I'm not silly enough... ...to call myself young but I didn't think I was old enough for old lady problems. Yesterday I fell up a stair case that was covered with everything the kids didn't feel like carrying up stairs. I woke up wondering why my hip hurt so bad (and my knee but I think that was just a badly skinned boo boo.) I laid in bed trying to get comfortable for a while before nature called so I went to get up and fell back into the bed. (No injury's from that tumble.) In the past 15 years I've had gall bladder surgery, female surgery, an opne skull brain surgery, cancer (twice), 2 strokes, another brain surgery and 2 srokes. I'm sure I've left something out but it's too early to think that much. I was finally getting over the December brain surgery and now I have to get x-rays sometime today. But I'm yoo tired so I'm gonna hobble back to bed until the sun comes up! Ciao

/ is the symbol between paragraphs

First of all... ...I don't know why this dumb blog is not indenting paragraphs, I don't know why the font is big and I give up trying to fix it. Secondly, at the risk of making Jeanna giggle again, I have to tell you about my nose and my right ear. /You know how when you have a cold and you blow your nose a lot...your nose gets all dry and scaly? Well, the tip of my nose has done that but I haven't had a cold nor has my nose been running. Travel around my head a bit to my right ear and you'll find something similar going on at the bottom of my ear canal. The ear isn't exactly the same, that sucker hurts. Also, I'm not in the habit of picking my nose and ear at the same time so I can't see myself spreading the hideous affliction from one place to the other. (But just in case, I am not scratching my ass anymore.) /I pointed my nose out to my friend who told me that, "It looks like the fungus on my daughter's finger." Her daughter's finger has been fungoid for 6 years as a fungus is difficult to get rid of. /Now, fungus of the nose is exactly the type of thing that I would get...my luck runs like that. I've been walking around for the last week with the tip of my nose all red and scaly. And no, I have not left the house like that. /If dating has been rare of late, can you imagine what a diseased nose would do to any prospects of making out? Isn't it odd how man will sleep with you without checking out south of the border, but let a little nose rash pop up and they treat you like a leper? I'll never figure out those testosterone induced humans. /Anyway, yesterday I decided to look for some Desitin to apply to my nose. I thought I'd sport a bit of a lifeguard look. But, before I found the Desitin, I found an algae cream that promised the world. So, I applied it to the tip of my nose. That seems reasonable until you remember that algae is green. That's what you want hanging off of your nose, green gook. /My green nose tip and I spent the day together and when I woke up this morning, most of my nose was healed so I guess I have to spend another green day. I'm trying to avoid shoving that crap in my ear but if my nose is cleared up tomorrow, I'll give in and walk around with green dripping out of my ear.

Alrighty then...

...I'm not sure if it was a mistake of my own or if some humorous friend/relative played a joke on me but I just found out that I had myself listed as a lesbian on Facebook.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but I have always been, still remain and most likely shall always be, strictly dickly. I admit that I recently lived with a woman who wore no make-up and with lesbian listed on my Facebook page...and I've been wondering why I've have a dating slump lately.

I can't imagine doing it myself but if I did, I did it when I first set up the page. That means it has been years since I've been "outed". If one of my smart ass friends is the guilty party, I have no idea when it was done.

Well, I'm back to being a heterosexual and I've changed my password. Unless you know the name of the DUDE I had a crush on in first grade, you'll never guess this one.

Good morning! It seems as though children in this area are off of school for Spring Break and that just can't be good. I only have so much Xanax so I can't afford to have kids around too often. Yesterday I was making dinner for them while they were out with their father. When they walked in, the boy waved a pair of shoes all around me and the food I was cooking and said, "See my new shoes!!!" I freaked from the thought of feet germs and shoe slough and came close to tossing the dinner in the trash. Then, the girl came in and let the puppy out of her kennel and the the lil pooch jumped up on the counter and tried to lick the dinner that was sitting there. I had enough. I ran upstairs and said, "I'm getting my Xanax!" The mother said, "Already?" I told her how the short humans had tried to trash the nice Sunday dinner that I had spent most of the day making. It took the two of them all of 3 minutes to irritate the hell out of me. I wish that they had rest homes available for nervous ladies who can't handle wee munchkins. Now I know what my grandmother meant when she said, "You kids are making me nervous!" I'm truly and sincerely sorry Grandma!

Good morning!

I have invented a new product. It's a serious of mirrors that allows you to see into the deepest recesses of your ears. No longer will your doctor pull out a huge junk-O-ear wax that you didn't even know was there. The humiliation of stealth ear wax balls will no longer be a problem. Even dirty ears are spotted in time to clean them before the doc's ear speculum invades your filthy ear canal.

People seem to forget that others around them CAN INDEED see into their funky ears. My ex's ears were so funkified that I had to change sides so I wouldn't look into a world of ear faeries, forestland and fungi. Unfortunately, both of his ears would often be equally frightening so I just stared straight ahead.

That worked until bedtime when I would lie in bed thinking about the heftiness of his ear gook. It could easily have a minor ear explosion that would shoot his ball of wax out of his big, bald, bootless head (If not feckless!). The thought of a top heavy ball-O-wax rolling around in my bed just plain old FREAKED ME OUT!

I do enjoy sleeping alone, of course I still worry about the national bed bug problem and the lack of a big warm blob to keep me warm. BUT, I don't have to worry about errant ear wax so I'm good.

Anyway, my product can be worn like backwards glasses and with a vanity mirror in front of you, you can see into your ears as well as a doctor can do with his ticklish little toys. I'd show it to you now but with the new patenting laws, I have to wait for now. :)

I need to get a hobby.

I really do heart bacon. But...I'm not a breakfast meat racist, I heart sausage too. Especially those sausage links. I really, really heart those suckers.

Donald Trump has proven himself to be a gadfly simply by asking Obama to show his birth certificate. After ll, if he has nothing to be ashamed of, what's the problem? But Trump is missing the entire point. By withholding his birth certificates to the birthers, if he has done that, he gives them an opportunity to look stupid. When things go a little askew in an administration, it's nice to have a pleasant distraction to redirect the focus and scrutiny away from tactical blunders. I don't think it's an accident that this birth certificate crap of Trumps came up when it did.

How do you punish air traffic controllers who can't stay awake during the day? Why, you put them on night shift, of course. Just remind me to fly around DC from now on.

When my father was a little boy...

...teachers bitched about classroom size. The average number of students then was 30, now it's about 24 and they're STILL bitching! I've been to enough classrooms to know that size isn't a determining factor in learning as much as is having a good teacher and parental support. Can we have a new complaint?

Unions were necessary a hundred years ago. The government changed laws regarding employers treatment of employees. No need for unions, they've been replaced by statutes. Unions are totally self serving.

I never thought I'd see the day when France had bigger balls that Uncle Sam. Remember when we were friends with the UK? Today you hear about them so rarely that most people don't even know the PM's name.

I have no real experience in getting shot but I would imagine that it hurts.

Pastor Goodman, why don't you just install a drive through window instead of a parking lot? Then people could pay for their sacraments according to the menu:

Pastor Calls Flock Devils, Demons: MyFoxHOUSTON.com

I don't know what this dog is capable of

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

It's one of those days when I don't have to think about what to cook for dinner because the day dictates the menu...corned beef, cabbage and potatoes is the fare of the day. I'll begin cooking it early because it's not St. Patty's Day if your home doesn't smell like corned beef by noon.

I don't know why they call it "corned" beef, there isn't a bit of corn in it. I'll probably cook carrots with the rest of the meal but there won't be a kernel of corn anywhere to be found.

Also, with brain surgery, arrest warrants and 2 men out of my life, I think I can get ready to have Greyhound pay for their despicable actions that allowed me to have 2 vertebrae messed up in my neck. For some reason, all of the above mentioned distractions have stood in my way as I've tried to get on with my life lately.

I didn't do anything to deserve the brain surgery, I haven't done anything in years to be arrested but the dumping of the 2 men is all me. I became sick of them both, one constantly coming up with excuses why we had to meet at my place, leading me to think he was married and one who only took me out to eat at the diner down the street and to an occasional shopping trip at Goodwill. I don't mind either of those things, but I like to actually go OUT occasionally.

I went out the other day and picked a guy up because I wanted to...that was fun. Today is day 3 so if he's going to call me, it should be today. If not, I'll go out and find another one. Men are all over and I really do like them, I just seem to get bored easily so I haven't really been able to handle the same one for any length of time. Maybe someday I'll find one that doesn't bore me, but I kinda doubt it. It was tough enough to find one I really liked when I was in my 20's, I doubt I can find one that I like now.

The one I met the other day bet me that he was older than I was, I had to take him up on that and trust that I was still, as usual, the oldest person in the room. I was right, I was older than he and for that I won a beer that I didn't really want...but I did win. Then, I challenged him to a game of pool and he "warned" me that he "has a pool table at home" but I had faith in the fact that I'm as good at shooting pool as I am at being the oldest person in the room. I was right, after his stern warning, I kicked his ass.

Perhaps I need to find an old man who can beat me at pool so I can let the men walk around with some of their self respect.

Nah, I like WINNING!

Well...

...it took me a couple of days to find out exactly what the decision of Monday's court action meant. I still have to call the clerk to find out why I still have fines of any sort considering that on Monday morning, the prosecution filed a nolle prosequii motion because they couldn't locate the cop who pulled me over. So, the state declined to prosecute 'that day'.

So, that's 3 charges, and all of them nolle pros'ed me. I have no charges pending, I'm not wanted by the long arm of the law. Yippee...right?

Well, my friend who bailed me out was with me and we went to see what she had to do to get her bail money back. We went to the Clerk's office and found out that it takes weeks. BUT...we also found out that 20 years ago I had been fined upwards of 2 grand that I didn't know about. So, now I have to see if I really owe that money considering all charges were dismissed. There was also a matter of the 1991 bail money that my brother paid to get me out back then.

It's all very confusing and I don't even think I'm safe from double jeopardy should the missing cop show up again. I'll figure it out, one way or another.

The other day I had one of those weird dreams that had my ex in it. It's been a while since I've done the horizontal bop so I wasn't surprised to see him in that dream. Oddly enough, he looked good (from the neck down) because he had a beautiful body where his old body used to be and his regular old head sat on top of that great new body.

Usually, when I dream of him, the same old theme pops up, I'm trying to get him to tell me the truth. He never did. But I haven't had those dreams lately. I was rather surprised to find him playing the sexy part in one of my dreams...even if the nice body wasn't his.

Whatever...I went out and picked up a guy the other day and I hope he calls because he sure was pretty. He wore flannel shirts instead of the stuffy shirts worn by the CPA I had been dating. This one is a carpenter and I have a soft spot for them, indeed.

I have to think about the carpenter dude for a while. I do so enjoy that!

Craigslist is amazing...

...did you know that you could shop for weed on that thing? I just noticed it. I was bored enough to browse the Strictly Platonics and half the people there were looking for weed or selling it. Now I've seen it all. When the news finally breaks this story, tell them I had it first.

I'd advertise that I want a date but with my luck, one of my ex's would respond...been there, done that. Or, Charlie Sheen could answer me and I wouldn't know whether to say yes or no, I already don't know whether to laugh or cry when he pops up on the news every morning.

It seems as though they've raided his house now...for weapons no less. I'm surprised they didn't call the home a compound. Of course it is early in THAT investigation. I think we can safely say that as nutty as Sheen has been behaving of late, he's paid enough without having the cops intrude on his "castle". I may be alone in that thinking but I really do feel as though people need to back off that dude or help him, the last thing he needs right now is more grief. But then, I'm a sweetie so I would think like that.

This morning I woke up to a news report about the nuclear problem occurring in Japan. The anchor had some scientist on the phone discussing the severity of a nuclear melt-down. Just as he was beginning to discuss the worldwide implications, the anchor cut him off and went to commercial, never to return. Peggy from Cancer Treatment Centers of America was there. She scares the hell out of me. Is she the ONLY patient who ever survived that place? If so, I wouldn't think we need to patronize them. If they can't cure a more affable person, I can't have them on my TV. Unfortunately, Peggy is halfway into her silly story before I can find my remote and get her off the screen. I'm starting to have Peggy nightmares so if anyone out there has an "in" with one of those nationwide facilities, could we please see some more of your success stories? If you don't have anymore, at least show us a funeral of another patient.

On that pleasant note, I must go suck more coffee and see if California is still where it was yesterday.

Ciao for now!

I gave up trying to sleep...

...normal hours. Yesterday I went to bed early enough to wake up at 1 AM, fully refreshed and ready to start a brand new middle of the night. That wasn't much of a stretch, I've worked nights most of my life.

Sometime in the middle of my slumber, I was awoken by two kids fighting. The 13 year old boy had smacked the 10 year old girl and, considering how many different people have hit me over the years, I have a HUGE problem with violence in any form. I got up, hugged the little girl, watched the 10:00 PM episode of Family Guy with her and then I went back to sleep, hoping peace was in the air.

A while later, at exactly 12:27 AM to be precise, I woke up and made myself coffee, fed the puppy and took her for a walk in the middle of the night. When it came time to visit the downstairs bathroom for the first time, I found the above mentioned little girls' bathing suit in the toilet. She takes swimming lessons at the local YMCA and her suit is usually hanging in the shower to dry before her next lesson. The "boy who hits girls" had obviously tossed the little girls' suit in the toilet while he was angry last night.

Just to be a bitch, I did the laundry. When the bully comes downstairs to use the facilities, he will find his sisters' bathing suit hanging in it's usual place on the shower door, all clean, dry and April fresh.

I have a couple of options regarding how I'll handle him in the morning. I could just act like nothing happened, thereby nullifying his disgusting behavior. But, I sort of prefer another tact. I think I'll tell him that I "fished" the suit out of the toilet with "something", smile broadly, exposing my pearly whites, and then let him wonder how safe his toothbrush is. As I said, just to be a bitch.

So, it's a bit after 5 AM and I've made coffee, walked the dog, done the laundry, cleaned the kitchen, watched an old movie on TCM, checked my email, my Facebook page and written this post.

Speaking of Facebook, I recently went into my profile to change the picture from one of Stewie Griffin flipping the bird to one of Lois Griffin doing nothing. I had to because of the kids who seem to visit my page. Whilst I was editing my profile, I found out that I had labeled myself as "Interested in: Women". Now, I do find some women intriguing, but I don't think that's the message I was sending. I don't know how I didn't catch that for all this time, but I didn't. So, I fixed it. I am, as they say in the county lock-up, "strictly dickly". I never meant to advertise myself as a lesbian...not that there's anything wrong with that!

You can check my new Facebook profile at:

http://www.facebook.com/#!/profile.php?id=1117985420

Lesbians are annoyed...

...at Justin Bieber because he changed his hair and as we all know, they hate to primp so none of them want to have to get a new hair do. I guess the bangs that were too long are easier than the "style" that Bieber is currently sporting. That was actually on the news this morning.

I fall asleep listening to the TV on so this morning I heard about the sad tale of lesbian woe as I woke up. The pathetic stories did not end there. I heard that Gary Busey was "dirty dancing" in public. For some reason, my foggy, half asleep brain told my eyes to look at the TV screen and when I did, I saw Busey "rocking" to some song better suited for a younger person who isn't planning to rent Richard Simmons Senior Citizens Dancing To The Oldies video. Because of that, I didn't need coffee this morning. My cardiac system thanks you Gary but the rest of me curses my foggy, half asleep brain.

When the Busey bushwhack was over, I crawled out of bed and crept silently downstairs. I go to bed very early specifically so that I can wake up early enough to have some alone time. I find it difficult to do because there's a little girl here who also goes to bed too early. If someone were to turn off the TV while I was asleep, I wouldn't be asleep anymore. Apparently, my waking up has the same effect on that little girl. So this morning, my alone time was spent helping her study for a biology test. We took about an hour to do that and when we finished, she informed me that the test isn't until Friday. I could have come to the computer a couple of hours ago but instead, I was explaining what a striated muscle was. I didn't learn such things until I was in college, I have no clue why a 10 year old needs to know now. Shouldn't they be learning something useful like what an onion skin looks like under a microscope?

It could be worse, I could be ignorant of the lesbian/Bieber hostilities. Of course, the 10 year old was present for that news alert AND she was asking questions. (10 year olds seem to be quite interested in all things Bieber.) She isn't my kid so I couldn't really explain a lesbian and I certainly couldn't explain why many of them hate to primp.

After the study session (biology, not lesbian), she asked me to make her breakfast. I fried a couple of eggs and made some toast and then as I was carrying her food in one hand and her juice in the other, I stepped into a puddle of pee so big that both of my socks were doggy urine soaked.

My feet are currently naked and cold, I'm in serious need of a Xanax and it isn't even 7 AM.

Have a loverly day!

OMG!!!

Perhaps you've heard that the sense of smell is the sense most closely related to memory. I believe that because of my own life experience. Yesterday I was reminded of how powerful the sense of smell can be when memory is involved.

Last year I had a tooth capped. When I floss, I usually double floss because I love the flow of air between my teeth. I had a hard time getting the floss into either side of that capped tooth so I assumed that the dentist somehow glued all three of them together. Not wanting to return to Adolph the Dentist, I carefully avoided those two gaps when flossing. Yesterday, for no particular reason whatsoever, I single flossed. Somehow, that piece of floss easily entered the spaces I had been avoiding.

When I pulled the floss out of my mouth after flossing the entirety of one side of the cap, I was suddenly taken back to my most recent marriage as I was reminded of the aroma of my ex's breathe. To be sure, I flossed the other side of that tooth and I'll be damned, it was HIM!

So, to my ex, I have this message:

If I want you, and all your charms, all I have to do is floss.
I smell you so that I could die, I smell you so and that is why,
Whenever I smell you, all I ever do is ba-a-a-r-r-f.
Barf, barf, barf,
Ba-a-a-r-r-f.
I bring you to mind, taste your lips of slime,
Anytime, night or day.
Only trouble is, gee whiz,
I'm barfing my life away.

She did it!

Of course she bores you first...

...but she did it!

Watch Family guy...

...or blog my amusing thoughts of this afternoon? I'll go watch Family Guy...BRB!!!

In case you've bored...

...of staring into space, watching paid programming or following Bill Maher's career, the consummate anti-WINNER Charlie Sheen has provided us with yet another platform on which we can follow his psyche tailspin. Help yourself to a perusal of his insanity. Those who can watch the entire vanquishment of Sheen's ability to maintain a lucid moment are the true winners, winning the title of the infamous "I am Crazier than Charlie Sheen" award.

Anne Hathaway and James Franco can thank Charlie, he has truly made their recent nullification of interest seem lucid by comparison. Not only that, his U-Stream group dick sucking display has even surpassed the Academy dick sucking debacle as the show most likely to cause unexplained, undeserved and inappropriate erections. Even his goddesses are confused and jealous.

Of course, they were already confused...jealousy is a new one to them but oddly, they aren't jealous of each other, they are actually jealous of Charlie and his ability to turn himself on.

Of course, they can still count on the fact that even Charlie can't make himself last more than 3 minutes so they seem to be taking the jealousy with a stiff upper lip, stiffness of any sort still alluding Charlie himself.

We, the "audience" can choose between a weekly assault on our senses or a daily affront but sadly, as with Social Security, there remains no "opt out" option.

While watching this Charlie-esque rant, I couldn't last any longer than one of Charlie's romps so I must admit that it might have gotten better, but somehow I doubt it.

Once again, if you have absolutely nothing to do, no wall to wash or studs to pull out of a snow tire, here you go (odd, Charlie takes longer to load a U-Stream than he does to...oh well, you get the picture so I'll simply post the link):

http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/13119584


Relative Sanity

My new grandson...

Joaquin Alexander

Today I have a brand new grandson...

...he weighs 8 pounds which is pretty good considering that he was born minus his right arm. He'll be a south paw for sure, we'll never have to guess about that. Can you imagine how strong that arm is going to be? I think that my grandson is going to be one heckuva strong character all around.

I know some things that no one else knows about him yet. He's a blessing to my daughter who at times needs a reminder of how strong she is. Little Joachin will let her know every single day now that he's here. I'd thank him now for that but he hasn't learned any English yet. Someday I'll have to let him know how much I appreciate everything he's going to do for my beautiful daughter who waited a long time for him to show up.

As proud as I am of her, I can only imagine the pride she will feel for her little boy. Everything he does will be just a little tougher for him but as he tries a bit harder, she will beam with the pride of a mother who has watched her child face challenge after challenge and accomplish things she never dreamt him capable of accomplishing.

We're all born with challenges ahead of us, but most of us don't realize how strong our children are because we assume that success is a given. Joachin's mother won't make that assumption lightly so when he shows his strength, she will be a lucky mother indeed. She will know that her son has worked hard to tie his shoes, write his name and catch a ball. Most mother's take such achievements as ordinary milestones but my daughter will see Joachin's success's as the true triumphs that they are. She's a lucky mother indeed.

What a strong arm he will have! That one arm will take him through life, literally single-handedly. It will be a Herculean arm that will hug her tightly enough to let her know that her son doesn't need two arms to show his love and appreciation for a mother who has grown stronger along with him. My pride in them both may be early, but it is well placed, of that I am sure.

I often wonder why so many challenges are placed in my way but Joachin's birth has answered so many questions. I had to face challenges so that I could be here today, and be here with the strength that my daughter needs as she meets her amazing little boy. I can't afford to be in California to hold Joachin yet but I am so looking forward to meeting the little man myself. He will do with one arm what many can't do with two. My wonderful daughter gets to watch him grow up to be a strong man who will show her that he only needs one arm to reach his own stars, however high they may be.

Once again, I thank Joachin for what he will do for my daughter. The tiny arm he possesses today will be an amazing arm and he will be an amazing human being, giving us all strength that we never knew we had. And I thank my daughter for giving me such an amazing gift, a grandson who has already, in less that 12 hours on this planet, shown me why life can be so rocky. And, he's made me a little bit ashamed that I ever asked, "Why me?"

Today is a messed up day...

...but with any luck it will end up to be a happy day. My daughter is off to the hospital to be induced so she should deliver a baby boy at some point. I have no control over that and it wasn't unexpected so I'll just sit here and wait.

But, much to my dismay, Abby the dog bit me in the belly this morning. Now, the bite itself wasn't really bad and didn't break the skin but the fact that there was enough belly for her to get her jaws around was rather alarming.

The Year of Hell (2004) was the year that I had cancer and my lovely husband had a mistress. I had specifically requested that he NOT fuck other women so I was not pleased about that situation. The cancer and the fucking of his mistress (I would number her but I lost count of them) combined to cause me to lose weight at a rapid rate. I lost about 70 pounds, going down to 90 pounds at one point. Trying to gain weight was harder than any diet I have ever been on. I went from a size 12 to a size zero before my doctors finally put me on Marinol (THC in a pill) to help stimulate my appetite. It worked.

Over the past couple of years I've gained some weight back but as long as I was still in size 4 or 6, I certainly wasn't concerned about that. Recently, with all of my health problems, I've gained a few more pounds but deluded myself thinking that as long as I was around 130, I was fine and dandy. I guess I should have been more concerned with the placement of that 130 pounds.

I have gained and lost weight over the years, especially during pregnancies. But, never, ever, have my skinny legs gained a pound. When I was pregnant, I looked like a water tower. Those suckers are still as thin as they've ever been so the extra weight has obviously settled into my gut.

Up until Abby's little nip, I was still working under the delusion that I was thin. Now I have to face reality and go on a diet. That just sucks and I want pizza NOW.

Have a nice day and if my daughter calls me back to tell me that little Joachin (yes, Joachin) is here, I'll let you know.

:)

I must apologize...

...to Abby. I've been calling the hyper-active little critter "crazy" for weeks and suddenly I have seen what true insanity is. Charlie Sheen has proven to me that Abby has much better sense than does the millionaire freak of nature who wins the award for The Most Jaw Dropping Comments in one day by a human...yes Carlos, you win.

Charlie is apparently drug free, a perfect example of someone who is in serious need of some sort of brain altering medication. Forget his sit-com, his social IQ is nowhere near 2 and 1/2. The only thing he has accomplished with his behavior of late is to answer the question, "Why would Charlie Sheen need to pay for sex?"

He doesn't even have the sense to pay his hookers to shut up. One of them has been making the rounds complaining about Speedy Esteves and his "epic" 3 minute tryst. But what do I know? I'm just one of the fools to whom he refers when he brags that people can't "process" what it's like to be a "rock star" such as himself.

No, Charlie, I have no clue what it's like to be you and with God's good grace, I never shall. He is right about one thing, he is "special". When the networks are stumped over who should be the lead story, Charlie Sheen or Mohamar what's his name, you have to admit, you have a special guy.