Wisdom of pussies

OK then...I suppose I should answer a few questions!

First of all, last Monday morning I came to in the shower and had no clue what was going on. I made it to the hospital and they admitted me right away. Because of the titanium in my jaw from the fracture, they couldn't do an MRI. They did do a CT angio and it showed a stroke...again! As usual, they couldn't get an IV in so they put in a central line. I was dehydrated (I have no clue how long I was on the shower floor) so they gave me fluids for about 3 days and they're still giving me IV pain meds for the headache. I'm getting a few other IV meds as well.

My left side is barely movable but I'm working on that with physical therapy and occupational therapy. I'll get it working though...mark my words. I was rather confused for the first day or two but I'm catching up so it's all good. I can't tell you where I am (unfortunately) because Walter James Lundy, the loony dude, is sending me threatening emails and I have no clue what he's got up his sleeve. He's busting the heck out of the restraining order...I guess he thinks that there's nothing I can do from LA. He be wrong. :)

Today my daughter called to tell me that Joaquin wanted to "go to Grandma's house". He thinks I live here. I was just so tickled that he wanted to come see me. They were here for a while but he needed a nap (as do I!) so they left a little while ago. I think I'll take my nap after I finish this post. I'm exhausted and I only slept for about 3 hours last night.

Oh! BTW...they bring dogs in to visit the patients and I have a few pictures of me and the puppy's...I'll scan them when I can and post them here for you guys. I'm glad that I have my laptop because they don't have cable here and I like reading the news and watching movies. Otherwise I'd be dreadfully bored. I have to type with one finger so it takes forever to write anything but as soon as I get some more strength in my fingers, I'll try to clean up after Joaquin and type more about what I'm going through here. I do have some good tales to tell you that I'm sure you'll enjoy.

Well, other than the stroke, the paralysis and the nasty headache, my trip has been wonderful. If Walter keeps this crap up, my father will be sending for me so that I can see to it that he DOES go to jail. That should spread smiles around. Mmh...they brought lunch in and I'm chowing down on some really sweet strawberries. I'm a berry-holic...I've got it bad!

OK then, I'll let you know what's happening, have a great day!

Spread this around...

...or reply with the name and phone number of a convicted woman beater. This is a current scam that people should be aware of...especially people who tend to buy into such BS. I received this email first:

From:  Dave & Angela Dawes willierayarnette1@centurylink.net

           I have been trying to reach you.
 
           Dave & Angela Dawes

Naturally, I responded thusly:

Why?

The answer I received was this:

My wife and I won the biggest Euro Millions lottery prize of £101,203,600.70 GBP and we just commenced our Charity Donation and we will be giving out a cash donation of £1,500,000.00 GBP to five(5)lucky individuals and ten(10)charity organisations from any part of the world.


To verify the genuineness of this email and our winnings, please see our interview by visiting the web page below;

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8820740/101m-lottery-jackpot-winners-Dave-and-Angela-Dawes-to-give-millions-to-friends-and-family.html

Your email address was submitted to my wife and I by the Google Management Team and you received this email because we have listed you as one of the lucky millionaires, Kindly send us the below details so that we can direct our Bank can effect a valid Bank Draft in your name to your operational bank account in your country.

Full Name:
Country:
Age:
Occupation:
Sex:
Mobile/Tel:   Of course, this is a scam. Apparently all a thief needs to scam you is your cell phone number...I've had thieves ask for mine because they wanted "to hear my voice". It seems they don't even need your SSN so be careful to whom you give your cell number to!   BTW, I searched this scam and here is one of the results that I found:   the Dave & Angela Dawes scam this one is very go and well organized it looks real but it is not real at all . this one even sucked me in. I lost a lot money over this one. so the we can try to stop this scam there is things we can do to stop this scam. the F.B.I. has a branch to dill with sort of thing.   they will show the web sit that showing how they go there money they want to give to you., here is the part that will get you I know it got me. the link they send you to show you how they go the money they want to give you but you will never get a dime. so if you get the email from Dave & Angela Dawes just send it to the F.B.I so they can go get them. So here is what it looks like to me:


My wife and I won the biggest Euro Millions lottery prize of £101,203,600.70 GBP and we just commenced our Charity Donation and we will be giving out a cash donation of £1,500,000.00 GBP to five(5)lucky individuals and ten(10)charity organisations from any part of the world.

To verify the genuineness of this email and our winnings, please see our interview by visiting the web page below:

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/8820740/101m-lottery-jackpot-winners-Dave-and-Angela-Dawes-to-give-millions-to-friends-and-family.html

Your email address was submitted to my wife and I by the Google Management Team and you received this email because we have listed you as one of the lucky millionaires, Kindly send us the below details so that we can direct our Bank can effect a valid Bank Draft in your name to your operational bank account in your country.

Full Name:
Country:
Age:
Occupation:
Sex:
Mobile/Tel:

Congratulations & Happy Celebrations in Advance,
Dave & Angela Dawes

Where are you ? Hope you are missing for good reasons

I had a stroke (again!) Monday morning. I have my laptop but my left side, arm included, doesn't work. I'm spending a lot of time doing physical therapy and working strenuously to get the use of my left side back. I've been in hospital for a week. Today is day 8.

I have a dreadful headache that is made much worse by any degree of light so I'm trying to keep my eyes closed. Do you see why I find life so fascinating?

I'll pop in to keep you updated.

:):):)

Where have all the women gone?

It doesn't seem like it but it's been years since I've worked as a nurse. I miss working but I think my type of nursing is rather out of date. Gone are the days when nurturing women dressed all in starched white walked the halls of hospitals delivering that special touch that only a woman can give. We've been replaced by efficient men in different colored scrubs. They get the job done but something is missing. Not that mencan't do the work, butcan they appreciate the patients the way women used to? This couldn't have been written by a man.

When I first started working as a nurse, I remember reading the history's of my patients and many of them were born in 18-something. I haven't seen any of those in a long time. I've had the wonderful experience of caring for men who have fought in every war since WWI.\

I was 17 when I started working in nursing homes. Back then, you didn't have to be certified to be a nurses aide, you just had to apply. So, I was never a CNA, just an NA. My first job in a nursing home changed my goal from that of wanting to be a teacher to one of wanting to be a nurse. I was a straight A student in nursing school. Before we graduated, we were all getting our jobs lined up.

One day we were all talking about where we'd be working once we graduated and I said that I was going to stay at Villa Scalabrini. That was (and probably still is) a nursing home for old Italian people. My fellow students thought I was nuts. "Why would you want to work there when you could work anywhere you wanted to?"

That was the first time that I realized that nursing home nurses are sort of looked down upon. I had never known that before but I certainly know that it's still true. But, the stories that I have and the people who I met are nothing to look down upon.

I adore working with those folks, specifically the Alzheimer's patients. I don't know why, I just love it. There's enough different places for a nurse to work, you can pretty much pick and choose the place that you enjoy the most. Every few years I would go to a hospital to sharpen my skills, but I always go back to a nursing home sooner or later.

I worked at one place as the supervisor of the Medicare unit and every so often, they would ask me to cover a shift on one of the other units. There was a unit that had a room with a married couple in it. They had been married for 76 years. The wife was alert, the husband, not so much.

When I would go in there to give them their meds, the wife would say, "Daddy, are you cold? Please Nurse, cover him up. He's always so cold." So, I would do it. More for her than for him, he didn't seem to know if it was cold or not. Can you imagine? 76 years. Those two had been married before WWI. They remained married through that war, WWII, Korea, Viet Nam, the moon landing, Water Gate, the entire Cold War, Disco, the Reagan Administration, Michael Jackson's entire career, the Clinton era, the Persian Gulf War and a few space shuttle explosions.

One day I went to work over on their unit and when I went into their room, he was gone. The man had passed away quietly one night and his wife was alone for the first time in decades. There can't be a much lonelier feeling than losing the man with whom you've spent over 76 years of your life. She died shortly after he did, and I was very happy for her. I wouldn't want to face life without him either if I were her.

One place that I worked had 8X10 frames hanging outside the resident's rooms. In them was a picture of them when they were young and a card with a brief history of their lives. I had one patient who asked his girlfriend to marry him before he went to fight in WWII. But, he didn't want to marry her before he left in case something happened to him. The picture in his frame was that of a very young, very handsome soldier. He had suffered a stroke and didn't remember much. He couldn't speak, but when his wife walked into his room every morning, his face lit up as though he was a child who had stolen a peek at Santa Claus. He didn't know much, but he knew when the love of his life entered the room. He was a large man and she, a tiny lady.

He would reach out his hand for her to hold, and she did. She would sit next to him, holding his hand until he would fall back asleep and then she would crochet all day. She sat there making afghans for her husband. She wanted to do something for him, anything. She felt so helpless and she just stood by as we delivered his care. But she didn't realize that she was doing the only thing that he needed and the one thing that we couldn't do for him. She was THERE. What a smart man he was. He invested his life in a woman who paid him back in dividends that he couldn't have possibly foreseen the need for. But, he covered all of his bases. His wife gave me a pair of silk pajamas right before I went to have surgery for my first cancer. I think of them everytime I put those jammies on.

There was Mary, a lady who, at one time, was a lovely, gracious woman who wouldn't have ever said a swear word to save her life. She had been a teacher for years. She developed some type of neuropathy that changed her personality. All we saw was a nasty woman who cussed at us every time we walked in her room. She was a major pain in the ass. But her husband, who remembered the lady that he married, came to sit with her every day. He always brought her favorite foods with him and tried to feed her even though she would nag the bejesus out of him the entire time. We wondered why he would subject himself to that treatment. She didn't seem to care if he was there or not. But, the answer is so obvious, he was in love. He loved her so much that when he looked at her, (these are his words) he "saw the same beautiful girl that I met in 1941."
Then there was Clara. Clara was a funny, funny woman. She would get up every morning and put her make up on, get dressed to the nines and then she would walk out the front door of the home to wait for her husband. She would sit on the bench outside the front door, all prettied up, waiting for her date. Every morning, he would show up and they would walk around the facility to the back door (she said that it made her feel like they were going out on a date) where they would enter the dining room as though they were walking into some restaurant. They would sit at a table alone, sharing her breakfast and talking. After more than 50 years of marriage, they still found things to talk about every single day. They were oblivious to the rest of the people in the dining room. After more than half a century, they were still the only people in their own world.

One day she had a stroke and she was unable to move. She developed huge bedsores in both of her hips and we had to be sure to change the dressings before he showed up in the morning. That's because one day he walked in while we were doing it and he broke down into tears. She didn't seem to know anything but when he finally passed away from a heart attack, she seemed to wait for him for about a week and when he didn't come back, she died in her sleep.

I could go on forever telling you about these love stories. The world is full of people who have spent their entire lives together, quietly loving each other. Unfortunately, our society doesn't value such love anymore, so there aren't as many of these couples as there used to be. To hear it on TV or watching any neighborhood, love is some hot and heavy lovemaking session. Not the daily caring that leads to lifelong partnerships. Real love is what I see in the eyes of an 80 year old man who sees the "same beautiful woman that he met in 1941." Although it's a very selfless thing, it pays you back in ways that you never dream of. It's two people who have been together long enough to watch their children have children and then THOSE children have children. Even when one of the lovers dies, they can look around at their great grandchildren and see their love every day that they live. How do we get that back?

Today is the day...

...that I begin work on rebuilding my life after one of the most hideous situations that I have ever endured in my life. I knew from the start that Walter was a jerk...so much so that I began dating him for the humor involved. He did things that I had never seen done before, like tossing trash out of his car window by the bags full, driving around and around to find the closest handicapped parking spot whether or not it was the closest to the door he was entering and using the little handicapped vehicles to go shopping for one item but walking all around stores without the scooters available.

His "handicap" is that he has emphysema. It's relatively bad, but not so bad that he can't smoke 2 packs of cigarettes a day. He is the second person I have met in my life who smokes in his car with the windows shut and then refuses to allow me control over the passenger window. If I dared to open the window to seek relief from the smoke or heat, he would get angry and use his control to lock the passenger controls so that I couldn't use them. He stole my dog and then wouldn't let me see him before I left but, after he saw me and my father loading suitcases in the car as we left for the airport he grabbed the dog and sat on a curb with MY dog and waved his little paw at me as we drove away.

I'm not sure  how it happened but I allowed the relationship to "develop" into a twisted, miserable episode of my life that left me with a broken hand and hideously bruised back (not to mention the broken jaw!) as a result of me trying to walking away from one of his childish tantrums that I could neither stop nor deal with. The injuries occurred at his front door as I tried to open it to leave. Injured and frightened, I escaped to his bedroom and barricaded myself inside where I remained for 4 days until I finally talked him into taking me to the doctor. The doctor called the police as a result of my injuries and Walter was arrested and charged with felony battery and false imprisonment. I agreed to a plea bargain in order to be able to leave Florida rather than stay indefinitely for a trial. He plead guilty to a charge of battery and I agreed to a non-adjudicated plea in exchange for a promise from him to return my dog. He broke that promise because he knew that I wanted to leave the state as soon as possible and he gambled that I wouldn't argue much and he won that bet because I really had no choice as he left me homeless and in no shape physically to fight back in any way other than this blog. So, he may get the conviction expunged from his record which is already stained with crimes against women. This is the only way that I have to warn other women to stay away from this bully who tells me that his friends who have read this blog have said, "Walter, I can't believe that she is talking about you!" He said that thinking that I would doubt myself but it didn't work...I know people well enough to know that he doesn't fool them anymore than he fools me now. As a matter of fact, his "best friend", refuses to talk to him because the friend, Kevin, asked me if I knew that Walter had hepatitis B. I asked Kevin how sure he was and he said, "100%." When I confronted Walter, he said that he had "liver cancer". Why people think they can lie to a nurse about health issues is beyond me. That was the issue that finally put an end to the twisted relationship that I walked right into.

Someday I may discuss how it happened but for now let me admit that Walter kept me rather medicated with morphine, oxycodone and the xanax that I needed so badly. I certainly take the lion's share of the blame for that one, I knew better. But Walter kept my mail from me so that I never knew that I had Medicaid. If I had known, I would have gotten my own medication and he needed the control he maintained over me so he went to a doctor named Dr. Libreros to get the medication every month. By the time I walked away, I felt quite ill for weeks as I went through the withdrawal that I feared but it was better than staying with him.

He was able to get the medication as the result of a "fall" that he suffered at his father's home. I heard him call one attorney after another, adjusting his story as lawyers gave him reasons why he had no case. As a result, an insurance company called Universal Property and Casualty will be paying out thousands of dollars to satiate Walter's greed.

Now, for the last time, I accept my own responsibility in this situation so be assured that I am not claiming to be a totally innocent victim. But, one more chance for me to be a bitch...Walter's phone number is 813-340-5315 and he still has my dog. If you'd like to speak to a liar of amazing proportions, give him a call. I'd appreciate it if you would tell him to give me my dog...no matter what it takes for him to accomplish that. He lied to me, his lawyer and the state of Florida and even after reading everything that I've written, he sent me this today:

What's wrong? You don't say anything! Car is still down ! If you want me to stop  my feelings I will all I have is love but its getting worse the private stuff we talked about on the blog !! That's hitting below the belt! You're making fun of my misery , loosing mom no dads getting bad yea ? You know all I wanted was you to love and take care of. Iam not looking for my inheritance but it is there. We talked about a lot but not for all these nit wits on the Internet you know my intentions are good!! Live love cherish life!! I love you  walt call me when you can where are you stating? Please talk !!! Dad and I might go to Vegas if so want to come visit?? Let me know hope all is well wish the best. Bye LU w

OK...enough of Walter James Lundy of Tampa Florida for now. Now...on with life.

I'm settling in...

...to my new life in California. I've always believed that things happen the way they're supposed to happen and the way I feel now, I'm sure that I've been right. I have a LOT to tell you but I've only been here for a few days and I've been spending those days with my grandson to be sure that he knows me and adores me like a grandchild should adore a grandmother. Today my daughter and I will be taking him to the park to play and then we'll do something similar tomorrow. Monday morning I'll start taking care of the business of taking care of myself. I have a plan and that's what I wanted to tell you about. But right now, I have to get ready to go to the park. I think I just slept enough to almost catch up with the sleep that I've been missing for the past year or so. I'm not foolish enough to think that there won't be a snag or two along the way but I'm also secure enough to know that I'm finally on the right path to happiness.

:):):)

Taking a break from my own current situation...

...to discuss something that I find extremely important to America today.

Technically, I really wanted to point anyone who is interested in The Zimmerman case to a couple of sites that I find essential to the truth. The first link is to a video of a man who has eloquently stated my feelings on the case...to a tee:

http://www.cnbc.com/id/100897441

Next, I wanted to direct anyone who is interested in the truth to this article:

http://theconservativetreehouse.com/2013/07/02/why-did-the-trayvon-martin-funeral-director-lie-how-does-he-connect-to-scheme-team/

I've been aware of the truth discussed in that link for some time. You can find verification of this information all over the internet. Why our media is ignoring this is beyond me but it has chiseled away the last bits of respect I had for our media. Ask yourself why we are not being told about this.

What a jack ass!

The charming Walter James Lundy has emailed me to let me know that his father would be dying soon. Apparently, Walter thinks that if his dad is gone and he inherits his father's money, I will be willing to forgive and forget. When I first met him, he told me that his parents "won't be around much longer" and when they go, he will be needing someone to help him enjoy his own golden years. After his mother died in January, he once made a comment to the effect of, 'everything is going as I said it would'.

Here is the email:

Sure wish you would have awnsered your ph when I called you. Hope we can still talk !! Dad told me today he has a couple if months I don't know where that came from but it was out of the blue.hows the family? Well I am sure so if you could find time let's stay in touch. 24hrs and I miss you

Helluva guy...ey?

Hello from Los Angeles!

I just spent a lovely day with my daughter and my grandson. We went to a park that had the old school type of swings and I played on them for the first time in years. That sweet little guy remembered me from May and he was more than happy to stay with mewhen mom wasn't with us. That made me feel so good that I'm still smiling now. He was as affectionate to me as he could be and I just spoil him rotten because that's my job.

Over the past 9 years that I have been hosting this blog, I have called out about 4 people by name. That's not too bad...4 assholes in 9 years. But I'll be summarizing them each in my next post. I'm exhausted and I must get some sleep since I didn't do to well yesterday after the flight that left Tampa at 9 PM, instead of the 9 AM flight I thought that I had. By the time I flew to Phoenix and then on to LA, I didn't get in until 1 AM. Anyway, at a rate of less than 1 asshole every 2 years...it may be time for another naming of a new total asshole. So I may set a new record and name 2 in one year. It'll be interesting, of that I am sure.

But, back to a positive subject, my grandson. Today was the best day I've had since I saw him last and I'm so glad to be here.

I absolutely love my father

I always have. I can't imagine having anyone else for a father. He is a bright man and he speaks quite well. He's educated and he is a discriminating man who I have never, in my entire life, ever seen in a polyester suit. He always came home from work in a suit and tie and he showered and shaved every single day. He doesn't drink and has never used drugs. He did spank us with belts and stuff like that, but he came from the Depression era and he did what he thought was right. I disagree with beating kids with a belt, but I don't hold that against him because I know that he was doing the best he could on any given day with the tools he had. He believes that a father has the responsibility to raise children to be responsible adults with respect for authority while mother's have their own separate and distinct roles to play in a child's upbringing. I do not fault him because I absolutely know that he did the best job that he could do as a father. We were never hungry, we always lived in a house after 1964 and somehow we were all educated to, at the very least, high school graduation. I adore him, I really do. When I was 6 years old, I asked him, "If you met me before you met mom, would you have married me?" He assured me that he would have. I have always judged other men based on how I felt they compared to him. He obviously was a role model of whom I have always had great admiration. I respect him for the man he is and I really do love him. But, of course, he isn't perfect.

I've been staying with him for the past day and a half because he was kind enough to let me stay here until he takes me to the airport. He didn't let me stay here before because he didn't feel it was the right thing to do. After all, if I don't have to face hardship, how else will I ever learn anything? Personally, I would never allow a child of mine to go through the crap I've gone through but that's because I realized long ago that the one thing a child requires in life is a parent who tells them how wonderful they are, not a parent who belittles them. I noticed something as I was passing through my time on this planet. Every kid I knew who had loving, caring parents seemed to do much better than the kids I knew who didn't.

I also remembered Mrs. Irene Nichols, my 5th grade teacher. She used to play the piano with the entire class standing around her. One day I was standing behind her as I was singing and she turned around and said, "Margaret, you have a lovely voice!" That meant so much to me that I never forgot it. One day I realized why it meant so much to me...it was the ONLY nice thing anyone had ever said to me. No one else in my life ever told me that I was good at ANYTHING. I never heard a nice word from my parents although my mother did tell me once that I cleaned the kitchen better than she did. That's it, that's the entire extent of how good I was as I grew up. I was a good kitchen cleaner. By the time I had kids, I had decided that I would always tell them how good they were and that I would never beat them. My kids would never have to lie on their bed as I whipped them with a belt. They would never go to school with bruises and welts and they would never feel the sting of a belt on their thighs. I've refined my parenting to the point that I'm a wonderful grandmother but as I raised my kids, I did the best job I could do to let them know how good they were and that they could accomplish whatever it was they wanted to accomplish.

I'm paying quite a bit of attention to things lately and now I see why I've always been such a flake. I've always tried to make him happy and he won't be pleased. I have to take him the way he is and get my self respect from elsewhere.

I have so much more to say on this but right now, I'm still trying to get ready for the flight I have that doesn't leave at 8:45 AM, but 8:45 PM. I'll be back when I can, right now I have to fix my father a fish sandwich.

:)

LMAO again...

...really? You're still writing comments to me thinking the same old shit is gonna faze me? Me? Meg the professional "victim"? Seriously, it's people like you who keep people at a "victim" status. It's actually a good time to be a victim so if you have to be one, best take advantage of it. I'll tell you what I mean in a minute.

The only way that I can think of to make matters worse for a woman who is already realizing that, "Oops, I've done it again!"...is to make her embarrassed to admit what's going on. How many reasons does a woman need to be afraid to extricate herself from an abusive relationship? How about we just make it a straight up atrociously embarrassing to ask for help when she's figuring things out?

I mentioned before that people, at least, I...felt like a jack ass to look up and see another crappy excuse for a man isolating me again. He sucked the life right out of me and people I depended upon made it worse by disappearing when I needed them most. So when I come here to try to figure it all out, why should I have to worry that nit wits like you are going to go out of your way to toss mud whenever possible? Good for you. But, you realize, of course, that makes you a bully. If nothing I else, I know one of those when I see them. You're like the idiot kid on every schoolyard playground who grew up 50 pounds bigger than the other kids but never any smarter.

It doesn't matter that you leave your comment anonymously. You can't get away from yourself and you're the one who has just been called out for being a bully. Wherever you are, you can giggle maniacally in the dark, but you can't hide from your own stupid self. Aren't you the big fat kid on the playground all over again? Now you know for sure that yes, it IS true, and everyone else has known it all along. They just don't want to say anything to your face, but they know. They always have. You've only been fooling yourself.

Chew on that one for awhile.

Now, the reason that it's a good time to be a victim is that right now, people are finding out that they were right too. There's nothing wrong with them...bully's are and always have been a huge problem. Now the Internet makes it possible for me to out myself as a victim, and then go about my day without anyone laughing. I'm not a victim because I don't act like one. You're a bully because you do act like one. I'm just surprised that you have so much free time that you can go hunting for victims online. Good for you. Your parents must be proud.

:)

OK...I'm within 24 hours to boarding an airplane out of Florida.

I'm bracing myself...

...for what can happen to start this week off with any more insanity than last week. When Saturday night came to a close, I was actually relaxed at the end of one of my toughest days in recent memory. Why I thought that this shit would stop just because I went to bed is beyond me. But I never could have fallen asleep if I had known what Sunday held for me so I guess my ignorance was truly blissfiul.

Yesterday when I slowly opened my eyes and the world began coming into focus, I noticed my roommate sitting on the toilet, naked, with her legs up in the air. For a split second I actually considered going back to sleep when my brain told me that this wasn't at all right. The nurse in me noticed that she had injected herself with insulin the night before but I also saw her take some clonidine so I knew she had high blood pressure. It occured to me that she could either be having a stroke or a low blood sugar reaction. Since I had no IV access or Dextrose, I called 911. That's when I should have gone back to bed.

All hell broke loose. I was trying to keep the horny security guard out of the rooom where my roommate was now lying naked on the floor in front of the fridge with her legs up on the inside of the door. The crackhead across the hall came out to see what all the noise was about and when he did, he and the security guard immediately began yelling at each other. I went into my room and shut the door to wait for 911 to respond. I could hear them but no one ever came up to help. The paramedics wouldn't pass the fracas so they called the police.

When the paramedics finally got into my room, I left and went downstairs to join the crowd that was attending the men in uniform who were acting like a bunch of idiots. I was actually relieved for a minute when they got here but I quickly realized that the crackhead (who was raised by the owner of this place) and the security guard (who is afraid of the crackhead and his influence) had joined forces to redierct the cops in my direction. I was almost a part of the crowd but before I could disappear, one of the cops asked me a question. For some reason (The address of this place?), the Tampa PD decided that they were the ones with the guns and that I was as weak as any of the men. If they wanted to safely harrass anyone, I was a good victim. One jack ass tried to tell me to stop talking to him but he just kept asking me why I was still talking to him. I tried to tell him that he was a cop and was asking me questions, but all he did was keep asking me why I was still talking. So, I decided, out loud, that "I'm not getting arrested over this." and I walked away.

I couldn't walk any further because there was a huge building stopping me from doing so. Just then, another cop walked in, hearing only me say, "I'm not getting arrested over this." He suddenly decided that he must have Ma Barker in front of him so he started in. "Why would you get arrested ma'am?", he asked me over and over again. At that moment I realized that everyone who had been watching this entire incident unfold was laughing at the ridiculous situation as the WITNESS and person who dialed 911 was being harrased by the cops and the crackhead who had pulled a knife on the timid security guard was being left alone.

Being a mature adult, I was able to out-mature the Tampa PD single-handedly and get them to walk away from me. The roommate had only suffered a low blood sugar episode and the paramedics had started an IV and were pushing the D-50 into her blood which certainly needed the sugar. She was coming around and starting to ask why she was on the floor, naked except for the blanket I had covered her with. Slowly, I began to recognize the lady I had chatted with the night before. I was happy that she was OK. I've pushed enough dextrose into people with a blood sugar of 30 to know how quickly it can bring a diabetic back from the edge. So, happy it wasn't a stroke, I started to relax.

That's when I realized that the crackhead and the security guard (called Blind because he is...literally...blind)) had teamed up in an attempt to distract the owner away from the knife incident that had occured ealier. The easiest way to accomplish that was to harrass ME. EVERY SINGLE TIME I passed the crackhead (who wants me bad) and the blind security guard (who likes his easy job) pointed out, loudly, what transgression I was committing at the moment. I tried to abide by all the rules but they changed as the 2 idiots verbally assaulted me every chance they got. They were both prefacing everything they said with, "I'll have you out on the bus stop!" I came here, to this hideous place, to escape the constant threat of homelessness. Now I was being threatened with eviction from a flop-house. I tried to stay in my room and read but eventually, I had to come out to access food or WIFI. I had to come up with a solution before I was "at the bus stop".

I finally remembered my web cam. I hooked it up to my laptop and started carrying it wherever I went. I didn't even have to turn it on. I wasn't dealing with bright people, I was dealing with idiots who thought my camera was taking stills. "Blind!", shouted the crackhead, "She's taking pictures!" I turned the camera on him and narrated, "Here is the creep who won't leave me alone. He doesn't know this is a video camera and he is whining at the security guard to get me to stop." Then I walked over to where Blind was sitting and narrated a bit for him.

I had solved the problem. They both shut up.

Of course, in my ignorant bliss, I didn't think about the fact that they could still talk to OTHER people and ignore me. Eventually, one of the more reasonable security guards came up to me to let me know that, "John has a hotel/motel license and he can kick you out anytime. I've had some complaints that you've been taking pictures of people here."

I had to defend myself. I never would have said a word to anyone after I solved the problem but once they started talking about me, I had to tell the truth. I told Dan what had happened yesterday and since the idiot twins were never silenced by the presence of others, they left a building full of witnesses who could tell people what really happened. And what happened was, I took the camera out in self defense. Others were backing me up so Dan left and reported back to the owner what was agoing on. Thirty minutes later, the owner pulled up and walked inside, past me and I said, "Hello." as he did. He politely responded and kept walking.

Maybe Dan told him what I said..."I come with an audience."

Now, before I go, let me explain a couple of things. Blind, the security guard, gets paid to sit on his fat ass and holler at people. He also constantly gets first crack at anything and everything that people donate to this place, from clothing to food. He has been accused of sexual harrassment, threatening woman with eviction if they refuse to kiss his ass. (I have heard that rumor from far too many people for it to be a lie.) He is so incompetent that he would rather side with the owner's "son" who pulled a knife on him than protect the women who go to him for help. That's NOT a rumor. I went to him for help over and over again yesterday about Crackhead Jimmy but all he did was join in the attack on me. The camera idea was my last resort. I was mad at myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Also, as a white nurse, I have ALWAYS enjoyed the respect of police officers. In Tampa, the men in blue treated me as though I was a cop killer. NEVER IN MY LIFE have I ever been afraid of cops. Tampa has changed that. I think I was the victim of profiling for the first time. Thanks Tampa Police. It takes a LOT to get a law-abiding citizen to fear you but you did it. If I ever call 911 again, I'll ask them to leave the cops at Dunkin Donuts and just send some medical people. Officer Bacon and "Officer C.W. Something" were two of the worst 3 cops I have ever met, and I was born near NYC, grew up in Chicago and lived in LA.

Saturday Night

I've had a very interesting evening. When I found myself sitting on the front steps of this place opposite a man who was talking to himself...using his hands very expressively...I felt an uncontrolable urge to run up the stairs and grab this laptop so that I could tell you about this hideous evening that gets worse as I am sitting here trying to mind my own business.

I can sit here now because the trap that was being set all day was recently sprung and the hunters have cleaned up after themselves so this picnic table is avaliable. Of course that puts me right in plain view of all the vultures crawling around this dreadful place. The Jesus freaks are the worst of them all. They want your soul and feel entitled to it because they come here and act out their deepest Christian acts of kindness. The last two of them just left but not before stopping behind me, easily within a yard of my back, and beginning to chat...totally lacking any regard for the fact that I was sitting here typing.

I looked at the huge area in front of the building and then, stunned at their chosen location, turned around and said, "Really?" Then I just stared at them. Their response was to smile and attempt pleasantries. I continued, jaw literally dropped, staring at them until the guy had a social epiphany and began walking away. His crazy church lady cohort wisely followed him ten feet away from me. What odious creatures those church people are.

They set a trap for homeless souls here occasionally. Today they used bar-b-qued hamburgers, chicken, and hot dogs cooked in a smoker. Their bar-b-que smoke poured onto the front porch and into the front door. The trap was obviously planned well.

Hours after assaulting the entire building with the smell of a bar-b-qued trinity, they set up chairs and it was obvious that they planned to entertain. Apparently, the price of the "free" meal was your audience with Pastor Debra.

I had been reading in my room and when I carried my laptop downstairs searching for a WIFI connection, I suddenly heard a woman hollering. I ran outside and noticed some small children sitting on the steps. I asked, rather loudly, "Who's yelling around these kids?" The weekend guy who wear a black t-shirt that says "SECURITY" responded, "Ain't nobody yelling at those babies, this is church." I responded loudly enough to ensure that everyone at "church" heard the entire exchange, "Church?!"

I continued about my business as that nutty woman yelled at people for over 3 hours...I shit you not.

Eventually she shut up and I found myself back on the front porch when I looked out at the people having a post shouting match social and noticed one guy who was pawing all over a little 60 year old lady's back, thighs and arms. Kathy is about 4' 10" tall and must weigh all of 80 pounds. I walked over to them and told him to get his hands off of her. To paraphrase myself, I said something to the effect of:

"Get your hands off of her. Do you realize that you've put her in a position where she has to either tell you to stop or allow you to paw her in front of all of these people? She's too nice to tell you that "WOMEN HATE THAT!" What kind of woman do you think she is and what do all of these people think of her when they see you doing this to her?"

She tried to speak up for herself at one point and said, "Yeah. Especially when..." Then she stopped talking so I started again. I eventually shut up and walked away but he kept his hands to himself after that...so far.

Shortly after that, I found myself sitting next to the guy who was so into his own conversation with himself and I came here.

Just now, my roommate came to me and said, "I have 8 items missing from the top of the headboard." I've been sitting here since she left so I told her to go talk to security. This shit just keeps getting better.

It's all good

Most of the action going on in my life right now is happening in my mind. There's a bit of a revolution going on in there. It's a good thing, I'm reassessing things and trying to get my life back to where it was a while ago. I've allowed too many things to happen that have skewed my perception. I've actually allowed things to get slowly worse while numbing my mind to the worsening environment.

I like having the clarity that I have right now. I'm getting some information that I seriously need. And, rarely do I have to say this, but I won't publish comments left with no redeeming value. I don't mind negativity in comments, but if you go out of your way to be nasty, you really are wasting your own time. And how stupid is it to read me admit things honestly and then try to use it against me? Even if you were as hard on me as I am on myself, it's silly to hear a person admit to having a problem and then acuse them of having the problem they just owned.

I like the ability to be honest. It's one of the reasons that this blog has been here for so long. I use it to purge myself of life's bullshit and I know for whom I write. I write the truth for other people who can relate to it and those people aren't judgmental. They allow me to be honest and that's a good thing to have when you are from a family that lacks the ability to discuss life issues and therefore the ability to handle contention in a rational manner. That's one reason why unconditional love is so healthy and necessary for emotional, physical and psychological well-being. So, since I don't come from that sort of family, I find solace in the ability to come here and write openly.

Iknow that I've seemed cryptic lately but it's because I AM struggling with a lot of truths rights now. I need to be sure I properly label and categorize my issues for efficient disposal. I probably can't avoid coming across as cryptic in my attempts to deal with life in the immediate future but to some extent, I'm taking such little bites that I don't have too much time for anticipation. I do know this, I'm going to go to Los Angeles and see my grandson...and I'm doing it very, very soon.

And then....

All right. I haven't meant to be so vague but I'm in a multi-dimensional transition and it's sapping my time badly. I spend more time trying to accomplish something than I spend doing it. For example, to make a 8:00 AM appointment this morning, I had to wake up at 4. I was still awake at midnight so it wasn't easy but neither is standing at a bus stop before dawn.

So one of the things that I had planned on doing was to get myself on methadone so I didn't have to worry about feeling badly AND, methadone does help pain so it seemed easier to get myself on that than it would be to logistically accomplish a pain control doctor. If I'm to have the energy and stamina to accomplish everything that's REALLY important, I can't be spending my time working out the logistics of obtaining pain medications. Anyway, today I went to deal with that and part of it all was a urine drug screen that was, naturally, positive for xanax. I have no problem with xanax, pain pills DO present a problem.

That was a huge problem. Apparently, you can't take xanax AND methadone. I've taken xanax for so long that they wanted me to go into benzo detox for 2 days before they'd give me the methadone. I need the xanax, I never intended to stop taking them. Anyway, I left that place dejectedly...quite convinced that everything I try blows up in my face. I eventually decided to worry about all of that stuff later because I just don't have the resources to deal with it now. I still think that it's RIDICULOUS to disallow methadone treatment to people with anxiety...but I'm trying to deal with it because I have to. I'm fine now but I was quite a wreck when I left that place today.

So...to assuage the curiosity of many of you, I'll tell you that my next big step is to head west. I'm going to Los Angeles this Wednesday. After giving it some thought, I decided that I can afford to maintain this lifestyle in any city of our country and I really, really miss my daughter and her son. Ever since I saw them last time, I've really wanted to go back and see them again. Heck...I didn't want to leave them in the first place. It seemed so fricking wrong at the time...I should have known better.

So now I'm fixing that problem!

And then I just smile

I have decided that I am going to end my self-imposed exile. I can imagine certain idiots saying, "But you should do him a favor and stay away." I've heard that enough to know how stunningly ignorant it is. How keeping a mother away from her kids is ever a good thing, I can't imagine. But I'm far from a child molesting devil mother so screw anyone who thinks I should stay away any longer. It isn't doing me any good to stay away and I think that I raised kids who can handle a 55 year old woman well enough to do so and yet still find a way to conduct their own lives without crumbling. And I've also decided that I can even say that out loud without fear of offending some idiot with whom I haven't spoken in years. I'll find a way to be heard from now on. I've watched one too many bimbos wander in and out of my life wreaking havoc along the way to further their own status not to call one out when I see one. You know, I spent a lot of time in 2004 frightenened and reeling from the events of that summer before I became bored with the fear and let it turn to something more tolerable...good, old-fashioned anger. I like it. To be right all over some drunken tramp is potent breeding ground for the righteous indignation that began this blog in January of 2005. I'm very comfortable with that. This calls for some fancy brain work.

Good morning!

I spent the last day thinking and planning and I've come up with a plan. I'm out and about right now but when I get a few moments, I'll be back to tell you what I've come up with. I think it's a winner and you will all have a chance to tell me what you think. Here's a hint, there's an airplane in the plan!

Things I Miss

Long hot soaks in a tub Refridgerators with food in them The lack of bugs A couch TV Someone to cook dinner for Making beds Waking up and knowing what to do next Being happy To be able to shop and have a car, in which to put the heavy groceries Laughing Driving down the highway with the music blasting Music in general A desk at which to work Big hugs from people who like me Bigger hugs from people who love me My dog Clean floors My bedroom The Andy Griffith Show Knowing the sound outside of my door is a family member walking around, not a signal to check my lock A kitchen to cook in Phone calls from friends Having glasses Fixing my hair Brothers and sisters Of course most of all, I miss my kids. We don't stop being parents when our kids aren't with us, we simply become sad parents. We don't stop worrying...ever. You don't have to have kids but once you do, you know the meaning of unconditional love. It's a wonderful thing to have. You never know what the future holds. There isn't a thing I wouldn't give for one more day with my mother. Every day I go without seeing my kids is another day lost and I don't know how to fix things. I'm willing, I simply don't know what to do. I have one son who suddenly stopped speaking to me with no reason that I am aware of. My sister said he's sick of the drama of me. I have another son who cut me out of his life 9 years ago for somthing stupid I did in 2000. He's left me out his graduation from law school, marriage and even the birth of my second grandson. Of course, my wonderful daughter and her little family are always there and for that, I shall be eternally grateful. She is my unconditional love. I am worthy.

To my children and grandchildren

A tour for you

Fountain

Garden

The Great Outdoors

The main hallway

Laundry Facilities

A man who served 20 years in Viet Nam, the Captain. He deserves so much better from our country.

More that will be explained soon

100 Hundred year old fixtures

Kitten with distemper

The stairs I climb up and down all day

The front porch chairs where the early risers congregate.

The "Free" table

The chair that broke my jaw

The free food table full of food.

The fountain

More cats, always more cats.

OK then

My room if I look out of my bed.

The hallway outside my room

A hall I have yet to explore

Original art deco bathroom

A hallway leading to a maze of halls and rooms

I'm about ready to leave...

...for court. PLEASE send me good thoughts...I sure could use them. Court starts at 8:30 and it's almost 8 now. My father is on his way to pick me up right now. I won't have to go alone . Have a good day and I'll be back later to tell you how things went. :)

Tomorrow is the day I go to court...

...and I have no idea what will happen. I don't know if Walter will get smart and take a plea or if he'll just go ahead and wait until September to go to trial. The one thing I do know is that I'll be there, ready to give a victim impact statement.

I was perfectly willing to leave the state and let it all go. Heck, I went to California and he begged me to come back so like an idiot, I did. But his behavior since I've been back has convinced me to do my best to seek justice in some form. Instead of manning up and telling the truth, he chose to deny all and make me look foolish. It's not as though I needed any help looking foolish, the mere fact that I stayed with him is really all it takes.

This isn't the first time he's been charged with domestic violence. It isn't even the first time that he was charged with assaulting me. But, for some stupid reason, I did my best to appease him and let that one go.

So, you see, I really am an idiot.

I never wrote about it because part of me knew enough to keep that humiliation to myself. That's not the only thing I was too embarrassed to tell you. This one's a doozie.

For the last year and a half, Walter has been going to a pill mill here in Tampa run by a Dr. Libreros This is the kind of place that has people outside looking for drugs to last them until they see the doctor. Walter told me about one guy there who had blue powder hanging out of his nostrils. Walter said that he must have been crushing Oxycontin and snorting it.

Walter went for me to get my much need xanax and occasionally needed pain pills. When I moved in with him, he started routinely giving it to me in the mornings. To my utter discredit I allowed myself to become dependent on them. In turn, THAT allowed me to deal with Walter. That's one of the reasons that I found it difficult to leave.

There, now you know my most hideous secret. But I did leave. When I left, I left my dog because Walter is holding him hostage. I walked away from the pills which, of course, had me feeling quite badly for a while. I even walked away from most of the few possesions that I have left.

I know it's a case of dueling idiots, but I sort of think that Walter edges me out on this one. He did most of the leg work in the relationship because I was told to stay home 97% of the time. He's the one who is trying to sue his father for a slip and fall accident. I heard Walter, on the phone, calling lawyer after lawyer trying to get one who would take him. Every different lawyer changed the story by their reasons of denial. By the time he developed a story that would garner a lawyer, it had morphed considerably from his original tale of woe. And, he consistently coaches his father on the proper story.

That fall is the reason he went to the pain doc, but I took most of the pills. At one point all they did was keep me from feeling poorly. Of course, he eventually used them to maintain control over me and I let it happen.

This is only one thing piled on top of everything else...like my health, my family,  my nerves, my financial situation, not to mention my dwindling self-esteem and constant worrying. If I tried to tend to myself AT ALL, he would stop me by creating a crisis of his own. I became his walking zombie. And he treated  me like shit.

But he's such a nice guy.



Less than one-fifth of victims reporting an injury from intimate partner violence sought medical treatment following the injury.

According to the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development, domestic violence is the third leading cause of homelessness among families.

Smile

I just decided that going to trial isn't such a bad thing...

...a pain in the ass...yes...but not without it's benefits. I have the truth on my side...that's a biggie. My story  is the only one that makes sense and as Judge Judy says, "If it doesn't make sense, it isn't true." It just occurred to me that if we DO go to trial and character is brought up, I'll certainly have more witnesses than he, at least non-family members with no dog in this fight.

If I have to stay here until September, I'll spend my time spreading the word and before you know it,  Gloria Allred will be my legal counsel.

NIce Listening

If I Hear One More Igoramous...

...tell me how "nice" Walter is, I think I'll lose whatever degree of control over myself that I have. In my entire life, every single man who has ever been abusive toward me has been a "nice guy", according to others.  I'm sure that that other women who has ever suffered abuse, at the time, has gone through the same thing, If so, please let me know.

Another problem, abusive men are Scaramouch's who would never act like a jerk in front of others. The simple fact is, these men (or women)  have differing affects dependent upon with whom they are conversing.

Like defense counsel said the other day, "So, basically this is a he said she said thing?" I responded that abusers NEVER commit the crimes in front of other people. I'm quite sure that the people who know the abuser on a social level can easily think that they are swell dudes.

Heck, the day he dropped a key off here, the dude with whom he spoke said to me, "I felt sorry for him, he's such a nice guy"

The court Monday was only supposed to an approval of the plea bargain. Now he is so into his stupid story, he  "wants to actually go to  trial in September, which would be taking my testimony...which would be the truth...but he's such a liar that he may be one of those psycho's who can pass any lie detector early.

I know that he can't pass the stupid test, anyway. If he does anything regarding the lie detector test, anything, in court, it will open up his entire test to cross-examination, if it is allowed in..

Blah, blah, blah

As I type this, it is 12:04 AM. I've been trying to go bed for hours but I can't get comfortable....And I have a scorching case of Jimmy legs. They gave me baclofen for muscular sclerosis. I never needed them forever unless the Jimmy legs are part of it. Man! These are some hella-jimmy legs.  

I had a pleasant evening with pleasant company...I like to tell you guys good things but unfortunately there's a lot of NOT good right now. It'll be good again and this situation will be all over...so it's all good.

I give you my word, my solemn vow, that someday when I'm in a position to do so, I'll repay you guys, preferably on a cruise. We'll see that entire experience to have been for naught, I get what I want, vindication in the form of a guilty plea of WHATEVER. Not to mention the victim impact statement.

Once when my parents were fighting, They were really REALLY going at it. I gathered up the 5 younger kids and put them in my fathers closet in his bedroom where I closed the closet door to keep them safe until I got back. Then I climbed out of the bedroom window so I could walk around the house to the back door to come into the kitchen to call the cops. They would have seen me if they saw men me go straight to the kitchen`so I had to climb out the bedroom window and run around the house. That was back in day where, if there was no dead body, the cops just went onto their next call. Plus, my parents were politically connected and no one wanted haul either of them off to jail.

I wanted to find some qutes from experts but I couldn't because I'm in bed and I have to signal. A friedn of mine even got me an attenae and it still won't work. I'll figure it out sooner or later.
I realize that Ms. Athen is only doing her job but here I worked, professionalism is a must/. I could depsie you and the worst you would get from me is strict professionalism. I didn't lose control.

And I cannot wait to see what's next!

I wanted to find some quotes from experts of domestic violence but I couldn't because I'm in bed and I have no signal. I have to work offline. A friend of mine even got me an antennae and it still won't work. I'll figure it out sooner or later.

I realize that Ms. Athen is only doing her job but where I worked, professionalism is a must. I could despise you and the worst you would get from me is strict professionalism. I didn't lose control that easily.
And I cannot wait to see what's next after the court date! The options are endless.

Bring you all some statistics in the daylight. Now it's 2:41 and it officially aout time...at I usually wake up

Why the hell am I the one being punished?

As you can see in the post beneath this one, Walter's court date has been set for Monday. My guess is that he's going to plea down to something minor and receive a slap on the wrist. What do you think of that? Walter called to tell me not to show up at court Monday even though, as you can see, I have been invited to attend. Heck, I've been invited to them all. Sometimes with a subpoena, sometimes without. But I can go if I want to...and I think I shall.

I'm going to ask for a chance to address the judge. I don't know what, if anything, that will accomplish, but I know this, I will have been respectful of the system and I will have had my say for the record. I know what Walter's stupid story is, as of this morning he is STILL reminding me that, "Nothing happened! You know that!" I don't even bother engaging in a formal debate over what happened, I was there, I remember it plainly. He is either a great liar or he believes that his level of violence was called for. I submit that it was not.

He once again stated, "You could have left, I just didn't want you to take the dog." Well, to that I say:

A. I didn't have the dog in the first place.
B. Even if I was stupid enough to stop and grab the dog on my way AWAY from YOU, your legal remedy was to call the cops, not to prevent me from leaving.
C. IT'S MY FUCKING DOG!

I want my dog back. I need something to take care of right now, something that likes me even when I screw up. That usually only comes in the way of animals. Hey dude, do you want to go to Judge Judy's Court? Let's go. Her remedy is to put the dog down on the floor and see to whom it runs. You know damn well, that dog knows he's mine.

But I digress.

Don't you guys think that I should, at the very least, attend the court hearing being held in my honor?

Court set for Monday

STATE ATTORNEY


MARK A. OBER

Thirteenth Judicial Circuit of Florida

Victim Assistance Program

419 N. Pierce Street

Tampa, FL 33602-4022

Victim Assistance (813) 272-6472

Domestic Violence (813) 272-6423

Worthless Checks (813) 272-5336

Fax (813) 274-1415



July 3, 2013

According to our records, a person has been listed as a victim of a crime in your household and is entitled to receive the following court date information:

RE: STATE OF FLORIDA VS. LUNDY

CASE/UCN: 2012-CF-016416-D001 DIVISION: A OFFICE: 2012-070218

This is to inform you that a court date in the above mentioned case has been set for:

Date: 07/08/2013Judge: Judge LISA D. CAMPBELL

Time: 8:30 AMLocation: 800 East Twiggs Street, Tampa, Florida 33602

Hearing: Hearing Courtroom: #33 Third Floor, of the HILLSBOROUGH COUNTY COURTHOUSE Annex, North Tower

Assistant State Attorney: WILLIAM F SANSONE



As a victim, you have the right to attend court events in your case. If your attendance is required you will be subpoenaed, or instructed to appear, by the Assistant State Attorney assigned to your case. You also have the right to submit a Victim Impact Statement which advises the court of any injuries, losses or damages the defendant has caused you. You may also be eligible for assistance from the Florida Bureau of Victim Compensation. More information and forms can be found on our website www.sao13th.com under Victim Assistance.

In order to ensure prompt notification of future hearings, please notify us promptly of any changes in your address or phone number. An e-mail address is the most efficient way for notification, so we encourage you to provide us with your personal e-mail address. If you have any questions, or need information regarding victim services, please contact JERRY GONZALEZ, from the Victim Assistance Program at (813) 274-1393 ext: 1393.

Your continued assistance in the successful prosecution of this case is appreciated.

Sincerely,

STATE ATTORNEY

MARK A. OBER

OK...I've calmed myself down a bit...

...with a little help from my friends.  I'm at my father's to get away from the flophouse. I left a part of this morning's post out. When the guy's smoke alarm went off, I was walking past his room and he had the door open trying to see why the alarm was going off. I saw one of the other rooms. If I didn't think I'd hurt his feelings, I'd ask him if I could take a picture of it to show you. It was awful. Seriously, a jail cell would be healthier. It's hard to believe that people live like that but they most certainly do. Now I know why they're all so impressed with my room.

Speaking of my room, when I got back last night, I noticed that the bathroom door was locked. I thought to myself, "I didn't lock that door from the inside the bathroom." So, before thinking, I tried to open it but there was a chick showering so I just got my computer and went back downstairs. When I went back to go to bed she was gone and when I woke up, she was asleep so I waited for a while to shower myself. I showed her my instant coffee, creamer and sugar and told her to help herself. She said that she didn't know if she would be staying. I was freaking out so I just called my father to come and get me. He did, I'm here and it's all I can do to stay awake because it's so quiet and I'm so sleep deprived. My nerves are a bit shot but as soon as I decide where to go, I'll be OK. I need a plan. Not an evil plan, just a nice one.

They call that place the Hotel California because you can check in but you can't ever leave. I'm not about to let that happen to me. I'm headed for greener pastures. But first, I'm going to suck down some more coffee to wake my ass up so I can ask my father what he thinks I should do. See ya soon.

I'm going through some sort of...

...crisis here and I'm not sure what to do. None of my options are pleasant and there isn't enough xanax to make it go away. I think I'm in a situation where all I can do is something, anything but sit here in this hideous place. My jaw aches and I need my daughter so badly I can't handle it.

One of my "neighbors" had a smoke alarm go off in his room, apparently, brought about by roaches. My bed is covered in poison, I spray it all down once a day and then use that spray to glue the poison powder to the wall, bed and cabinets. People are coming and going around here so quickly that I don't know anyone and the one guy I did know got his stupid self kicked out over a fight while I was sleeping.

Could someone make me laugh? Anything, even a smile...could jerk me out of this lonely and frightened funk.

The view from my pillow

This is what I see when I'm lying on my bed. The box behind the lap-top is my birthday present, a webcam. It took so long to figure out how to take a picture that this is the best I could do before I fell asleep. The wood slats above me are the slats that used to sag and creak every time the chick on top would roll over. She's a big girl and I spent more than one night wondering if that would be the night the bed fell on me.

I have a riddle for you. Now, if you took sugar and put it in hot water, you would get sugar water. The sugar would dissolve and you wouldn't be able to see it anymore. The same thing would happen if you put coffee whitener in hot water only you would end up with a milky looking substance...still liquid, but milky. Also, if you put instant coffee in the hot water, you would get coffee. Darker yet, but still a liquid. How come if you put all three, sugar, coffee white and instant coffee, together...you get some funky looking, non-soluble scum on the top of the liquid? It's a scum that attaches to every part of the cup it touches so you end up with scummy "coffee"?

As Lobo once pondered, "These are the things that bother me...not a lot of things across some sea." I've also been baffled by the fact that you can combine mustard and honey to make honey-mustard...but the end product is thinnner in consistency than either of the 2 ingredients.(When I use the worde 'either', read EE-ther.) That one fact has vexed me often over the decades. I never cared enough to set up a laboratory to test my curiositys scientifically, but it does vex me, nevertheless.

Other things vex me, like the fact that the trial, of which I am a witness, has been set for September. I don't know why they would put it off so long when they know that it's the only reason I'm even here in the first place. I could be homeless in any state I choose. All I'd have to do is get there. I could be homeless near my sons and friends in Georgia. I could be homeless near my wonderful daughter and grandson in California. I could even be homeless where I grew up, the suburbs of Chicago. I have friends and family there, as well. I could even throw a dart and hit a place that isn't as hot as Florida and be homeless there. The one place I DON'T want to be is Tampa and that's where I am. Now they say they want me to wait until September? I barely made it through this last month. I did a fine job, I'm still here and that has to count for something. But I can't get mail and I can't seem to get to appointments because I don't know where I am, much less where the appointments are. In about 6 other cities in this country, I know my way around enough to avail myself of certain things, like doctors and the like.

I've considered a few different options and no matter how I do the math, my best chances are NOT here. Now, that's thinking selfishly, of course. But if I can't take care of myself, I certainly am useless to anyone else. Do you know that I have a son who won't speak to me because of all the "drama" involved? I sure as hell didn't order the HellaDrama life but I was served at the drive-in and they screwed it all up.

Maybe I should take the selfish route. If I had done that before, I wouldn't have a son who could cause me so much pain.

It's my daughter alone who has stood by me. She and her little family have given me the strength to go this far...can you imagine how far I could get if I had the support of my entire family? Think of me when your own family irritates you...Karma is a good thing too. Unconditional love is a very, very good thing...like a trampoline, you can use it to jump higher and higher, especially if you have spotters along the way. A good spotter is there just in case you do something stupid. They don't run when they see you falling.

By the way, I( had to come back to add something that I shouldn't have forgotten in the first place. Well, I didn't totally forget, I just forgot long enough to not include it before I posted this. Does that make sense? Anyway, I have to add my blog buddies who are out there. You guys have helped me so much and in ways I didn't expect. If it weren't for the fact that I was able to pull up my PayPal account to show someone what kind of support I DO have out there, I wouldn't be doing as well as I am now. Whoda thunk that you guys would be a credit check in the friend department? I'll never forget that, or the people out there who silently send me good thoughts.

As I typed that last sentence, some asshole lit off a firecracker. I asked him where he got it and he told me all about the store that sells them. I sure am glad I didn't donate to his morning pan-handle scam.