’t give him permission to penetrate is all we need.

Q. Isn’t “permission” sort of implied in the wedding vows? The wife didn’t REFUSE…did she?

A. It ain’t implied in my house. My wife don’t never have to tell me “NO!” I can see it in her eyes. She uses non-verbal clues to let me know she isn’t interested.

Q. Could you give me an example?

A. Yes ma’am. Say I’m making googly eyes at her from across the kitchen table…she’ll tilt her head over toward the calender. I know that means “Not tonight!”

Q. And what is her specific message when she uses that particular non-verbal clue?

A. I know that she’s telling me that there’s an “R” in the current month. We only get it on (wink wink) during months without an “R” in them.

Q. O…K…back to Mr. Johnson. Exactly what did you see on that tape that was so offensive? You did SEE the tape, didn’t you?

A. Oh yeah, sure I did. That guy was nuts! He kissed his wife right smack on the lips and then his hands started caressing her from her shoulders on down. He must have spent 20 minutes playing with her breasts alone. That perv kissed every inch of her body, can you imagine that?

Q. Ooh, I sure can. But go on with your story…

A. Yeah, then he climbed up on her and his big hairy butt was pointed right at the camera as though he was mooning us all!

Q. But he didn’t know the camera was there, right?

A. Well, no. But you should have seen that butt of his going up and down, up and down, up and down…it seemed like it went on forever. There we were, the entire police force, watching that tape over and over again…it was pretty hard on most of us. Especially the lady cops.

Q. Deputy Bumpkin, I just have one more question and then I’ll let you go. Let’s just say that, God forbid, something awful happens to you and you’re in a coma for months and months. If your wife was in the room when you happened to get one of those neurogenic erections, would you want her to take off her pants and jump up on the bed…pumping that bad boy until she came all over you?

A. YEEEHAAAAAA…yes’m!

OK then…I guess the only thing you can do to keep your spouse out of jail for making love to your comatose body is to add a “penetration clause” in your Living Will. Remember to ask your attorneys to add that clause to any legal documents you have to sign. Or, you could just type up an agreement between you and your spouse that says you each have permission to get giggity with each other’s body…whether you are alert or catatonic.

Hillary...

...I know it's not a problem when he's sober but in case he "inhales" some night, try some make-up and a few piercings...this'll get him off of you:

Some people...

...aren't terribly afraid of dogs. But most of them shy away from lions:

Especially if it's the dreaded DOGLION!

No further break-ins recorded.

I have to do many things...

...that I might not ordinarily do in order to adequately study the males of our species. Right now I’m in the middle of doing something that I wouldn’t EVER do with a man who seems to think that I’m an idiot.

He came over once and apparently expected a romp in the hay. Of course he took me out to eat first which, on the surface, seems like a nice gesture. But, it was a relatively cheap meal and certainly worth it so that he could “feel me out” to see if I was stupid enough to agree to sex. They never come right out and ask that, they have more “subtle” ways of doing things like mentioning that they “haven’t had sex in so long” that they don’t remember the last time. (I’ve gone for a year before and I’ve never forgotten the last man with whom I slept. Anyway, it was at that point that I was supposed to say, “Oh, poor thing! You won’t have to wait much longer at all!”

Apparently I didn’t strike him as very pliable so he tried to back out of the work he had previously promised to perform for me. I guess he figured that it was only worth his effort if I was going to blow him. When we got to my house I watched from my kitchen window as he made a half assed attempt to start the mower before he came in and tried to get out of it all together. He said that the mower needed “a spark plug” and when he went to get it, he also got something that goes in the gas tank. The gas tank stuff had to sit there for two hours and that would put him past the hour that he had previously given as his bewitching hour, the time he needed to take off. Obviously, he couldn’t wait the two hours since he had already set up an exit strategy. (And by the way, the lawn mower STILL won’t start.)

Then, he came into my kitchen and made a obligatory attempt to fix the leak under the sink. As easy as that would have been, rather than fix it, he opened his tool box, pulled out some gaskets and showed ME how to fix the leak. It was getting close to escape time and while he made time for a romp in the hay, he never actually set aside any time to fix ANYTHING.

When he left, he said that he would be back the next day to finish what he had started, and to make it sound good, he asked me to write a list of everything that I needed to have done around the house. I knew better so I said, “You won’t be back.”

He responded by giving me his “word” that he would, indeed, return. I said, “OK, I’ll take you at your word.” and I did.

He even sent this email:

I’ll be still smiling tomorrow! Thank you so much for a wonderful day………….I shall return!

This guy is a doctor so he knows how to concoct believable scenarios when cancelling previously agreed upon plans. The next day his daughter in law “went into early labor” so he had to go to her and his son. He made sure to mention that “I can’t do what I want to do when it comes to my kids…I have to take care of that.”

Naturally, I told him that I understood completely even though I suspected that he was lying through his teeth. He was sure to promise to come over the following Saturday.

Saturday morning he called with a BS story that he couldn’t have expected me to believe: “They’re going to do a C-section on my daughter in law and you know, when it comes to my family, they have to be first.” Well, of course they do! I know that I feel that way about my own kids. So, with my gracious understanding and his “assurance” that I would see him the following week (”or maybe even tomorrow”), I hung up and giggled. (By the way, they don’t schedule C-sections on Saturdays, those are saved for emergencies only. He never said that it was an emergency nor did he explain why she was giving birth twice in one week.)

Then I received this email:

“Will get back late tonight………….have some things I have to take care of in the morning then i can come. I need the list. Let me know if tomorrow afternoon and evening are still good for you………… “

So when the next day came, I received this follow up to a phone call in which he warned me that he “might have to go to DC”:

“Tried to call on my way home at 9:15…………yes, I’m going to DC……….will return Friday…………but will call and be there Friday night or Sat. morning……………”

And then this…apparently for good measure:

Been missing you on the phone……………….been missing you………period. I don’t want to wait until Saturday to see you………………

Naturally when the phone rang Saturday (today) it was him with another excuse…car trouble this time. I don’t know enough about cars to question his story but I do know enough about men to be able to grasp his plan.

He gave me his word and then, every excuse he’s had has been one that cannot be debated. Since he knows that his word is on the line, he can’t help but try to lead me to believe that he’s coming back as he makes excuse after excuse. I’m supposed to get angry at this and say, “Forget it! Now I don’t even want you to come back!” That lets him off the hook and his honor is intact…in his mind anyway.

But, rather than get angry, I’ve been understanding, even gratuitous, in my reactions to his constant cancellations. It must be making him insane. He’s trying with all he can think of to get out of keeping his “word” and not a damn thing he does is phasing me.

When he says he’s coming over, I know that he isn’t so I don’t plan around his “visits”. It’s all good…I just have to continue to be as sweet as a REAL Georgia peach and see how he gets himself out of this mess.

Health care is a bitch and I don't care

Why is the swine flu sweeping through countries full of white people? You would think that at least ONE third world country would contract the dreaded disease. Do you know anyone who's gotten the swine flu? Do you really think we ALL need to get the vaccine? If you listen to the government, over 40% of us will get sick if we don't get vaccinated...with 4 vaccines...have you been frightened enough yet?

Some legislator was talking about his wonderful plan to prevent nosocomial (hospital acquired) infections and said that it will cost billions to implement (which will pay for itself within a year!!!). You know, we already have a pretty good plan...health care professionals are supposed to wash their hands between patients. It works if you work it.

How come all of the plans that will "pay for themselves" are costing billions and billions and billions of dollars?

When Roe V. Wade was passed, the government made a big deal about privacy and not "coming between a patient and doctor". I wish I had been able to tape THAT angle in 1973.

What the heck defines a health care crisis? Are people dieing in the street? Where are all of these uninsured people and why don't I see more sick people with no insurance?

We should limit the money that goes to attorneys in malpractice suits and then see what happens before we do anything else.

I don't trust a salesman who tries to scare people into buying without having all of the necessary information. That salesman usually knows that he's hawking a ROTTEN PRODUCT!

And on top of ALL of that...what real mandate gives the federal government the task of even DEALING with health care?

Mike Vick Memorial Dog Park

http://www.wsbtv.com/video/20159219/index.html

For some reason...

...the Boston papers have scrubbed all traces of the police report regarding the arrest of Henry Gates for disturbing the peace. I wasn't there so I have no idea what happened but no one should be afraid of what either party has to say so luckily, the SmokingGun.com is showing the report here:

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0723092gates1.html

I haven't found a site that has silenced Gates, I don't think the cops should be silenced either.

Although Lord knows that I haven't always taken the high road, I certainly try to do so whenever possible. Gates isn't choosing to take the high road nor is he seeking to take a "middle of the road" road. Rather than allowing the system to work this incident out, he is barking racism at every turn. What a shame.

It's not as though I have any special consideration for police, actually I would doubt their veracity before I would doubt those who speak out against them. But I would think that a man as learned as Mr. Gates would understand that he isn't doing anyone a favor by proclaiming racism before HE asked any questions. He submits that the police acted with prejudice while Gates is guilty of doing the exact same thing.

Bill Cosby said it best when he suggested that both parties need to ratchet it down a few notches, open the lines of communication and try a bit of the Golden Rule before proclaiming anyone guilty of anything.

For some unknown reason, I thought that the election of a black President would assuage racial tensions in this country. But I was obviously wrong. Incidents like this one are serving to convince those who are at the bottom of the IQ ladder that they are justified in yelling racism at every possible opportunity. That is only serving to irritate those who know that they are not harboring racist feelings. It doesn't take long for those thoughts to actually blossom into feelings that are less than conciliatory.

Some will take my words and twist them into racism because that's what they're comfortable with. It's obviously easier to assume that I am a racist when the alternative is to look in the mirror. Pity.

Me in my jammies massaging my dog

OK then

Is this commercial offensive, funny or an odd mixture of both?



This one starts off funny and just gets funnier, making one glad they listened:



This one is just plain adorable:



And this is the funniest thing I've seen since Seinfeld went off the air:

Now that's what I like

If you paid really, really close attention, you might wonder like I do

"Freedom, Democracy, Equality AND Liberty!!!"

Now, those are 4 good things, aren't they? If I had nothing to say and I wanted to tell you all about it, I would probably start with pretty words like freedom and democracy. I think I would use "love", "Walt Disney" and "emergency responders", if I were trying to raise cash. No matter how many times I watch this interview, I can't figure out what this guy is all about except, of course, for "Freedom, democracy, equality and liberty:

http://www.foxnews.com/video2/video08.html?maven_referralObject=7075615&maven_referralPlaylistId=&sRevUrl=http://www.foxnews.com/

WHY is Scott Peterson's family asking you for cash? That's an easy one. They know that there are some unbelievably stupid people out there and for some reason, California has a disproportionately high number of indigenous idiots. Of course, they only need one moron with too much money to hire a stellar appeal team for their charmingly homicidal son...and they do live in the heart of Imbecile Central on the corner of Buffoon Road and Bonehead Avenue...so I don't blame them for trying. I'd do it if I could come up with a good sob story or the ability to commit extortion but as it stands today, I have neither one.

Why do newspapers let you call yourself a SWM of BBBW in personal ads while disallowing you to do so in an ad for a roommate?

White Christian men are TRULY the last people against whom society can safely discriminate. When people of color were always portrayed to be buffoons, many became justifiably offended. Why is it less offensive that white men have been the butt of the jokes in every family sit com since All in the Family? We even have an entire network devoted to demonizing white men. Could Lifetime exist if it consistently demonized black women? I don't know how they exist without Cary Grant, Jimmy Stewart and the Marcus Welby dude.

The news channels are there 24/7 to report every little mistake, misstep and mishap that happens around them but they never mention their own screw ups. How many different numbers have YOU heard regarding the children of slain husband and wife, Byrd and Melanie Billings? It almost takes effort to get that little tidbit wrong so many times. What else do they routinely get wrong? And should we trust THEM to decide which news items are worthy of fact-checking?

Um...are we supposed to think that the same person is behind the voice of Elmo? Didn't we not learn anything from that new Barney Rubble?

Who the hell is "superstar" Phil Vassar?

Who da man?

Did you notice...

...that even the camera men didn't expect Obama to put the ball across home plate?



I bet they HOPED Bush couldn't.



What was the "area in front of the pitcher's mound" comment all about? Do you know? I need to find out.

In case you need a lot of proof that Obama was behind that whacked out camera angle, how about the fact that he did that fist unpumping thing even though the cathcher saved "the president from embarrassment by moving on top of the plate to save the pitch from bouncing".

I'm not sure how long he spent doing it, but since, "Obama had warmed up on the White House grounds Monday night", one would think that he could have tossed a ball with some confidence.

That Bush dude sure did, didn't he? Now THAT truly would have been funny if it had fallen short. I'm actually sorry it didn't. I'm also sorry that I don't know the story behind the two pitcher's mound stripes. I bet it had something to do with the "area in front of the pitcher's mound" comment.

I'm 100% sure that there's a whole lot more to these pitches than we can see in the videos. How do you celebrate a pitch that doesn't get to home plate? There's only one way...you have to be sure that no one sees your ball falling short. Obama was.

Doesn't ANYONE have cell phone video of this pitch???

I think I've found the perfect job...

...but I don't know where to apply. It seems as though the government is hiring pleasant, funny people to walk around offices and make people smile. Doesn't that sound perfect? I've been told that I'm funny and I bet if I tried hard enough, I could be pleasant.

I need a job really, really badly and a government job is as good as any other job...right? I'm not sure what the position is called but 'Office Clown' sounds relatively descriptive. I've taken on that role under other job descriptions to some degree of success and I think I'd enjoy tackling it as a full time job. I've always been the type who would rather chit chat with co-workers than actually work anyway so this wouldn't take much of an effort on my part.

Also, I would think that I could truly excel as the Office Clown and that I would probably move rapidly up the ladder of success. With my saucy wit, I bet I could be Obama's Clown Czar inside of a month. What power THAT would entail! I would never have to sit in front of a group of Senators and talk for 3 days without saying a thing nor would I have to discuss Gilligan's Island with Al Franken. (But, if I DID, I would remember everything about any episode that he could think of.) I have just the right life experiences and background to be a powerful person in DC. Certainly, a sarcastic Irish woman as myself would be able to tackle the role better than a middle aged white guy like Franken.

Being a woman, I can mock both sexes without being politically incorrect. And after being around for so long, I can remember when there was no such thing as political correctedness so I've got a BUNCH of racist jokes tucked away just in case they come back into vogue. Oh, I'd even be "administration friendly" to Obama...I'm honestly beginning to take a hankerin' to Joe Biden. He endears himself to me more every time he opens his mouth.

I'm divorced so there's no man around here to suck my brains out. I've learned so much since I've been single again that I bet I could even change a tire on the President's car...if all the men on the planet suddenly dropped dead and big butch lesbian chicks refused to do it. (I'm pretty sure I could do it...I've seen it done numerous times already.) I haven't had to sit through a Jackie Chan movie in years so my cerebral functioning is rather fine tuned and I think that I've been a bit more alert ever since I've stopped needing as much bleach to keep things from getting funky around the house. I doubt that I'd be half as wise as I am if were still busy finding long dark hairs on my husband's clothing on a daily basis.

Oh! My father is an attorney and my youngest son graduated from law school last May so I won't need to waste taxpayer's money when I get sued for ethics violations. That means I won't have to quit halfway through my term and leave everyone wondering when I'll pop up as a regular on Fox News.

Don't forget that I AM a female so I'm already coy and manipulative...something that seems to help in Washington. Of course, I don't have a penis so I won't be as assertive as Hillary but remember, I won't be as horny as Bill either. And at my age, I have fewer hormones surging through my brain so I'm usually pretty sharp and much less unreasonable than your average chick.

Anyway, I'd really like one of these jobs so if anyone out there has a clue what I need to do to apply, please let me know. I mock people regularly and if I do say so myself, I'm pretty darned good at it. I make ME laugh and I'm not an easy sell. Between me, Biden and Franken, I think that we could have the entire government AND Obama's constituency in stitches until 2016. Imagine all the crazy legislation you could pass while everyone is laughing!

My Ongoing Man Study

As I said, I’m well into my Man Study and it just occurred to me that I should start compiling the data while it’s still fresh in my mind. I forgot the name of one guy I went out with and I became a little unnerved so I thought I better start documenting my findings…or at the very least, reporting the raw data.

Here are some observations:

Saturday man: Age: 42
Height: 6′
Weight: Approximately 180 lbs.
Car: 2006 Mustang

Subject showed up on time with a rose and a Snickers bar. He immediately called an audible and changed our plans. Rather than go fishing, he made home repairs out of concern for my well being. I fed him and he complimented my cooking. After we ate, he took me to the Marietta Lanes and we shot pool. He did well and did not embarrass me. Halfway through the evening, he began to become comfortable with me as evidenced by touching me on my shoulder and putting his arm around my waist. He was very gratuitous and made sure that I was wanting for nothing. On the way out, I showed a glancing interest in a game machine. He went into his pocket and retrieved quarters and watched supportively as I won the small prize. He drove me home and was a perfect gentleman. Not one false move was made. Nice job.

Monday man: Age: 48
Height: 6′3″
Weight: 210 lbs.
Car: Mercedes (year unknown)

Subject came to my home to take me out to dinner. He came in and we had a glass of wine. He told me I was prettier than my picture. We left the house and went to the Buckhead Diner. I had a steak medium well which noticeably annoyed subject. He felt as though I “killed” the steak. I reminded him that it was already dead. Halfway through dinner he asked if I would accompany him to a business function at the Atlanta Country Club on Friday night. I told him that I was free on Friday but if Jude Law called, I would have to bump him to Saturday. He responded, “What are you some kind of comedian?” I said, “As a matter of fact sir, I am.” He laughed. We sparred verbally all evening long and we both thoroughly enjoyed the challenge. When he dropped me off, he actually walked me to the door and kissed me on my cheek. The way his hand caressed my chin as he kissed my cheek assured me this was not a sisterly kiss. Once again, almost the perfect gentleman. One slight mis-step, he called me “hot as hell”. I don’t really know why, but that struck me as a tad offensive even though he assured me is was meant as a compliment. And, I must let that go as he sent two dozen iris’s on Monday. They were absolutely beautiful. I said before there would be times when this will make up for that or vice versa.

Tuesday man: Age: 31
Height: 6′
Weight: 185
Car: Miata (year unknown)

Met subject at Sidelines to shoot pool and play trivia. He was waiting in his car reading a book when I pulled in. I parked right next to him by coincidence. I recognized him immediately from his description. We exited our respective vehicles and shook hands as we introduced ourselves. He appeared to be shy. Not in a weak way, more in a quiet, respectful way. He made little eye contact at first. We began shooting pool. He, like Saturday man, was pretty good. I was having a pretty bad night and did not perform up to par. The first trivia question was an R&B question that I cannot remember but I put Whitney Houston as the answer. He told me it was Billy Ocean. I trusted him and turned in his answer. The answer was Whitney Houston. He smiled and blushed. Then, he sunk the 8 ball and I was irritated, but in a good way. We continued to work as a team in the trivia contest which was a bonding type of thing and we also remained very competitive on the pool table which is a good thing for that spark type of thing. He asked if I was hungry and we ordered onion rings. They were very good and obviously made on location. We were still hungry so he ordered the Lemon-Pepper Wings and they were fantastic. By the end of the evening, he had loosened up and appeared much more comfortable with me, making witty comments and pleasantly teasing me. He had to work and I had to get up at 7 so we made an early evening of it. We walked to our cars and he came to my open door to ask what the music I was listening to was. It was a ploy. He didn’t really care about the music, he wanted to reach into my car and kiss me. I had to let him. It was quite nice. Once again, quite the gentleman. The next day I received a nice email from him thanking me for the lovely evening and asking to see me again sometime.

Wednesday man: Age: 52
Height: 5′11″ (LOL, I was just looking for the eleven button.)
Weight: 185
Car: 2009 Escalade that he picked up last week.

Subject and I met at Michaels Crafts. I bought some canvases and we then walked to the New China Buffet and had an absolutely lovely meal. Nice conversation, very nice man. After we stuffed ourselves like a couple of gluttons, we went to the mall and walked around. I like to window shop in the jewelry stores and I saw a pretty pair of ruby earrings. He offered to buy them for me. Very embarrassed, I wouldn’t allow it. He asked if we could go to the music store and I said yes. As I was browsing through the CD’s, he excused himself to “go to the men’s room”. He came back with the ruby earrings. I was very embarrassed and somewhat taken aback. Not enough to take the earrings aback, but somewhat. The mall closed and he asked if he could have some more of my time. It was still early so I said yes. We went for a drive and chatted. I told him about the break in and he offered to install motion detecting lights at my house. We will see if that materializes. I also mentioned that my cable was messed up and he insisted on fixing it for me. After spending the evening with him, I allowed him to do so. After he fixed the cable, he actually asked me for a kiss. I obliged. Then he asked me if he could put the earrings on me himself. I said yes. He did. Then, he held my hair up so he could see how they looked. He told me I was beautiful and took the picture of me that is posted here somewhere before or after this post. I take awful pictures but I put it there anyway. The date ended with him making me promise to call him tomorrow. He is an emergency room doctor and will be on duty at 7 P.M. so he said to call him early. I shall. Another perfect gentleman although he was very touchy feely, which I like, I just wasn’t as comfortable with it on a first date. But, I must say, the reflexology thing he did with my hands was one of the most pleasant sensations I have felt in a very long time.

OMG!!!

Is it me or...

...are men freaking out all over today? Yesterday was a bad day for me so I went to bed way early...like 6 PM early. While I was sleeping in my bedroom, my phone was ringing in my kitchen. Of course I couldn't hear it and to be honest, I didn't WANT to hear the damn thing. That's specifically WHY I shut the door and left the phone charging in the other room.

One guy tried to call me between 7 and 8 and apparently, another one saw my car, stopped by and knocked on my window between 8 and 9. I heard him knocking, but he couldn't come in. I wasn't in the mood to be a hostess so I stayed in my bed all curled up in a ball and went back to sleep.

When questioned today, I told the truth to both men. Obviously, neither of them asked the RIGHT questions...they both simply wanted to know why I was unavailable to them when they had time for me so I told them. Then, I received this email from the phone dude:

Do you REALLY expect me to believe this “cock- and-bull” story?

And this one from window man:

Whatever!!! I looked in the BR window. Dog got on the bed and barked at me on 3 different trips to the bedroom!!! I could see the bed - nobody was in it!!!

I WAS in the bed, but he couldn't see the one corner of it that I was balled up in from his vantage point...as he was PEERING into my bedroom window, I might add. I sensed so much hostility in his email...what with all of those exclamation points. Oh, and I never would have locked my dog up in my bedroom without me in the bed so he should have known better than that. Why would I leave the house with my HUGE dog locked up in a back room and my car in the driveway? It made more sense that I was telling the truth than it did that I was lieing to him. I must say, I'm glad the dog barked at him and sorry he didn't pull a Hooch and jump through the window after the fool.

To answer phone dude's stupid question...YES!!! I DO expect you to buy that "cock and bull story". It 's the fricking truth. Why on EARTH would I lie to these guys? I could just have easily said, "It's none of your damned business where I was, you thick, obtuse Scaramouch!"

After the second accusation, I sat and wondered why TWO people who supposedly know me would doubt my veracity. I've never lied to either one of them so they have no reason in the world to think that I would.

Then it suddenly occurred to me...it wasn't me, it was them. I remembered something from back in my old married days...HE WHO LOOKS BEHIND DOORS HAS STOOD BEHIND MANY.

Oh yeah...I forgot. It's time to clean house and find a new harem.

Disabling an RFID chip in your government ID...

...is punishable by up to 25 years in prison.

But, if you did it, this is how you would have done it:

RFID chips are in driver's licenses, credit cards and passports. Disabling them will not render them ineffective. All you'll lose is the ability to scan those items, the magnetic strips still work when you swipe them.

My dog just farted...

...Jeez, I hate that. I thought that all the nasty farting left with my ex. Oh well, at least I KNOW the dog doesn’t have enough sense to go into the restroom for such things.

There has always been a farting man in my life. When I was a little girl, my grandfather, a very successful businessman, would read the paper in his recliner at night and literally lift his leg and fart with no shame or “Excuse Me.”

Of course, when I got a little older, my brothers got a thrill out of farting. I left home and got married so I immediately had a farter of my own. Then, without missing a beat, I married again and had another farter. I swear to God, I had that one convinced that women just don’t fart.

Next, I was single for a few years but I was working as a nurse so I saw a lot of stuff much worse than farts. Then, I met the fartmaster. When my oldest son attained a certain age, he developed a facsination with farting that he pretty much still has. He laughs pretty hard at his own farts, but you can irritate the heck out of him by farting back at him.When he and my ex were both living with me, it was one great big fart-a-rama. A few years ago, I was in New York and I had this great beef sandwich with peppers...three kinds. I went into the restroom and noticed what a hideous bouquet that sandwich had summoned. I smiled. I began developing my stratagem.

It was so marvelously brilliant and the timing couldn’t have been better. They were both in the living room watching television. I went back into the living room and sat down as though all was right with the world.

Serenely secure in my evil scheme, I withheld the pressure that was my vengeance for the years of anguish to which I had been subjected by the fartmaster and his little partner in crime. I smiled cunningly as I remembered the silence that preceeded the appalling stench. I knew that there would be no forewarning for my victims. I waited until just the right moment and unleashed what was the most foul, repugnant, revolting “silent but deadly” that I had ever had the misfortune of suffering. And then I sat back and watched the consequences of my reprisal ensue. It was breathtaking...literally.

When the effects of my opus first reached their noses, they immediately glanced, accusedly, at each other. Then, they inhaled again. Oh, it was magnificent. I laughed so hard that I immediately gave myself away. They both actually got up off of their chairs. The looks on their faces were identical and said the same thing, “How can I leave the presence of this gruesome entity?” Their eyes went back and forth as though they were looking for an exit. You would have thought that they were a couple of mice in the presence of a lion.

Such a sense of contentment, I have never felt. I assure you, that one fart made up for the years of olfactory assaults that these two yahoos had released upon me.I have tried, in vain, to duplicate that awesome fart but I haven’t found the proper combination of gastric ingredients with which to do so.

OK, enough fart talk, the dog just farted again. I guess I asked for that one.

See ya,

Meg

I'M BAAACK!

I don't know what the heck my absence yesterday was all about because no one ever emailed me to let me know what was happening. Not that I could have read the email...Google disabled my entire account so I couldn't even get to the Blogspot homepage, let alone read my email. It would have been nice if whoever took the time to disable my account would have taken the time to send an email...even a "form" email letting me know that I should expect some interruptions in my service. Oh well...I'm sort of surprised that it took so long for this blog to go MIA.

It's not as though I haven't annoyed people in the past. I've been a bi-otch from hell a few times over the past five & a half years and, I might add, to people of higher stature than any yahoo who I may have rankled lately.

I didn't know the account was being disabled and I wasn't aware that it was back until I accidentally hit the wrong link. I'm just glad it's back. And of course, I'm glad that you're back.

I gotta tell you, I was one paranoid chickie yesterday! The blog went missing right after I had written about some "local law enforcement issues". At one point I went into my room and when I walked back into the kitchen, I smelled smoke. It was more like burning electricity but the room was smoky. I never did find out what that was but later, when I got in my car and turned the key, I must admit, I cringed a bit waiting to blow up.

I drove away from my house a couple of times yesterday and before I did, I checked every light on my car. Then, I drove a bit UNDER the speed limit, using both my directionals and my arms to signal my next move. I was the safest, most law abiding driver this side of the Pecos. I've pretty much been the most law abiding citizen in the state lately as it is. I may be caustic, obnoxious and defiant...but I'm not stupid.

Before I have a visitor to my home I have to mention, as a matter of course, that "if you have any outstanding warrants, I'd rather you didn't come knock on my door". It's not as though I associate with crooks and but I don't want to give the cops a reason to knock on my door OR break it down. So far no one has had to cancel a trip over here but one guy did have the cops walk in on him.

A friend of mine wanted to watch something on TV and I was leaving. I didn't mind leaving him here alone, he's a good enough friend that I trust him. But, when I asked him if HE had any wants or warrants, I don't think he took me seriously. He left when he found the police walking around my house with flashlights and I don't blame him one bit. But when he called me the next day he wanted to bellyache about that experience. I was fine with it, I told him not to come over unless he wanted to run into a few flat-foots. He should have taken me seriously...I would never have said that flippantly.

Do you guys remember the nutty dude who assaulted me? Well, it's been suggested to me that he wouldn't be stupid enough to email me like he's been doing without some degree of coaching from other people who would look better if I appeared stupid in court. Of course, I don't know when that might be because I haven't heard a thing from the city since the police left my house that last time. I have no idea when his court date is or even if I'm invited.

I wasn't invited to Rick's court date after he was arrested for domestic violence. No one said a word to me. I just assmued that his lawyer was postponing the whole thing and that sooner or later I would get a subpoena but I never did. One day my phone rang and it was the prosecutor calling to tell me that Rick got time served. Then, just to be a wiseguy, he said, "I wouldn't have fought so hard for you but I heard that you were quite ill when this happened."

What?

Why wouldn't he have fought so hard for me if I hadn't been sick? I'm not terribly sick right now so does that mean he won't fight hard now? And if Rick was any indication of how hard he can fight, I have a jury in L.A. that he needs to meet.

This is a scary town. I'm frightened and I want to go home.

:(

Well, don't I Iook silly now.

It seems as though whatever blogger took my blog down for...they've decided to put it back. I knew that would happen as soon as I told a bazillion people that it was taken down. Whatever. I'm happy again.

Not for nothin' but...

...the girl who wore the pro-life t-shirt to school with the "disruptive pictures", got the pictures out of her text book.

That's what I read anyway...I could be wrong and I'd like to know if I am.

Do you recognize this face?

If I hear one more nimrod say...

...that innocent people shouldn't care if the government overreaches into our lives, my head will explode like it was in a microwave and the rest of me will wither away like the Wicked Witch of the East. After writing about facial recognition and the fact that governments use it without our knowledge (You have no idea what's in the cameras being pointed at you!), I heard from those who say things like, "As a non-criminal I don't fear the technology."

If law abiding citizens don't care about civil rights, who should care? Hooligans, scofflaws and thugs? Does anyone really think that THEY will go out of their way to protect civil rights? I sort of doubt it.

If honest people don't need rights and crooks don't deserve them, what the heck are they there for? We are surrounded by cameras, the contents of which can be owned or subpoenaed by government at any time and for any reason. (Thanks to the Patriot Act.) I'm not sure when or where an American is off camera but I AM sure that next year at this time, we will be off camera much less than we are today.

Ten short years ago I was taken aback by all of the cameras that were pointed at me as I walked around Europe. Forever gone was the ability to walk the streets of Paris assured that not a soul on the planet could find me if they wanted to. Now I take those cameras for granted in my own country. They're spreading like kudzu and disappearing into the scenery of our lives just as blatantly. We don't even ask for the APPEARANCE of a respect for privacy. (Turn around and wave at the camera right now. I'm sure if you look, you can find one.)

Some will argue that the Constitution doesn't grant Americans a right to privacy per se and they're right. But privacy was a totally different notion back in the day when we had to take a horse to visit the next door neighbor. But since we can chat with our neighbor's through the window of our indoor outhouse's, things are a bit different today.

I'm not exactly sure what privacy rights are, but I'm pretty sure that most of us expect a bit of privacy in our lives whether we rob banks or run them. And although our Founding Fathers never actually mentioned privacy when writing the Constitution, our government gave women abortion rights based upon that nebulous right. If we can be granted such rights predicated on the sentiment of privacy, one wouldn't be totally unreasonable to assume that we are entitled to a few based on the actual concept itself.

Ya think?

I keep forgetting to...

...tell you guys a secret or two that I learned from the guy who invented a bunch of facial recognition technology used by most of the police departents and jails in this area. I'm sure that the technology is available to the entire country, I just don't know if they all have it yet. But, it's probably a good bet that they do have it or that they have realized that it doesn't work so well and they've scratched the idea.

Did you know that people are constantly being arrested in jail waiting rooms because "bad people visit bad people"? It's too bad my mother didn't know that when she visited my youngest brother in jail. I'm sure she would have liked to have known what the guardians of her son thought of HER. Who knows what they thought of her son? My mom would have defended those same police and jail dudes to the death. Odd isn't it? Those who defend law enforcement the loudest do so without even knowing what those cops are really capable of.

I understand how jaded police work must be but hell, if you want to be a Nazi, just say so. If that Cap and Trade bill can pass, a few Nazi's might get government jobs every so often.

It seems as though there are certain circumstances under which you tacitly agree to a form of search that you aren't even aware of. That facial recongnition stuff doesn't care if you gain 200 pounds, if you grow long hair and a beard or if you have plastic surgery. It checks for things like the depth of your eyes, the distance between your pupils and that between your lipline and cheekbone.

Whenever you allow the government to take a picture of you, you may assume that they're literally taking a "picture" of you. But, when that camera is pointed at you in the DMV and you smile so willingly, you have no idea what they're really capturing. They may get a picture...but the facial recognition stuff is IN the camera too.

There doesn't seem to be anyway to avoid the cameras in police departments, jails and DMV's, but you might be able to steer clear of them at most other times by being all Gene Hackman and keeping your face pointed downward or wearing a mask a la Michael Jackson, who may have known something that the rest of us didn't. Oh yeah, sunglasses do no good.

Of course, there are many agencies that are not impressed with the new technology. Tampa Police said that, "People in the area were seen wearing masks and making obscene gestures, prohibiting the cameras from getting a clear enough shot to identify anyone." Yeah, I can see that. Boston's Logan Airport decided to search for other options after they realized that "system only had a 61.4 percent accuracy rate".

But, in good ol' boy areas, there's gold in them thar lasers.

I'm not sure how...

...I let it happen, but somehow I got into a political debate with a staunch liberal black friend of mine. I've navigated my social life very carefully to keep my political mouth shut when in the presence of ardent and stalwart liberals AND loyal and stout Clintonista's. But, it was only a matter of time before one of the varied people with whom I associate would pop up and begin a bout of their own. Let me tell you, it was truly frightening.

Somehow Janine Garofalo came up and before we were done, I had found a video of her viewist rant where she accused 'reasonable minds who differ' of racism for those possessing those differing views. Now, if you remember, there wasn't anything on that video BUT the incessant prattling of a nasty little ugly chick. No facts, no quotes, no evidence whatsoever...simply the ridiculous drivel spouted out by a babbling idiot.

My friend responded immediately, "She's right!" The enquiring nature of my brain quickly asked, "About what?"

"She's right that they shouldn't have thrown all of those tea-bags."

How do you argue with a mind like that? I don't know anything about tea-bags except what Garofalo said about them. The protesters weren't "throwing tea-bags"...they were practicing their Constitutional right to assemble. DUH.

I tried to say that without laughing but I couldn't. So, my giggling may have set a bad tone for a fluid and succinct debate but I couldn't help it. This guy was corroborating something that I had long suspected...there are some callow and obtuse sycophants out there. I decided to stop snickering and change directions.

"OK," I said, "Say they DID throw tea-bags, what's wrong with a little tea-bag tossing? Did you ever find out who cleaned the tea-bags up? Maybe they all picked up the tea-bags after they threw them in which case it seems pretty harmless to me."

That probably wasn't called for. I should have known that so much common sense would provoke a strong reaction from one of those 'reasonable minds who differ'. The ebullient and boisterous nature of the retort sort of shocked me a bit...especially considering the banality of the new charges.

"How can you say those people aren't racist?" Beginning with that statement, each and every following baseless proclamation was made with ever increasing volume, bias and anger. "Go to the website to get a review of those tea-bag tossers!"

I'm really brave at times...even when chatting with a man so I said, "Why don't we just go to the tea-baggers own web site and see what THEY say? Any other site would just be another person's interpretation of their mission." Well, that was all it took.

"They'll lie on their own web site! Oh...and of course you didn't see racism growing up, you were surrounded by white people!" I have to admit, he was right...but that didn't change the fact that those white people never showed the slightest sign of bigotry to me. Maybe it was there...but I never saw it.

There was one black guy at my high school and 30+ years later, he's causing me grief. He never did back in the 70's...he was just a good guy. He and I were friendly enough that he signed my yearbook. Somehow that all came up and my current friend decided that he wanted to see the black guy in my high school.

I got my yearbook and showed him where Jerry Schmid had signed so many years ago. I tried to find a picture of him but I couldn't do it. I looked in every index that I could find and I couldn't find another trace of Jerry Schmid other than the fact he signed it, "To the White Yankee Doodle, From the Black Man!" (I worked at a fast food place called Yankee Doodle when I was a teenager.)

Now, in high school, you usually get your yearbooks the year AFTER the year they're commemorating so that you can get graduation and prom pictures in the stupid thing. But, that logic didn't matter one bit. My friend looked through every single page of that book and never found any sign of Jerry Schmid so he deduced that my high school went to all the trouble of eradicating any sign of "The Black Man".

Of course that made me suspect and then he threw in this little gem, "I saw that window open to Fox News...come on, we know what you are!?" Once again, he was right. I did have a Fox News window open. But I also had the window to Papa John's open and I didn't have any pizza.

Well, once someone calls you a Fox News Watcher, the debate pretty much ends. There's no great comeback for THAT! It's sort of like when nit wits call a black person the N word...there's nothing more you CAN say. The argument is obviously not worth continuing.

Oh, I looked and looked and I finally found that my buddy was right...protesters DID toss tea-bags but since we have no idea who tossed them, we can't know what the heck they were protesting. Here's the evidence that, indeed, tea bags were tossed:

By the way, if any of you know where Jerry Schmid of Bensenville Illinois is, please have him get in touch with me. I need to find out if he was expunged from the 1974 Fenton High School yearbook or if he moved to Bensenville during the summer of '74 and just happened to go sign yearbooks when they were handed out.

Also, if any of you want to send me a pizza from Papa John's, email me at megkelsobroderick@gmail.com and I'll tell you what I want.

I've nearly concluded my study

How can you spot a cad?

It's relatively easy if you pay attention at all. One would think that men all took the same course in man school but they didn't. They each come up with the same ideas because, face it, they aren't that bright, nor are they particularly creative and of course...they underestimate the hell out of us. It's not so much their stupidity as it is their assumption that we are stupid that makes them all find the same tactics. I doubt that many of them would want to tell the others what they're up to so I have to assume they each find the paths of least resistance on their own. Don't for a minute think that THEY don't think they haven't figured out most women. Not all of them, granted, but a BUNCH of them.

Nothing else would explain the similar pattern that you seem to see in all male humans. They've all done their time in study and they have each developed a little plan that works for them. But...they won't tell you that...they'll tell you just the opposite. That's one of the most widespread man stories...the one where they either aren't getting any sex from their woman or they haven't had it in so long they can't remember the last time they did. This is so popular that 87.4% of all men use it before the first date is over. Run if you hear something along those lines. You should never hear ANYTHING about a man's sex life on a first date...ever.

Another sweet little trick they use is developing an exit strategy early in the date. Morning, noon or night...a man will give you anywhere between 4 to 6 hours to put out and they will tell you what time they have to leave and which family member is pregnant and subject to early labor. Amazing little creatures...these men.

The guys who have really studied well will even promise to do things for you...tomorrow. They will feign an attempt at mowing the lawn but when they realize that it won't get them sex...they suddenly decide that "dry gas" is necessary and that the mower has to sit for 2 hours before starting again. The effort that some of them put into their evil little schemes is ungodly. I've had men who've asked me to write a list of the stuff they need to bring with the "next time I come over". Yeah right, I'm gonna waste pencil on a freak who is that blatantly dishonest. Not bloody likely!

Many of these beings will actually try to close the sale as early as they can so they can figure out how much cash they need to invest. That's an interesting tact...if you should find yourself in the presence of one of those guys, smile sweetly and order Chivas. Why should he pay for a house margarita when he can pay for a nice scotch? He might not be in the mood to buy many more drinks so get them while you can...a man who is happy to buy drinks is just as happy to buy good drinks. A lot of women know that but far too many do NOT. Oh, it should go without saying, but just in case...a guy who shows up at your door with a 40 is not to be let inside. Ever.

Of course there's sweet talk and how you are so pretty. Most of us know how pretty we are or aren't...and we know how men generally react to us and our charms. An overreaction can be tricky because there's always the possibility of love at first sight but the odds are mighty damn slim. You'll really come out ahead if you don't take seriously any man who says that "You are even prettier than your picture!"

Also, never take a man at his word just because he GIVES you his word. That means nothing. He can always just do something that annoys you enough that you FORCE him to break his word. It's out of his control once he finds an out and men are generally good at checking the exits so never take a man who gives his "word", at his word...unless you know him really, REALLY well.

Another no brainer, but apparently tough for some women to comprehend...if a man gives you "an hour" before you need to be back from having fun, you automatically get 5. That's just the way it works. A guy who called me as I was leaving the house informed me that, "I'll be calling you back in an hour so you should be back by then."

OH NO HE DIDN'T!!!

Yes...he did.

Naturally I didn't get anywhere near my phone for a long, long time. You can't reward such negative behavior in the testosterone induced...it just makes them more obstinate. To a man, when a woman gives an inch, she has just given him explicit instructions to take a mile and then to commandeer the road. Be very careful with your ruler...don't give away too much territory.

I'm exhausted now and just a tad frightened. I've been letting out some serious secrets and I have even more.

Did you ever wonder why so many people are arrested in jail waiting rooms? And guess what? If you let someone point a camera at you, you've just given them permission to let them aim any other device they want to at you and you can't see most of them. Believe me, they have some pretty nifty toys nowadays. You'd be amazed at the rights you give away without being the least bit aware.

I'll be back soon.

Just when I think...

...that I have men figured out, they go and do something that leaves me shaking my head...seriously. Remember the yahoo who assaulted me and may very well get away with it because he has a flat chest and I don't? He started emailing me recently.

I wanted to mention it here but I thought I'd just let it go, kind of like what I'm doing with the local cops after this sentence. But he keeps emailing me over and over again. I have his rationale figured out, I know what he's trying to accomplish. What I don't understand is why he would think that I'm that stupid? (There's that underestimation thing going on again.)

It seems to me that he is trying to get me to invite him over by email so that he can use it as a defense in court when he answers for a charge of domestic violence. (No, I DON'T know why he's charged with that.) When I started hearing from him, I had a few options. I could have either A. Ignored him or B. Given in and given him what he wanted because I'm just a silly little female who must have that particular man (see how ego fucks you up?) OR...and this is the one I liked, C. I could just answer with evidence AGAINST him. :):):)

No, I'm not afraid of him when I'm in my house with my dog and my other defenses, I certainly have the advantage behind my own doors. I KNOW I'm not afraid of emails so what the hell, I went for it. These are the recent exchanges that I've had with the yahoo who caused me so much physical distress:

HIM: Hi. I've got a shirt of yours, want it back?

ME: Not enough to risk another broken rib. BTW...how the hell did you get a shirt of mine?

HIM: You wore a tshirt of mine home that last night

ME: Why would I have done that? Did you take off my clothes?

HIM: If you want it back I'll drop it off on your porch, if not - I'm not going to sit around and re-hash a night you don't remember because you apparently had too much to drink

ME: GHB would make me forget, not a couple glasses of wine. (This is when a I attached a few pictures of my injuries from that visit.)

ME AGAIN: Would you like to see the rest of the pictures?

After that I didn't hear from him for a while. Today, I opened this email from Bruiser:

HIM: Hi, I realize this may be entirely stupid, but would you like me to look at your a/c? Consider it a peace offering. You can stay inside, I'd call when I get there & have u turn t-stat on. I'll call before I go and tell you what I think it is and how major

What a white guy!!!

Now...I suppose it's possible that I'm underestimating this guy and his love for me. Maybe he doesn't want a defense, maybe he just wants a second chance to smack the hell out of me, after which we can rekindle our friendship and raise it to a level where he won't need GHB to get in my pants.

So...the way I see it, he either thinks I'm an idiot and that I'd help him get me in a "GOTCHA!" moment while I'm under oath or he thinks that I'm from Bumfuck Alabama and that I'd go near a man who would ever, just for a fleeting moment, think that I would allow him to touch me in such an uninvited and painful manner. And, as I remember, the assault took a LOT of fleeting moments.

I would imagine that some of you who have never met me would know better than to think me stupid enough to go forward in ANY way, with ANY further emails, phone calls or unlocked doors, with ANY person, male, female or hermaphrodite who makes me say "Ouch." The second "Ouch." is on me and I don't like being responsible for my own bullshit any more than is absolutely necessary.

"...And, I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..."

Try to watch...

...this entire video WITHOUT bringing your right hand to your heart. I couldn't do it:




SSGT. John C. Beale

"Killed in action the week before, the body of Staff Sergeant John C. Beale was returned to Falcon Field in Peachtree City , Georgia , just south of Atlanta , on June 11, 2009 . The Henry County Police Department escorted the procession to the funeral home in McDonough , Georgia . A simple notice in local papers indicated the road route to be taken and the approximate time."

I should have pulled my hair back!

But I didn't think of it when I let my friend take this picture at AmericasMart Gift and Homewares Convention in Atlanta today. That t-shirt says, Don't push my...then there's a huge button right smack dab in between the boobs. This is the web site where you can buy that shirt or any of the other FlirTee T-Shirts that Nicole designed:

http://www.flirtlanguagebrandtees.com/

Check them out, they're adorable!

So, that's where I spent my day...until it was time to leave. Then it was time to look for my car. Nicole and I walked to the convention after we parked my car and she left AmericasMart before I did. Since we were chatting the entire time, I paid NO attention to where we were walking so I had no clue where my car was. All I knew was that it was at a $5 garage and we passed a big bronze statue of Andrew Young. That bit of info was enough for the Atlanta City police to point me in the right direction but as far as I walked, I couldn't find a garage with a sign for $5.

I decided to ask a guy in a $10 garage and he asked me what time I parked in the $5 garage. I told him that we were there at about 11 AM and he said that his garage was charging $5 at that time so I had been walking past the right garage but they had changed the price to $10 so it missed it a few times before I finally asked the right person the right question.

I'm exhausted and my dog has been alone all day and I hate that so I'm going to go play with him for a while before I pass out.

Ciao.

The cops are coming here...

...so often that they're skewing all of my stats.

How rude.

I've been doing a bit of a...

...social science survey over the past 33 years. My subject has been men and I think I've finally gotten to the basic problem with those little suckers. They have the ability to renounce sexism with plausible deniability because:

1. They honestly don't think they are sexist.

2. They honestly think they should be appreciated for dominating all of us air headed females, caring for us and letting us live with them in exchange for performing certain amenities that they can't, or would rather not, perform on their own.

That was actually quite an epiphany.

I remember one such other man-related epiphany...years ago I figured out that men aren't necessarily lying when they answer "Nothing." to the question, "What are you thinking about?" I was stunned. My ex was quite the lying little shit so I just assumed that he was lying when he said that he wasn't thinking about anything. Little did I realize that he was perfectly capable of possessing a blank mind...DUH! I couldn't do it myself. I tried once but it freaked me out because I thought that my brain would stop and never start again. Funny how even though I knew that creep was a moron, I didn't credit his moronic brain with the ability to think of ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. As it is with most men, it was always easier to believe that he was thinking thoughts that he shouldn't have been thinking.

So yes, men CAN think about nothing. But, more often than not, when they say that they're thinking of "Nothing", they're lying. They just can't help it, it comes with the testicles.

Women secretly doubt the surveys that say men think about sex every 2 and half seconds or at some such ridiculously frequent time interval. We just can't fathom a brain that would think about sex so often. We assume that Italians and Mexicans are pulling up the slack for American men...we simply cannot admit that OUR men would think about sex so often. It would imply something totally foreign to our own way of thinking.

But damn...they SAY something sexual every few seconds! God knows WHAT they're thinking. We just have to understand that it is what it is and learn to adapt to our surroundings. There's nothing wrong with that, we don't have to change the poor, stupid men...we just have to evolve into a newer, better and smarter type of female. Personally, I like to use honesty...it baffles the hell out of them.

Today's men, more often than not, take for granted that they are smarter than all women. And yes, any given man might be smarter than most women. But there's always going to be women much brighter than the yahoo who underestimates them all. That's cool. I can dig being underestimated.

It's one thing if men like to manipulate women in everyday life. You gotta admit, we're pretty much on our own in that regard. But when the men take their silly prejudices and institutionalize them as they have here in my neck of the woods, you might have a problem when trying to exist outside of their control. It sounds so dreadfully white man-ish...doesn't it?

As they did back when William Shockley was teaching DYSgenetics and preaching voluntary sterilization for all people with an IQ under 100, men are still trying to find and control destinies that are not their own. But men would really never rid themselves of the pions that create his world for him. Who would the people with an IQ of 101 dominate if there weren't any 99's? They might have to raise their own standards and get rid of all white men with IQ's under 125.

Men assume that we are all idiots...if not idiots, certainly they place us low on the chain of priorities. Some big breasted blond chicks might be at the top of a list or two, but basically, women come after jobs, savings accounts and expensive, flammable wardrobes. Almost out of necessity, men have most of the resources and money if not all of them. Even the most generous husband in the world has a wife who can be cut from his good graces with no warning if he should choose a younger, more pliable female who will sleep with him until she too becomes the wife who wants to go back to sleep. The implicit warning that HE controls your circumstances is ever present. I'd rather count on serendipity but they won't let you do that...you can't get away from them and their world without sitting in a jungle somewhere south of the equator. Even then, the men you meet are rather armed. Oh well, I'd rather be shot than stoned.

The men who we see around us everyday are the same men who think that women are to be taken care of, and when necessary to their own ego, abandoned, disciplined or controlled to some degree. When they go to work and toss testosterone laced hot air around at each other, put loaded guns and cans of mace on their belts, they become an intimidating force and those of us who can't even get a word in edgewise at the dinner table are in serious trouble.

So maybe a couple of bimbos have pre-nups. But for the vast majority of us, we are at the beck and call of a person who pees standing up. Then, when the guy who can't keep his underwear free of skid marks runs off with some tramp, we get to deal with the men at work and they are EVERYWHERE!

Issues of race are much easier to see than are issues of sex. Men do seem to like some of us and that's where the problem starts. One man might agree that women have gotten the shaft throughout history...but not HIS woman. That would imply that he would have to take a look at the man in the mirror and even men are intimidated by THAT guy.

Some people claim that...

...Cobb county was named for Thomis Willis Cobb who was a Congressman and a Senator from Georgia. And...it is fact that the city of Marietta was named for his wife, Mary Moore Cobb. But, according to long time Georgian, retired law professor and functioning alcoholic Patrick Toomey, "Marietta hasn't always been like this, they used to care about women." Since the citiy's fathers named the city FOR a woman, one would think that it might become customary for police to go out of their way to protect women. According to Toomey, it was that way a long, long, long time ago. But today when people wonder about the county's moniker, they think of the phrase Count On Being Busted. Especially once the local cops get a hard on for you.

I still haven't forgotten the assault after which I notified the Marietta Police Department that I had been drugged and beaten and yet the best they could charge the nimrod with was domestic violence and THAT only after I was threatened with arrest by the first officer with whom I spoke. Once again, because I AM a woman. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't have done that to a man who had been beaten by HIS friends. I'm not sure what the charge WOULD be...but unless Elton John and Doogie Houser took part in a serious rumble...I really don't think the cops would have used that limp excuse to arrest, fingerprint and mug shoot anyone.

Since it's becoming a daily occurrence for a cop to stare into my front window or bang that special cop bang on my door, I'm figuring this crap out. Add to that the 3 cops with whom I tried to speak regarding the assault and I've picked up on a few things that my local protectors and servers do routinely...sort of their modus operandi if you will. Now, you MAY think that you wouldn't ever require this information but trust me, I thought the very same thing for close to 50 years. So, just in case, here are a few tricks of the trade that cops seem to use. Perhaps they're only practiced by local cops here in my neck of the woods. But I have an inkling that the problem is more widespread although I DO have fond memories of Officer Friendly visiting my classes as I was growing up. And, I've lived in 6 states.

1. They lie. I don't know how else to state that, I'm trying to be very economical with my verbiage.

2. They take people to jail without a shower, a bite to eat or a last smoke so if they come to your house, try your best to do all of those things before you open the door.

3. They lie.

4. They seem to believe the first story they hear so try to speak to them FIRST. I never do because I'm usually at home minding my own business when they decide to get together and head on over.

5. They lie.

6. They surround your house before they ever knock so don't answer the door they knock on, answer whichever door is farthest away from where you've been doing bong hits...I promise...there will be a cop waiting to greet you.

7. They lie.

8. They stare into your windows with cupped hands over their eyes. Try to be clothed whenever possible and go buy a shitload of mini-blinds.

9. They lie. How ODD.

10. For some strange reason, the only time they WON'T come into your house is when you ask them to.

For most of my life, I've spent no more time with the police than it takes to fill out a speeding ticket or purchase a donut. But, I'm catching on. If I were the cops, I wouldn't behave so predictably. And I'd probably do away with the instinctive urge to defend other cops instead of chatting with a crime victim or getting the name of a witness. The constant excuse-making gets boorish after a while.

Oh...I forgot to list this one...they WILL, at some point ask you, "What do YOU want us to do?" or "How do YOU want us to handle this?" so get ready to answer that stupid question quickly. If you aren't a cop, you'll probably stutter when asked and that gives the PROFESSIONALS time to get away without doing ANYTHING. Smart...isn't it? They get out of paperwork AND make you feel like an ass.

I know that I'm smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt and I realize that I'm in the most conservative county in the entire United States...but I'm white! What the heck is going on here?